Customer Reviews

Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Matter

5 star:		(54)
4 star:		(6)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(4)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

I've never seen this book's ideas put quite this way before, nor explained so thoroughly. Its time has definitely come.

Neufeld and his wife Joy have at least five children (he sprinkles their names through the book - he never adds them up for us) and he's had what sounds like a distinguished career first treating juvenile offenders, and then moving into family counseling. The overarching theme of the book is ATTACHMENT. To whom are your children more attached? Are they attached to you, their parents, and other adults? Or are they attached to their peers? To whom do they look for guidance? Whose star have they hitched their little wagons to? If children look to adults for guidance, in Neufeld's terminology they are "parent-oriented". If they reject adults in favor of their peers, they are "peer-oriented".

This book explained to me how the relationship between parents (all adults, really) and children has changed in the larger culture. This cultural change has made it difficult to talk to my parents and in-laws about our decision to homeschool. (Neufeld isn't necessarily pro-homeschool - he's pro-adult attachments as opposed to peer attachments.) There have been times when I've been reduced to vague, indistinct clichés like, "Times have changed, so we're homeschooling." They've been too polite to say so, but I just know they're thinking, maybe times have changed, but children haven't, and so you're saying your children don't need regular school? Well, yes, that is what I'm saying, and this book explains why better than I can.

Neufeld spends a great deal of the book showing us how we've gone from a world where children used to be largely adult-oriented, to a world where everything in it, like day care for tiny children, longer school days, endless activities geared towards youths, and technology like cell phones and instant messaging, act like the Pied Piper, luring children away from adults and towards their peers. When children give the place in their hearts reserved for parents and parental figures to their peers - in other words, when they re-orient from adults to peers - they develop all sorts of neuroses that Neufeld describes for many chapters. These neuroses are so common, we've come to see them as normal childhood behavior. Often we think the results of peer-orientation are desirable, as shown in the following quote:

". . . (A)t least initially, peer-oriented children also tend to be more schoolable . . . . School takes children out of the home, separating parent-oriented children from the adults to whom they are attached. For such children the separation anxiety will be intense and the sense of disorientation at school will be acute . . . . (T)he elevated anxiety it provokes interferes with learning. Anxiety dumbs us down, lowering our functional I.Q. Being alarmed affects our ability to focus and to remember. Anxiety makes it difficult to read the cues and follow directions. A child simply cannot learn well when feeling lost and alarmed.

"Children already peer-oriented by the time they enter school do not face such a dilemma. In the first days of school in kindergarten, a peer-oriented child would appear smarter, more confident, and better able to benefit from the school experience. The parent-oriented child, impaired by separation anxiety would, by contrast, appear to be less adept and capable - at least until he can form a good attachment with a teacher. . . . (I)n the short term, peer orientation appears to be a godsend. And it is undoubtedly this dynamic that research taps into when discovering the benefits to early education.

"In the long term . . . the positive effects on learning of reduced anxiety and disorientation will gradually be canceled by the negative effects of peer orientation. Thus follows the research evidence that early advantages of preschool education are not sustainable over time. Peer-oriented kids go to school to be with their friends, not to learn. If these friends are also not into learning, academic performance will slip. When children go to school to be with one another, they are primed only to learn enough not to stand out, to remain with those their own age. Other than that, learning is irrelevant and can even be a liability to peer relationships." (236-7)

Stay with me for a shorter quote, just down the page from the above:

"Interestingly, home-schoolers are now the favored applicants of some big-name universities. According to Jon Reider, admissions official at Stanford University in California, they are desirable applicants because "home-schoolers bring certain skills - motivation, curiosity, the capacity to be responsible for their education - that high school don't induce very well." In other words, preschooled kids may have to best head start, but home-schooled kids have the best finish, because in our educational system we have neglected the crucial role of attachment." (237-8)

There's his favorite word - attachment - again. Which brings me to my only criticism of this book: I wish he'd written it in English, instead of social science. The book is full of nominalizations: "integrative functioning", "orienting void" (a/k/a "orientation void" - a twofer!), "individuation", "socialization". He does provide definitions and a glossary, but referring to it is distracting. This is a pretty minor quibble, however, and doesn't take away from the book's importance.

