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His Needs Her Needs Unknown Binding – 2000

420 customer reviews

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Product Details

  • Unknown Binding
  • Publisher: Fleming H Revell Company (2000)
  • ASIN: B003FZ6N1C
  • Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (420 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #11,363,688 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. He is best known as the author of His Needs, Her Needs; Love Busters; Five Steps to Romantic Love; and Give and Take.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

194 of 208 people found the following review helpful By David R. Bess VINE VOICE on May 11, 2002
Format: Hardcover
After 15 years, Harley's work is as profound now as it was when first published. Harley has revised his book in various places, updating it based upon lessons learned since the previous edition and making it applicable to marital challenges of the 21st century. His concepts are powerful and practical. While written by a conservative Christian author, these principles are applicable to persons regardless of their religious background.
Harley's approach to "affair-proofing" a marriage centers on a concept he labels "the love bank." Every husband and wife has a love bank that encounters both deposits and withdrawals from the opposite sex. A crucial distinction is made, however, in that deposits and withdrawals are made differently with men than they are with women. These differences are based upon the ten most felt needs of a relationship with the opposite gender. Husbands, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, an attractive spouse, domestic support, and admiration. Wives, in general, place the highest importance on the following five needs: affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support, and family commitment. Both genders express need for all ten items, but typically husbands and wives have contrasting priorities.
According to Harley, when an individual meets one or more of the partner's greatest felt needs, deposits are made into the partner's love bank. When one or more needs are not met, withdrawals are made from the partner's love bank. An affair occurs when a spouse finds fulfillment for a strongly felt need elsewhere because it is not being met satisfactorily within the marriage.
Harley's love bank concept is the centerpiece of his best-selling work.
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138 of 150 people found the following review helpful By John Hazucha on November 21, 2002
Format: Hardcover
This is a GREAT book for those of you who love their spouse, but are not "In Love", those whose marraige is a little flat, but can't figure out why, those who have fallen "out of love" with their spouse and think that is "normal" in marriage, those who have taken the "divide and conquer" approach to family responsibilities and therefore have little time together, and those who are slowly drifting apart because their interests are different. Harley clearly shows us how to care for our spouses in ways that make them feel loved, and how to get to an "In Love" state that can last. It gave me the practical tools I needed to stop wasting energy trying to do things for my wife that she didn't really appreciate anyway, and re-direct my energy into things that mattered. It did the same for her.
That said, the book is not perfect.
By reading the other reviews here at Amazon.com, it is obvious that one of Harley's main points in this book can be missed by its readers. Apparently, people can read this book and miss Harley's statements that although the needs presented as "women's needs" are typical of women, and the needs presented as "mens needs" are typical of men, EACH PERSON IS DIFFERENT, so you should fill out the questionaire at the end of the book and figure out how this applies to you. Most people have at least one need that is "typical" of the other sex. My wife and I are pretty far from typical, so it probably helped that we took the questionaire BEFORE reading the book. I admit that the stereotypical way the needs are described is irritating.
I also agree that it can be read in a way that puts your spouse where God should be in your life. I don't think that is what the author says or means.
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100 of 114 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on August 12, 1999
Format: Hardcover
This book is excellent and is a must-read for anyone contemplating marriage, having marital trouble, or happily married wanting things to be even more perfect. The previous reviewer may have taken the "needs" too literally. Dr. Harley mentions 5 of the "top" needs, but it is not the same for everyone. As a matter of fact, in my marriage, I have a few of the "male" needs, and my husband has a few of the "female" needs. But it works for us.
We were literally on the brink of divorce - only needed to get a lawyer. This book totally changed our thinking. We thought we were meeting each other's needs, but we were really meeting our "own" needs, which are rarely applicable to the spouse. We learned so much from this book, and now give it out as wedding presents to hopefully spare couples from the trouble we experienced.
I *highly* recommend this book, and don't know what we would have done without this information. We periodically read it again for a refresher course - and it always works wonders. I have read the John Gray books, but found this book to be the most helpful for us. Our marriage is fabulous now!
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88 of 102 people found the following review helpful By Gontroppo on November 20, 2003
Format: Hardcover
This is a good book for couples to read and discuss: you may not agree with it, but it is a good discussion starter.
The marriage counsellor author claims to have found 10 basic needs people have and has sorted them into the top 5 for men and top 5 for women.
My wife and I are certainly not your average couple, if his list is really reliable.
His list of the top emotional needs is:
1. Affection
2. Sexual Fulfilment
3. Conversation
4. Recreational Companionship
5. Honesty and Openness
6. An Attractive Spouse
7. Financial Support
8. Domestic Support [= help with household duties]
9. Family Commitment [= help with child-rearing]
10. Admiration
He points out that a man's top need might be his wife's eighth need. It is important to her, but not nearly as important as it is to him. And vice versa, of course.
Reading the book has made me reflect on how well I meet my wife's needs. This can only be a good thing.
I knocked off a star, because the book is marketed in Christian bookstores, but is hardly a Christian book. But I highly recommend reading and reflecting on what he has to say.
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