27 of 36 people found the following review helpful:
1.0 out of 5 stars
Not For Victims of Abusive Relationships, July 31, 2004
This review is from: High-Maintenance Relationships (AACC Library) (Paperback)
This book is about maintaining relationships with abusive, destructive, untrustworthy, and downright dangerous people, who are euphemistically referred to as "high-maintenance". The victim of such an abuser is encouraged to keep the relationship together at all costs and given suggestions for adapting to and living with the abuse, including becoming more sympathic to his abuser by recognizing the exact same abusive tendency in himself-which may be true for some characteristics but is quite a stretch if you are going to assume EVERYONE has EVERY offensive trait to some degree.
The author makes the victim solely responsible for staying in an abusive relationship without ever confronting the abuser or understanding that the time may come when it is necessary to leave the relationship for one's own sanity or mental, emotional, spiritual, and even physical health. The abusive person is absolved of all responsibility for his own behavior.
The book never addresses the extreme damage long-term exposure to abusers does to a victim, nor does it address the responsiblity of others to stand up to evil and protect weaker people , such as children in the family, from it.
The author quotes Scripture as a rationale and justification for his premise of tolerating ongoing abuse; however, Scripture does not support this thinking. In the Bible, we are held responsible for our behavior. The Bible tells us to forgive AS GOD FORGAVE US (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13).God forgives us when we come to him, confess our sin, ask for forgiveness (apologize) and REPENT (turn from our sinful ways).(see Ezekiel 33:10-19, Isaiah 55:6, Jeremiah 6:16 & 26:3, Luke 13:3 & 5, Acts 3:19). He does NOT forgive those who are 'stiff-necked', continue doing evil, or refuse to repent. The Lord does not expect more of us than he himself is willing to do! God requires repentance, and so should we.
TAKE HEED TO YOURSELVES: IF THY BROTHER TRESPASS AGAINST THEE, REBUKE HIM; AND IF HE REPENT, FORGIVE HIM.....Luke 17:3
Luke 17:3 is the scripture often misquoted, usually by an abuser or his enabler, when he tells you that the Bible says 'Forgive and Forget', or that you must forgive him because you are a Christian. However, Jesus is very specific when He tells us to REBUKE the sinner, and IF HE REPENTS, to forgive him.
In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus gives us a model for rebuking one who sins against us, and ends by telling us to "treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector" (shun him) if he refuses to listen. God does not want us to continue to be abused, in fact, we are told a number of times to shun evildoers (Psalm 37:9, Psalm 119:115, Matthew 18:17, Titus 3:10-11, 1 Corinthians 5:11).
Additionally, a distinction must be made between forgiveness and reconciliation, or remaining in a relationship. We CAN forgive and still choose not to remain in relationship with one who has betrayed or abused us. We are not required to expose ourselves or our loved ones to harmful, destructive, or dangerous people. "Warn a divisive person once, then warn him a second time. After that, HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned"....Titus 3:10-11
Furthermore, we are very clearly instructed in the Scriptures to rebuke wicked people. "Those who sin are to be rebuked publicly, so that the others may take warning".....1 Timothy 5:20NIV
"When I say unto the wicked, O wicked man, thou shalt surely die; if thou dost not speak to warn the wicked from his way, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood will I require at thine hand. Nevertheless, if thou warn the wicked of his way to turn from it; if he do not turn from his way, he shall die in his iniquity; but thou hast delivered thy soul"....Ezekiel 33: 8-9 KJV. Doing our best to STOP evil is required for us to save our own souls.
A much more helpful book about handling abusive relationships from a Biblical perspective is "Boundaries" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, who are well-known Christian psychologists. This book will truly teach victims of abuse how to deal with abusive people, and it also includes Scriptural teachings.
I was very disappointed in High- Maintenance Relationships and do not recommend it to anyone dealing with such people. Victims of Back-stabbers, Control- Freaks, Green-Eyed Monsters, Steamrollers, Critics, Volcanoes, and the other "characters" in this book have enough problems without being made to feel as if the sole responsibility for making a success out of a relationship with a toxic person, who merrily continues on harming others, is on their shoulders, and if the relationship fails, it is their fault because they could have done more to salvage it.
As the director of Luke 17:3 Miinistries for Adult Daughters of Abusive or Controlling Birth-families, I feel that this book may do more harm than good. It victimizes a person who is the target of abuse a second time- by making him feel guilty for not improving and continuing his relationship with someone the book itself refers to as "impossible." If you really need help and are looking for a book with constructive actions you can take, this is not it.
God wants us to be FREE from wicked people, and HE will free us if we obey his word and follow HIS instructions for dealing with them. "They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked"....Psalm 129:2-4
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Field Guide to Annoying People, January 16, 2008
This review is from: High-Maintenance Relationships (AACC Library) (Paperback)
As someone who has always been a bit awkward socially, books like these are very helpful. If you're looking for deep insights into character flaws or permission to write off difficult people, you might want to look elsewhere. However, for a light hearted overview of the many annoying people we all deal with from time to time, this book hits the mark perfectly.
Dr. Parrott offers help for dealing with those around us that we just can't escape. Every once in a while, someone's quirks and pitfalls overwhelm their lovability. That's when we can all use a strategy for relating. Dr. Parrott does not, and never would, suggest continuing in an abusive relationship (as was suggested by another review). He does offer some simple hints to help us deal with nutty people while recognizing our own tendencies to nuttiness. Beyond that, he aims to foster empathy by giving possible reasons for said nuttiness.
Should you find yourself in a situation at school, work, church, or anywhere else where unavoidable difficult people complicate your life, this book can help you navigate those relationships.
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