Bottom line: get a copy for anyone who spends a lot of time around children, because they need to know what they're up against. It's an emergency.

As an avid reader and a mom of 8 kids ages 0-18, I have read a ton of good parenting books, and this one is a new addition to my Top-5 list. It explains the foundational importance of attachment so clearly and also explains why there are so many troubled kids these days. This book give insights for all parents, working or not, whether your kids are 2 or 15, public-schooled or homeschooled, biological or adopted. To safeguard our kids, they need to be willing to value parental input *over* that from friends, and this books explains exactly how to keep them hearing us. I got this book from the library, but I am buying it so I can read it again and also loan it to all my friends and relatives. Dynamite.

I must say this book does stand on in that it presents a radically different view of parenting than most books I've read. It holds that the most important thing for kids is a very strong relationship with their parents, and that almost all of the woes of today's kids are caused by them being peer oriented instead of parent oriented. The authors make a very strong case for this being so. I was convinced by the time this part of the book was over. However, as with many books of this type, the section where we are told what to do about this problem is weaker. Most of the ideas would work best with a very young child that has not yet become peer oriented. If you already have a child who is rebellious and addicted to being with peers, I don't think that speaking to them kindly and looking them in the eyes is going to do much. The author gave an example with his own children of taking them away on a week's vacation with just the child and the parent. That sounds good, but I don't think his children had the severe problems of the other examples we are given.

The book also has the perspective of parents that are caring, kind, loving and have their childrens' best interests at heart. I know parents who read parenting books are more likely to fit this perspective, but I kept thinking that not all parents are that completely wonderful. I think many a child has been saved from a childhood that would otherwise be hellish BY their friends. The author also feels children's friendships are not really true friendships, that they are not mature enough to have true friendships. I respect their courage to say that peer relationships are not as important as we are always led to believe. But I do think that childhood friendships can be true ones. I know I still am very, very close with at least 3 of my friends from young childhood, and I can say looking back that our friendship was true from the start.

I don't mean to overly dispute the message in this book. I think it's an extremely well written and brave book, and I will be influenced by the ideas presented here very much. I just think it's like most ideas taken to the extreme---they fall apart a bit when this is the case. But I do want to thank the authors for presenting this view of parenting. It is going to play a part in my decision whether or not to homeschool my oldest child.

Definately worth a read!

Deserves more than 5 stars!!!!!!!! 1.) Firm yet gentle handling of the importance of parents' connectedness with their kids, no matter the age. 2.) Brazen in its confrontation with what's considered "normal" in our schools, kid culture, and households. 3.) Love the integration of research with the authors' professional and personal experiences. 4.) Practical solutions for a variety of parenting situations. 5.) Convincing in its arguments. 6.) Appropriately puts the responsibility of kids' maturity on the parent"s own emotional maturity (Hard to digest but so true, personally and professionally-speaking) 7.)The love and care the authors have for radically-improved relationship between adults and kids show in the layout, language, and arguments of the book. 8.) Solidifies my decision to continue to homeschool

This book explains the "why" of how teenagers often end up being so hostile to their parents-rolling the eyes, sullen looks on their faces, no joy in your presence, wanting to eat in their bedrooms, separation anxiety in being away from their peers which compels them to be on the phone or instant messenging all the time, and explains how to avoid this. The authors are honest about the harsh reality of all these behaviors found in peer-oriented kids and teenagers, which is that these kids truly have no desire to have a relationship with their parents anymore and no longer care. Hostility that appears to be so, truly is so, and is not just "typical adolescence." This behavior is far from anything natural as nature intended it. The authors tell how "peer-orientation" and kid "socialization" causes incessant teasing of good qualities out of kids, such as a love of learning, respect for their parents, love of classical music or any other eccentricity, due to compulsion to wanting to be the same in order to further promote attachment to peers. This is very damaging and can lead to lack of fulfillment of academic potential, sexual promiscuity, and general jadedness. This book is a must read for parents, and even for those people who are wondering how they got so emotionally hard and jaded in the first place (like myself).

