Customer Reviews

Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve

5 star:		(44)
4 star:		(15)
3 star:		(7)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(8)

 

 

Ian Kerner takes a realistic and very serious look at what is actually occurring in the lives of single American women. It seems that recently I've been reading that 44-54% of American women are single.

With such a high percentage, it is no wonder I'm seeing so many books on the life of the single woman. I find it all rather fascinating since I was single until I was 27 and I have been wondering how other women dealt with this stage in their lives. Many are now single until way past 35 and for many this situation is a conscious choice.

So, what does a sexologist have to say about this subject? Well, he does focus on sex all while promoting positive changes. He basically gives single woman a much needed reality check. Is sex that satisfying for single women or would they enjoy sex more in a much more stable and secure environment, like marriage. Ian Kerner has talked to woman about their sex lives and he seems to have written this book to make women more aware of the connection between sexuality and the emotions. We women know they are connected, so this is not completely new information. However, there was much to learn from his book in regards to how hormones affect mood and why a woman feels closer to a man after sex, even to the point of feeling he is the one she should marry. This gets complex if he is not the right man for you and Ian advises women to seriously consider the detrimental effects of casual sex.

While Ian Kerner does not delve into any religious or personal moral considerations, he does base his beliefs on biological, intellectual, hormonal, emotional and evolutionary considerations. He compares rats and voles, delves into dopamine and explains why Viagra doesn't work so well for women. He explains why men seek out more than one woman and presents a fascinating view of men as equally emotional. One of his thoughts brought me to a much deeper understanding of male sexuality. Ian explains the difference between a man making love to a woman he loves and a man having sex with a woman he is not "that into." There are men who will avoid sex because they are not "in love" or want to wait until they are sure the woman is "the one."

I think Ian Kerner should not assume only single women are reading his book. As a married woman, I am still fascinated by the subject of male sexuality and current trends. This is also a very intellectual read and I do so love finding words like "vitriolic." Can I say, Ian Kerner is a tad bit vitriolic about a book he dislikes and I honestly think he should appreciate that book more since it gave him an idea for his own book. Honestly, I bought both books thinking they were a set of books and didn't even originally notice they were not by the same author.

I can see why he would dismiss a more frivolous look at the single life, but I found both books to be an enjoyable read. There are times when you need humor and times when you want to immerse your mind in an intellectual read. While the cover would say otherwise, this book is highly intellectual and seems to be written for the thinking woman who is making choices based on logic versus emotional response.

One of Ian Kerner's comments disturbed me in a unique way. When he said Adam and Eve were having casual sex, my mind could not comprehend how anyone would ever believe such a statement. To me, Adam and Eve are the ultimate soul mates, created by God and an example of the ideal relationship we should strive for in a troubled world. I also think Ian Kerner should pick a side. On the one hand he is telling woman how damaging casual sex can be and on the other hand he says things like "you go girl." That can be confusing and I think he is trying so hard not to offend people that he is trying to present both sides of the situation. He also seems to go a little overboard trying to convince women he is on their side. It is a classic attempt to gain trust and while I appreciated his advice, I did not feel he was "always" leading single women in the right direction. He presents choices and yet he does at times have an almost fatherly concern, which is comforting. Women who have any religious beliefs will not find much advice about that subject in this book.

So, what will you find?

Ideas for how to raise your standards so you can reach for love...
A Sex Glossary - the reality of the situation
What do you do when your clock is ticking...FAST?
Why having sex like a man might not be as freeing as originally assumed.
How to survive all your friend's weddings while you patiently look for Mr. Right
Why men chase and retreat - most entertaining!
How you can overcome an addiction to love - useful and encouraging information.
Why you should dump the dude and prepare for your prince...
Why understanding female sexuality can be as complicated as Euclidean geometry!
Lisa Rubisch's opinion of her husband Ian - she writes a complete chapter at the end of the book.

Instead of a red crayon, you will need a number two pencil for this book. Knowledge is power. Even if you are married, you might enjoy the information about the mysteries of the male psyche. Perhaps it is just the nature of love to pounce on you when you are not looking.

