This book really isn't just for women, and it really isn't just about relationships. True, it focuses on empowering women to say "Hey, I'm worth more than this and I'm not going to settle" which is a wonderful thing to realize, but it really goes beyond relationships. We are conditioned to work hard (and, as an unfortunate side effect, suffer) for everything in life - jobs, material possessions, etc - and when love or money or other things we want don't come to us, it's easier emotionally to justify and/or make excuses as to why we're not getting what we feel we deserve when we want it. Whether it's the attention of a man (or woman) or a promotion at work, the power of this book is that it tells you in no uncertain terms that YOU are the only one who will suffer if you continue to cling to something that wasn't meant to be.
The authors have really stumbled on to something good here - what I took away from this book and will continue to remember is that life is too short to pine for things that aren't meant to happen. Who knows how many great things pass us by because we're too busy worrying about getting something or someone that just wasn't meant to be. Read it and weep, if you must, but then also be glad that - if you apply what you've learned and make it your mantra - it's the last time you will cry over a love or aspiration unrealized.
on December 15, 2005
Disclaimer - I've only looked at the first third of this book. What I did look at was ALL WRONG.
The author breezily explains to women that if a guy was interested in you, he would make a move. That's it. Every single time.
I'll let you in on a secret. Most guys are actually terrified of women... or more specifically, terrified of rejection. This is especially true if you have an ongoing relationship (whether a business relationship, same circle of friends, etc.) where he will have to "revisit" his rejection repeatedly.
For some men, asking a woman out is tantamount to a MARRIAGE PROPOSAL. It makes them THAT nervous, or even MORE nervous. At least with a proposal, the guy has some idea of what answer to expect.
I used to be like this. Women would literally pull me aside and tell me what a great guy I am. I didn't have confidence in my attractiveness, so I didn't realize they were actually telling me they LIKED me. A LOT. I really did think they were telling me they really dig me as a friend.
As a result -- I never did anything.
I don't have this problem anymore. But... I definitely do see this in a lot of guys. Perhaps the world the author lives in is full of confident guys. That's why I give this 2 stars instead of 1... I'm giving him a slight benefit of the doubt.
I'm not done yet though ... here's an added twist...
The more a guy likes you (I'm talking to the women reading this), in some cases he may actually be less likely to ask you out. He values you too much to risk messing things up.
So... this book is WRONG in the majority of cases, in my experience. Buy a flirting book instead, to give him signals so he'll have some degree of confidence he won't be rejected. That's what flirting is for.
My advice -- find out a little bit about his dating experience. If he hasn't had many girlfriends, he's shy. If he HAS had many girlfriends, then MAYBE this book will apply.
To all those people who disagree with me, I have two things to say. First. I agree with you. Being shy is worthless. I'm very forthright now if I'm into a woman, and it works well for me. If not, moving on.
Second, seems like most people who disagree in comments (and are probably clicking "No" to if this review is helpful) don't like that some guys are shy. Well, no s***, Sherlock. Really, did you read the review? I'm not endorsing being shy or taking a woman too seriously. I'm saying it happens. Big difference, but apparently it's lost on quite a few people.
on November 19, 2004
Most of what the male author of this book states is common sense. E.g. "a cheating man is bad", "If he doesn't call you, ask you out, sleep with you, he isn't into you". However--I hold great contention in how absolute the author in his assessment of men. He presumes all men work the same, and that's just not true.
In the book he gives an example of a girl dating a man who's just come out of a divorce. He's told her that he's not ready to get into a serious relationship right now because he just got out of one--makes complete sense. The author's assessment? "He's just not that into you". Are you kidding me? He says that if a man likes you, he will do what it takes to keep you in his life--he's knows a jewel when he sees one. So are you saying that the fact that he just came out of a broken wedlock couldn't possibly have left him with hesitations about entering into another long term relationship so soon regardless of the girl? Give me a break.