I find this book a gem to be reread, on my shelf of how to in parenting/child mentoring books. I found the first half of the book to be a redundant mainly because I didn't relate to it personally, as my children aren't peer-attached because they are with me 24/7.

I have home schooled my children the past three years through a virtual school and have struggled with the instinctive socialization question every new acquaintance seems to associate with schooling at home. The author is neither anti nor pro home school, but he explains better than I can why so many parents are choosing to educate at home through various forms. He has a theory that makes a whole lot of sense.

The gem of this book is the last six chapters that give the how to in teaching the un-teachable, communicating with a disrespectful or frustrated child, discipline that doesn't divide us from our children, and how to nurture our children to maturity.

I have tested the how tos in this book on my own children and have found them to be not only effective but rewarding as well. I found the words from this book to be encouraging as a parent and adult in a world full of disrespectful children that are simply misunderstood.

I recommend this book to every parent and teacher/child mentor.

There is a lot to like and admire here, but I think there is also much that can be debated. I think the authors risk allienating the same group of parents they wish to target mainly because as they talk about recognizing the good intention in children, they don't seem to give parents the same benefit. I would suggest readers read this, and re-read this to sort out all of the questions it raises in the mind of a parent. I've heard both Nuefeld and Mate in interviews, check out Gordon's website for these, and they clarity a lot of things that simply don't come accross clearly in the book, this is such a big issue and they may simply have tried to accomplish too much in one book for my taste, part research, part sociological survey, part parenting advice. I also felt Mate's own views and words were clipped and I find much of his broad-picture analysis more helpful, encouraging than Neufeld's, but as the book is based mostly on Neufeld's work, Mate's ideas appear on the back burner. The notion of instict is also very curious and challenging, especially when saying that past generations have had more instict than parents today. Most parents reading books like this one do so to avoid the mistakes their parents made in those "good old days." Anything worth writing about is usually worth reading, and that makes this is a valuable text. In a next book, I would love to hear them share how early parenting practices can prevent later peer orientation.

Several years ago, my wife and I attended a seminar by Vancouver psychologist, Dr. Gordon Neufeld. It was one of those rare educational experiences that really altered the way we related to our children. The subject of that talk, "Hold on to Your Kids", is now expanded in this wonderful new book, co-authored with Vancouver MD, Gabor Maté.

The first two-thirds deal with a cultural malaise that the authors claim is sweeping North America, making both parenting and teaching more challenging. With a wealth of both cited research and personal stories, the authors tie together issues such as bullying, early promiscuity, general aimlessness, learning difficulties, and the "flatlining of culture".

Despite the usual association with peer concerns, this is not just a book for parents of teenagers. There is something here for every age group, from preschool through high school. It's also most assuredly not just a catalog of problems, but a well-developed thesis leading to the insight necessary for solutions. Several chapters in the final section would be worth the price alone. "Discipline That Does Not Divide" is an excellent parenting primer, while "Create a Village of Attachment" will help both parents and teachers ensure that their charges profit from their school experience.

We who attended Dr. Neufeld's seminars in Vancouver had been waiting several years to see his ideas in print. The book does not disappoint. I will be rereading mine many times in the coming years. And perhaps more to come from this master of parenting.

This is not a comprehensive review but I do want to give one example of how Dr. Neufeld changed our lives for the better.

About two or three years ago Dr. Neufeld did a weekend conference in my town. I was very fortunate to be able to go. Immediately after the conference I took away the "time out" chair on the advice of Neufeld and told my daughter that there would be no more "time outs" for her. We would use respectful words instead.

I was amazed at the improvements in her behavior when I stopped the alienating punishment. She quickly behaved much better. If you were to ask me how I discipline my daughter now I would say I really don't have to discipline her other than one or two verbal corrections.

