The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: How Your Relationships Can Thrive When the World Overwhelms You [Paperback]

Elaine Aron (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 11, 2000

Do you fall in love hard, but fear intimacy and all it entails? Are you sick of being told by someone you love that you are "too sensitive"? Do you struggle to respect a less sensitive partner, to ignore behaviors that you find shallow or harsh? Or have you given up on love, feeling too sensitive or shy to endure its wounds?

Research finds that 50 percent of what determines divorce is genetic temperament--or rather, according to Elaine Aron, ignorance about how partners should understand each other's temperaments. The risk of an unhappy relationship is especially high if you are one of the 20 percent born highly sensitive. Your fine-tuned nervous system, which picks up on subtleties and reflects deeply, would be ideal if both you and your partner understood you better. But without that understanding, your sensitivity is likely to be making your close relationships painful and complicated.

So what's a highly sensitive person to do? Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D., a research psychologist and highly sensitive person herself, has taken a closer look at how inborn temperament affects intimacy. Based on her groundbreaking new research, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love offers practical help for highly sensitive people seeking happier, healthier romantic relationships. Every aspect of highly sensitive people in relationships is covered, from low-stress fighting to sensitive sexuality. Included are self-tests and case studies--and the results from the first survey ever done on sex and temperament.  With wonderful advice on making the most of all personality combinations in relationships, Aron offers a wealth of insights for non-highly sensitive people as well.  No matter what your relationship background, you will discover a better way of living and loving in The Highly Sensitive Person in Love.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Picking up where The Highly Sensitive Person left off, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love explores the sometimes bumpy but ultimately rewarding terrain that love relationships have to offer this group of people. HSPs, as they are known, make up the estimated 15 to 20 percent of the population that have very sensitive nervous system and are prone to deep reflection and feelings of being overwhelmed by the world. These special characteristics, which tend to be misunderstood as shyness and dismissed as signs of weakness in our highly competitive society, inevitably bring interesting challenges to all kinds of love relationships for HSPs. Author Elaine Aron--who's a psychotherapist, researcher, and an HSP--delves deep to into the subject and surfaces with detailed, helpful, wise advice for HSPs and their partners, be they fellow HSPs or non-HSPs.

Aron details the positive and negative sides to such relationships, including how the HSP benefits, how both members of the relationship benefit, the typical challenges that arise, and solutions to those challenges. For instance, a relationship made up of two HSPs may engender low levels of arousal, or awareness, which means that both of you will avoid doing the same things that make you uncomfortable, such as shopping, dealing with conflict, and being in crowds. Solution? Simplify your life, see if you can hire someone to take care of the tasks neither of you wants to do--but don't forget that doing such tasks is also a way to grow personally--and divvy up the tasks according to preference. As for conflict, Aron says that having a plan of action is the best route--decide how to handle conflict in the relationship before the conflict flares up. Another reality of an HSP-HSP union is that neither person will be able to max out on work and expect to have a decent home life, so at least one of you will have to limit activities. So, plan not to have more than one child if you both work (it may be too late for some couples to put this one into action; if so, Aron advises that one parent stay at home).

Throughout the book, Aron stresses that being in a relationship is a "package deal"; neither the HSP nor the non-HSP is perfect, so she urges readers to appreciate the positive aspects of their sensitivity, be it highly sensitive or not, and not to dwell on its drawbacks. But she does urge HSPs who are unhappy with their trait to work on coming to terms with it--through inner work, counseling, or medication if needed--as its qualities, when properly appreciated, can be life enhancing and beneficial to HSPs as well as to their relationship partners. --Stefanie Durbin

From Publishers Weekly

In her 1996 bestseller, The Highly Sensitive Person, Aron defined "HSPs" as people who "pick up on subtleties, reflect deeply and therefore are easily overwhelmed." A self-professed HSP, Aron identifies the cause of this "innate temperament" as a "strong pause-to-check system" involving the neurotransmitter serotonin. The result, she explains, is "a major, normal, inherited difference in how the entire nervous system functions [and affects] every aspect of life" for 15% to 20% of the population. Aron also identifies inherited traits of "HSSs" or "high sensation seekers," whose love for change and bold risk-taking are spurred by the neurotransmitter dopamine. (Somewhat confusingly, Aron claims that it is possible for one person to be an HSP and an HSS simultaneously, or a non-HSP and a non-HSS, or any combination thereof.) Self-tests help readers assess themselves and their partners in both areas. Based on her research as a psychotherapist, hundreds of personal interviews with individuals and couples, and some recent controlled studies done by others, Aron describes the various possible "personality combinations," reasons for their attraction to one another and potential areas of conflict. Aron offers a fresh way of perceiving the diversity and complexity of human personality that will help readers better understand themselves, their partners and the dynamics of interaction. Agent, Betsy Amster. 4-city tour.
Copyright 2000 Reed Business Information, Inc.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: Broadway (April 11, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0767903358
• ISBN-13: 978-0767903356
• Product Dimensions: 9.1 x 6 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (20 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #750,436 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Elaine Aron, Ph.D., is recognized internationally as one of the leading scientists studying the psychology of love and close relationships. Dr. Aron's research on love, conducted with her husband, Dr. Art Aron, has been featured in the New York Times, Time, and National Geographic. She is the author of The Highly Sensitive Person, The Highly Sensitive Person in Love, and The Highly Sensitive Child. She has lived in many places all over North America, from a geodesic dome on Cortes Island to an aging southern mansion on Peachtree Street in Atlanta, and now divides her time between New York and San Francisco.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

