Customer Reviews

Home-Alone America: The Hidden Toll of Day Care, Behavioral Drugs, and Other Parent Substitutes

5 star:		(11)
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3 star:		(1)
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1 star:		(2)

 

 

Eberstadt actually focuses on parents (that's plural) both Moms and Dads, deadbeat Dads, as well as divorced parents who use toys and junkfood for short-term rewards or to compensate for the face to face time that they can't have with their children.

She talks about busy parents who use junk food, videos, video games, locked houses, and perscription drugs as substitutes for their attention.

She talks about the dangers that she sees with the early socialization of children before they're really ready. (i.e., putting kids in Daycare before the age of 3).

She talks about the dangers of kids who come home from school and are alone until parents return from work.

She also devotes considerable time to the rise in childhood obesity and how the above factors contribute to that.

This is certainly not a mere "Blame the mom" screed as some might call it. THere is a nuanced and deep look at parenting in these busy times.

There is a lot of noise in our society about our troubled young. And that is well because it is true. There are also an almost infinite number of suggestions on how to "manage" these problems: counseling, more counseling, medication, raising daycare standards, yet more counseling and more medication, and on and on it goes.

This powerful book asks a somewhat different question. What if the problem isn't the kids? What if their reactions are reasonable responses to a toxic environment of outsourced childrearing (to daycare and medication), of absent fathers, of transient relationships in their relationship role models, and in consistently bad advice given them on sex, careers, and marriage?

She points out the current themes in popular music are abandonment, hurt from missing parents, rage against parental neglect, and the need for oblivion to escape the pain of loneliness. It isn't rebelling against mom and pop anymore. It is more like where are mom and dad and why don't they care about me. This is sad and painful on all fronts.

Mary Eberstadt is clear and honest in her facts and analysis. She admits there is neither simple panacea nor even a complex solution. She advocates beginning with a new consensus that it would be better for both children and adults if more American parents were with their kids more of the time. I know that sounds simplistic, but it is not simple. Given the financial burdens most families have taken on, it is very hard to make something like this happen. However, if we decide we believe we need our kids and they need us and that time together is important, we can make adjustments in our lives to make that happen.

I hope this book is widely read and widely discussed in thoughtful ways rather than just the normal political yelling at the other side. The topic affects us all. We all have an important stake in this and we all shoulder some of the blame. So, let's get at it.

Parents need to pay attention to the consequences of allowing caregivers other than parents to play a major role in raising our children.

Our kids are in trouble- from obesity to suicide to emotional and behavioral problems requiring medication. No one can deny this.

I would challenge parents to look at themselves and their values as they watch the decline of childhood around us. This is not an easy task- we all want to be comfortable and challenging the notions of our selfish or materialistic motives is not easy.

I should know. Not only was I a psychiatrist who worked with troubled families, but I have had to make tough decisions about my own professional career, money and family.

It is easy for this book to be dismissed as a conservative diatribe against modern feminism but it is so much more.

It is a plea for our children and our future and it deserves to be read.

There are so many options available to families now. I work from home and encourage other moms to do the same. We can save our children, one family at a time.

Many of Eberstadt's points are very astute and worth considering, and for that, I give her three stars. For instance, the amount of medication our children are taking to make them "normal." The rise of aggression in our youngest children. The rise in childhood obsesity, because we no longer live in a world where children play, outside of highly structured, controlled events.

I don't disagree with anything descriptive she says about these issues. (And in fact, her chapter on GenX and Hip Hop music is quite well done.) But she blames this on a current culture where women (and men) leave their children in daycare, too focused on their own careers to care about them.

And given her personal experience, there is much that probably bears this out. She lives in Washington DC, in a very nice, very expensive neighborhood. The mood around her is definitely a liberal, career driven one.

