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65 of 68 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars a good read
I read this book about 10 years ago. I remember the first few chapters being amazing because both my husband and I fit exactly with the needs as described. My brother and his wife are going through lots of issues and I decided to see if I could find it here on amazon. I saw it had some one star reviews and twos, and wanted to see what they were given for, because I...
Published 21 months ago by Jzapper

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7 of 9 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars Written by a man who doesn't really understand women
There are so many better marriage books out there that I wouldn't recommend wasting too much time or money on this one. The author has some good insights but then he goes off track in places. For instance, he says that a husband should tell his wife when he thinks she is fat or has received a terrible hair cut in the interest of honesty. Yeah, that will go over well...
Published 16 months ago by Love Books


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65 of 68 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars a good read, May 4, 2013
This review is from: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Hardcover)
I read this book about 10 years ago. I remember the first few chapters being amazing because both my husband and I fit exactly with the needs as described. My brother and his wife are going through lots of issues and I decided to see if I could find it here on amazon. I saw it had some one star reviews and twos, and wanted to see what they were given for, because I enjoyed it so much more than that.
I will say, I can see a lot of the points given in those one star reviews. It was written in a different time, true. However.....I didn't get from it what a lot of these people did. For one some saw this as stating that a man was the one who would stray and they were sex driven. Half of that is true, sex is one of the mans top 5 needs. But it did NOT make it sound as if only the man would stray. It isn't even stating that the there will definitely be affairs. Its a helpful insight to help prevent those thoughts. If you just look at the top 5 needs of the woman, and the top 5 needs of the man and think they fit both you and your spouse, then this book can help if you are having issues or had issues and trying to understand or move past them.
You also have to have the 'traditional' sense of family, which you most likely will if the needs fit with your needs.
His needs:............................Her needs:
1. Sexual fulfillment.................1. Affection

2. Recreational companionship.........2. Conversation

3. An attractive spouse...............3. Honesty and openness

4. Domestic support...................4. Financial support

5. Admiration.........................5. Family commitment

So even reading this list you can see its based on the very basic roles of man and woman. Just because there are so many women out there who want that dominating, equal, or independent life doesn't mean its ALL women. There are lots who still want to play the role of taking care of the family and husband and many men who want to be the provider and be taken care of. But both roles have to fit that situation in order for this book to be helpful.
That doesn't mean a two income family wont benefit from this at all. This means you might just have to adjust some of the needs. If you want to find helpful insights you will make and imply the helpful parts and hence it wont be a waste of money. There are no easy fixes or ways to make your marriage work. YOU have to make it work and if you feel you wasted your money then chances are you will continue wasting your money on other resources as well.
My husband and I both benefitted from this. 7 years into my marriage, my husband and I were not in a very happy place. This book made me understand why I started having feeling for another man, even when I logically knew I loved my husband and shouldn't stray. But I sure could have. Luckily I moved away before that went any where, but had I stayed, I know I could have. My husband strayed once as well....at that point is when I got this book, because I KNEW it just wasn't him. Basically he was missing two or three of his needs and I was missing three, but the point is if you know the needs and can understand how you can fill them, you avoid the possibility of straying or even the want of it.
I really hope this helps someone. Even if only one!(my husband and I have been together 21yrs now since 1992 in high school, married in 1994)
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59 of 66 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Solid book but sometimes extreme, April 24, 2012
This review is from: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Hardcover)
His Needs Her Needs is a book that was recommended to me by a pastor. I did not know what to expect from the book but found a lot of the contend helpful.

The entire premise is that you need to safeguard your marriage from an affair. Harley argues that the best way to do this is for each spouse to meet the five essential needs of their partner. He also accurately points out the the top five needs of men are quite different from the top five needs of women. From the conflict my wife and I have had in the past I agree that the needs of husbands and wives are different and I would also agree with Harley's assessment of what the top five needs of women are. I'm not so sure his top five needs of men thesis is air tight.

Much of what he has to say is also based on his self-created premise of the idea of "Love Bank." He says that the reason people love each other is because throughout the course of dating and knowing each other they begin to meet some of each others needs, therefore making "deposits" into each others love bank. We then carry around a balance of love points for each other than are our main source in determining how we feel about our partner (or anyone else for that matter). I think there are things to learn from this theory but I do not believe it is as foundational or all-explaining as the author assumes. He makes the claim that even in long periods of absence our love banks for the most part remain at the balance they were when we were last with the other person. I don't think such is always the case.

