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156 of 174 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
A Clinical Sexologist's Opinion of the Single Life, February 18, 2005
Ian Kerner takes a realistic and very serious look at what is actually occurring in the lives of single American women. It seems that recently I've been reading that 44-54% of American women are single.
With such a high percentage, it is no wonder I'm seeing so many books on the life of the single woman. I find it all rather fascinating since I was single until I was 27 and I have been wondering how other women dealt with this stage in their lives. Many are now single until way past 35 and for many this situation is a conscious choice.
So, what does a sexologist have to say about this subject? Well, he does focus on sex all while promoting positive changes. He basically gives single woman a much needed reality check. Is sex that satisfying for single women or would they enjoy sex more in a much more stable and secure environment, like marriage. Ian Kerner has talked to woman about their sex lives and he seems to have written this book to make women more aware of the connection between sexuality and the emotions. We women know they are connected, so this is not completely new information. However, there was much to learn from his book in regards to how hormones affect mood and why a woman feels closer to a man after sex, even to the point of feeling he is the one she should marry. This gets complex if he is not the right man for you and Ian advises women to seriously consider the detrimental effects of casual sex.
While Ian Kerner does not delve into any religious or personal moral considerations, he does base his beliefs on biological, intellectual, hormonal, emotional and evolutionary considerations. He compares rats and voles, delves into dopamine and explains why Viagra doesn't work so well for women. He explains why men seek out more than one woman and presents a fascinating view of men as equally emotional. One of his thoughts brought me to a much deeper understanding of male sexuality. Ian explains the difference between a man making love to a woman he loves and a man having sex with a woman he is not "that into." There are men who will avoid sex because they are not "in love" or want to wait until they are sure the woman is "the one."
I think Ian Kerner should not assume only single women are reading his book. As a married woman, I am still fascinated by the subject of male sexuality and current trends. This is also a very intellectual read and I do so love finding words like "vitriolic." Can I say, Ian Kerner is a tad bit vitriolic about a book he dislikes and I honestly think he should appreciate that book more since it gave him an idea for his own book. Honestly, I bought both books thinking they were a set of books and didn't even originally notice they were not by the same author.
I can see why he would dismiss a more frivolous look at the single life, but I found both books to be an enjoyable read. There are times when you need humor and times when you want to immerse your mind in an intellectual read. While the cover would say otherwise, this book is highly intellectual and seems to be written for the thinking woman who is making choices based on logic versus emotional response.
One of Ian Kerner's comments disturbed me in a unique way. When he said Adam and Eve were having casual sex, my mind could not comprehend how anyone would ever believe such a statement. To me, Adam and Eve are the ultimate soul mates, created by God and an example of the ideal relationship we should strive for in a troubled world. I also think Ian Kerner should pick a side. On the one hand he is telling woman how damaging casual sex can be and on the other hand he says things like "you go girl." That can be confusing and I think he is trying so hard not to offend people that he is trying to present both sides of the situation. He also seems to go a little overboard trying to convince women he is on their side. It is a classic attempt to gain trust and while I appreciated his advice, I did not feel he was "always" leading single women in the right direction. He presents choices and yet he does at times have an almost fatherly concern, which is comforting. Women who have any religious beliefs will not find much advice about that subject in this book.
So, what will you find?
Ideas for how to raise your standards so you can reach for love...
A Sex Glossary - the reality of the situation
What do you do when your clock is ticking...FAST?
Why having sex like a man might not be as freeing as originally assumed.
How to survive all your friend's weddings while you patiently look for Mr. Right
Why men chase and retreat - most entertaining!
How you can overcome an addiction to love - useful and encouraging information.
Why you should dump the dude and prepare for your prince...
Why understanding female sexuality can be as complicated as Euclidean geometry!
Lisa Rubisch's opinion of her husband Ian - she writes a complete chapter at the end of the book.
Instead of a red crayon, you will need a number two pencil for this book. Knowledge is power. Even if you are married, you might enjoy the information about the mysteries of the male psyche. Perhaps it is just the nature of love to pounce on you when you are not looking.
