My first episode of deep anxiety came upon me when I was 18 years old. There was much I didnt realize about myself, namely, that I had a far more sensitive conscience and a very powerful sensibility to right and wrong that my lifestyle was at deeps odds with. For 3 days I did not sleep, eat or have a moment of peace. Pure panic would not leave, ebbing and flowing in terrible ways. I thought this was perhaps what losing ones mind felt like and that a hospital was the next step for me. There was an immense amount of self-pity and if-onlys that moved through me. More than all else, no one could understand what I was saying. I would use words like anxiety and see people try to access stressful moments in their life only to realize they had no idea what this felt like.
Over the years these episodes have continued and for so long I used modern terminology to describe them, such as major depressive episode and other DSM terms. I would spend days and days searching the internet, reading blogs, articles and more and NEVER NEVER finding anything that sounded like what I was going through. I heard a lot about disorders, like GAD and it all pointed to mental illness. I have tried to avoid anti-depressants my whole life as wish to see if this pain has a purpose, and I do not wish to block it, but recently had decided to begin on a series due to how exhausted I was with a recent episode that has been on and off for a month. For so long I waded through my sub-concious, sought therapy, dug into my childhood, analyzed and analyzed and analyzed everything desperate to discover the cause and the root of this demon within. Just when I felt like I understood something, some new aspect of the problem would present itself and it was all back to the beginning.
For me, I never related to the panic attacks that I heard a lot about. There seemed to be a blurred line, but I never felt like I was dying, or like my heart was going to explode. I had cold sweats, and racing pulse, and heart beating out of my chest, but it lasted for hours, not minutes and panic attacks didnt sound like what I had, although MENTALLY I was in a full on panic often. This book clarifies the difference and the reasons why they are the same.
I offer this story because I believe after reading this book, that I was never alone. Due to the complexity of terms now and the fact that so much is simply labeled mental illness and disorders there is no help to be found for FACING our problems and our anxiety, just new ways to label things and new medications to help us not feel. The truth is that often times those who suffer from this illness are beautiful souls who feel the depth of beauty in this world more acutely than many others and this sensitivity is why they love so deeply, feel the pain of others as if it were their own and why they are the poets, artists, dreamers, inventors, who taste the stuff of God in every breath, yet these powers when out of balance can create madness and chaos because of our sensitivity. Understanding that this illness is all about the sympathetic nervous system being out of balance and fueled by thinking patterns that are destructive was huge for me. To learn to let a thought float, to accept it, and pass through it, no matter how uncomfortable it was was pure poetry to understand.
This book stands apart from ANYTHING else I have yet found. I am sure there is other useful material out there, but please get this book if you struggle with any kind of deep anxiety. We know how much this can hurt, and how it can be truly living hell to endure. Please begin the process of getting the help you need from a doctors whose life work lives on in each of us. Her love is plain, her concern so deeply felt even in the way she writes. She knows what it is to endure this, somehow she knows and more than this she gives the way out for those who are able to realize the truth of her words.
You are not alone. Remember it is often your beauty which can turn too deeply inward and creates over-sensitivity which when met with a serious problem/conflict can result in a nervous explosion. This is the way out, along with love from others, and the help of God where faith is already in place.
