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12 of 14 people found the following review helpful
on March 25, 2004
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase
A couple facts:
I am not a Christian.
I DID read the entire book. (unlike some of the other people who have given it a review)
Why do you seek out a partner in life? Because you have basic needs and wants that cannot be met without someone else. This book gives advice on those needs and wants of a man and a woman in a relationship and how to meet them.
I highly recommend this book. It can be read in less than a week and will give advice that can last a lifetime.
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
on November 19, 2008
Format: Hardcover
I read this book in conjunction with an 8-week class my wife and I joined because we were having a tough time. Now that the class is over, I am totally amazed at the positive impact the book had on our 23-year marriage.

The book defines three stages that married partners move through: intimacy, conflict and withdrawal. I was firmly in withdrawal when I started the class. And after the first session, I was unconvinced that the book would do us any good. But we hung in there, and we both learned so much! I was deeply resenting my wife because I was doing all I could to please her, and felt like she was not reciprocating. As it turns out, the things I was working so hard on were very important to me, but not to her. And she was doing the same thing to me-- trying to show me love by doing things that were important to her, but not to me.

Once we understood what each other's needs were, it was really pretty simple to meet them, and move from withdrawal back to intimacy. The book provided a very helpful framework within which we could discuss our relationship without both getting angry and retreating to our separate corners.

For me, it was extremely helpful to read this book as part of a class. The class gave us encouragement, deadlines and a sense of accountablity that we absolutely would not have had on our own. One couple in our class said that the eight-week class had been way more helpful than 11 months of marriage counseling (not to mention far less expensive!)

The book and class really turned our relationship around. I wish we had done them decades ago. More info on the class is avaiable at the Family Dynamics website, [...]
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
on August 20, 2009
Verified Purchase
I believe if you want to get married or are already married you will benefit from this book. This may also help you understand yourself if you are single and plan to stay that way. It provides a road map that changes with the couple. He does not say every couple is a certain way, he gives 10 basic needs, helps you to figure out what yours are and how your spouse can fulfill those needs and vice verse. The book does that and so much more. The book is short and to the point. I don't know why the book has some negative reviews and some are very unfair and not representative of the book.
Men and women will get what they want from their spouse if they follow the books guidance.
This book can probably save any marriage provided both couples will read the book.
If you feel lost or never want to feel lost in your marriage, this is the book for you to start with.
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5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
on October 18, 2007
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase
I am a minister. Over the last six years I have presented "His Needs, Her Needs" to over 15 couples, prior to marriage. Some were young, first time marriage couples, many were divorced and embarking on their second marriages. Every couple has commented on the value of the information & advice contained in this book. Several of the couples found the counsel to be so important to the success of their current marriages that they have referred others to me. This book should be read and the chapter exercises completed, by every couple intent on marriage, as well as every married couple (no matter how long) who wish to develop a deeper, true loving, caring partnership.
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143 of 195 people found the following review helpful
on March 5, 1999
Format: Hardcover
During the early part of the book, I was pretty impressed with Mr. Harley's insights. As I continued, however, I became dismayed at some of his advice. While I understand that his assessments don't apply to everyone, I was appalled to read his recommendation for women to be willing to consider plastic surgery if it pleased their husbands. The list goes on: In one particular case, he advised a male patient that his love for a woman couldn't be real, since she was overweight, homely and had six kids. He appeared to agree with a husband who told his wife that, if she didn't lose weight, he would divorce her. What is this, the Jerry Springer Show?!? The clear message throughout this chapter was clear: Better keep wearing the makeup, ladies, or your husband is going to find someone who does! What a shallow, childish, unprofessional message for an experienced counselor to give to people!
In one chapter, he told men that their working wives want to be able to pay bills with his income, and keep theirs for spending money -- if they have to use their income for bills, they don't feel "taken care of" and resent their husband. He also stated that the wives who work don't want to. Therefore, he recommended that couples cut back on their lifestyle, regardless of their dual income, so that they could live on one income. In one scenario, he even outlined a plan where a couple could pay rent and utilities with $200 a month!
Finally, I was annoyed by how he focuses entirely on the avoidance of affairs in his book. While I understand that many marriages have to contend with this issue at one time or another, I was hoping that the book would focus on how to maintain a healthy marriage for a variety of reasons, INCLUDING the avoidance of affairs. I don't want to keep my husband happy simply so that he won't sleep with other women, but because I care about him, want him to care about me too, and want to have a fulfilling and close relationship with him.
I bought this book because my husband and I are having a great deal of problems communicating. We've been together for 10 years, and neither of us have ever strayed despite many problems. While that doesn't guarantee that we won't cheat, I was hoping to find a book that helps me find something positive in my relationship, not merely avoid something negative. By perpetuating the insecurities that many women have concerning their looks, and encouraging women to be financially dependent on men in an age where couples are learning to depend on each other and move away from sexist stereotypes, he is moving the institution of marriage backwards, to a day where more people may have stayed married, but it was because they felt trapped (financially or otherwise), or felt as if they didn't have many options.
Today, many people don't want a marriage from the "good old days." We want a modern marriage that works, while still respecting that woman don't have to be housewives who run into the bathroom at 4:30 p.m. to curl her hair before her husband comes home. I want a marriage where I look nice because I enjoy it, not because I have to, and where my husband won't leave me if I put on 20 lbs. Get real, Mr. Harley!!
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
Format: Hardcover
While the principle concepts presented in this book may seem rather obvious (men and women have different needs that should be met for a successful marriage), there is still much value to be gained from reading it. Harley does an excellent job of outlining and explaining the differences in "most important needs" for both men and women in a way that will help the opposite gender better understand those needs. This would be a valuable book for anyone interested in having a serious relationship with the opposite sex as well as anyone already involved in a relationship (married or not).