However, I live in a red town, in a red county, in a red state. I live in a neighborhood of stay at home mothers, and fathers who are able to attend games and volunteer for boy scouting events. And what do I see? Children who are aggressive. Children who are obese. Children who are on medication. Most children do not play outside on our cul-de-sac because it "isn't safe." (I honestly have no idea what that means -- it is far safer from anywhere else I've ever lived.)

So even the right knows there is a problem with parenting. They blame the left, perhaps because they live in a left-wing world themselves. But for those of us who are NOT living in left-wing cultural milieus, those explanations fall flat.

But the parenting problem remains in the US today. One of the few things the left and the right agree on.

The author explores a number of issues arising from children not being raised by their parents. Over the last couple decades more and more children no longer have a parent to greet them at the door when school is over. This is largely driven by the mother going into the workforce, and to some extent by the huge increase in divorce. Children are now being raised by daycare centers, by the schools, and sometimes they are raising themselves. The author covers in detail many of the problems that have resulted from these changes.

There is no easy way to summarize all the types of problems explored in the book. I'll just mention of few of them. The author shows how many daycare centers are germ factories, for children are much more likely to catch a disease in a daycare center. The less time a parent spends with a young child, the more likely the young child will become violent. There has been a huge increase in the percentage of children who are fat and truly obese. Historically parents controlled how much children got to eat, but now often children get to decide. There are a lot more mental health problems now, versus a couple decades ago. Teachers and daycare centers are turning to drugs to medicate children for what had been considered normal juvenile behavior. Many of these drugs haven't been fully tested. It was fascinating to read about how much of the popular teenage music now is a cry for parents to be parents. Five of the top ten most frequently reported diseases in 1995 were STDs. Most children having sex are having sex in an unsupervised home. This is just a small sample of the dozens of problems children in America are now facing.

If you have children, this is a good book to read. It will help you understand the true costs and potential dangers your children may be exposed to if you try to outsource the raising of your children.

This may be the first time in history that we have forced a generation of kids to be separated from their own parents. The results of this grand social experiment are beginning to come in. And Mary Eberstadt does not like what she sees. Nor should we.

We have embarked upon a unique historical trial of seeing what life is like for children who have been for the most part separated from their parents. And while there may have been some benefits for the parents, few people were asking the really important questions: What about the children? Is parent-absence good for the kids?

While Eberstadt recognises that correlation does not always equal causation, she rightly questions why adults always try to put a positive spin on child separation when children seem to take a much different view. We need to stop looking at this problem as if it is all about adult choices, and start focusing on the possible harm our children are experiencing.

And there seems to be plenty of harm. We have witnessed in the past few decades a huge rise in childhood problems, whether sexual promiscuity, mental health problems, the rise of the prescription drug generation, childhood obesity, and many more worrying symptoms.

Eberstadt argues that all of these problems, at least to some extent, can be tied in to parental absence. Consider the issue of obesity. Eberstadt looks at possible reasons for this, but then focuses on the real culprit: absent parents. When kids are kept home-alone, they are usually kept inside for safety sake. Thus they usually end up in front of the TV or computer, instead of running around outside.

Also, without a parent at home to prepare a healthy meal, kids are often left to live on junk food. These two factors alone explain much of the childhood obesity problem. Common sense bears this out, and research helps to confirm it. For example, we know that kids are less at risk of obesity problems if breastfed. But absent mums means no or little breast-feeding.

Eberstatd also looks at the alarming rise in psychotropic medicines. Kids are being plied with various drugs at an unprecedented level, be it for ADHD, for depression, or whatever. Yet a growing body of literature is showing that there are many risks associated with drugs such as Ritalin, Paxil, Risperdal and the various anti-depressants, and stimulants such as methylphenidate.

Why are we drugging our children as such high levels, even with the known risks? Eberstadt again suggests that parental absence is part of the reason our children are experiencing so many problems. Most of these drugs are really behaviour-management or performance-enhancing drugs, designed to give a technological quick-fix to what may just be old-fashioned discipline problems, or what may be largely manageable when a parent is around.