The book's outline rotates between the needs of men and the needs of women with each chapter rotating between the two partners and addressing a specific need. Each chapter then ends with a set of questions addressed to the men, a set addressed to the women, and a set for the couple to answer together. This makes the book a great source to read with your partner. The book also has three appendixes with helpful resources such as an interests survey. This helped my wife and I identify some new activities we want to try together. I think he then goes a little to the extreme when he suggests a partner never participate in an activity in which their spouse does not also enjoy and would not participate with them.

A lot of the principles Harley gives are based off real experiences he has seen from counseling many troubled couples. Though he speaks of specific cases I think most married people could identify in part with many of these stories. He speaks with authority and care as well as being very level headed when discussing marital problems and affairs. The final chapters are a guide to dealing with an affair and though that is not my situation I will certainly keep the book on file for use if that situation should ever occur with someone I know.

I would recommend this book to pretty much every married couple as I think there are enough common issues dealt with that every couple can draw something from it.
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17 of 18 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Bought this 17 years into our marriage, loved it., May 16, 2013
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Perhaps I would have ignored this advice long ago, but I wish I would have at least known about it to ignore it when I first got married. The biggest shocker; my wife values communication above everything else. That's ridiculous and hard to grasp, but I'm glad I finally know. There are some things in here that both her and I disagree with, but like everything take with a grain of salt.
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27 of 32 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing Book! Invaluable for Pre-engaged Couples, October 24, 2011
We read this book together before we got engaged, and the way it promotes honesty and awareness of eachother has played a huge part in the success of our relationship and marriage. When I bought it I was impressed by the high sales number and thought it would make a good choice out of sooooo many marriage and relationship books. We are so glad we picked this one; I don't think our relationship would be half as strong without using what we learned here.

The "on your word" recomendation has brought us to a truthful and loving understanding on more occasions than I can count. Contrary to a review about becoming a Stepford Wife, this book helps you be transparent in a loving way and avoid hidden unhappiness. It teaches how to built healthy activity habits that will bring and keep you together....And IT WORKS!

We give it with wedding gifts. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If you are on the fence, remember it is probably cheaper than one copay to see a therapist! This book will teach you why and how to set healthy patterns for your relationship, and is a great way to a fantastic long-lasting start.
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35 of 43 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic Book, May 8, 2012
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GatoRat (United States) - See all my reviews
This review is from: His Needs, Her Needs (Paperback)
The value of this book is the questionnaire. Reading the book helps you understand the typical (though by no means ALL) men and women and helps put the topics of the questionnaire in context. Limiting yourself and your partner to the needs listed, even if you don't entirely agree with them, gets you both on the same page and becomes a catalyst for honest discussion. Even discussing HOW you disagree with a specific need is revealing (startlingly so for me.)

My only real complaint is that several of the anecdotes the author uses are absurd and others are just pointless. Were it up to me, I'd edit the book down by at least a third. I've suggested to others to read the first few pages of each chapter to understand what is meant by each need, skip the stories, and then fill out the questionnaire twice. First go through it as fast as you can, wait a day, read what you wrote, throw it away, do a lot of thinking then do the questionnaire again (it's available online as a PDF.) I suggest NOT using custom needs; they tend to be trivial, lack a mutual context and end up leading you back to the he said/she said arguments where a lot is said and nothing understood, let alone resolved.

On a personal note, this book didn't save my marriage, but did save me. It helped me understand myself in ways nothing else had. It helped me understand that my needs weren't selfish, ways I wasn't being the best husband and how dysfunctional my marriage had become. It helped with post divorce counseling due largely to what my ex and I had revealed in the questionnaires and subsequent discussions. Most importantly, without understanding my needs, I probably would have charged into a new relationship just as destructive as the one I'd left.