114 of 116 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Rambles a bit; however, still enlightening, April 19, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: How Your Relationships Can Thrive When the World Overwhelms You (Paperback)

Aron's first book, The Highly Sensitive Person, was groundbreaking. The author pioneered in presenting a well-researched theory on what was essentially an inherited temperament leading to an unusual level of sensitivity to one's environment. Being sensitive to this degree, one sees the subtleties others miss, feels the depths others fail to experience, and essentially lives a fuller life just by observation, let alone by experience. However, this attunement has the downside of over-stimulation of the senses, resulting in feelings of discomfort or panic and a need to retreat into a far less active environment. When I first read Aron's book, I found myself. Not all of me, since each individual has myriad aspects both biological and experiential in origin, but an understanding of some of my persistent and inescapable (inexplicable) behaviors. Now, I appreciate my sensitivity, realizing that I'm not paranoid because I put 2 + 2 together more quickly than anyone I know. In fact, after Aron's book, I've learned to use and trust this ability to my and others' advantage. I realize too that I need a peaceful, silent retreat from stimulus in order to regain my balance -- realize it and understand it and permit it.

So it was with anticipation that I got myself a copy of her new book, hoping for many insights into achieving a harmonious and pleasurable love life. The HSP in Love is not as well-written or as innovative or amazing as was the original volume. I found it difficult at times to focus on the point the author was making during a discussion; however, certain points were enlightening, especially when the author writes about current research into relationships (which apply to everyone, not just HSPs). From time to time there are too many acronyms -- HSPs, non-HSPs, HSS, non-HSS, HSW, HSM, etc. -- in one paragraph, so the writing style became choppy and difficult to follow. The book contains a summary of the theory which though a good review takes up too much of the text, so there isn't enough about the "love": relationships, romance, sexuality, or platonic relationships as well. That was disappointing. Also, at times I felt like I was reading the first draft of the book, as if the author had no time to produce the book she actually intended -- something tight and organized, filled with revealing info about HSP relationships.

There was good information in this book. Don't get me wrong on that. It was worth reading, but I was left wanting more info rather than feeling like I had learned a great deal. Based on the book, my relationships have not improved, but I know a little more about loving relationships and I have more compassion for myself and my behavior/needs within the relationships. The book is worth reading for anyone identifying with being a HSP, but be sure you read The Highly Sensitive Person first so you have an understanding of the theory and get the most enlightenment about yourself before delving into to this later book.

49 of 49 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Sound Advice on Building Sensitive Relationships, October 4, 2002

By 

Peter Messerschmidt "denmarkguy" (Port Townsend, WA, USA) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: Understanding and Managing Relationships When the World Overwhelms You (Paperback)

The Highly Sensitive Person in Love is Dr. Elaine N. Aron's "sequel" to her best-selling book "The Highly Sensitive Person."

This second book builds on her previous research, this time taking on the topic of Relationships and along with it, possibly one of the most difficult issues facing Highly Sensitive People (HSPs): How to balance a strong need for "alone and quiet time" with the genuine desire to have an active and fulfilling intimate relationship. In addition to her research, Aron (an HSP) also draws on experiences from her own marriage to a non-HSP.

As a starting point, the book includes a "Sensitivity Self Test" for both the reader and their mate or potential partner. Aron then goes on to explain how HSPs differ from the rest of the world in the way they fall in love, think about love, and their needs within a relationship. There are separate chapters covering the pluses and minuses of different types of relationships: Two HSPs together, and an HSP paired with a non-HSP, as well as the differing needs of highly sensitive men and women. Finally, there are sections on "Building Sensitive Partnerships" and HSP Sexuality. Except for a few vague and indirect references, "The Highly Sensitive Person in Love" deals strictly with heterosexual relationships.

Whereas I enjoyed this book, and found much useful information within its pages, it didn't seem to offer quite the number of insights provided by "The Highly Sensitive Person." This perhaps goes to illustrate that whereas HSPs may have special needs, their relationship dynamics aren't AS different from anyone else's as one might think. Still, the book is well worth a read-- the sections on dating that "works" for an HSP, handling conflicts in a relationship, communication, and dividing "like" and "dislike" tasks in low-stress ways are highly recommended.

Aron's writing style gets a little dry and "clinical" from time to time, but the book is still quite readable. I think it stands alone quite well, but I would still highly recommend also reading Dr. Aron's original book.

Overall rating: Recommended (7.2 bookmarks out of a possible 10), not only for the Highly Sensitive Person, but also for a less sensitive person with a Highly Sensitive partner who thoroughly mystifies them!

56 of 58 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Well worth reading - Go for it!, June 18, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: The Highly Sensitive Person in Love: How Your Relationships Can Thrive When the World Overwhelms You (Paperback)

After reading the first three reviews, I put off buying this book. I got the impression that it might be just a rehash of Elaine Aron's previous HSP books which I already own.Nothing could be further from the truth! This book is packed with useful information and practical strategies for HSPs to use to build solid, fulfilling relationships. I gleaned many insights and ideas that I plan to use to enhance my relationships with my family and friends as well as with my husband.If you're serious about building a happy, fulfilling life as an HSP, I highly recommend this book.