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The Housewife Assassin's Handbook (A Funny Romantic Mystery) (Housewife Assassin Series 1) [Kindle Edition]

Josie Brown
4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (909 customer reviews)

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Book Description

Murder, suspense, sex—and some handy household tips.

***Buy THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN’S HANDBOOK now, before it reverts to the regular price of $3.99!***

"Josie Brown writes with all the secrets, sex, money and scandal of an OK! Magazine cover…Truly entertaining reading." -- Jackie Collins

- Every desperate housewife wants an alias. Donna Stone has one…and it happens to be government-sanctioned.

- She earned it the hard way: her husband was killed the day she delivered her third child.

- To avenge his death, she leads a secret life – as an assassin.

- But espionage makes for strange bedfellows – and brings new meaning to that old adage, "Honey, I’m home…"


PRAISE FOR THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN’S HANDBOOK:

"This is a super sex and fun read that you shouldn’t miss!” –Mary Jacobs, Bookhounds Reviews

"It’s a fast-paced read, and the gadgets are awesome…The perfect combination of mystery and humour.” – Curled Up with a Good Book and a Cup of Tea

"…The chemistry between Donna and Jack is enough to set water on fire… A healthy dose of humor and ridiculousness in a book that won’t be put down – so go pick it up now!” – Cat’s Thoughts

If you love funny mysteries with savvy, sexy women sleuths, check out THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN’S HANDBOOK!

*******

OTHER FUNNY ROMANTIC MYSTERIES BY JOSIE BROWN:

THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK (Book 1) Every desperate housewife wants an alias. Donna Stone has one, and it happens to be government-sanctions. But espionage makes for strange bedfellows, and brings new meaning to the old adage, "Honey, I'm home..."

THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S GUIDE TO GRACIOUS KILLING (Book 2)
On Donna's to-do list: First, exterminate a rogue operative out to assassinate the newly elected Russian President. Next: file for divorce!

THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S KILLER CHRISTMAS TIPS (Book 3)
'Tis the season for mistletoe...and murder! There will be no peace on Earth if Donna doesn't find a shipping container filled with heat-seeking missiles!

THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S RELATIONSHIP SURVIVAL GUIDE (Book 4)
London. Paris. Guantanamo Bay. Donna Stone is looking for love -- and terrorists -- in all the wrong places. In this fourth full-length novel of The Housewife Assassin series, Donna Stone finds out that breaking up is hard to do. Then again, so is dating a terrorist, let alone eleven of them! Does this make Donna a serial dater, or a serial killer? Worse yet, an old flame gets in the way of Donna's chance for true love. But she doesn't cry...She gets even.

THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S VACATION TO DIE FOR (Book 5)
An NSA scientist has disappeared with a deadly plague virus. Donna and Jack must find him before it is unleashed on Fantasy island. But first they'll have to deal with nude sunbathing serial killer, a Lord of the Flies 'tween takeover, poison-dart throwing pygmies, and a hunt club with the most unusual prey. And you call this a vacation?

THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S RECIPES FOR DISASTER (Book 6)
Donna’s executive mission is crystal clear: stop the assassinations of both US political parties’ presidential candidates. When she discovers she has a long-term vendetta with one of the targets, can she put her animosity aside long enough to save the candidate’s life—and her relationship with Jack?

THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HOLLYWOOD SCREAM PLAY (Book 7)
Lights, cameras and non-stop action await Donna and Jack when they are hired as espionage experts on a movie set. There will be plenty of close-ups, and too many close calls as they use the movie's many location shoots to track down crucial intel needed to take down the Quorum. But nothing—including a lascivious leading lady, deadly stunt doubles, or being on Interpol's Most Wanted list—will stand in their way.


