Customer Reviews

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

5 star:		(68)
4 star:		(8)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Hold Me Tight teaches couples how to hear their partner's deepest concerns, "are you there for me", "am I really important to you", "is our relationship secure and solid" when those concerns are expressed through criticism or content. It reminds partner's that all communications are attempts to connect, no matter how badly delivered. In this way, Susan Johnson teaches couples to read below the surface of a complaint down to the attachment need being expressed underneath. When attachment needs can be faced and processed directly, couples feel closer. Johnson offers couples in couples counseling an adjunctive support system in addition to the therapy hour. Hold Me Tight is also an excellent resource for couples working things out on their own. It provides a clear and solid guideline for repairing hurt and restoring connection. I am recommending it to the couples in my practice, and the reports coming back about how helpful and transformative Johnson's approach is have been glowing!

I've read all the relationship books, even the ones by the authors whose quotes appear on this cover, and I can say with complete conviction that this is by far the best of the lot. Dr. Sue Johnson's warm, authoritative, and reassuring tone sets the stage for a whole lot of incredibly useful advice. The book gives you a new way to view your relationship and the tools to improve it, whether it needs improving or not! Her form of couples therapy is apparently one of the very few to be proven to work, and that's really the bottom line. Do yourself and your partner a big favor and buy this book! I highly recommend it.

I would recommend anything Dr. Johnson writes as her emphasis on emotions and attachment is the best theoretical standard so far. Though this book is written for the public, I think it is a bit long winded in places and not clear enough in others. Some of the theory of attachment for adults and cases illustrations need beefing up: more examples as to how attachment problems evidence themselves in marriages and secondly, longer case presentations to give you a more complete feel of the application and techniques.

The best book to give couples in or out of therapy is John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert (Paperback). It is well organized, reader friendly, and a great teaching aide to couples therpy. It is itself a class in what makes marriages work.

This, together with Gottman's book, is an attempt to deliver an objective and clear guide to resolving relationship difficulties and/or strengthening them. This book (unlike Gottman's) is rooted in attachment theory, which is probably the closest thing to a scientifically based approach to human relationships, or at least there's a biological and evolutionary framework for understanding our emotional needs in relationships. The need for this objective foundation for understanding relationships is pretty obvious when you begin to read through the literature; most of it is vague, superficial or embarrassingly facile. This book attempts to tether its approach to something concrete and verified: we need to be and to feel securely connected to our mates and this need is confirmed in all sorts of ways, both with scientific studies and in anecdotal and clinical settings.

The problem is: what exactly is a secure attachment? When Sue Johnson presents case studies, the answer is something like: partner's need to reaffirm there basic desire and need for a secure attachment. This is done by saying things like: I really need to feel connected, loved, appreciated, valued and desired by you. Relationships flourish when these connected feelings are expressed and reaffirmed. But when you get down to nuts and bolts what behavior exactly, both verbal and physical, constitutes an expression of attachment? And here I think this book fairs about as well as any other.

The fact is that the ways that people can express and feel attached to each is about as varied as all the forms of expression that are available to human beings. So, when reading through these specific cases, I find it hard to identify what exactly it is in the expressions or attitudes of her clients that might work for others (or mostly me). It again seems very vague and general, though in principle right. This leaves this reader wonder why loving another human being should be thought to be so simple as reaffirming our basic biological need for a secure attachment. It seems to me that all the incredible varieties of expressions of love show that it is not so simple. Maybe I'm a skeptic or a cynic, but this seems like another imperfect attempt in the mountain of attempts to understand how to love another human being.... And worth reading!

There is no end to the relationship books out there, but this one is definitely different. Dr. Johnson gives us the science behind the feeling and then helps us unravel how we get stuck in aloneness and fear. Being in a loving relationship should not feel so separate. Our fast paced,independent and competitive based society leads us into developing entitlement that heightens our sense of being hurt and abandoned. Then self-perpetuating interlocking loops of pursue and defend; demand and withdraw separate us even more from the one we long to feel safe and close to. Thank you Sue Johnson, for publishing the map that guides us through this maze of confused emotions. Thank you from all my clients, my family and myself. Each of my married children have received gifts of this book. I keep mine close at hand. My husband thanks you, too. T. Livingston. MFT

The problem with therapy and relationship books is that they are all the equivalent of medieval "medicine." There is no science, no data-driven outcomes, no predictive hypothesis testing and hence no real progress. Every practitioner has their own set of nostrums, some helpful and some absurd, just like every witch-doctor has his own set of feathers and fetish items. Step forward Sue Johnson. Although she has taken only baby-steps towards a true scientific model of attachment relationships, it's welcome progress indeed. Unlike the vast majority of her peers, she grasps that our behaviors have been fashioned by selection pressure over the millennia. She looks for why such behaviors should have adaptive value, and this enables her to side-step the mumbo-jumbo of co-dependence, inappropriate behavior, etc. and get right to the heart of what seems to be going on between couples when their relationship is in trouble.

For people who want confirmation that their partner is "too clingy" or "too cold" or whatever, this is not the book for you. Nor is it a "why you should be strong and suck it up" book. It is about our basic needs, our need for at least one other adult human being to be there for us when we need it. It is about why we're wired up to be that way, what kinds of behaviors result from this hard-wiring, how things can go wrong, and how things can be fixed. At the heart of the book is Johnson's vision of us as all needing at least one refuge, one place of safety and support in an otherwise indifferent and cold universe. Unfortunately, for most people, marriage or an equivalent domestic relationship fails to provide this refuge because we keep misunderstanding our partner's needs and impulses - and very often we misunderstand our own too.