The author also says that if a man wants you, he'll do whatever it takes to get you. I strongly disagree. Take a look at the (male) author of this book, he's a self-proclaimed "bad boy", who we may deduce was probably pretty cocky when it came to dating. I'm guessing (as per the "bad boy stereotypical formula") that he had no problems approaching and pursuing women. The thing is though Mr. Author-man, not all men are created the same.
Some men are shy.
Some men genuinely have baggage.
Some men need a little encouragement because their last few attempts have falled flat.
I agree that the male should do a lot of the pursuing, but I don't think the girl needs to sit back and allow herself to be led at the will of the guy. That's simply ridiculous.
The black and white "If he doesn't do 'x', then he's not into you" is way too simplistic, and it's a mindset that could potential ruin a perfectly good relationship if followed.
I do feel that some women make too many excuses for the way men treat them--and this book should shed light on them. However, I caution them to read with a grain of salt because not all men are of the type the author write about.
I'm suspect when a non-expert writes so-called "expert" books. There's definitely something to be said having formal education training --you understand that humans are complex beings composed of many different experiences, emotions, and opinions that form the way they react in a relationship setting.
My advice (and this is free!): Be yourself, relax, and don't try too hard to get someone to like you. Recognize the common sense warning signs, and never stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy 95% of the time.
on February 15, 2005
Are you kidding? Males start off complicated with the mixed messages they give females on the playground. You remember your mother's saying: "If he teases you Dear, that means he likes you." Meanwhile, you just want to give the offending little cad-in-training a sock in the eye!
The title of this book in itself is insulting. The book itself is insulting to both sexes. It seems to view male female relationships in black and white, yin and yang, right and wrong, good and bad, like or dislike. Second of all, it is oversimplistic even in terms of men. The over all tone of this book goes back to that atavistic "Me Tarzan, You Jane" image of men and women and seems to paint men as 'rulers of the world' unhesitant and unquestioning. The position of the authors is that men say and do exactly what they mean. But if that were the case, then this book never would have had to be written in the first place. Obviously, if guys were that simple and their every action mirrored their inner motives then this book should have been entitled: "Men are aggravating, ever changing, manipulative cads who just want to see you squirm". Men question themselves all the time. They doubt themselves and they fear rejection.
They too, like women, don't always know what they want. I've talked plenty of my shy guy friends into asking a woman they really liked out for a date. I have a guy friend who's quite the ladies' man, though not a cad, who got a call from a gorgeous girl he really liked. Yet he never returned her call because she made him nervous and he didn't know what to say to her.
If a man gives a woman mixed messages, I think it's oversimplistic to say that he's not at all interested in her. In addition, I think it's unfair to say that his uninterested behavior negates his interested behavior. Don't get me wrong, I I'm not advocating hanging on to a man who's not giving a woman what she wants. That's for sure. I too have had men give me tons of mixed messages, calling me out of the blue and asking me out when I haven't even really thought of them in months and then acting completely nervous and disinterested on the date. And yes, I've stopped hoping after them. But when strange behavior like that is going on, I've got to think there's something more going on beneath the surface. It's nothing I could or should try to change or fix, nor should I hope to ever go out with that man again. But after the initial disappointment of having to let a man go, I find it beneficial, even even self-nurturing to appreciate the good and bad of the experience rather than make myself feel like a loser as I say goodbye to a man because "He's just not that into (me)." (even if he's the one who initiated the date in the first place.)