How much worse is a "time out" than a child long ago wearing a dunce hat and sitting apart from the other kids at school? Okay, a "time out" is way better than spanking a child but doing the "time out" thing is NOT a good choice. In fact, I now cringe everytime I witness a parent or teacher at her school using the method of discipline. They are thinking they're doing the right thing by resorting to the out-dated practice. If they only knew what they were actually doing...making the child behave worse in the long run!

Dr. Neufeld teaches that you should not jepordize the positive attachment between parent and child. I have used many of his suggestions with very good results and my 5 year old daughter and I have a very respectful relationship that is not threatening or humiliating to her nor am a doormat that she can walk all over.

Please read the book and get rid of that awful "naughty chair"!

I just finished reading this book. It makes a compelling case against the peer-oriented culture which has grown to dominate over the past few decades, especially as it pertains to parents losing their hold on kids as the primary nurturing and guiding force until they reach maturity. It goes as far as to claim that true maturity isn't actually occurring among those who are taking their cues solely from their fellow immature peers. It's the blind leading the blind, with disastrous results.

In today's culture which places a high value on peer interaction along with less time available for families to spend together, it's more difficult for parents to remain the primary orienting force in their children's lives. Children are encouraged to socialize with other children early and often. High student: teacher ratios in daycares and schools encourage attachment to peers instead of teachers. The extended family of loving adults that used to be the norm in children's lives is now the exception, and our mobile society creates isolation instead of community. Add to this mix the effects of media which perpetuates the culture of cool, and the result is that it's simply much, much harder to parent today than it was a few decades ago, and it's far easier for children to turn to each other to meet their attachment needs.

So ... what does all this mean to me, the mother of a three-year-old sensitive child? Actually, the implications are pretty direct. As a sensitive child, Lucas absorbs everyone's energy. He mimics everything and everyone. It already appears that he's very susceptible to influence by his peers, coming home from preschool with new behaviors and mannerisms all the time, to my enormous frustration. He's also sensitive to even the most subtle withdrawal of my affection, and this drives him to attach more quickly to others who will fill the void. If he's around his peers when we've been having a rough time with our mother-son relationship, any authority and influence I may have had disappears and all hell breaks loose. If this keeps up, I'll lose him completely by middle school.

I've struggled with how to handle these difficulties. Mainstream parenting philosophy dictates that firmer boundaries and punitive measures are necessary to nip negative behavior in the bud. Attachment theory suggests the opposite. I've waffled between the two, leaning toward attachment and then chickening out in the face of parental and societal pressure. Intuition always leads me back to attachment, though. And when I doubt myself, I end up with a book like this one to give me the support I need.

The following is a quote from the book that seemed to sum up the prescription for me:

"The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independence, we must first invite dependence; to promote individuation we must provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help the child separate, we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close. We help a child let go by providing more contact and connection than he himself is seeking. When he asks for a hug, we give him a warmer on than he is giving us. We liberate our children not by making them work for our love but by letting them rest in it. We help a child face the separation involved in going to sleep or going to school by satisfying his need for closeness."

For me, this translated to:
* Playing more with him and watching him play, especially when he hasn't asked.
* "Spending time" at bedtime, (laying next to him until he falls asleep) even if it's inconvenient for me.
* Satisfying his need for closeness - saying yes unless there is a really good reason to say no - even if it means going with him every time he needs to go to the bathroom or find a sock or wash his hands.
* Allowing our daily "quiet time" to be spent in the same room together.
* Being unconditionally loving in my tone and words. Reaffirm that I love him no matter what.
* Do what it takes to manage my own frustration in healthy ways (exercise, meditate, sleep, etc.) so I don't take it out on him.

In essence, I need to consider his attachment needs ahead of my own needs for space, quiet, control, approval or whatever it is I'm seeking at the moment. I am a mature adult, and I can be creative in finding other healthy ways of getting those needs met. Lucas is not, and he won't be for a long time. If left to his own devices, his choices are not going to be smart ones. Just look at most adolescents.

This book was just the right wake-up call to get me back on track.