Customer Reviews

He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It

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I must say. At first I thought there could be no better work on the subject than The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire. This book is much more comprehensive, thorough and gender balanced in examining the reasons why male partners either decrease or cease their sexual activity with their significant others. Perhaps this is so because the book is written by a married couple who wanted to be fair to both genders involved. Like THE SEX STARVED WIFE the book wrote that HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder)can be used as a catchall term for little or no sex as a result of many factors both psychological and physiological in origin. So often the medical community has a tendency to assume that the sole reason for this has to do with low testosterone count. In Chapter Eleven "Maybe He's Gay? Asexual?" Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz clearly state "if a man's sex drive is low, it may not be due to low testosterone...there are multiple physiological and psychological reasons for a man not wanting to have partnered sex." Significantly, one reason may be "simply the way an individual functions, just as one man may have an unusually high sex drive, another may have one unusually low. And sometimes a man with a weak level of desire marries a female with a libido that falls into a range that is average or above, a situation perhaps masked in the early days of courtship when his passion was able to soar to a temporary high before it peaked and declined back to what was 'normal' for him". This is something THE SEX STARVED WIFE neglected to mention. I have read some reviewers that sounded furious that the author of THE SEX STARVED WIFE seemed to blame the woman exclusively for the problem.In their concluding chapter Berkowitz and Yager-Berkowitz DO admit that "sexless marriage is rarely the result of only one partner's behavior, even it if looks that way on the surface." I DO agree with that statement but I DON'T agree with what they allege in Chapter One "Why Men Stop Having Sex." I do not agree that WOMEN shift responsibility for the lack of sex away from themselves. On the contrary, I think women have a tendency to BLAME THEMSELVES for their husband's lack of desire and oftentimes excessively and unjustly so. Both partners in the relationship have to take responsibility for their actions. Far too often there is a hidden power struggle existing in the relationship. It IS pointed out that "the absence of sexual desire is most often related to expressed or unexpressed anger...living with critical and controlling women who were ready to fly off the handle..." but also that "We don't believe anger is one-sided...They are taking no responsibility for, or are oblvious to, their own part in the story." The authors rightfully state "A conflict-free relationship is impossible. However, when conflict becomes either a cause or an excuse for witholding sex, it is not handled properly." Additionally "Not getting or sustaining an erection can also be a way of passively showing contempt. Withholding sex becomes a punishment; he is refusing to give her something she wants, perhaps one of the few things he perceives as still being within his control." This creates a vicious circle when "The 'noncritical' or 'nonangry' partner responds by witholding touch, warmth and sex, which gives the 'angry' spouse more reason to stay that way." At any rate I would strongly recommend this book especially for any woman struggling in a relationship where sexual intimacy has been rendered extinct.

I'm flabberghasted reading the other reviews of this book, so confused that I just retrieved it, to peruse it again before writing this review. I sense that other reviewers are processing the facts of the book through the lens of their own personal lives.

I read this superb book on men losing interest in sex with their wives as a professional consultant, with a keen interest in sex in America. The book is well balanced and not all focused on placing blame on EITHER party, inspite of two totally contradictory reviews of the same book.

The authors do make the accurate point that the lower-libido partner ALWAYS controls sexual frequency in any relationship. In no way does this book exempt wives from contributing to loss of their husband's libido.

First and foremost, the chapters of the book are organized around the results of a 4000 person, gender-balanced survey of men who have withdrawn from sex with their wives, and wives whose husbands don't want sex with them. These respondents are not married to each other.

We first read the reasons why men said they stopped having sex with their wives. The top three reasons listed were:

1. She isn't sexually adventurous enough for me -- 68%
2. She doesn't seem to enjoy sex -- 61%
3. I am interested is sex with others, but not with my wife -- 48%

Next, we read the women's responses -- why they think their husbands stopped having sex with them. The top three reasons lsited were:

1. He lost interest and I don't know why -- 66%
2. He is depressed -- 57%
3. He is angry at me -- 45%

In fact, this #3 answer among women is about the only thing that men and women agree on in this classic Venus and Mars discussion around marital sexuality.