Obviously there's something a man is interested in about you if he shows you interest just as there are things about you that disinterest him if he shows you disinterest. After all, if men are as simple as the authors of this book would like us to believe, then why would they feign interest and waste their time with us if they're not interested in us at all or are just going to turn around and change their minds about us later on? That makes just as little sense as women rejecting men for every little infraction on their part because "he's just not that into us." It's the 21st Century anyway and we all have issues and strange reasons for doing and not doing the things we do. Nobody is perfect and nobody will always give you what you want anyway. I feel this book is just another nod in the direction of glib, crazy-making, two minute pop-psycology that slaps sisters around with that dispassionate, 'get over it' Dr. Phil tough love that I find so annoying, oversimplified and abrasive.
on June 2, 2005
A friend of mine raved about this book, so in spite of the put-down title (which I think generalizes men, and women), I picked up a copy. And yes, was disappointed. The book focuses on excuses women make to convince themselves that men are "into them" when they're "not." First, I thought the points were obvious - for example, a man who doesn't call when he says he would. According to the book, if he doesn't, he's not into you.
There could be a multitude of reasons why that aren't related to how into you he is or isn't. But that being said, the reasons may not matter. For the more appropriate question in my view is "How do you want to be treated in a relationship?" To instead ask whether or not "he's into you" is to assume that he's finding you lacking in some way. Yes, the book says you're great, pretty, etc. but if the authors really believe that, then why all the repetition of the only reason a guy isn't acting like Prince Charming is that you don't interest him enough (with the token positive comment added on after all the negativity)?
I don't think many women would want to be involved with or marry a man who treated them well only because he was "into her" and had treated other women poorly because he wasn't into them. Not me anyway - only a man who treats all women and men well is worth it, in my book.
Second, this book doesn't match my personal experience either - of a couple of men who'd told me they'd been too nervous to ask me out for a very long time, of the male friends who'd told me they'd been so broken by their previous relationships that they feared getting into another one (and I witnessed their hesitation for years - and yes - the women they married did a lot of the work in the beginning), of the men I know who have told me that they often "reject before being rejected" etc.
So what's of value here? Deciding what kind of relationship you want and seeking someone who treats you well (and hopefully because of who he is as a person, not his evaluation of you).
But there are plenty of books out there written by people who possess and offer much deeper knowledge of relationships than the writers of this book, and who offer it in a way that is affirming, rather than negative. One title that goes to the heart of relationships in a positive and clear way is "The New Couple," by Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee. A book written for men by a psychologist (also a man) but that I think many women would find very helpful is "When Good Men Behave Badly" by David Wexler (yes, another cliche title - and possibly one that's off-putting to men[!] - but the content of the book is solid, deep and respectful of people. I've found it countless times more helpful than this one). On a more general level, Don Miguel Ruiz's books - "The Four Agreements," "The Mastery of Love" and "The Voice of Knowledge" are helpful reminders of all the "stories" that are told in our culture (like those in this book) - and how they distort reality and how damaging they can be to our healthy and happy functioning.
In questions of relationship, I think it's good to turn towards people who have knowledge (psychologists for example) and write with maturity in this area. The content of this particular book stays on the surface of the things, and I think is presented in a unnecessarily negative manner. Not something I'd recommend to anyone, and I'm concerned about all the hype over this one - for I think it can steer we women in an unhealthy direction, where we ask the wrong question - "Is he into me?" - rather than "What do I want in my relationship?"
on October 21, 2004
Some guys are shy and get an attack of nerves when confronted by women.
Some guys have spent the major part of their lives in studies and are inexperienced in matters life, love and women.
Some guys have spent the major part of their lives in studies and have discoved TO THEIR COST that they are inexperienced in matters life, love and women.
Some guys are looking for an equal partnership and are not interested in playing by "the rules".
Some guys have developed a life of their own and dedicating effort to "the hunt" has drifted off their radar. Is there space for you in his life? Who knows if you don't make an effort!
Some guys really HAVE been hurt bad and prefer clear signals from a woman before trying again.
Some guys have learnt getting familiar with someone in non-dating frameworks is a better way of REALLY getting to know you. Dating is almost a waste of time. Everyone's on their best behavior!
Some guys have a huge workload, just started a company, just had a disappointment, lost someone important... and find it's too early/are too proud/whatever - to involve you in their problems. And perhaps a relationship is too much for him right now. Later?