~The Rebecca Review
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25 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
I hate self-help books, February 8, 2005
but i read this one in one sitting, from cover to cover. this is what i've needed for a long time--i'm 28,in NYC,& drum roll, a single lady. Haven't *had* anyone worth bragging about since college and in those (gasp) 6 years, i have maintained one or 2 rather unfulfilling "arrangements"...and i thought it was only me with the problem(s) and that something was wrong with me at my core.
Ian is right on, making me see clearly what i always suspected was the case: there isn't anything wrong with my soul, but i better watch out for myself and concentrate on making myself happy for real instead of just f*cking around with loser boys. He's put a modern spin on "you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself" with a dash of it's not just them, it's them and it's us together.
And it's not cheesy, it's not Pollyanna, it's not a quick fix.
So it's worth it!
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111 of 130 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Even Better than He's not that Into You, February 14, 2005
The book He's not that Into You is a book to help you "get over" the man who destroy your life and your self esteem. However, it does give women a passive attitude towards dating and finding the right person. Like I mentioned in my previous review, we women only take the belief of "He's not that Into You" when you decide his ambivalent behavior is ruining your life. Unlike He's not that Into You, the "Be honest - You're not that Into Him Either" gives women the opportunity to explore and learn more about her, surfacing the bottom line and the honest truth about life - Life is full of choices. I give more credits towards this book because it is written from a male sex therapist. I admire the author's deep knowledge about women (when I was reading the book, I wonder how was that even possible a male sex therapist would know so much about the honest truth) and had fun reading this book.
I like the way the author surface the truth of why most women cannot have sex/physical intimacy like a man and why it is better for a person to wait if she wants to have a steady, loving relationship. Sex/Physical intimacy is a topic every man and woman wants to know the most but it is a topic our society talks very little (I mean in a psychological point of view). Most women do not want to wake up in the morning feeling they were promiscuous. Or, women, from a biological perspective, become more emotional bonded with the man when sex/physical intimacy is involved.
I like how the author surfaces another side of the fence about how women get into a self-defeating position in dating. You're not that into him either if:
1. You believe there is no good man left
NOTE: This is our self-defeating excuse to stay in the same position so we can be "lazy" of not finding the love we deserve
2. You need someone to be into you to serve your ego and to cope your loneliness
NOTE: Ladies, please let go of your ego because your ego does not bring you happiness
3. You lost faith in finding love
NOTE: You were hurt a couple times and you are convinced that love is not there
4. Your biological clock is clicking and you want to be with someone (regardless whether he is compatible with you or not)
Women in general want happy marriage and kids. However, sometimes their eyes are caught up with conforming to the society (the little picture frame of a "happy family", the wedding, the diamond engagement ring, coupling, "to be with someone") and lost sight around the most important message about life - which is creating a life for self and others that is content, happy and peaceful. It is so true that women are better off being single than rushing into the idea of marriage just to show off to others how wonderful her life is (because divorce happen so often in life nowadays). Are you falling in love with the idea of marriage, play girl, coupling because it is "cool" according to the society? Or are you falling in love for the man you are very into? Or are you falling in love with a man because you believe he will change for you because of love?
Who cares whether you are married or not? Who cares whether you have an "ideal" family where there must be a husband and children? What if you can create an external picture of a family to everyone else (meaning nice house, nice cars, "perfect" husband and "perfect" children) while you feel hollow, shallow, empty, broken and lost inside? Isn't it just like human beings living on Earth but pretending that they are living in the moon every day we wake up in the morning? Ladies, snap out from that illusion of the "happily ever after" fairy tale picture because life is full of ups and downs and at the end, you can only be content and at peace within yourself when you let go of that unrealistic, one dimensional fairy tale happily ever after dream. The fairy tale is just an escape of the reality because of that sense of emptiness we all have. Why do we women let the word marriage and coupling control our life is my question? Is it because of our parents? Is it because of the society? Is it because of the magazines/media that promotes coupling and marriages (imagine how much you are supposed to spend in a wedding?) What is the point to create that picture when it becomes unrealistic, at the end we human beings become empty inside?
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