House Rules: A Memoir [Hardcover]

Rachel Sontag (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 25, 2008

A memoir of a father obsessed with control and the daughter who fights his suffocating grasp, House Rules explores the complexities of their compelling and destructive relationship as Rachel fights to escape, and, later, to make sense of what remains of her family.

--This text refers to the Kindle Edition edition.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Sontag, a doctor's daughter, grew up in a family that seemed every bit the normal, suburban ideal. She and her sister were raised to value book smarts as well as worldly experience. What those outside of the family didn't know was that the reason Sontag was so accomplished and committed to her extracurricular activities was that she would've done anything to get away from her father, Stephen. By enforcing a peculiar system of rules and consequences, he micromanaged every moment of her life, tape-recording her conversations, measuring the length of her fingernails and locking all the phones in a safe when he left the house. When Sontag broke the rules, regardless of circumstance, he would verbally abuse her for hours, dictating letters of apology from her to him (I am a selfish, rotten, worthless brat, etc.). Sontag's mother, Ellen, reneged on plans to divorce him for years, perhaps partly because Stephen prescribed her into complacency with lithium. In adulthood, Sontag found herself caught in self-defeating patterns that smacked of her father's thrall. Struggling to break free, she even resorted to homelessness before finally severing her relationship with Stephen. Sontag's is a brave account, not only of what it's like to take the brunt of an abusive parent's wrath, but of what it means to have the courage to leave. (Apr.)
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From School Library Journal

Adult/High School—Viewed from the outside, Sontag's Illinois childhood was stereotypically American upper middle class—a physician father, social-worker mother, two girls, a house with a yard and a dog. Behind that facade, Sontag says, was a dysfunctional family ruled by a man who consistently berated, humiliated, and bullied his children and his wife. Particularly onerous were the "middle of the night" sessions, wherein Rachel was summoned downstairs for yet another recitation of her failings that ended only when she admitted to being a selfish, negligent rule-breaker. She rails against her father's obsessive and "sick" conduct, yet seems especially angry with her mother, whose weakness she finds repellent. Only by physically removing herself from the household could she begin to achieve independence, repair her self-image, and, eventually, come to terms with parents she could neither live with nor change. Some may find her self-pitying and will question her precise quotation of conversations that occurred years ago. Yet her book is a memoir; it does not pretend to be anything other than what it is: one daughter's perspective of life under a man who, in her eyes, chose to play the role of despot rather than that of loving and forgiving husband and father. Readers in similar circumstances may gain comfort from seeing the author's eventual independence.—Dori DeSpain, Fairfax County Public Library, VA
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

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Product Details

• Hardcover: 261 pages
• Publisher: Ecco; First Edition edition (March 25, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0061341223
• ISBN-13: 978-0061341229
• Product Dimensions: 8.2 x 5.8 x 1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 15.2 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (67 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #364,316 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

26 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Compelling and Intense, May 9, 2008

By 

K. McPherson (NY, NY United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: House Rules: A Memoir (Hardcover)

Rachel has written a deeply personal and heart-wrenching account of her childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood. It isn't a "poor me" sob story, rather a truthful and self aware memoir. We're lucky to be able to read it, and I look forward to more from this talented author.

39 of 43 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars The long shadows of the terror at home, May 3, 2008

By 

Paul Allaer (Cincinnati) - See all my reviews
(VINE VOICE)    (TOP 500 REVIEWER)    (REAL NAME)   

This review is from: House Rules: A Memoir (Hardcover)

When I saw the inner-flap of this book, I got a sense of dread, yet I also felt compelled to pick this up. Indeed, the topic of this book, namely how a control-obsessed father "ruled" this family of 4 (wife and 2 daughters) is the stuff that you simply can't make up.

In "House Rules" (272 pages) first-time author Rachel Sontag shares what it was like growing up the oldest daughter in a family where Dad for whatever reason had this impulse to control every aspect of life of his wife and 2 daughters, into the extreme, and Mom simply stood by and did very little or nothing about it. The author shares an anecdote in which Mom pretends to be going around the house to feed the dog but instead sneaks into Rachel's bedroom. "'Dad is recording your phone calls. You might want to watch what you say.' I closed my eyes for a moment, in the hopes that I was imagining her standing there in my bedroom. [...] I sat up in bed. 'DO YOU SEE IT'S SICK YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THIS?' I asked. Mom held her fingers to her lips, shut my bedroom door." Wow.... And that is just one of many, many instances that the author relays to us in this painful-to-read memoir.

The sad thing is that the author bears the psychological scars of this for the rest of her life, of course exemplified by the very fact that she feels compelled to write about it, all these years later. Indeed, in the "Acknowledgments", the author ends the book with this: "Love and thanks to my entire family. I know this subject is personal, I just didn't know how to live without sharing it". The long shadows of a very painful past...

22 of 23 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars A powerful and insightful story on family dynamics, June 5, 2008

By 

Bearman (Washington, DC United States) - See all my reviews

This review is from: House Rules: A Memoir (Hardcover)

Rachel Sontag's story of her controlling and mentally abusive father initially only scratches the surface of how crushing and devastating one person's behavior can be on an entire family. But over years, it becomes more and more obvious that whether or not intentional, his behavior fractured and ultimately shattered the family dynamic. He affected not just his personal relationships with family members, but the relationships that his wife and daughters had with each other. "House Rules" is a book about the strength of overcoming such a negative environment and discovering that growing up can provide us the freedom we need to explore self-identity. A great read.