~The Rebecca Review

but i read this one in one sitting, from cover to cover. this is what i've needed for a long time--i'm 28,in NYC,& drum roll, a single lady. Haven't *had* anyone worth bragging about since college and in those (gasp) 6 years, i have maintained one or 2 rather unfulfilling "arrangements"...and i thought it was only me with the problem(s) and that something was wrong with me at my core.

Ian is right on, making me see clearly what i always suspected was the case: there isn't anything wrong with my soul, but i better watch out for myself and concentrate on making myself happy for real instead of just f*cking around with loser boys. He's put a modern spin on "you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself" with a dash of it's not just them, it's them and it's us together.

And it's not cheesy, it's not Pollyanna, it's not a quick fix.

So it's worth it!

The book He's not that Into You is a book to help you "get over" the man who destroy your life and your self esteem. However, it does give women a passive attitude towards dating and finding the right person. Like I mentioned in my previous review, we women only take the belief of "He's not that Into You" when you decide his ambivalent behavior is ruining your life. Unlike He's not that Into You, the "Be honest - You're not that Into Him Either" gives women the opportunity to explore and learn more about her, surfacing the bottom line and the honest truth about life - Life is full of choices. I give more credits towards this book because it is written from a male sex therapist. I admire the author's deep knowledge about women (when I was reading the book, I wonder how was that even possible a male sex therapist would know so much about the honest truth) and had fun reading this book.

I like the way the author surface the truth of why most women cannot have sex/physical intimacy like a man and why it is better for a person to wait if she wants to have a steady, loving relationship. Sex/Physical intimacy is a topic every man and woman wants to know the most but it is a topic our society talks very little (I mean in a psychological point of view). Most women do not want to wake up in the morning feeling they were promiscuous. Or, women, from a biological perspective, become more emotional bonded with the man when sex/physical intimacy is involved.

I like how the author surfaces another side of the fence about how women get into a self-defeating position in dating. You're not that into him either if:
1. You believe there is no good man left
NOTE: This is our self-defeating excuse to stay in the same position so we can be "lazy" of not finding the love we deserve
2. You need someone to be into you to serve your ego and to cope your loneliness
NOTE: Ladies, please let go of your ego because your ego does not bring you happiness
3. You lost faith in finding love
NOTE: You were hurt a couple times and you are convinced that love is not there
4. Your biological clock is clicking and you want to be with someone (regardless whether he is compatible with you or not)

Women in general want happy marriage and kids. However, sometimes their eyes are caught up with conforming to the society (the little picture frame of a "happy family", the wedding, the diamond engagement ring, coupling, "to be with someone") and lost sight around the most important message about life - which is creating a life for self and others that is content, happy and peaceful. It is so true that women are better off being single than rushing into the idea of marriage just to show off to others how wonderful her life is (because divorce happen so often in life nowadays). Are you falling in love with the idea of marriage, play girl, coupling because it is "cool" according to the society? Or are you falling in love for the man you are very into? Or are you falling in love with a man because you believe he will change for you because of love?

Who cares whether you are married or not? Who cares whether you have an "ideal" family where there must be a husband and children? What if you can create an external picture of a family to everyone else (meaning nice house, nice cars, "perfect" husband and "perfect" children) while you feel hollow, shallow, empty, broken and lost inside? Isn't it just like human beings living on Earth but pretending that they are living in the moon every day we wake up in the morning? Ladies, snap out from that illusion of the "happily ever after" fairy tale picture because life is full of ups and downs and at the end, you can only be content and at peace within yourself when you let go of that unrealistic, one dimensional fairy tale happily ever after dream. The fairy tale is just an escape of the reality because of that sense of emptiness we all have. Why do we women let the word marriage and coupling control our life is my question? Is it because of our parents? Is it because of the society? Is it because of the magazines/media that promotes coupling and marriages (imagine how much you are supposed to spend in a wedding?) What is the point to create that picture when it becomes unrealistic, at the end we human beings become empty inside?

This book kicks "He's not that into You" firmly in the crotch. Thank the Good Lord that someone finally did.

