He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It (Hardcover)

by Bob Berkowitz (Author), Susan Yager-Berkowitz (Author)
Key Phrases: unadventurous sex, silent passion killer, anger mismanagement, Julian Slowinski, United States, June Reinisch (more...)

Editorial Reviews

Review
"A book that millions of men could benefit from . . . this really could be the Last Taboo. . . the real point here, the Berkowitzes say, isn’t casting blame on anyone. It’s understanding the issues and jump-starting all these stalled libidos." -- New York Newsday

Product Description

Men not interested in sex? Can this really be true? It is for the estimated 20 million American men and women who are in relationships in which the man has stopped being sexually intimate. This breakthrough book reveals the counterintuitive truth: Many men are just not up for it anymore. To find out why, bestselling author and relationship expert Dr. Bob Berkowitz and his wife, Susan Yager-Berkowitz, began an unprecedented survey of more than 4,000 men and women in this situation, gathering data and following up with hundreds of interviews with selected respondents.

Why don't these men want to have sex? Is the problem physical, emotional, or psychological—or are these guys simply bored with their partners? Is it unexpressed anger about other aspects of their relationships? Are they depressed? Now that there is limitless access to pornography, are some men no longer able to be turned on without it? Are they becoming satiated? Do they have a fully functioning libido, just not for their wives? Or is decreased interest in sex just an unacknowledged but natural fact of life for a lot of men? Do they want their libidos back?

Further, how do their partners feel about this? Are they dejected or relieved? Do they suspect infidelity, asexuality or homosexuality, or just blame themselves? What are they doing about it? What can they do?

He's Just Not Up for It Anymore provides a unique window into the sexless man's mind—so that men and women can understand this important issue and begin to address the problems that have inhibited intimacy, and ultimately solve them.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 256 pages
• Publisher: William Morrow (December 26, 2007)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0061192031
• ISBN-13: 978-0061192036
• Product Dimensions: 8.9 x 6.2 x 1.3 inches
• Shipping Weight: 13.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
• Amazon.com Sales Rank: #156,851 in Books (See Bestsellers in Books)

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

26 of 28 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Objective, Well-Researched 4000 Person Survey of Married Men Who Lose Sexual Interest in Their Wives, May 14, 2008

By	L. A. Enke "Anne of Carversville" (New York City) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I'm flabberghasted reading the other reviews of this book, so confused that I just retrieved it, to peruse it again before writing this review. I sense that other reviewers are processing the facts of the book through the lens of their own personal lives.

I read this superb book on men losing interest in sex with their wives as a professional consultant, with a keen interest in sex in America. The book is well balanced and not all focused on placing blame on EITHER party, inspite of two totally contradictory reviews of the same book.

The authors do make the accurate point that the lower-libido partner ALWAYS controls sexual frequency in any relationship. In no way does this book exempt wives from contributing to loss of their husband's libido.

First and foremost, the chapters of the book are organized around the results of a 4000 person, gender-balanced survey of men who have withdrawn from sex with their wives, and wives whose husbands don't want sex with them. These respondents are not married to each other.

We first read the reasons why men said they stopped having sex with their wives. The top three reasons listed were:

1. She isn't sexually adventurous enough for me -- 68%
2. She doesn't seem to enjoy sex -- 61%
3. I am interested is sex with others, but not with my wife -- 48%

Next, we read the women's responses -- why they think their husbands stopped having sex with them. The top three reasons lsited were:

1. He lost interest and I don't know why -- 66%
2. He is depressed -- 57%
3. He is angry at me -- 45%

In fact, this #3 answer among women is about the only thing that men and women agree on in this classic Venus and Mars discussion around marital sexuality.

44% of men surveyed agree that they are mad at their wives, and this fact contributes to loss of libido.

What I like about the book is that it tackles big topics in this gender-based, bedroom divide. As a professional I am interested in the big picture, not one person's personal love life.

The authors write: "One of the biggest predictors of male sexual satisfaction is receiving oral sex. Moving beyond their own 4000 person survey, they cite the well-respected Elle/MSNBC poll of approximately 39,000 men, in which one of the biggest predictors of male sexual satisfaction is receiving oral sex."

That's the Mars position.

Venus, according to the same poll isn't so thrilled with Mars, when it comes to performing fellatio. 45 percent or the women surveyed say that they don't like performing fellatio.

Whether women like going down on a guy or not, men view fellatio as an ultimate expression of love, commitment, adoration, tenderness, and temporary surrender. To have 1 of every 2 marital bedrooms in deadlock on this topic could be considered a national problem, in my opinion.

The value of this book lies in its objective reporting on real answers to real questions in a large national survey. The anecdotal reporting comes from the followup interviews. I prefer this approach to books that focus on the problems of a few sexual or marital-therapy clients, and then offer big-picture analysis.

This book illuminates the chasm between 4000 men and women, who suffer marital distress with a low-libido husband. Period.

At the end of the book, neither sex is responsible. As is the case with most of life, the answers are in the joint-responsibility grey matter. The answers are physical, psychological, and cultural.

The only question that these parties do agree on, is that they are bloody angry with each other. I would begin the marital dig here.

18 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful, helpful, important, and well-written, February 29, 2008

By	Stephen L. Gessner "Clinical Psychologist" (New York, NY) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

This is a very important book which handles a sensitive and difficult topic with insight, compassion, and solutions. It is well-researched and carefully written by one of the few true experts in the field. Using a survey to gather information from thousands of respondents gives the book an authenticity and a personal quality that helps the reader understand what real people think about this topic. The advice, suggestions, and remedies offered by the authors take the book beyond a mere analysis of the problem to a prescriptive level of practical and useful solutions.

16 of 19 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars MUCH BETTER THAN The Sex Starved Wife , May 9, 2008

By	Jean "ebayer" (Virginia) - See all my reviews

I just finished reading both this book and The Sex-Starved Wife. I really liked this book because it placed the reality of the non-responsive spouse on the man where it belongs. I found the message of the wife being at fault in the Sex Starved Wife to be demeaning, sexist, and very unsupportive to women.

My personal experience with a non-responsive husband is that no matter what you do, there is no response. The non-responsive spouse is in control of the sex. In the last 25 years, my husband and I have had sex no more than 10 times. I am not a nag. I am imaginative. I do discuss. I give him lots of space. There doesn't appear to be any joint solution to this problem - because it isn't a joint problem --- it is MY problem. He is perfectly happy the way things are. I am the one who is unhappy. Viagra does nothing just sitting on the nightstand!

So, this book really gives definitive information on how the wife feels about being deprived of sex and having to beg for it, or suffer for it, or take it whenever the man wants to give it whether she is in the mood or not. I think this male behavior should actually be called marital rape! Men need to know how they are treating women. The MYTH of women nagging and withholding sex is a LIE - It is the MEN who are doing it!

This is a huge problem for women in this country. Another cultural myth is that men are always and forever ready for sex at the drop of a hat - and women and men believe it. There isn't a simple solution to a man who refuses to have sex - dressing up in saran wrap is not going to fix this problem. My life is in tatters. I have given the book to my husband and now I guess I just wait some more! -- Great life....

I highly recommend this book and I am actively looking for others - suggestions are welcome