His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Fifteenth Anniversary Edition [Hardcover]

Willard F. Harley Jr. (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: April 1, 2001

Marriage works only when each spouse takes the time to consider the other's needs and strives to meet them. In His Needs, Her Needs, Willard Harley identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses. He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.

The revised anniversary edition of His Needs, Her Needs is a celebration of how the book has helped thousands of couples revitalize their marriages during the last fifteen years. This best-seller identifies the causes of marital difficulties and instructs couples on how to prevent them, guiding them to build a relationship that sustains romance and increases intimacy. With today's soaring divorce rate and prevalence of affairs, Harley's insights are needed more than ever before.

An unabridged recording of His Needs, Her Needs, the 15th anniversary edition, is now available as an audio book.

Editorial Reviews

From the Inside Flap

The story behind this book . . .

"What a challenge! Marriages were breaking up at an unprecedented rate, and no one knew how to stop it. So I made it my own personal ambition to find the answer."-from the new preface

Dr. Harley admits that he wasn't always the successful marriage counselor he is today. In fact, there was a time when nearly every couple who came to him for counsel ended up divorced. But rather than give up, Dr. Harley set out to find a solution to the problem. This book is the product of that commitment.

For the past fifteen years, Dr. Harley has used this book to teach couples what's most important in marriage-how to fall in love and stay in love. Now, with more than a million copies and twelve translations of His Needs, Her Needs in print, he shares the story behind the book and continues to offer readers a practical plan for creating and sustaining a passionate marriage.

Nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is the author of many books on marriage, including Love Busters and The Five Steps to Romantic Love. marital problem. Dr. Harley lives in White Bear Lake, Minnesota, with Joyce, his wife of thirty-eight years.

From the Back Cover

What will it take to make your marriage sizzle?

Time after time, His Needs, Her Needs has topped the charts as the best marriage book available. More than any other, this book helps husbands and wives give each other what they need most in marriage.

This anniversary edition celebrates fifteen years of its ever-increasing popularity. The over one million couples who have read His Needs, Her Needs have learned to make their marriages sizzle, and they are recommending it to others. Join those who have seen spectacular changes in their marriages by following Dr. Harley's tried and proven counsel. You will discover that an outstanding marriage can be more than a dream--it can be your reality.

What couples are saying about His Needs, Her Needs:

"My new husband and I were having trouble adjusting to marriage. I read the book and immediately things began to improve."

"It is the best book on marriage I have ever read."

"I have recommended this book to every one of my friends. It should become a staple in every house."

"I can't believe how peaceful and loving our marriage has become since reading this book. We went from being at the brink of divorce to experiencing the same love and excitement as when we first met."

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 224 pages
• Publisher: Revell; 15 Anv edition (April 1, 2001)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 9780800717889
• ISBN-13: 978-0800717889
• ASIN: 0800717880
• Product Dimensions: 9.3 x 6.3 x 0.9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (342 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #7,622 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #70 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Marriage

More About the Author

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. He is best known as the author of His Needs, Her Needs; Love Busters; Five Steps to Romantic Love; and Give and Take.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

175 of 184 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Powerful, Practical Principles for Marriages -- A Classic!! May 11, 2002

By David R. Bess VINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover

After 15 years, Harley's work is as profound now as it was when first published. Harley has revised his book in various places, updating it based upon lessons learned since the previous edition and making it applicable to marital challenges of the 21st century. His concepts are powerful and practical. While written by a conservative Christian author, these principles are applicable to persons regardless of their religious background.

Harley's approach to "affair-proofing" a marriage centers on a concept he labels "the love bank." Every husband and wife has a love bank that encounters both deposits and withdrawals from the opposite sex. A crucial distinction is made, however, in that deposits and withdrawals are made differently with men than they are with women. These differences are based upon the ten most felt needs of a relationship with the opposite gender. Husbands, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. Wives, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. Both genders express need for all ten items, but typically husbands and wives have contrasting priorities.

According to Harley, when an individual meets one or more of the partner's greatest felt needs, deposits are made into the partner's love bank. When one or more needs are not met, withdrawals are made from the partner's love bank. An affair occurs when a spouse finds fulfillment for a strongly felt need elsewhere because it is not being met satisfactorily within the marriage.

