Customer Reviews

Hospital Massacre [VHS]

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1 star:		(2)

 

 

Hospital Massacre is actually a pretty decent little horror movie, but we'll get to that. First, we have to talk about the film's star, Barbi Benton. Let's face it - what with the crazy disco look and the remnants of unwashed hippie fashion floating around, there just weren't that many good-looking women around in the 1970s and very early 1980s. Barbi Benton was one of the exceptions - even I knew that, dumb, cootie-fearing little kid that I was at the time. Nobody wore those short denim shorts like Barbi did during her years on Hee Haw, and Mr. Roarke didn't have to tell everyone else to smile whenever Barbi Benton emerged from "da plane" for a guest appearance on Fantasy Island. It's not hard to see why she was such a favorite of Playboy's Hugh Hefner. The girl clearly had it going on, and she wasn't a bad actress, either. If I had been making a horror film back then, Barbi would definitely have been on my short list.

Here, she plays Susan Jeremy, a woman who goes to the hospital to pick up her test results and finds herself in some kind of Twilight Zone nightmare. First, her doctor is a complete no show; then, after she sweet talks an intern into getting her test results, he escorts her to another doctor who subjects her to what looks to be a pretty humiliating physical exam of his own (although it's hard to blame the guy for wanting to get his hands all over a naked Barbi Benton); before she knows what's happening, she's confined to a bed in some kind of general ward full of loonies wondering what kind of bad news the medical staff is keeping to themselves. Long before she actually witnesses her first murder, though, she's figured out that she is perfectly healthy and that some nutcase is responsible for all of these medical shenanigans. That doesn't help her all that much, though, when she's strapped down to a gurney and the killer comes calling.

We, the audience, know what is going on here, although we don't necessarily know which character happens to be the killer. Back when she was young, Susan had a little admirer who left her a valentine at the door, then watched through the window as she and a boy I presume to be her brother had a good laugh about his ickiness and obvious stupidity - it would be the last laugh the boy would ever have. Now, you would think having a violent murder on your record would preclude you from getting into medical school, but that's apparently not the case. I'm a little ashamed to admit that the killer's identity came as a surprise to me, though. Maybe I was too busy looking at Barbi's "assets" because there is at least one huge clue that all but identifies the guy early on.

Summing things up, it's clear that Hospital Massacre (also known as X-Ray, Ward 13, and Be My Valentine ... or Else) has a pretty good litany of things going for it: a reasonably tight story, a decent amount of blood and guts, and a naked Barbi Benton. If that's not enough to make you want to watch this film, you'd better just stick to your sensitive dramas like The Bridges of Madison County.

"Hospital Massacre" is a pretty low aiming shot in the mid 1980's slasher stakes, and it has so many crappy moments in it that you should have a good laugh while watching it. Basically, glamour model Barbi Benton plays Susan Jeremy, a woman who pops into hospital for some routine test results only to find that she can't get out again. This is because a maniac with a serious grudge against her is blocking all escape routes and won't stop until he gets what he wants!

Now let me say that the film isn't all bad, but what really doesn't work is the hilarious implausibility of the "situation" that Susan finds herself in. As soon as the killer knows she is in the hospital, he plants some bogus test results in her file, and from this point onwards all the other hospital staff treat Susan like a dangerous and/or mentally deranged powderkeg who must be detained at all costs. Thus we see a perfectly normal woman forced into straps and restraints, slammed into locked wards, subjected to humiliating examinations and, of course, in between all that she's being pursued by a masked killer. Now the film makes quite good use of the hospital location for some good murders, but this supposed inescapability I just did not swallow. Anyway, for even more fun, let me list a few of the really outrageous goofs this film thinks it can get away with.
Susan actually leaves her boyfriend in the car waiting while she pops into the hospital for "a few minutes". Amazingly, several hours go by and darkness falls before he even comes to look for her! Next watch out for a side-splitting scene when Susan hides behind a portable screen on wheels just inches away from the killer. Watch as she drops a lighter on the floor and retreives it with her foot while the killer stares right at the screen without out seeing anything. The screen even has about 12" of space below it where Susan's legs can clearly be seen. Oh sorry she also pulls the material aside to peer through the screen at him, and he doesn't see that either. Next watch for the notorious examination scene where Susan is stripped naked and felt up all over by a doctor in a supposedly sinister fashion. NO WAY would this ever be tolerated or handled in such a sleazy manner in a real hospital. Plus, save your breath for the scene in which a fleeing Susan bursts into a room full of patients in traction, who all spring to life and writhe their tethered, bandaged bodies around like it's a scene from some kind of purgatory. Why? I don't know. There's no reason at all for this shot, expect to put something bizarre to look at into the running time.