But with parents absent in such great numbers, more and more of our child-carers resort to drugs to fix the problem. And the ironic thing is, it may well be the stresses and unhappiness caused by parental separation that is getting the kids into more trouble to begin with.

Eberstadt also looks at the day-care industry, and how we are allowing a generation of kids to be looked after by strangers. She examines the huge increase in emotional and psychological problems plaguing our children. She also looks at the rise of violence among children.

All in all, our kids are experiencing an unprecedented tidal wave of physical, social and psychological problems that we normally associate with adults. And these problems have arisen at exactly the same time that we have seen absentee parenting mushroom.

Adults living in denial will want to say that the two are simply not connected. Perhaps they are right. But the correlation seems to be strong, and some type of causality seems to be involved. If so, then for the sake of our children we need to slow down and take stock of how this rise in parent-separation is affecting our children.

Eberstadt finishes her volume with a simple plea. She does not offer a checklist of policy options or steps on what must be done. She instead summarises the findings of this book by stating what most of us should know by common sense and experience: children do better, generally speaking, when parental absence is minimised, and they do worse, generally speaking, when it is not.

Parental presence will not solve all the problems mentioned in this book, but it will help quite a bit. But unless we are ready to get real about the damage being done to our children by parental absence, things will continue to worsen. We can turn things around if we are really concerned about the welfare of our children. And this book helps point us in the right direction.

If you think our schools are bad today - read this book. If you think throwing more money at our schools will help, read this book. If you think everyone else is at fault except the parents with regards to today's children, read this book. This is by far the most profound book of the century. Mary Eberstadt is a genious! The problem with our schools, our children, our society is THE PARENTS! I take responsibility for my kids, for their actions, for their grades, for their troubles because I am at home raising them to be good sound citizens and human beings. I do not blame the schools, the government and mother earth...it is me! I wish every teacher, every mom and dad, every person even thinking of becoming a mom or dad would read this book. It's the best book I've read in my entire 30 years of studying and taking care of children. Mary Eberstadt is telling the truth - it is about parents taking responsibility. I would give this book the highest mark available. I would recommend this book to everyone that has any dealings with, or contact with, children...

Basically this book is about how no one is watching the children, referencing them as ferel kids. Children of today are raising themselves then we expect the schools to do all the disciplinary duties when in actuality it should have been done already at home. Teachers of today can't possibly teach a room full of children that are totally unable to sit still in their chairs, that lack respect, and that are either too tired or too hung-over to learn and pay attention. Looking at children from the 50's and today's children, there is a very strong and common thread of unsupervised kids...everyone wants to go to work, pursue their careers while leaving the children for some stranger to raise, or worse yet, locked up in their own homes alone after school. Do people today even know why babies cry when mommy leaves the room - why? It's a built in safety-valve that tells mom to stay close, to be there, to love and nurture. It wasn't there just to push mom's buttons! It's there to tell mom and dad that they NEED them! Nothing more, nothing less.

Ms. Eberstadt's other most astounding fact is the importance of the music of today. Everyone blames the music - read her chapter on this matter and you'll see that the kids themselves have written the music because this is what they live, this is what they see, this is how they FEEL and this is how they are poorly parented, if at all! Songs of yesterday were about beaches, hot cars, relationships, love, the Beatles and the Beachboys...today's songs are about being alone, witnessing abuse, neglect, drugs, and about dad's leaving and especially about divorce. Wow! It's not what the music's doing to the kids - it's what we parents are doing to our children! They are sending a very profound message to us all. We just don't get it!

I hope that Mary Eberstadt will write more on this very basic and forgotten art...being a plugged-in mom and dad. If one or other parent can't be home to raise their own children, why have them? We won't even let our neighbor borrow our family car, but we turn our most valued, treasured and blessed offspring over to some strangers for the better part of the day to raise. Why?