44% of men surveyed agree that they are mad at their wives, and this fact contributes to loss of libido.

What I like about the book is that it tackles big topics in this gender-based, bedroom divide. As a professional I am interested in the big picture, not one person's personal love life.

The authors write: "One of the biggest predictors of male sexual satisfaction is receiving oral sex. Moving beyond their own 4000 person survey, they cite the well-respected Elle/MSNBC poll of approximately 39,000 men, in which one of the biggest predictors of male sexual satisfaction is receiving oral sex."

That's the Mars position.

Venus, according to the same poll isn't so thrilled with Mars, when it comes to performing fellatio. 45 percent or the women surveyed say that they don't like performing fellatio.

Whether women like going down on a guy or not, men view fellatio as an ultimate expression of love, commitment, adoration, tenderness, and temporary surrender. To have 1 of every 2 marital bedrooms in deadlock on this topic could be considered a national problem, in my opinion.

The value of this book lies in its objective reporting on real answers to real questions in a large national survey. The anecdotal reporting comes from the followup interviews. I prefer this approach to books that focus on the problems of a few sexual or marital-therapy clients, and then offer big-picture analysis.

This book illuminates the chasm between 4000 men and women, who suffer marital distress with a low-libido husband. Period.

At the end of the book, neither sex is responsible. As is the case with most of life, the answers are in the joint-responsibility grey matter. The answers are physical, psychological, and cultural.

The only question that these parties do agree on, is that they are bloody angry with each other. I would begin the marital dig here.

This is a very important book which handles a sensitive and difficult topic with insight, compassion, and solutions. It is well-researched and carefully written by one of the few true experts in the field. Using a survey to gather information from thousands of respondents gives the book an authenticity and a personal quality that helps the reader understand what real people think about this topic. The advice, suggestions, and remedies offered by the authors take the book beyond a mere analysis of the problem to a prescriptive level of practical and useful solutions.

"...lack of desire is recognized as the most common sexual problem in America..."

The whole idea of men being celibate in marriage may seem foreign to most of us. However it is much more common than you may realize. 40 million Americans find themselves living in a no-sex or low-sex marriage.

In some countries (like India) married men become celibate for religious reasons and this seems to be more accepted. But in America, a lack of libido is seen as a major problem that can eventually spell doom for many marriages.

When we think of lack of desire in marriage we may automatically think the woman is to blame. After all, we've been taught that men have higher libidos. However men who shut down emotionally (or become angry) seem to also shut down sexually.

Some of the reasons men stop having sex include boredom, depression (many drugs may cause men to no longer feel romantic love or can cause them to be impotent), anger, their partner's weight gain or the madonna/whore syndrome. Some are also anxious about getting a woman pregnant so they abstain. Quite a few men stop having sex with their partners because they prefer pornography. A few men withhold sex as punishment. Some have hypoactive sexual desire disorder, low testosterone or erectile dysfunction. So the list is long and the problems seem endless.

So what is a woman to do if her partner no longer seems to desire her company? This book does not have a lot of answers but does have a chapter on what some couples are doing about this problem. There is some good advice from couples who have remained married. Basically this book is good for figuring out why the problem is happening in the first place. Then you may want to seek counseling for the issues involved.

Truthfully, this is one of the most interesting books I've ever read. If you are no longer prepared to live in a platonic relationship or have sex infrequently, this book has lots of ideas to consider.

~The Rebecca Review

I just finished reading both this book and The Sex-Starved Wife. I really liked this book because it placed the reality of the non-responsive spouse on the man where it belongs. I found the message of the wife being at fault in the Sex Starved Wife to be demeaning, sexist, and very unsupportive to women.

My personal experience with a non-responsive husband is that no matter what you do, there is no response. The non-responsive spouse is in control of the sex. In the last 25 years, my husband and I have had sex no more than 10 times. I am not a nag. I am imaginative. I do discuss. I give him lots of space. There doesn't appear to be any joint solution to this problem - because it isn't a joint problem --- it is MY problem. He is perfectly happy the way things are. I am the one who is unhappy. Viagra does nothing just sitting on the nightstand!