During counseling while still married, the most surprising thing was when my then wife conceded that I was satisfying all her top five needs, though I needed improvement in a few, but then adamantly refused to admit that some of my top needs were even legitimate, until the counselor pushed her, and then she insisted I'd just have to accept that I wouldn't have some of my needs met. Ever. It may sound weird, but after all our arguments and attempts to fix our marriage, to have our differences laid out so plain was refreshing.
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13 of 14 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars His needs Her Needs, May 16, 2013
This review is from: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Hardcover)
Been married 40 years. Life coach suggested reading this. Probably most worthwhile book ever read, wife thinks so too. Just the documented facts
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9 of 9 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars a must for any marriage, May 15, 2013
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This review is from: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Hardcover)
it doesn't matter if you're having "issues" in your marriage or not. We're only in a few chapters and we are experiencing growth as a couple. You cannot have only one of you reading it however. You must both commit to this together.
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8 of 9 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars This book Saved our Marriage, March 12, 2012
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This review is from: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Hardcover)
We are both in our 60's and have been married for about 1 1/2 yrs. He's a widower and I was divorced. We had both been married before for over 30 yrs, so we thought we knew what to look for, what to lookout for and how to be successful as husband and wife. But a little over a year into the marriage, as the honeymoon period wore off, things changed. I was ready to leave when a friend suggested this book, His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley. We started reading it, and it described us to a tee! We took turns reading a chapter a day, out loud to each other and discused the parts that were of particular concern to each of us. And slowly things started to improve! We kept it up and followed his advice. Then we got his other book Love Busters and started reading it. And it too is amazing! I could see how the behavior I exhibited in my first marriage led to divorce after 30 yrs, and how both my 2nd husband and I were behaving in a way that would lead us in the same direction. We stopped that behavior and started behaving like Harley suggests. And it's working! We are now back on the road to being in love again and I can see how it will continue and grow! I am so happy!!!! Get this book. It is truly a lifesaver!
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8 of 10 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Keep your "Love Bank" account in the black, and prevent cheating, September 10, 2012
This review is from: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (Hardcover)
In his years of providing marriage counseling, the author has identified a list of 10 needs that includes those of every spouse he has ever counseled: "admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment." Every spouse has their own set of top needs. Often, spouses' top needs are different. (The book actually has a very helpful chapter at the back to help determine which needs predominate.) Meeting these needs is essential to building a strong marriage, and a strong defense against infidelity. Conversely, when any one or more of a spouse's needs are not met, a doorway is opened to adultery.

The metaphor the author uses for understanding whether spouses' individual needs are met or unmet -- and therefore whether or not the marriage is at risk for an affair, is the "Love Bank." Every interaction with any person leaves us feeling either better or worse. When we've been made to feel better, we've received a "deposit" in our Love Bank. When we feel worse, that indicates a "withdrawal." We are also constantly making either deposits or withdrawals with the Love Banks of the people in our lives. This occurs in every relationship -- from strangers met only once, to our spouses. Both spouses keeping a "positive balance" in each others Love Bank is an important key to preventing an affair.

The book begins with a general introduction to the idea of "meeting needs" being the core of preventing affairs. It then goes on to describe the Love Bank, and the importance of maintaining a "positive balance." In the subsequent chapters, the author dives into describing the nature and importance of various needs, alternating between husbands' and wives' top needs. Each chapter ends with a helpful series of questions designed to help understand the needs -- both one's own needs, and the spouse's.

His Needs Her Needs has a companion book, Love Busters, about breaking the habits that wreck marriage. There's also a workbook. These are targeted at couples committed to improving their marriage together. If only one spouse is ready to do the work, a book like Olsen and Stephen's The Couple's Survival Workbook may be in order. While drawing on the Love Bank concept, it focuses on the improvement in a marriage that one spouse can create individually.
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3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent to Read While Dating, too!, March 20, 2013
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Let me start by stating that I am a divorced woman, not because of an affair, but due to an unfortunate combination of accident and mental illness that befell my former husband. Prior to the incidents, our marriage was great, so I considered myself to be an expert on how to have a successful marriage, since it wasn't for any of the "usual" reasons that we divorced. My first experience with dating after marriage made me realize that even if I know what it theoretically takes to make a marriage work, I had very little knowledge about how to find the right partner.

So, why would I read a book like this in my situation? Because my sister told me to! Okay, maybe that's a silly reason, but it really does come down to it. On the advice of a friend, she read this book and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura just before she met, dated, and then married her husband. She recommended them to me because they helped her to have the right mindset of how to handle the balance of "his needs" and "her needs" that comes up in any relationship. She was able to make sure that she recognized and met his needs, and then communicated to him what her needs were.

After reading this book, I agree with her that it is a great book to read for anyone who wants to be in a relationship and to make it work. Knowing and respecting what is important to one's partner is essential, especially because so often men and women have different needs. Having this knowledge of these needs is incredibly helpful as I venture out into the dating world again, because it helps me to have a great framework to build my evaluation of potential partners from. I'm currently in a relationship, and it has definitely helped me to keep perspective. These concepts will be helpful in marriage, but they are also helpful before the marriage happens.

It's a great book, and an interesting read with great information.
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His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley (Hardcover - February 1, 2011)
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