Customer Reviews

He's History, You're Not: Surviving Divorce After 40

5 star:		(17)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(1)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

I bought this book with a lot of excitement - I am 40 and recently divorced and was excited to find a book geared towards me.

First, the good things - the book is thorough. It is well written and easy to read. The author is a good writer and the book is entertaining. It includes chapters on many different aspects of divorce that women need to consider. Over all, I think it is very good.

But, I did not find the book relevant to my own situation for several reasons.

1. This book is geared specifically towards women who have older or grown children. If you have young children, this book is not really as relevant to your situation. Since many women delay childbearing these days, there are many women in their 40s who still have young children [me included]. They won't find the help they need in this book. This book just really emphasized to me how very different the two situations are - a mother of older children who is abandoned vs a mother of very young children who is abandoned.

2. The author seemed to have had a TON of support from endless patient, loving, devoted friends. She lists a whole bunch of different kinds of "friends" that you are supposed to have to help you through all the different aspects of the divorce. If you are like me and found most of your friends jumping ship the moment your husband ran off, [not out of malice necessarily, but just because they were uncomfortable or did not feel a kinship with you any longer], then you may find this advice as depressing as I did. I think there are a lot of women out there like me who do not have much support at all in coping with their divorce. Those women aren't going to find the support they need in this book either.

3. The author went through a really bad divorce and she was still pretty angry at her Ex, or so it seems from what she wrote. It is completely understandable of course. On the one hand, it makes her someone you can definitely relate to. But on the other hand, I thought the book would have had more value and would have been more helpful if she had been a little farther along in her own recovery process and more beyond her own bitterness. I hope, personally, that one day I will be able to think of my Ex husband without extreme anger and that feeling of sickness at what he's done [I'm not there yet, at all]. I would have appreciated more mentoring on how to get there. The last chapter in the book is called "forgiving the bastard and moving on", but I did not find it helpful. The author admits in that chapter that she herself hasn't managed to forgive her Ex and the chapter falls flat - you can't get good advice on how to do something from someone who has never done it themselves, unfortunately.

4. There was also a subtle "class division" in this book, I felt. As a mother who is flat broke and truly struggling every day just to keep an actual roof over my children's heads, I did not get the sense that the author had really had to deal with any "real" financial hardship at this level - I think she was very well off and while the divorce certainly left her less well off [it always does, doesn't it?], I don't get the sense that she could really relate to what a lot of single mothers go through as far as real poverty and the fear that comes from not knowing how you will provide for your babies. Again, that is no flaw in the author [I'm glad she hasn't been there], but the book does not cover the sort of advice mothers in a less financially stable situation really need.

So, I think if you are an older woman with older children [or no children] and lots of support, this book will most likely be helpful to you. If you are a younger woman with young children, this is probably not the best book for you [check out "Raising Great Kids On Your Own" and "Moving Forward After Divorce" by Frisbie].

I think, honestly, that this book would have been more appropriately titled "Surviving Divorce After 50" because it really is geared over all more towards that age group and beyond.

And I do want to emphasize - this is NOT a bad book by any means. Over all it is a very good book. It is just more relevant to certain women and less relevant to others.

Erica Manfred wants her book to be a smart girlfriend for over-40 women going through a divorce, and she's succeeded with "He's History; You're Not." In eleven chapters, Manfred covers everything an older women needs to know about divorce. She talks movingly about that first awful year after a divorce and how to get through it. She also covers couple therapies that work, noting that many "marriage" counselors have no clue--which is what I've found, too. She talks about why older women, in particular, need good divorce lawyers and good financial advice. She delves into loneliness and how to cope with it. For older women who are afraid of winding up as bag ladies, she reassures and provides smart work strategies. She talks about the effect of divorce on children, both those still in the home and those who have their own lives. Tip-Don't expect your adult children to be your sounding boards. Though Manfred doesn't recommend brooding on your marriage, she explains why and how you need to analyze what went wrong. There's a chapter on re-inventing yourself, especially applicable for women who somehow never did what they really wanted when married. She talks about dating for over-40 women, with lots of tips on using the Net and a few Net-free ideas, too. The last two chapters talk about the after-effects of infidelity (his) and why you don't have to forgive your ex-husband if you don't want to. The book ends with a great resource section. If you're a woman over 40 facing divorce, and you've been married most of your adult life, this is definitely the book for you.

Bridget Mintz Testa

Thank God Erica Manfred wrote this book, echoing and validating what we're really thinking when going through a divorce, especially one prompted by infidelity.

This is the most complete picture I've gotten of what happens. Thank You for these chapters: Grieving is a full-time job; What the hell happened to your marriage; Reinventing yourself; Forgiving the bastard and moving on.

And it's an enjoyable read, even when you're coping with devastation.