His basic premise is that every person has certain needs that they look for a partner to meet. When a person meets those needs they build up credits in their "love bank" until some point at which they feel that they need or love that person. When a spouse fails to meet their partner's most important needs, their partner will look to have those needs met elsewhere and many times an affair ensues. So, to prevent an affair from ravishing your relationship, pay attention to meet all of your partner's needs and make it clear to them what your needs are so that they may be met as well. In this way Harley places some of the blame for affairs on the cheated-on spouse. They must not have been meeting their partner's needs for them to seek out companionship elsewhere. While I'm sure that not all affairs occur because of this, Harley claims that in the vast majority of cases, his premise holds true.

His experience as a long-time marriage counselor provides Harley with a particularly well-rounded and thorough perspective on the most common problems in marriages and the root causes of those problems. He tells it like he sees it, and doesn't shy from coming off as discriminatory towards one sex or the other. The way he asks women or men who have been cheated on to look at themselves and discover in what ways they failed to meet their significant other's needs may upset some people.

This book looks at relationships in a rather unique way that will help couples better understand each other and each others' needs. At marriage, both partners feel that their needs are being met and expect them to continue to be met afterwards. If they are not, they do not feel content and affairs frequently follow. I highly recommend this book to everybody interested in learning more about yourself, the opposite sex, and about how successful relationships should work.
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
on June 18, 2007
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase
I've long thought that the key to any type of relationship is having realistic expectations. The reason we are often unhappy with a person is that they do not meet our expectations. Too many times we have expectations of what our partner should/shouldn't do, and they have no idea.

Harley presents a practical, realistic guide for couples to dicover their own needs and then share them with each other. That knowledge alone should help many marriages. He next explains the needs in greater detail, and gives scenarios for what may/may not happen if a particular need isn't met. Harley also explains how the needs are related to one another and ignoring one leads to a domino effect.

I've been in a relationship with my fiance for 3 1/2 years and am marrying him in about a month. I thought this was a great book for us, and even though I didn't have him sit down and read it through, I asked many of the questions randomly in conversation. Although I already knew a lot about him, this book caused me to stop and really think about what he needed vs. what I was providing. Most were common sense ideas, but there were a couple that I wouldn't have ever thought about, but found them to be very true.

For some couples, this may be a great eye opener, for others a good reminder, that in order to make a relationship work, you have to know what your partner needs and be willing to provide that.

I recommend the book for new couples and old, for those who want to strengthen a good relationship and those who want to save a faltering one.
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10 of 12 people found the following review helpful
on March 23, 2004
Format: Hardcover
My husband and I read this book a number of years ago, and it has been invaluable in our own marriage as well as in friends marriages. We have given away many copies to friends who are struggling in their relationships, AND to newly married couples. Also, we teach a Marriage Workshop at our church, and this book is required reading. ( By the way, our church is one of the largest, Bible believing, Bible teaching, Christ centered churches in San Diego. ) Because we believe whole-heartedly in what this book has to say, we purchased 5 copies to keep on hand for when each of our 5 children decide to get married. This is a GREAT resource. No marriage should be without it!
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4 of 4 people found the following review helpful
on November 15, 2009
Format: HardcoverVerified Purchase
This book is incredible. My pastor recommended it to my husband and I when we first got married amongst other books. This one was the only one that we find ourselves incorporating into our everyday life. I try to read it every year, and each time I do, I realize I've fallen off course with where I want my marriage to be, and this book rejuvenates me and my husband both. It brings us back to basics and helps us to stop and question how committed we are to making each other happy. Our marriage isn't and never will be perfect, but reading this book makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, a feeling like nothing else. It really makes it seem so easy to make your marriage work, and gets you excited about what the future holds when you try to meet your spouses most important needs. Another surprising thing, was how this book seemed to make it entirely clear to me why my parents marriage failed. Everything I watched happen over 20 years with them suddenly made sense, and it made me see how preventable it could've been. I later had my Mom herself read the book to see if it would give her some kind of answers to what happened to her marriage, and she read the entire book in one night, and said if she ever thought about getting married again she would ask her future husband to read this book with her once a year just like me and my husband do. She seemed to get some kind of comfort in this book, as if it answered all her burning questions from her failed marriage. Any book that could do that... should be considered THE handbook for marriage.
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful
on March 9, 1999
Format: Hardcover
Unfortunately the reader from Connecticut skimmed the book to read the parts that he/she found to be interesting. I found this book to be the best resource in understanding how relationships work. Dr. Harley has really hit the nail on the head...like it or not. By understanding DR. Harley's concept of the Love Bank, you quickly discover that you possess the ability to give your spouse a reason to be attracted to you. Conversely, you also have the ability to give your spouse a reason NOT to be attracted to you. YOUR CHOICE. My spouse and I are choosing to do all we can to meet each other's needs. Why? Because it works...at least it is working for us. Excellent book! A MUST HAVE!!
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