Customer Reviews

Holding Hands, Holding Hearts: Recovering a Biblical View of Christian Dating

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The dating versus courtship arguments in my opinion, have largely fallen into two inadequate camps. Courtship (often) is defended as the preferable option because it was the norm in Biblical culture. Our modern context is usually written off while the cultural practice of the past becomes the normative Biblcal command for us now. I had trouble making that leap. And I found that many who "kissed dating good-bye" made it into a Biblical command, rather than what it is, a wise application of Biblical principles. The other side, who "gave dating a chance", often failed to wrestle significantly with the Biblical material and empahsized following Biblical principles within the flawed system of dating.

Thankfully, into this debate comes a third and welcome approach. Richard Phillips and Sharon Phillips are both aware of the modern context that singles live in, but also have attempted to create a thoroughly Biblical rationale for single males and females to follow as they "date". Holding Hands, Holding Hearts is all that a book on practical theology should be. It is grace-based, well thought out, Scripturally supported and developed, and it gives practical applications for its readers. (While I believe all theology is practical, many books fail to thoroughly examine the practical outworkings of theology in day-to-day life).

The book is divided into two parts. Part I is called A Biblical View of Dating and Relationships. In this half, the Phillips spend a significant time explaining why we are what we are and how that affects our relationships. It uses the classical set up of categories for mankind - Creation, Fall, and Redemption. All three need to be understood BEFORE a model of relationships is developed, and the Phillips do this in a clear, Biblical and understandable way. The second half is titled Biblical Wisdom for Dating and Relationships. It takes the Bibles teachings on marriage and works backwards from them. The patterns that God desires in marriage do not magically appear once one is married, and this book describes how a couple can and should learn, grow and prepare for the roles they are called to if the Lord calls them to marriage.

One highlight that I have not seen in any dating/courtship book before is the section on idolatry in our hearts. Here's a sample: "Different people have different idols as we saw in Genesis 3, the woman's idols will often be relationship-oriented; she desires to possess him as the key to her happiness....Similarly, Genesis 3 tells us that men will often be motivated by idols eternal to the relationship: money, power, excitement. Whatever they are, the point is that idols must be served, and the dating or marriage partner must be coerced into contributing to that service. This, by the way, is often what the world means by 'compatibility'. The key to a happy relationship, the experts tell us, is to find a companion who worships the same idols as you do, or whose idols are at least not in conflict with your own. This is a fool's paradise, for sin and idolatry never truly produce harmony but always strife." (pp. 61-62). This section, in addition to many others, has what many other Christian books on the subject lack, a proper understanding and focus on the heart, as well as practical guidlines for conduct based on that understanding. Pastor Phillips is definitely a shepherd, and a man who "has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth" (2 Tim. 2:15 ESV).

If you are a single adult, and want to have the best theological and practical undestanding of how to keep Christ at the center of your dating relationships (or your courtship relationships) - this is the book for you! It is easy to read, Christ-honoring, and very practical. It also is very pastoral, and has the benefit of both male and female input, and all this from two people who worked with hundreds of singles over the years.

As one final note, my girlfriend(now wife) and I read this together, and it was a great resource and catalyst for our thinking as we sought the Lord's will for our relationship. Check it out and buy a copy for a single friend!

This is a fantastic book. The Phillips worked with the singles ministry at Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, and they have a real love for singles and lots of practical, wise advice. I wish I had read this book when I was in college; it would have saved me a lot of wasted emotion and wondering why guys were so frustrating!

The authors recognize that it's hard to "kiss dating goodbye," so instead they help singles navigate the tricky road of getting to know a potential mate. They spend time talking about what should be expected from both men and women in a relationship, and they tackle the issues that are prevalent - men not wanting to define the relationship or be willing to commit, and women expecting too much or pressuring the guy for more commitment than he's ready for. They help the reader see what qualities men and women should look for in the opposite sex, and how to be properly choosy without expecting perfection.

All in all, a very useful and practical book. I hardly ever give a book five stars, but this one deserves all five.

A Biblically based/sound, well balanced book, full of Scripture references and applications, very enjoyable and funny, for anyone to read. It takes Biblical principles of a healthy marriage and work backwards to a healthy Biblical dating relationship. The foundations for a healthy, godly marriage begin while dating.