I did my divorcing a long time ago, so I'm not the target audience for this book, but I wish I'd had it then, even though I was way under 40. Erica Manfred's description of "true intimacy" is worth the price of the book all by itself. (It would certainly have helped me see that I shouldn't have married that man. And it helps me see that I am actually managing to build a real intimate relationship with the man I'm with now.)

Manfred's writing combines down-to-earth readability and the ability to tell great stories with solid, specific, detailed information. The tale of her own marriage and recovery is so compelling in itself that you could read it as a novel (while using it to measure your own tendencies to make the same mistakes). She's also talked to plenty of other women, so she presents a wide range of different marriage experiences.

In short, nobody who buys this book will be disappointed.

I loved this book. The prose is good and the information invaluable. Manfred manages to pack in a lot of excellent research with a light touch and humor. I found the information good for more than just recent divorcees, any woman would benefit from the information. I found the chapter on couples therapy and the therapies available especially insightful and helpful. The chapter on internet dating was hilarious and good information for anyone wanting to go that route - or hesitant about going that route. I liked her open mindedness about whether to divorce or not, and also like the warnings, about how to take care of oneself and not get shafted in the process. High marks for Ms. Manfred.

Divorce is different for women in their forties, fifties, and sixties, and Erica Manfred addresses those special concerns head-on, from grieving to financial to dating and sex. Manfred spills her guts, disclosing even embarrassing experiences with emotional nakedness. Her tips are invaluable, and her candor will make you feel she's your best friend sharing her mistakes so you don't have to make them. Through it all, she even manages to be laugh-out-loud funny!

-- Joan Price, author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty

What a great book! I was lucky enough to meet the author, Ms. Erica Manfred, in person, and when I heard that this book was coming out, I knew I had to have it. Her book is timely in my situation, as my husband of 26 yrs. just asked for a divorce. Ms. Manfred's writing style is both humorous and unflinchingly honest while being helpful at the same time. Not only does Ms. Manfred share her own painful experiences of her divorce, but she has done enormous amounts of legwork to gather expert's opinions and other divorcees' stories of suffering and survival. Reading this book helped me immensely to understand and take steps to survive my own impending divorce. While reading this book, I cried a few times when seeing the parallels in my situation and Ms. Manfred's divorce, but it also made me laugh to hear her honest confessions of revenge fantasies and her less-than-perfect behavior during her ordeal. Most importantly, it gave me some fresh insights into what is happening and what will happen to me during this transition in my life. She covers several topics that seem to be unique to women over 40 who get divorced, like financial security, feeling like a dinosaur in the dating arena, being sensitive to your kids' feelings even if they're adult now, and getting legal representation to assure you don't get screwed over by your ex. If you or any over-40-woman that you know is getting divorced, get this book! I plan on buying two more copies, one for a friend who is going through a messy divorce, and for my therapist, who is intrigued by the content of this book and who feels that she should read it and share it with other clients who are in a similar situation. I recommend this book highly for any woman in my and Ms. Manfred's situation. You'll be glad you read it!

Erica Manfred's book is funny and chock full of good advice.

What I personally liked was how the reader got Erica's personal story within the larger context of the book. I also appreciated how she had specifics for various age groups- 40s, 50s, 60s. On the whole, this

is a fantastic addition to this field, and I have read a lot of books

in this area. He's History is very comprehensive with lots of good interviews and resources. Erica definitely nailed that chatty

girlfriend tone, so the book feels like a conversation. The main message: She's been there, done that, survived and thrived and

so can you!

The best thing about this book is that you can pick it up and get whatever information you need right away! Each chapter is relevant to a particular aspect of divorce so you can read as little -- or as much -- as you like (and you'll probably find yourself reading more than less). It's all there, at your fingertips.

Having been there Erica Manfred has great empathy for her readers and she also calls upon a wide range of experts, friends and peers to provide useful words of wisdom. Unlike other divorce books with their cutesy cartoons and chirpy prose, Erica tells it like it is -- although you may not always agree with her views on Internet dating or what exactly defines "old." Still this book is a must-read for anyone contemplating or going through a divorce after 45 -- it will definitely help you navigate through the toughest of times!

Erica gives you step by step emotional tools to move past your Ex, and move forward with your life, at any age. Thanks to Erica, sending late night, wine-fueled hate emails to my ex are a thing of the past. I feel so grown up now! I still write them and get out my feelings, but,as Erica suggests, I wait until the next day to edit and rethink before sending. Erica's chapter on Living Alone and Liking It is also enormously helpful. For the lonely, she recommends getting a dog because..".they are better companions than most men." Ain't that the truth! Another fabulous recommendation is to Feng Shui your home... go through your home, de clutter, rearrange your stuff and create a peaceful vibe. My neighbor, for example, after her husband left, found it very therapeutic to sell off his remaining belongings at a yard sale, including his expensive golf clubs. With the profits she re-did her bedroom in lace and lots of pink. Now her new landscaper boyfriend is over all the time.