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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage Fifteenth Anniversary Edition Hardcover – April 1, 2001


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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 224 pages
  • Publisher: Revell; 15 Anv edition (April 1, 2001)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 9780800717889
  • ISBN-13: 978-0800717889
  • ASIN: 0800717880
  • Product Dimensions: 0.8 x 6 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.2 pounds
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (410 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #71,067 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From the Inside Flap

The story behind this book . . .

"What a challenge! Marriages were breaking up at an unprecedented rate, and no one knew how to stop it. So I made it my own personal ambition to find the answer."-from the new preface

Dr. Harley admits that he wasn't always the successful marriage counselor he is today. In fact, there was a time when nearly every couple who came to him for counsel ended up divorced. But rather than give up, Dr. Harley set out to find a solution to the problem. This book is the product of that commitment.

For the past fifteen years, Dr. Harley has used this book to teach couples what's most important in marriage-how to fall in love and stay in love. Now, with more than a million copies and twelve translations of His Needs, Her Needs in print, he shares the story behind the book and continues to offer readers a practical plan for creating and sustaining a passionate marriage.

Nationally acclaimed clinical psychologist Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is the author of many books on marriage, including Love Busters and The Five Steps to Romantic Love. marital problem. Dr. Harley lives in White Bear Lake, Minnesota, with Joyce, his wife of thirty-eight years.

From the Back Cover

What will it take to make your marriage sizzle?

Time after time, His Needs, Her Needs has topped the charts as the best marriage book available. More than any other, this book helps husbands and wives give each other what they need most in marriage.

This anniversary edition celebrates fifteen years of its ever-increasing popularity. The over one million couples who have read His Needs, Her Needs have learned to make their marriages sizzle, and they are recommending it to others. Join those who have seen spectacular changes in their marriages by following Dr. Harley's tried and proven counsel. You will discover that an outstanding marriage can be more than a dream--it can be your reality.

What couples are saying about His Needs, Her Needs:

"My new husband and I were having trouble adjusting to marriage. I read the book and immediately things began to improve."

"It is the best book on marriage I have ever read."

"I have recommended this book to every one of my friends. It should become a staple in every house."

"I can't believe how peaceful and loving our marriage has become since reading this book. We went from being at the brink of divorce to experiencing the same love and excitement as when we first met."

Customer Reviews

I highly recommend this book not only to married couples but also to engaged couples.
Lori D. Knerr
This book looks at relationships in a rather unique way that will help couples better understand each other and each others' needs.
Chip Hunter
Harley's approach to "affair-proofing" a marriage centers on a concept he labels "the love bank."
David R. Bess

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

187 of 200 people found the following review helpful By David R. Bess VINE VOICE on May 11, 2002
Format: Hardcover
After 15 years, Harley's work is as profound now as it was when first published. Harley has revised his book in various places, updating it based upon lessons learned since the previous edition and making it applicable to marital challenges of the 21st century. His concepts are powerful and practical. While written by a conservative Christian author, these principles are applicable to persons regardless of their religious background.
Harley's approach to "affair-proofing" a marriage centers on a concept he labels "the love bank." Every husband and wife has a love bank that encounters both deposits and withdrawals from the opposite sex. A crucial distinction is made, however, in that deposits and withdrawals are made differently with men than they are with women. These differences are based upon the ten most felt needs of a relationship with the opposite gender. Husbands, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. Wives, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. Both genders express need for all ten items, but typically husbands and wives have contrasting priorities.
According to Harley, when an individual meets one or more of the partner's greatest felt needs, deposits are made into the partner's love bank. When one or more needs are not met, withdrawals are made from the partner's love bank. An affair occurs when a spouse finds fulfillment for a strongly felt need elsewhere because it is not being met satisfactorily within the marriage.
Harley's love bank concept is the centerpiece of his best-selling work.
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134 of 145 people found the following review helpful By John Hazucha on November 21, 2002
Format: Hardcover
This is a GREAT book for those of you who love their spouse, but are not "In Love", those whose marraige is a little flat, but can't figure out why, those who have fallen "out of love" with their spouse and think that is "normal" in marriage, those who have taken the "divide and conquer" approach to family responsibilities and therefore have little time together, and those who are slowly drifting apart because their interests are different. Harley clearly shows us how to care for our spouses in ways that make them feel loved, and how to get to an "In Love" state that can last. It gave me the practical tools I needed to stop wasting energy trying to do things for my wife that she didn't really appreciate anyway, and re-direct my energy into things that mattered. It did the same for her.
That said, the book is not perfect.
By reading the other reviews here at Amazon.com, it is obvious that one of Harley's main points in this book can be missed by its readers. Apparently, people can read this book and miss Harley's statements that although the needs presented as "women's needs" are typical of women, and the needs presented as "mens needs" are typical of men, EACH PERSON IS DIFFERENT, so you should fill out the questionaire at the end of the book and figure out how this applies to you. Most people have at least one need that is "typical" of the other sex. My wife and I are pretty far from typical, so it probably helped that we took the questionaire BEFORE reading the book. I admit that the stereotypical way the needs are described is irritating.
I also agree that it can be read in a way that puts your spouse where God should be in your life. I don't think that is what the author says or means.
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97 of 110 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on August 12, 1999
Format: Hardcover
This book is excellent and is a must-read for anyone contemplating marriage, having marital trouble, or happily married wanting things to be even more perfect. The previous reviewer may have taken the "needs" too literally. Dr. Harley mentions 5 of the "top" needs, but it is not the same for everyone. As a matter of fact, in my marriage, I have a few of the "male" needs, and my husband has a few of the "female" needs. But it works for us.
We were literally on the brink of divorce - only needed to get a lawyer. This book totally changed our thinking. We thought we were meeting each other's needs, but we were really meeting our "own" needs, which are rarely applicable to the spouse. We learned so much from this book, and now give it out as wedding presents to hopefully spare couples from the trouble we experienced.
I *highly* recommend this book, and don't know what we would have done without this information. We periodically read it again for a refresher course - and it always works wonders. I have read the John Gray books, but found this book to be the most helpful for us. Our marriage is fabulous now!
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57 of 64 people found the following review helpful By Lisa on December 13, 2004
Format: Hardcover
I almost did not buy this book because of the negative reviews scattered throughout this list. But the table of contents was so compelling and the reviews so polarized that I had to see for myself ~ and decided I'd better read it before I recommended it to the man in my life. As a woman, I find this book so accurate in so many ways that I'm tempted to underline the many statements the book makes that apply to me and give it to my loved one as a relationship bible and ask him to do the same for me. The exercises in the book look very useful ~ by the way, the book arrived today and I have only just put it down to write this review.

Ladies, those of you who have written appaulled by the chapter stating that men want an attractive wife, perhaps you have forgotten the reason you looked your best for your first date, for the day you thought he was going to propose, for your wedding day. At the time, you seemed to understand how important it was for you to look attractive and appealing to your man. Since you did not want him to change his romantic ways after marriage (and chances are he did) why would you think he would want you to change the way you take care of yourself? I didn't see anything in the book about plastic surgery, and I think the negative reviews way over exaggerate the book's encouragement of women's efforts to take care of themselves physically.

I've always believed that a man should not do anything at the beginning of a relationship (like send flowers, open car doors) that he's not willing to do until the end of time should the relationship last that long. Because if it was all for the catch, it was false advertising. So is your trim figure and attractive attire if they are only geared toward attaining the relationship in the first place.
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More About the Author

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. He is best known as the author of His Needs, Her Needs; Love Busters; Five Steps to Romantic Love; and Give and Take.
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