Some guys may have low self-esteem, erectile difficulties, goodness knows what else - sure, that's a turnoff. But it's not that they're "just not that into you"!
Some guys don't believe you are interested in them for themselves. Can he offer a comfortable life? Is that why you want him? Does he sense that - but still likes you? Complicated, isn't it?!
Some guys may not share this vision of standard New York dating. Not into alternatives? Fine, but again, it's not because he's "just not that into you"! - By the way, many non-starter romantic relationships blossom into beautiful friendships.
Some guys haven't seen SATC and cannot smell what you expect of them!
Obviously, if the guy's a no-hoper, not for you, or REALLY not responding, don't waste your time. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you? Ideally, both should declare their intentions. But few can handle that, esp. so soon. And besides, how many guys are communicative?!
Also, realise women are now independent and responsible for themselves. Both parties must bring something to the relationship. Build yourself and your life up. Love yourself first. Waiting is death.
Men are complicated.
Women are complicated.
Relationships are even more complicated.
Deal with it.
Oh, and maybe he IS "just not that into you"!
Add that to the book's list of excuses.
This book is more than just a self-help book. Its a way for women to understand their relationships. I picked up this book not expecting much from it- that is, expecting not much more than a load of psychobabble written by a couple of Sex and the City authors who think they know more about relationships than the average Jane-on-the-street. But I was intrigued by the title, mostly because I've been in those kind of "relationships" where I now realize the guy just wasn't all that interested in me. And the guy will be the last person to admit that he isn't interested in the woman. It just isn't in the male vocabulary to admit what is so glaringly obvious.
The more I read this book, the more I realized how much of it is true. How many times have I made the excuses presented in this book- like maybe he has a lot on his mind, so thats why he isn't calling me. But the truth of the matter is, he really isn't into you if he isn't calling you period. He also isn't into you if he isn't asking you out on a date, or dating you, or for any other reason that doesn't make a relationship into a healthy one.
The signs he isn't interested are all around- its just that women take things and pick them apart so that they can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Women really are fantastic; they just have to realize this, and this book does a great job helping women figure this fact out. This is a must-read for all women, regardless of whether or not they are in a relationship.
on March 15, 2005
When we sat down to write our new book, Always Talk to Strangers: Three Simple Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life, we had one thing in mind-to get men and women back on the same page when it came to meeting each other. As a dating agent who actually works with men and women on a daily basis, as opposed the inexperienced authors of chick lit that have become bestsellers, nothing frustrated David more than hearing women talk about the mind games they think they must play to get a man's attention. Women, let this serve as a wakeup call. There is no mind game, rule, or trick that can make a man truly fall for you. You've been sold a bill of goods!
In famous books like The Rules and He's Just Not that Into You, the authors espouse the coy technique, i.e., the more you act like you don't care about a guy, the more he'll fall for you. Is it true? The answer-a resounding no. So why does this technique seem to work so often? The reason-men are not falling in love with you, they're falling in love with your unavailability. Most people are attracted to things they can't have. If someone acts like they don't need you or want you, or that they are unattainable, suddenly they become a challenge. This is Psychology 101. Think about it. How much would you love the guy you have a crush on if instead of him being a challenge, he was staring at you all day, enamored, completely at your beckon call, worshiping your every word and move. Might be fun for a while, but eventually you'd lose interest in him?
The problem for most women who use the "coy" technique comes when you they can longer keep up the emotionally unavailable charade. At some point they have to let down their guard, be themselves, become vulnerable, and see if the man accepts them for who they are or see if he heads for the door. Most of the time if a man is not ready for a relationship, or a woman is no longer emotionally unavailable, he's heading for the door.
Contrary to popular belief, men are not one dimensional creatures. Most men don't simply sit around with their friends grunting and burping like Neanderthals. As a matter of fact, you'd probably be surprised to know that most men talk very openly with their friends about their feelings toward women, about love, and about their emotions. In addition, most men are very aware of their own issues with intimacy and commitment, and most of the time they know when they are ready to confront these issues, and make a go of it with a woman.
