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Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve Hardcover – February 1, 2005

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Hot on the heels of the bestseller He's Just Not That Into You comes this funny, forthright response from author and sex therapist Kerner. The author of the sex guide She Comes First and the "dating doctor" for Lifetime TV, Kerner takes up the cause of "Sex and the City" women everywhere, urging ladies to dump the "in-the-meantime" men and raise their standards on the husband hunt. Kerner's book will appeal to the chick lit audience, with his sassy quizzes and blunt language, as when he writes that women settle on a mediocre boyfriend because "they like having their egos and (and lower parts) stroked." How unfortunate, then, that Kern's logic is often so sloppy. Can it really always be true, as he writes, that being married "is harder than being single, even in the best of circumstances" or that "If women were really disposed to have sex like men, they'd be greater consumers of porn and prostitution"? The book equivocates in trying to promote sexual freedom while encouraging emotional responsibility, and all the laugh lines don't quite hide the fact that the entire book's wisdom is essentially contained in the subtitle. A final chapter, written jointly by Kerner and his wife, does stand out for its personality and wit. Here's hoping they team up for a whole book next time. Meanwhile, this one's sure to do brisk business among singletons.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.


“Love Sex and the City? Revisit the world of strategic dating with Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either.” (People)

“Be Honest is about figuring out how to best serve your own needs, . . . and still respect yourself.” (

“Ian Kerner is that rare man who truly loves women and wants to help them.” (From the foreword by Amy Sohn, New York magazine columnist)

“A funny and truly helpful look at what modern women may have forgotten (or just won’t admit) about themselves. (Jane Buckingham, author of The Modern Girl's Guide to Life)

“Witty and informed.” (Us Weekly)

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Product Details

  • Hardcover: 176 pages
  • Publisher: ReganBooks; First Edition edition (February 1, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0060817402
  • ISBN-13: 978-0060817404
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.8 x 8.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 12 ounces
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (97 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #608,753 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Ian Kerner, PhD MFT, is a nationally-recognized couples and sex therapist and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books including the ever-popular She Comes First (Harper Collins). He writes a well known column for CNN and can often be seen on the TODAY Show and the Dr. Oz Show amongst others. He is regularly quoted as an expert in print and online media. Ian is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors (AASECT) and addresses issues that are common to the "American bedroom." He frequently lectures on topics related to human sexuality, with recent appearances at New York University, Yale and Princeton. Ian is the founder of Good in Bed, an online destination that brings together many of the country's leading sex and relationship experts to provide information and advice. Ian was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

167 of 186 people found the following review helpful By Rebecca of Amazon HALL OF FAMETOP 500 REVIEWERVINE VOICE on February 18, 2005
Format: Hardcover
Ian Kerner takes a realistic and very serious look at what is actually occurring in the lives of single American women. It seems that recently I've been reading that 44-54% of American women are single.

With such a high percentage, it is no wonder I'm seeing so many books on the life of the single woman. I find it all rather fascinating since I was single until I was 27 and I have been wondering how other women dealt with this stage in their lives. Many are now single until way past 35 and for many this situation is a conscious choice.

So, what does a sexologist have to say about this subject? Well, he does focus on sex all while promoting positive changes. He basically gives single woman a much needed reality check. Is sex that satisfying for single women or would they enjoy sex more in a much more stable and secure environment, like marriage. Ian Kerner has talked to woman about their sex lives and he seems to have written this book to make women more aware of the connection between sexuality and the emotions. We women know they are connected, so this is not completely new information. However, there was much to learn from his book in regards to how hormones affect mood and why a woman feels closer to a man after sex, even to the point of feeling he is the one she should marry. This gets complex if he is not the right man for you and Ian advises women to seriously consider the detrimental effects of casual sex.

While Ian Kerner does not delve into any religious or personal moral considerations, he does base his beliefs on biological, intellectual, hormonal, emotional and evolutionary considerations. He compares rats and voles, delves into dopamine and explains why Viagra doesn't work so well for women.
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33 of 34 people found the following review helpful By Trixie on February 8, 2005
Format: Hardcover
but i read this one in one sitting, from cover to cover. this is what i've needed for a long time--i'm 28,in NYC,& drum roll, a single lady. Haven't *had* anyone worth bragging about since college and in those (gasp) 6 years, i have maintained one or 2 rather unfulfilling "arrangements"...and i thought it was only me with the problem(s) and that something was wrong with me at my core.

Ian is right on, making me see clearly what i always suspected was the case: there isn't anything wrong with my soul, but i better watch out for myself and concentrate on making myself happy for real instead of just f*cking around with loser boys. He's put a modern spin on "you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself" with a dash of it's not just them, it's them and it's us together.

And it's not cheesy, it's not Pollyanna, it's not a quick fix.

So it's worth it!
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116 of 136 people found the following review helpful By A Reader with Gratitude and Appreciation on February 14, 2005
Format: Hardcover
The book He's not that Into You is a book to help you "get over" the man who destroy your life and your self esteem. However, it does give women a passive attitude towards dating and finding the right person. Like I mentioned in my previous review, we women only take the belief of "He's not that Into You" when you decide his ambivalent behavior is ruining your life. Unlike He's not that Into You, the "Be honest - You're not that Into Him Either" gives women the opportunity to explore and learn more about her, surfacing the bottom line and the honest truth about life - Life is full of choices. I give more credits towards this book because it is written from a male sex therapist. I admire the author's deep knowledge about women (when I was reading the book, I wonder how was that even possible a male sex therapist would know so much about the honest truth) and had fun reading this book.

I like the way the author surface the truth of why most women cannot have sex/physical intimacy like a man and why it is better for a person to wait if she wants to have a steady, loving relationship. Sex/Physical intimacy is a topic every man and woman wants to know the most but it is a topic our society talks very little (I mean in a psychological point of view). Most women do not want to wake up in the morning feeling they were promiscuous. Or, women, from a biological perspective, become more emotional bonded with the man when sex/physical intimacy is involved.

I like how the author surfaces another side of the fence about how women get into a self-defeating position in dating. You're not that into him either if:

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22 of 23 people found the following review helpful By M. Lane on July 20, 2005
Format: Hardcover Verified Purchase
This book kicks "He's not that into You" firmly in the crotch. Thank the Good Lord that someone finally did.

The first chapters explain why it's a bad idea for women to have casual sex. DUH!!! For me and my friends, this is as true as the sky is blue. Having sex like a man is a myth. I cannot fathom why people are watching "Sex and the City" and believing it. Ian Kerner, the author, explains in scientific terms why it's not likely for women to have sex that is casual as well as enjoyable. He goes into hormones, the way other mammals act, etc. This book suggests that having "sex like a man" is UN-empowering, despite what your local commando feminist might say.

Note to the audience: For those readers who are squeamish about sex and masturbation, the first couple of chapters are going to be uncomfortable. If you're not having sex, this book is probably not useful for you. Also, if you have problems finding a guy, this book is not for you. However, if you find that you are dating guys that you're not that into, this book is for you. Also, if you're a parent and your daughter is going away to college, I'd recommend this book for your daughter. It might keep her away from the frat houses. Believe me, it happens, and it's better for her to get a good whiff of reality before she is out on her own.

The second and third couple of chapters explain why you should not seriously date someone who you're not that into. I don't think that these chapters are as good as the first, but I identify with dating people who I am not that into. It's a waste of time. You know from the very beginning that you're not going to marry them, and spending time by yourself is so much more enjoyable and empowering.

Overall, I think that this book is a four star book, but I am giving it five simply because it kicks some butt.
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