Finally, an author who's willing to call it as she sees it. More than that, Mary Eberstadt is an author willing to voice dangerously un-PC views about the status of American children and families. This book exposes some of the deceptive research and antequated theory used to support the use of behavior drugs. Eberstadt voices what most people already know, but may be unwilling to admit: kids who have the love and support of their parents when they need it (not at their parent's convenience) do better in the long run.

This book forces parents to remove the rose-colored glasses through which they may have once viewed the world.

Contrary to popular belief, not even a "village" can substitute for a mother.

Unlike many "committed" treatments of this subject, this author adopts a scientific approach, citing studies and reasoning in a clear and cogent way.

The problem: (p. 20)
In 1975, 33 percent of children under six had employed mothers.
In 1993, 55 percent of children under six had employed mothers.
In 2000, 70 percent of children under six had employed mothers.

The ideological battles are exactly what you would expect. Militant feminists regard these numbers as good news: more women are employed. Family people regard these numbers as bad news: children are growing up without their mothers (or fathers or grandmothers, as it turns out).

But there is more bad news: enraged children, fat children, drug-addicted children (not yesterday's drugs like marijuana but prescribed drugs, legal drugs), rage-driven pop-music-addicted children. With a younger generation like this on the way, who needs terrorists, Reconquistadores and the like? We've got them anyway, of course, and nothing is being done about them. To see how the problem of alienated children fits into these other problems, read While America Sleeps: How Islam, Immigration and Indoctrination Are Destroying America From Within. America is one "village" that is bent on self-destruction.

In a society that subordinates children's needs to adult freedoms, this book should give anyone pause. It offers a compelling case that the large-scale absence of parents from their children's lives via day care, video games,empty homes for schoolkids to return to (and have sex in), and so forth have a devastating impact on children and young people. The adult response of pathologizing and medicating the kids, or interning them in prison-like private boarding schools, only compounds the problem. It reflects and reinforces adult denial of children's needs and suffering.

As Eberstadt points out, the kinds of critique she offers call down a ton of ideological abuse on the heads of those few who dare to make them--in academia these do not include scholars without secure employment! They are points and evidence that get brushed off as reactionary or sexist or unhelpfully guilt-inducing. Contrary to some reviews, this is not an attack on working mothers. Those many women who have no choice but to work full-time have no reason to feel guilt. But those parents--mothers and fathers both--who do have choice have reason to feel guilt and need to face the truth about the costs of their choices for their children.

Any one of the studies Eberstadt cites, could be questioned for its methodological flaws, and some links between adult behavior and child suffering are not as strong as others. But the cumulative effect of the arguments and evidence the author presents is powerful. It merits serious and open discussion instead of the usual dismissal and denunciation from most feminists and liberals.

The case is not just a matter of personal choices. Such cultural shifts are reflected and amplified in social policies. The normalizing of out-of-wedlock teen sex as reflected in much sex education; the assumption that mothers should (re)join the workforce as early as possible reflected in welfare reform; the assumption that women should adopt and adapt to the male model of subordinating family to work as reflected in so-called family-friendly policies that promote increased labor force participation of mothers (see Gilbert's excellent analysis,A Mother's Work: How Feminism, the Market, and Policy Shape Family Life--all these and related policies are redefining parenthood at the expense of children. (For more on this theme see my blog at [...] )

This book focuses on the toll on children of these cultural and policy shifts of the past half century. For a recent critique of the misguided project of treating both sexes as if they were essentially identical except for anatomical details and the social construction of gender--and of squeezing women into male norms of work and family, see Susan Pinker's excellent study, The Sexual Paradox: Men, Women and the Real Gender Gap. But this book is about children. It is a bold challenge to the taboo on discussing the extent and nature of children's needs for their parents.

As Eberstadt indicates, we need not a quick policy fix here and there, but a fundamental and honest re-assessment of our priorities in relation to children and young people--both personally and in the policy choices we make.