Harley's love bank concept is the centerpiece of his best-selling work.... While his list of felt needs may not apply precisely to every man and woman, he does present a very accurate picture for most men and women in our society today. He concludes his book with giving tips on surviving an affair, and offering hope to couples struggling with a sense of incompatibility.

If you are serious about preparing for marriage, protecting your marriage, or propelling your marriage to even greater heights, this book is a must. Order it, read it, and see how powerful and practical these time-proven principles are! Read more ›

120 of 127 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Saved my marriage, too. November 21, 2002

By John Hazucha

Format:Hardcover

This is a GREAT book for those of you who love their spouse, but are not "In Love", those whose marraige is a little flat, but can't figure out why, those who have fallen "out of love" with their spouse and think that is "normal" in marriage, those who have taken the "divide and conquer" approach to family responsibilities and therefore have little time together, and those who are slowly drifting apart because their interests are different. Harley clearly shows us how to care for our spouses in ways that make them feel loved, and how to get to an "In Love" state that can last. It gave me the practical tools I needed to stop wasting energy trying to do things for my wife that she didn't really appreciate anyway, and re-direct my energy into things that mattered. It did the same for her.

That said, the book is not perfect.

By reading the other reviews here at Amazon.com, it is obvious that one of Harley's main points in this book can be missed by its readers. Apparently, people can read this book and miss Harley's statements that although the needs presented as "women's needs" are typical of women, and the needs presented as "mens needs" are typical of men, EACH PERSON IS DIFFERENT, so you should fill out the questionaire at the end of the book and figure out how this applies to you. Most people have at least one need that is "typical" of the other sex. My wife and I are pretty far from typical, so it probably helped that we took the questionaire BEFORE reading the book. I admit that the stereotypical way the needs are described is irritating.

I also agree that it can be read in a way that puts your spouse where God should be in your life. I don't think that is what the author says or means.... I think looking at it as: "In a typical marriage we are to be God's method of providing for our spouse's emotional needs", comes pretty close to the truth. This book provides most of the tools needed to identify and meet those needs, and I can personally attest to the improvements that makes in a marriage.

To suggest, as one reviewer here does, that our spouses need to learn to accept the type of love that we have to give, rather than for us to learn to love them in the way they understand, is so wrong-headed that I cannot believe it. That seems to me to be demanding that our spouse change for us, rather than demanding of ourselves that we change for our spouse, which is a recipe for divorce... Read more ›

94 of 102 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Great book - saved our marriage!! August 12, 1999

By A Customer

Format:Hardcover

This book is excellent and is a must-read for anyone contemplating marriage, having marital trouble, or happily married wanting things to be even more perfect. The previous reviewer may have taken the "needs" too literally. Dr. Harley mentions 5 of the "top" needs, but it is not the same for everyone. As a matter of fact, in my marriage, I have a few of the "male" needs, and my husband has a few of the "female" needs. But it works for us.

We were literally on the brink of divorce - only needed to get a lawyer. This book totally changed our thinking. We thought we were meeting each other's needs, but we were really meeting our "own" needs, which are rarely applicable to the spouse. We learned so much from this book, and now give it out as wedding presents to hopefully spare couples from the trouble we experienced.

I *highly* recommend this book, and don't know what we would have done without this information. We periodically read it again for a refresher course - and it always works wonders. I have read the John Gray books, but found this book to be the most helpful for us. Our marriage is fabulous now!

35 of 37 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Alternating chapters July 6, 2006

By Chemitzi

Format:Hardcover

Harley is balanced in his approach to marriage advice: One chapter talks about what men need, the next about what women need. I don't see how people can say the book bashes women or men; it's very even-handed in placing "blame" for ailing marriages. He admits that not everyone is stereotypical and that is why he includes the questionnaires at the end: so you can find out for yourself what your partner needs from you and what you need from your partner. I'd be willing to be that most of the criticisms of this book are from single people or newly married people. Those of us in long-lasting marriages can see the wisdom in it. Still, no one book is going to be The Answer to a perfect relationship. Learn what you can from it and make your own decisions. I'm glad I read it, but also glad that Amazon gives me the chance to get perspective on what I just read by reading the opinions of others.