Editorial Reviews

From the Inside Flap

REVIEWS FOR BOOKS BY JOSIE BROWN'S BOOKS

"Secrets, sex, money and scandal...Josie Brown is a skilled observer whose clever dialogue makes for truly entertaining reading." 
--Jackie Collins

"Brown takes a dark look at the fears of parenthood and family... Still, the message from the somber realities is one full of hope: love makes a family, commitment keeps it together."--Publishers Weekly

"The writing is laced with venomous humor..."-The Wall Street Journal

"A fine piece of literary work." -New York Post , Page Six

"If you like Desperate Housewives, then you'll fly through this gossipy novel full of Wisteria Lane-esque characters living in a suburban jungle. Brown entertains up to the satisfying ending." --Examiner.com

"A funny, engaging, and often bittersweet tale..." --Cincinnati Public Library Spotlight Feature

For more on Josie Brown's books, go to her website: JosieBrown.com

From the Back Cover

MORE PRAISE FOR THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN SERIES:
 
"This is a super sex and fun read that you shouldn't miss!" - Mary Jacobs, Bookhounds Reviews
 
"It's a fast-paced read, and the gadgets are awesome...The perfect combination of mystery and humour." - Curled Up with a Good Book and a Cup of Tea
 
  "...The chemistry between Donna and Jack is enough to set water on fire... A healthy dose of humor and ridiculousness in a book that won't be put down - so go pick it up now!" - Cat's Thoughts
 
If you love funny mysteries with espionage and action and adventure--not to mention hard-boiled women sleuths--check out THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK!
 
********
         
OTHER FUNNY ROMANTIC MYSTERIES BY JOSIE BROWN:
 
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HANDBOOK (Book 1) Every desperate housewife wants an alias. Donna Stone has one, and it happens to be government-sanctions. But espionage makes for strange bedfellows, and brings new meaning to the old adage, "Honey, I'm home..."
         
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S GUIDE TO GRACIOUS KILLING (Book 2) 
On Donna's to-do list: First, exterminate a rogue operative out to assassinate the newly elected Russian President. Next: file for divorce!
 
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S KILLER CHRISTMAS TIPS (Book 3) 
'Tis the season for mistletoe...and murder! There will be no peace on Earth if Donna doesn't find a shipping container filled with heat-seeking missiles!
 
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S RELATIONSHIP SURVIVAL GUIDE (Book 4)          
London. Paris. Guantanamo Bay. Donna Stone is looking for love -- and terrorists -- in all the wrong places. In this fourth full-length novel of The Housewife Assassin series, Donna Stone finds out that breaking up is hard to do. Then again, so is dating a terrorist, let alone eleven of them! Does this make Donna a serial dater, or a serial killer? Worse yet, an old flame gets in the way of Donna's chance for true love. But she doesn't cry...She gets even.
  
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S VACATION TO DIE FOR (Book 5)
An NSA scientist has disappeared with a deadly plague virus. Donna and Jack must find him before it is unleashed on Fantasy island. But first they'll have to deal with a nude sunbathing serial killer, a Lord of the Flies 'tween takeover, poison dart-throwing pygmies, and a hunt club with the most unusual prey. And you call this a vacation?
 
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S RECIPES FOR DISASTER (Book 6)
Housewife Assassin Donna Stone's executive mission is crystal clear: stop the assassination of both US political parties' presidential candidates. When she discovers she has a long-term vendetta with one of the targets, can she put her animosity aside long enough to save the candidate's life?
 
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S HOLLYWOOD SCREAM PLAY (Book 7)
Lights, camera and non-stop action await Donna and Jack when they are hired as espionage consultants on a movie set. There will be plenty of close-ups, and too many close calls as they use the movie's many location shoots to track down crucial intel needed to take down the Quorum. But nothing--including a lascivious leading lady, deadly stunt doubles, or being on Interpol's Most Wanted list-will stand in their way.
 
THE HOUSEWIFE ASSASSIN'S DEADLY DOSSIER (Series Prequel)
In this full-length prequel to the series, Acme Industries' black-ops agent, Jack Craig, is tasked with investigating the mysterious death of his organization's most prolific hit man, Carl Stone--only to fall in love the the dead man's wife, Donna--a woman he must never contact, but who may hold the key to her husband's disappearance. When Acme approaches Donna to join their organization as an assassin, Jack's undercover mission changes both their lives forever.