There's a final chapter, especially written for those who are not currently in a dating relationship. Some books or people describe singleness as a gift, just as marriage as a gift. Some people do have the gift of singleness: they don't think romantically about others of the opposite sex, and there is nothing wrong or perverse about them. They do not struggle with lust either. People with this gift, in the authors' experience, is usually someone called to a particular and intense ministry. But the authors describe singleness, which can last a long time, can be considered as being a trial, just as marriage as being a trial. We need to seek God's grace for this trial as with any other.

"Singleness involves loneliness, sexual frustration, and unfulfilled dreams. It is a difficult ordeal. But let's understand something about trials: everybody has them. Singleness may be a trial, but it is not the only trial. Married people have trials -- lots of them, in fact. Parents have lots of trials. When Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation" (John 16:33) He was talking to us all."

It dwells on the Rare Jewel of Contentment (Phil. 4:11-13)...the product of a heart resting in God. They provided an unchanging rule for singles to remember, namely:

"if you cannot be contented in singleness, you will not be contented in marriage" .

"Singleness is not something that keeps us from contentment and joy. Rather, it is a trying circumstance in which we are to look in faith to God, submitting in His good and Sovereign will, and looking to Him for every blessing. But singleness is not the only such trying circumstance. Another is called marriage, as two sinners seek to live in harmony without killing each other. Yet another trying circumstance is called parenthood, in which two exhausted sinners who seldom speak to each other seek to live in harmony with each other and a whole pack of other little sinners. In all circumstances, the challenge is not to change the circumstances but to learn what Paul learned: "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can so all things through Him who strengthens me" (Phil. 4:12-13)."

Reviewer's additional comments:
One Scripture reminder by one friend also rings true:

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs--how he can please the Lord." - 1Cor 7:32 (NIV)

About the advantage of singles, being "free from concern", relative to the married.

As well as:

"But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this." - 1 Cor 7:28 (NIV)

About "those who marry will face many troubles in this life". And Paul's advice was to spare the singles of the troubles faced by those who are married. Since singles will already have their fair share of trouble in this life to face and deal with (whereas married people will have "double the trouble in this life" - their own and those of their spouse). There are advantages of course...having two people to face the many troubles in this life, rather than on your own.

In any case, concerning the book, it's Highly recommended!
Check it out and pass it on to others!

If you're a single or dating Christian (or know a friend who is a single or dating Christian) you MUST get this book for yourself (or your friend). The value of this book cannot be underestimated in an age where even Christians do not have a proper understanding of the nature of dating that leads to marriage. The authors (Richard and Sharon Phillips) are a married couple with very solid theological backgrounds. Though their theological background is Calvinistic or Reformed this book can be a valuable resource for ANY evangelical Christian no matter what his or her denominational background is.

The book is divided into two main sections. The first section deals with the biblical view of dating and relationships (what proper Christian dating IS). The second section deals with the biblical wisdom of dating and relationships (how proper Christian dating is DONE). In the first section, the authors deal with what the nature of male-female romance is based on the creation story (chap. 1), how that has been spoiled by the fall (chap. 2), and how this unique and special relationship is redeemed in Jesus Christ (chaps. 3 and 4). This section gives solid biblical evidence on what was intended in this unique ordering of God (God's intention in bringing a man and a woman together in this highly spiritual union), why romantic relationships are so messed up under the post-fall state of the world (that fallen humans see romance as a selfish medium for their own lusts and gains), and what Jesus Christ has done to redeem romantic relationships between Christian men and women (that redeemed people can truly fulfill the purpose of romance by serving one another rather than taking). Many will find this section helpful with many insights of what the Bible says about man-woman relationships.

The second section is more practical. In this section the authors deal with issues of "red flags" in a dating partner, the first date (and subsequent dates), how one can know that the person you're dating is "the one", sexual holiness before marriage (that we shouldn't even ask "what crosses the line?"), the issue of compatibility (the authors make it clear that compatibility is not the issue but whether or not both people love God, truly follow His word, and are willing to serve each other), and how to deal with singleness in the meantime. The chapter titled "Words to the Wise" (chap. 5) is probably the chapter that most single or dating Christians will find most helpful. The authors help us determine what qualities to look for in a dating (and potential marriage) partner and what negative qualities (ungodliness, unkindness, lack of character, etc.) signify that a person you're dating may be problematic spiritually and character-wise (while reminding us that all of us are not perfect and are affected by the fall somehow). The last chapter (chap. 9) deals with how a Christian should deal with singleness. Though they stress importantly that singleness is a gift for SOME people, they dispel the common myth that singleness by itself is a gift (it is not a gift that MOST people have, as they point out). In fact, they stress that singleness without the gift of singleness is a tortuous struggle (i.e., people who don't have this gift should seek marriage). However, they also point out that Christians should use their singleness as a way of serving God in ways that married people cannot, and thus, utilizing their singleness to the most for the Kingdom of God.