Johnson recognizes the futility of trying to change communication patterns or patterns of surface behavior when the fundamentals remain unaddressed. She walks the reader through the stages of self-understanding and then partner-understanding. She uses simplified examples from her own case histories (sometimes rather too glib) to demonstrate behavior patterns and how they can be modified and improved so that both parties can get closer to the heart of the matter.

Eventually, we'll arrive at a soundly-based science of interpersonal behavior that uses mathematical models to (i) elucidate, and (ii) predict our behaviors, at which point we'll have the possibility of truly effective therapy and also understand the fundamental limits of therapy. After all, there are plenty of things in this world that can't be fixed no matter how hard one might try. But until that day arrives, Johnson's book is a welcome precursor and a valuable tool for anyone who cares about their relationships and hopes to find a true loving refuge in which lasting love can be recrafted every day.

Touching, helpful, heart-warming and practical, Dr. Johnson has at last put words to the latest research into happy marriages for the average person. Reading it is not intellectual: each time I pick up this book I feel like I could not only understand my spouse's behavior in a deeper way, but also my own.

I can't recommend this book enough. I read the first few chapters, bought three more copies (one for my spouse), and gave the other two to friends who were in stressful moments with their own spouses. One couple now reads from the book to one another each night, and (like I did) recommended it to two other couples before they got through the first 3 chapters. The other couple bought a 2nd copy so that they could each have it available to them every day, and are now each avidly reading on their morning commutes.

In short, readers seem to find Dr. Johnson's book incredibly helpful, almost immediately. Dr. Johnson's clear, from-the-heart style seems immediately comprehensible to anyone who has ever been in love, or wanted to be. And rest of the book was even better than the beginning.

You know you've got a winner when you give a book to two friends, who each immediately give it to their two friends, and so on. Don't suffer needlessly: give this one a try for under $20!

I have been a couples therapist for thirty years and have wanted a book I could recommend to couples to help guide their recovery. Here is a book for couples that I can recommend without reservation. Hold Me Tight is intelligent, insightful and helps couples get to the core issues of their relationship.

Susan Johnson gets right to the heart of the matter when she tells us that accessibility, responsiveness and engagement in the emotional bond are most important to a couple's happiness and satisfaction. Attachment theory is her guide in understanding how partners love and why they fight. She explains that we are wired in for connection; we seek it, we flourish when we have it, we suffer when we don't have it, we fight for it when it is pulled away and we grieve when it is gone. From years of working with couples and conducting research studies on what actually helps couples recover, Susan Johnson has designed a program of discovery and growth to help couples develop stronger bonds. Through her seven conversations, she guides couples through understanding and untangling their negative cycles of interaction, exploring and expressing underlying emotions and pain, and helping couples create new, confiding dialogues. Hold Me Tight offers couples sound and research-proven ways to understand their distress and sets them on a path to recovery.

In addition to being immensely helpful to couples, Hold Me Tight is an entertaining and enjoyable read. It is a book that all couples - and all people who want to be part of a couple - should read.

Susan Johnson is a brilliant clinician, researcher and teacher and all three show through in her book. Thank you, Susan Johnson, for your remarkable book. Douglas Tilley

My wife and I used to fight like cats and dogs (and she is born in the Year of the Dog). At one long drawn out stage, it seemed an unspoken understanding between us that this was the nature of our relationship and we were resigned to it - some highs and many unsettling lows. Then I read 'Bonds That Make Us Free: Healing Our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves' by Terry Warner. That's one brilliant book - it changed a lot for me, not only how I perceived my relationship with her, but also with my kids.

Hold Me Tight illuminates for me more clearly how changing myself in relation to her dramatically changed our relationship. I needed to be more Accessible, Responsive and better Engage (I'm not going to spoil it for you or the author - you do need to read the book to get a good feel of what she means by each). Reading this book on it's own is plenty good, though I strongly recommend you read Bonds That Make Us Free as well.

My wife doesn't do personal growth books (or non-fiction in general) and didn't read either. The most interesting part is how her responses towards me changed, without any direction on my part i.e. I didn't tell or explain any of the theory or mechanics to her. She was simply reacting to my new ways of interacting with her, as if we'd started dancing to a much better, in-synched set of steps. Now it seems like we're doing almost all ups or plateaus, hardly any down time. Very nice.

Cas, author of Cassius Cheong's Positively Quit Manual

The husband read the book -- said that he and his wife had tried,
unsuccessfully, a lot of couples therapy, and thought EFT might be the
answer. At the first session, the wife had Hold Me Tight peeking out of
her purse. She said, "Sue Johnson must have read my diary." He said he was worried. "It looks worse because she's gone into the next stage -- she's stopped complaining." With very little prompting from me, the two then proceeded to let me know their negative dance. "The second chapter really said it." "We poke each other's raw spots." They delved into their attachment injury which happened "a week after we got married, years ago, and part of our communication ever since." They continued to work at the heart of it for the rest of the hour as if they'd been working this way for many sessions. As a couples therapist, I got the power of this book to accelerate the work in a way that I had not experienced before!