Product Details

  • File Size: 1101 KB
  • Print Length: 231 pages
  • Publisher: Signal Press (May 13, 2011)
  • Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
  • Language: English
  • ASIN: B0050PJZLK
  • Text-to-Speech: Enabled
  • X-Ray:
  • Lending: Enabled
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,282 Free in Kindle Store (See Top 100 Free in Kindle Store)
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
78 of 83 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Super Sexy and Fun Read May 25, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition
MY THOUGHTS
ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT

Donna thinks her husband has a normal job that includes a LOT of travel but it affords her the life she has always dreamed of and then Carl is declared dead while she is at the hospital delivering her third child, she finds out exactly what his job entailed as an assassin. When the money runs out from his job, she finds out the strange truth about what Carl actually did and is drawn in a world of espionage and terrorists. I guess being a mother prepares you for coordinating attacks and being vicious and you can ask anyone who has ever been involved in the PTA. She is hired by Acme Industries as an operative to help counteract the activities of the Quorum and other slime.

So when Donna's "husband" returns to her life, it turns out to be Jack, another Acme operative that wants to use her as a front. She tries to get to the bottom of exactly what happened to her husband. There are more twists and turns in this plot than Mulholland Drive and if you have been in the car with me, just as fast! Her partner in crime is now Jack but Donna can't exactly figure out which side he is on and every time she thinks she has the answer it is wrong. This is a super sexy and fun read that you shouldn't miss!

How do I love this book, let me count the ways:

1. A kick ass woman that can literally kick ass as well as cook and clean. Donna gives a whole new meaning to "taking out the trash".

2. The book is set around Los Angeles, mostly in a gated community suspiciously like Coto de Caza, full of housewives that could be 'real" and for the setting alone, a big giant WIN!

3. Super Sarcasm, snarky dialogue and making fun of all that is wrong in the OC, politics, as well as current world affairs.
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34 of 35 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Careful not to make this mom's hit list March 12, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
The Housewife Assassin's Handbook was a little pulpy, a little campy, and except for one WTH? plot twist, a thoroughly enjoyable read. Think Desperate Housewives with ninja skills and technical support.

It seems that being a mommy and an assassin require similar talents, and it's okay if you can't see the connection--Donna Stone will walk you through it. She manages to juggle her carpool and dispatching international bad guys with a calm detachment...well, with the bad guys at least--if only she could draw on that cool when it comes to dealing with the mean mommies in her posh suburban neighborhood.

What was bad? Well, there is a plot hole or two and the WTH plot twist. But I can get past that last...

What was good? I love this idea--it is so unbelievable in it's ridiculousness that it is amazing. Brown doesn't dance around her story or her characters. There is no apologizing and no half-way in her characters or their actions; she just sells 'em big and over-the-top and it works.