I'll say this though, Barbi Benton is not bad in the role of Susan. She screams well enough and is attractive to look at throughout. Shame that the script gives her so many stupid, dumb things to do and never once is there a moment when she decides to just leave the building (it's not a prison, fer crying out loud).

Luckily the murders are pretty good fun and the general looniness of the whole thing definitely makes it fun. Just forget logic and you'll enjoy it.

I first saw this "classic" during a Horror Movie festival hosted at my house in 1986. Out of all the films that were shown that night. This movie is the one that stood out. You have to check your brain in at the door and enjoy the ride. Bad acting, hilarious story, and some of the most memorable lines in a horror film. Watching the killer breating heavily through the surgical mask after he kills his prey speaks volumes!
You can't take this movie seriously. It's not "Gone With The Wind" folks! It's a 80's classic slasher film with no budget! But a barrel of laughs!

'Hospital Massacre' (a.k.a. 'Be My Valentine, or Else!', 'X-ray', and 'Ward 13') was released in 1981. I originally saw this movie at the drive-in when it was released. Back then I used to go to the drive-in regularly during the Summer and would get to see three or four horror movies in one night. As you could well imagine quite a few of those movies were slasher flicks. Considering all the bad movies I saw at the drive-in, this one stands out. 'Hospital Massacre' was directed by Boaz Davidson ('The Last American Virgin'), and is a name I never forgot after having seen this movie. This movie begins with a prelude (so common in slasher films) in which a young girl and boy are in a home on Valentine's Day as the girl opens a Valentine card left for her by the boy standing, unknown, outside the window looking in. She and the boy realize who it is from at start laughing at the thought as the boy outside the window is humiliated and angered. She leaves the room for a moment and comes back to find the boy she was with has been murdered. Fast forward several years and the girl is now played by Barbi Benton as an adult. If you think she had problems as a child wait until you meet the incompetent bunch of doctors with which she has to deal. She has had x-rays taken and somebody has switched them to make it appear as though she is very ill and needs surgery. Now some truly incompetent doctors who cannot read x-rays that are obviously not hers (I mean it is blatantly obvious) want to perform surgery without even a confirmation of the x-rays. As it turns out, one of the doctors is the boy who killed her friend when she was a child (as though that was not obvious), although he does run around wearing a surgical mask and wielding a scalpel effectively hiding his identity (not). This movie suffers from lack of originality in a formulaic script in which you will see the next plot device coming from a mile away providing it has not put you to sleep before then. There is humor provided by poor special effects (a doctor is stabbed through the head with a pick that is clearly bouncing on a shoulder mount device as he is sliding down the wall). The doctors are obviously concerned with cleanliness as one preps for surgery by washing his hands with regular bar soap, turns the water off by hand, and dries them with a towel that was already hanging there. No expense is spared (I mean provided) for the soundtrack music which consists of people chanting "He sees her." repeatedly. There is an occasional effective scene but they are few (one has the killer chasing a nurse holding a sheet in front of him blocking the hallway), however, this is rendered ineffective by so many scenes that do not deliver (it is pretty bad when you can make a topless examination of Barbi Benton dull). Davidson went on to direct some effective movies. 'Horror Hospital' is not effective and makes one wonder if they may have intended it to be a parody that unfortunately went wrong.-Bob

Yet another hospital slasher I got to see if it would be anything like "Halloween 2". The other had been "Visiting Hours", which sucked, but looks like Citizen Kane compared to this. "Hospitl Massacre" opens up with a pathetic flash-back scene, that is soppoused to take place in 1961, but everything looks exactly as if it were 1981. It's valentines day, and a boy and girl are playing with a train. All the while, another boy is watching them through a window. He has a thing for the girl, and leaves a valentine for her. She finds it, and the two kids start giggling when they see who signed it. The girl goes in the kitchen for a piece of cake, goes back in the living room, and finds her little boy-freind dead. Ten years later in 1981, and the little girl is grown up, played by Barbi Benton. She goes to the hospital for a check-up or something, and yadda, yadda, yadda, she had trouble getting out, and a killer's on the loose inside. I admit im not fully qulaified to write this review, becuase I never even finished watching it, becuase it was so bad. I wouldin't reccomend it, but for the fellows out there, there is about an hour long "examination" scene, in which Barbi Benton is fully undressed, and is told by a doctor to "breathe in, breathe out". A complete waste of time.

I would watch this movie over and over just for the scene with beautiful Barbie lying fully stark naked on the examination table being groped by a demented doctor. Makes me wish I went to med school.