So, this book really gives definitive information on how the wife feels about being deprived of sex and having to beg for it, or suffer for it, or take it whenever the man wants to give it whether she is in the mood or not. I think this male behavior should actually be called marital rape! Men need to know how they are treating women. The MYTH of women nagging and withholding sex is a LIE - It is the MEN who are doing it!

This is a huge problem for women in this country. Another cultural myth is that men are always and forever ready for sex at the drop of a hat - and women and men believe it. There isn't a simple solution to a man who refuses to have sex - dressing up in saran wrap is not going to fix this problem. My life is in tatters. I have given the book to my husband and now I guess I just wait some more! -- Great life....

I highly recommend this book and I am actively looking for others - suggestions are welcome

I FOUND THIS BOOK INFORMATIVE, I LEARNED A LOT ABOUT BOTH MYSELF AND MY HUSBAND AND OUR RELATIONSHIP, MOST OF ALL, I HAVE COME AWAY WITH SOME AVENUES TO EXPLORE IN DEALING WITH THE SITUATION.

it took 3 weeks for the book to get here, thought that was a little stange. the research done is unique and interesting points are made. however i think the title is misleading as the only answer to "what you can do about it" seems to be counseling. also was under the impression a wide range of ages, young and old, was polled, yet all but 1 or 2 were over the age of 40. being as there is very limited material in this area, it is a great place to find different, educated theories. just don't start out with your hopes to high.

I gave this book two stars because I believe improving marriages and the sex lives within them are very important, however it should really be one or one and a half stars because this book paints the picture in a very skewed fashion. It takes the position that the reason that couples are having less sex is the Man's fault, and any explanation given to the contrary from a man or a woman is retranslated to show that either the man is trying to deflect responsibility or the wife is "irrationally" feeling a sense of responsibility for an aspect of the sex life. It takes the viewpoint that all guy's are pretty much the same, or should be whatever women demand them to be, and anything less than compliance is his problem that he has to come to terms with. I believe that this kind of biased, accusatory, blaming advice is in no way going to help people at a deep level. I believe in deflecting responsibility from both partners and looking at the relationship which neither one can be separate or exonerated from responsibility from is the best solution. Both partners created the relationship, so both partners are responsible for what occurs in a relationship, like it or not, avoiding that fact, and using the resentful weapon of blame is going to cause more division and short circuit intimacy. If the man doesn't want to have sex, there may be a reason, but it may not be the reason you want to hear. And this whole business of using Erectile Dysfunction to marginalize a man and say that any action he takes or anything he feels sexually or relationally is because of Erectile Dysfunction is so shoddy and disrespectful that it totally misses the point and provides a disservice. What the author(s) don't understand and miss is that a flaccid penis is often the solution to a different problem and is a message from deep inside a man, unless he has a physical problem which can easily be assessed and corrected with better health habits and if absolutely necessary a medication, withthe hope that he will improve and restore his sexual health and if possible wead himself off of it. In the instance of a nonphysical problem the issue must be looked at as an unconscious outgrow of the true feelings and true status of the relationship, that is the most authentic message a man can give, because he can lie with many things, words, some actions, and such, but if he ever gets an erection, even in his sleep or in the mornings or with masturbation, his penis is telling you the truth about how he "really really" feels. Even though the massage may be difficult and not what you want to hear, you would be wise to listen and heed the message. But even in the instance of a "physical problem" his feelings are still valid, and to blame him for his feelings and try to pressure or guilt or blame a man into being sexual with you won't work, and even if it seems to, it will be a factory for resentment. I am not exonerating guy's from responsibility either because guy's and girl's both need to communicate, but misunderstandings like the one's expressed and articulated by the author's are very problematic, and even though they may sort of comfort those who want to blame and not take a real look at their lives and get some responsibility and a sense of control and intimacy in their lives, it could be quite hazardous. For some other options in looking at some of these issues consult books by Bernie Zilbergeld, Barry McCarthy, Jack Morin, Michael Castleman, and especially Marty Klein.

Book received in better than expected condition. It arrived about a week early as well. Thank-you!