Ladies, here is what you need to know, and all ye ever need to know if you're going to have a meaningful substantive relationship with any man. First, you must have good conversation, must enjoy each other's company, and must connect on a spiritual and intellectual level. Second, you must have physical attraction. Attraction is subjective and it can't be forced, no matter what your other dating book says. Third, both of you must be ready to attempt intimacy and commitment with one another. For both men and women, this comes at different times in life. Some people are ready for long term intimacy and commitment at eighteen, some at forty-eight, and some are never capable of it, or are simply not willing to do the work that it takes to achieve it. Fourth, you both must be willing to accept that love is not just about being hot and bothered for one another. In all relationships where two people are both emotionally and physically available to one another, initial feelings of passionate lust eventually wear off. This happens at different times depending on the couple. When this happens, you begin to regain part of your identity and it's at this point where the real work of a relationship begins. Often, this work is called love.
Stop looking for easy answers to life's most complex and challenging issues. There is no mind game that will bring you real satisfaction and a lifetime of fulfillment. Instead of trying to figure out ways to manipulate men into loving you, spend time becoming the best person you can be and get proactive with your dating life. Meet as many men as possible until you find a natural meaningful connection with someone who is also willing to make a real attempt at intimacy and commitment. Believe me, they are out there. However, this much I guarantee-as long as you stereotype men and underestimate their intelligence and their complexity, you will never find a meaningful experience with one. And as long as you continue to buy into pop theories of attraction, you will continually be chasing your own tail.
David Wygant and Bryan Swerling are the authors of the new book, Always Talk to Strangers: Three Simple Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life(Penguin Group/Perigee)
on December 17, 2004
The author's of this book arrogantly proclaim that men who are interested in you will do all sorts of creative things to initiate dating, ask a girl out, and come up with all sorts of wonderful, clever romantic things to build your relationship upon - IF they're interested of course.
However, the reality is that this doesn't hold true for a large % of men. Many of us are shy and avoid the bar/club games, slick come-on lines and all the other things that these authors so steadfastly proclaim that all of us men will do.
It could VERY WELL be that the man is absolutely interested in you, however, he is too shy to ask you out, he is uncomfortable to walk across the room while you are surrounded with your friends to initiate a conversation, he is perhaps a great guy, however, he isn't Mr. Smooth on how to wine, dine, romance and seduce a woman.
According the authors, these men must instantly be dismissed forever because "he just isn't that into you". Ridiculous. In fact, I would also argue that a large % of the time, it isn't so clear as to whether or not the women is into HIM for the exact same reasons - SHE is shy, she isn't making her feelings known, she isn't the clever player who does the dating thing just right, etc.
I'm sure this book has some helpful advice for women who desperately cling to failed partners, however, without question it should be taken with a grain of salt.
on September 24, 2004
This book is simple, fun and a quick read, (No dumb advice about using "I" instead of "You" sentences, no self-righteous quotes from guys about what turned them off in women, no playacting advised or required to trick a guy into loving you, etc.), but it might be the best, most refreshing relationship book ever written.
Basically, it says that if a guy seems reluctant to call, date, etc, or is married, is "afraid" to commit, makes you feel stupid or fat, it's not your fault! There is nothing you have to change to "attract" him - it just means he's "not that into you," not right for you, and you should stop wasting time trying to twist the relationship into working and move on to find someone who is right.
Simple advice, right? But in the hodge podge of relationship advice and changing sex roles, common sense and self-respect have gotten lost, and this book brings it back.
Men are not frail, shy, helpless, confused creatures - if a man wants something, he'll go for it - and if he's not going for it, he doesn't want it.
Every lady in the dating world should read this - its a long-needed shot in the arm of a healthy dose of self-respect - the best medicine.