Overall, this book has to be the best book on Christian dating so far. Many single or dating Christians will benefit from this book and avoid the follies and pains that come with dating in an unbiblical and unwise manner.

Well, I just finished Holding Hands, Holding Hearts and I'm still convinced it's by far the best book on Christian dating for adults that I've read so far. In fact, after I finished it I gathered up some of my other books on Christian dating and singleness along with their receipts to return them to the book store. This book offers sound advice based on Biblical principles with the much needed Christian love and wisdom.

The guidance and principles in this book are timeless. If you decide to read one book on Christian dating, make this the one. It's all here. Richard and Sharon Phillips have written a creative, logical, inspiring, and most importantly of all, biblical book that's solidly backed by Scripture and their experience in singles ministry. Although the Bible doesn't really say anything about dating, the book is relevant by showing how the Bible's concepts of love, forgiveness, maintaining a godly character, etc. really do apply in relationships that lead to marriage.

The gem in this book is how the authors go back to Genesis to describe how wonderful and flawless Adam and Eve's relationship was after they were created, how it changed after The Fall, and thus how it's necessary to approach relationships with the care and understanding that this demands. They detail the ideal traits for both men and women to look for in each other and show the biblical way to progress from brothers and sisters in Christ to commitment and all the way to exchanging the vows. Very crucial to a relationship's success are the God-designed roles for each.

As a single myself in my late 20s, I consider this the very best Christian dating book and definitely recommend it to anyone searching for a spouse and perhaps who feels a bit lost. It inspires you to wait patiently on the Lord while keeping Him the priority in your life. Sure it's challenging at times, but you can't go wrong when you're first committed to God. It will only make your future relationship with your spouse that much better.

This is a great read for Christian singles who are looking to grow or begin a relationship. If you are in the beginning stages of your relationship definitely a book to read. The lady I'm dating and I are reading the book together.

This book, by its title, unfortunately will give the impression it's "just another book about dating." That couldn't be further from the truth. Every Christian needs to read this book--singles, newlyweds, long-time marrieds, and especially those who are not married but would like to be. The Scriptural perspective is really outstanding. The author presents the best biblical view of God's intended purposes for men and women I have ever heard, and, sadly, how the entrance of sin jeopardizes a proper understanding of those roles. But, of course through the Gospel there is hope! This is a must-read for men and women of all ages and life-stages. Get several to give away to people you love.

I am a male, in my 30s, single and dating. I hope this review is helpful. I have read over half a dozen dating books, some of whom were by Christian authors. Not one of them has ever really been this simple to understand and not afraid to bring up real topics. I found the book because 3 people recommended it. One was even kind enough to buy me a copy. Now, I'm returning the favor to others. With brevity the book features a string of thoughts that you will encounter when dating a person. Whether you are a boy or a girl, this book is for you. The best part about this "handbook on dating" is that it makes it easy to understand the fundamental purpose of marriage and all about dating. The plus is that its easy to read and you can read it with your companion while you date, with a parent or a close friend, who shares your thoughts. The minus is that its a short book and chances are you may read it too fast. However, its such an easy read, I have read certain chapters over again learning something I didn't see before. I appreciate that the books presents ideas and situations using correct biblical scriptures to support them. There are other books I also recommend for how to be a husband, and marriage, but for now, start with this book and tell your friends. 'Holding Hands, Holding Hearts' is thought provoking and will truly leave an impression on your heart the next time you hold someone's hand with love in mind.

If your looking for a book on starting your relationship with the right mind and heart set, this is it. Even if you see others that may look enticing START HERE. This amazing book provides a scriptural grounding for your relationship. Written plainly for easy understanding and not toward any age bracket.