Great rainy day read!
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35 of 38 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Buckle Up! April 19, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
This book will have you staying up past bedtime, sacrificing sleep to see what happens next. It's a fun, funny, sexy, thrill-ride of a read ... Desperate Housewives meet Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yes, you should suspend your sense of disbelief, but you'll do it with a smile on your tired, sleep-deprived face.
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63 of 74 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Charlotte October 8, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
This book is a complete waste of time. Unbelievable plot, unbelievable characters, filthy language, graphic sexual descriptions. One review references 'Get Smart'. I would choose "Three Stooges"-without any laughter. One of the very few reads that I stopped because I would rather wash dishes.
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48 of 56 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars I really wanted to like it October 22, 2012
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
This book requires more than the average amount of suspended disbelief. The CIA hires the widow of a former agent to become a big-time assassin who only strikes during her children's school hours. It's an enormous stretch. The sex is more graphic than necessary, and the plot twists are pretty predictable. But if you go into it thinking more like "Get Smart" and less like "Mr. And Mrs. Smith," it's a fun read. Even though I didn't find the plot or characters particularly complex, I liked the quirky voice in which it was written.
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47 of 55 people found the following review helpful
1.0 out of 5 stars Even though it was free, I paid too much May 25, 2013
Format:Kindle Edition
Not funny, not romantic, and not a mystery, but if you want a ridiculous plot with lots of sex and violence, this is for you
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34 of 39 people found the following review helpful
Format:Kindle Edition|Verified Purchase
I think this is probably Satire. Or at least tongue in cheek. One part of me says hooray for taking all those cliches and making fun of them, giving a fresh twist with predictability. For playing with all that melodrama in the bedroom. The other part of me just groans. When I was finished, I did some research and found that Ms. Brown is widely accepted as a brilliant writer who, does from time to time, write Satire. If this is Satire, it's beautiful. I just wish I'd known it before I invested in my protagonists. Because protagonist One waffles and sleeps with more than one person (not necessarily bad, but the complete emotional swing kina throws ya). And then she wants to eliminate the other protagonist violently (who I happened to like). Wild uncharacteristic emotional swings mixed with making the main protagonist seem stupid just doesn't do it for me. It was hilarious in places though. And I like that the author's note says she had fun writing it. And she's done her research of suburbia and assassin-world. So part of me wanted to give it a four star rating. Funny. Sexy. Satire-y. The other half beat the star rating with a shoe because, even Satire needs a romance and characters you can count on.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book couldn't put it down.
My first book of Josie Brown and absolutely loved it. I plan on reading more of her books.
Published 4 hours ago by Tehya
5.0 out of 5 stars Good read
This is a great book. It is definitely a fun to read. It keeps you in suspense to the very end. It is a humorous mystery story with a twist or two. Read more
Published 8 hours ago by DEPCHF
4.0 out of 5 stars Suburban Humor
Funny, light reading! Great last book of the summer for me. Unexpected twists and enjoyable characters.
Published 17 hours ago by Jan61
4.0 out of 5 stars Four Stars
Silly diversion.
But a quick readable book
Published 1 day ago by WAM
4.0 out of 5 stars A good light read
I enjoyed The Assassin's Handbook very much. The light comedy made for a good read. I look forward to other books by Josie Brown.
Published 1 day ago by mlh
4.0 out of 5 stars Good story, not a lot of surprises.
Enjoyed the book and the humor in the story. Knew the "surprise" ending way before it was revealed. Not sure if I'll keep reading the rest of the series.
Published 1 day ago by P. J. Nagaro
5.0 out of 5 stars Love This Book!
One of the funniest books I've read in a while. Great pacing and a book I couldn't put down. I can't wait to read more from this author.
Published 2 days ago by Avid Reader
4.0 out of 5 stars Entertaining !!!
I found this book to be delightfully entertaining. I plan on reading more of the series.
Published 2 days ago by Melodye G. Stephens
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
I was pleasantly surprised by how much I love this book!
Published 3 days ago by Jamie
1.0 out of 5 stars One Star
Too dirty for me. I did not like it.
Published 3 days ago by Leburta Crockett
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More About the Author

My novels are:
- The Candidate [Steamy Political Thriller; 2013 Signal Press]
- Totlandia/Book 1/Fall [2012, Signal Press]
- Totlandia/Book 2/Winter [2012, Signal Press]
- Totlandia/Book 3 / Spring [2013, Signal Press]
- Totlandia/Book 4 / Summer [2013, Signal Press]
- The Housewife Assassin's Handbook [Book 1; 2011, Signal Press]
- The Housewife Assassin's Guide to Gracious Killing [Book 2; 2012, Signal Press]
- The Housewife Assassin's Killer Christmas Tips [Book 3; 2012, Signal Press]
- The Housewife Assassin's Relationship Survival Guide [Book 4; 2013, Signal Press]
- The Housewife Assassin's Vacation to Die For [Book 5; August 2013, Signal Press]
- The Housewife Assassin's Recipes for Disaster [Book 6; November 2013, Signal Press]
- The Housewife Assassin's Hollywood Scream Play [Book 7: March 2014, Signal Press]
- The Housewife Assassin's Deadly Dossier [Series Prequel; June 2014, Signal Press]
- The Baby Planner[2011, Simon & Schuster]
- True Hollywood Lies [2011 / 2005, Signal Press]
- Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives [2010, Simon & Schuster]

In fact my novel, Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives (Simon & Schuster), is being adapted by producer Jerry Bruckheimer as a dramatic series for television.