The first chapters explain why it's a bad idea for women to have casual sex. DUH!!! For me and my friends, this is as true as the sky is blue. Having sex like a man is a myth. I cannot fathom why people are watching "Sex and the City" and believing it. Ian Kerner, the author, explains in scientific terms why it's not likely for women to have sex that is casual as well as enjoyable. He goes into hormones, the way other mammals act, etc. This book suggests that having "sex like a man" is UN-empowering, despite what your local commando feminist might say.

Note to the audience: For those readers who are squeamish about sex and masturbation, the first couple of chapters are going to be uncomfortable. If you're not having sex, this book is probably not useful for you. Also, if you have problems finding a guy, this book is not for you. However, if you find that you are dating guys that you're not that into, this book is for you. Also, if you're a parent and your daughter is going away to college, I'd recommend this book for your daughter. It might keep her away from the frat houses. Believe me, it happens, and it's better for her to get a good whiff of reality before she is out on her own.

The second and third couple of chapters explain why you should not seriously date someone who you're not that into. I don't think that these chapters are as good as the first, but I identify with dating people who I am not that into. It's a waste of time. You know from the very beginning that you're not going to marry them, and spending time by yourself is so much more enjoyable and empowering.

Overall, I think that this book is a four star book, but I am giving it five simply because it kicks some butt.

Okay now I admit it, I read both of these books even though they were written for women. I had seen Greg Behrendt on Comedy Central and thought he was really funny and at first I thought He's Just Not That Into You was a parody of a relationship book. But then I saw him on Oprah and I realized that he was serious about this stuff. And that pissed me off, because it makes every guy who doesn't call or every guy who says he has to work a liar. Well I'm a really shy guy and I never would have met my current girlfriend if she hadn't called me and pursued me. I know that sounds like breaking the rules, but I really want to say that there are lots of guys like me who appreciate it when a woman calls and respect when a woman doesn't play games and lets her intentions known. It's just stupid to think we live in a world where guys always have to do the chasing. And so even though Be Honest clearly wasn't written for me, I appreciate that the author didn't make all men out to just be simple cartoon characters. Relationships are complicated, and so are men.

My dating life sucks and I wasn't looking for yet another dating book. He's Just Not That Into You bummed me out, and I definitely wasn't interested in this one. I got it in a goody bag at a Girls Night Out event and I wasn't going to read it. But then I picked it up and I read the whole thing on a Sunday afternoon. It's going to sound corny, but I laughed and cried, because I saw so much of myself in the writing.

As a single woman I'm so sick of tired of books that say don't call, here are the rules, here's how to play a game. Thank heaven this book doesn't say that, and lets modern women know that feminism really did happen and wasn't just a tv show. if we all lived our lives according to he's just not that into you, we'd all be sitting home waiting for the phone to ring instead of being confident.

I actually picked this book up for a girlfriend of mine whom I have seen go through this cycle of meeting men at bars, sleeping with them, telling me they weren't that great (which was true) and then obsessing and being miserable if they don't call her. She even recognizes that the guys are not right for her and does not know why she obsesses. I have seen so many single girlfriends go through this and I just have not understood it!!! These are smart, attractive, fun women with good jobs and a good life. Why do they act so desperate? The message of this book is to find your integrity and respect yourself - this will empower you to live your life and not define yourself by a relationship you do or do not have. Don't waste your time with men that are not what you want! Focus on you and what you want to do in life. Only then can you really find a healthy, lasting relationship. I am in the midst of a divorce and this book helped me realize that one of they key reasons it did not work is because I was not that in to him to begin with and lowered my standards because I WANTED to get married - EXACTLY as the author describes! I became an emotional contortionist trying to make it work. And even though with my divorce not finalized, I am not yet on the dating treadmill, this book convinced that I don't even want to go there!!! Thank you!!!

Completely useless to women in their 50s or over 45 --- the book appears to be written for college students and 20s+ whose relationships are primarily based on sex and who have a huge reservoir of available mates from which to choose. It's emphasis upon self-respect is fine.... but the author has no understanding of (nor does the address) the realities of the over 50.

This book is definitely a reminder (wake-up call) for women. Parts of the book "He's not that into you" is very unrealistic. This book however states the reality. It is concerned with how women feel and explains why certain things are ok and acceptable. GREAT READ... GO BUY IT!