Like most authors I know, I'm a voracious reader. My favorite classic authors are Edith Wharton, John le Carre, Martin Cruz Smith, Jane Austen, Graham Greene, P.D. Wodehouse, Margaret Mitchell, Glen David Gold, and Raymond Chandler.

As for contemporary authors, I think that both Martin Cruz Smith and John Le Carre are two of the best writers alive, and I love the writing styles of Helen Fielding, Jackie Collins and Allison Pearson. I think John Lescroart and MJ Rose are amazing, both as authors and author advocates.

I'm a cinephile (I see everything--chick flicks, action films, art house movies, almost every kind of foreign film) and I'm a walker and hiker--anywhere from four to eleven miles a day.

Otherwise, I'M WRITING. Or researching for my next books....meeting the wonderful people who let me know that what I write resonates with them...or hanging out in my fave bookstores (which is any bookstore in any town I happen to be in, at the time).

I've got a sweet romantic husband (who both cooks AND walks the dog, come rain, sleet or flood), and two great funny kids, a boy and a girl. Yeah, I know, I'm lucky, and I should count my blessings. (Believe me, I do!)

I'm also the author of three non-fiction books: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Finding Mr. Right [Alpha/Pearson]; Marriage Confidential: 102 Honest Answers to the Questions Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know [Signal Press]; and Last Night I Dreamt of Cosmopolatans: A Modern Girl's Dream Dictionary [St. Martin's Press]

As a journalist, my celebrity interviews and relationships trends articles have been featured in Los Angeles Times Syndicate International, Redbook and Complete Woman magazines, as well as AOL, Yahoo, AskMen.com, Divorce360.com, and SingleMindedWomen.com

You can connect with me here, or on:

- Facebook Fan Page: http://www.facebook.com/JosieBrownAuthor
- Twitter: http://twitter.com/JosieBrownCA

PRAISE FOR JOSIE'S BOOKS:

The Baby Planner

"Brown takes baby mania to its illogical, hysterical extreme in this bubbly romp....But what begins as a light foray into Bugaboo country turns into something bigger than a satire of status-obsessed Bay Area yummy mummies as Brown takes a dark look at the fears of parenthood and family, with Katie's heartbreaking longing for a child unveiling a disturbing reality about her marriage and family. Still, the message from the somber realities is one full of hope: love makes a family, commitment keeps it together." --Publishers Weekly

Secret Lives of Husbands and Wives

"Josie Brown writes with all the secrets, sex, money and scandal of an OK Magazine cover. Truly entertaining reading."--Jackie Collins, Hollywood Wives

"Josie Brown's writing is whip-smart as well as wickedly funny, and just as you are enjoying the ride she takes you on, she shatters your heart with her insight into modern lives." --Tatjana Soli, New York Times bestselling author and 2011 recipient of the James Tait Black Memorial Prize for fiction for The Lotus Eaters

"Already touted as the perfect summer beach read, this character driven (sometimes steamy) book can best be described as the offspring of an affair between Desperate Housewives and a Jennifer Weiner novel....A quick look into the sometimes catty world of wealth where priorities get shifted, friendships get broken and marriages, like their mansions, get rearranged. It was light and fluffy (with some excellent dialogue.)..." -- GoodHousekeeping.com

"I loved it! Josie Brown captures the highs and lows of love, lust and marriage with heartwrenching pathos. I'm recommending it to all my friends as the perfect beach read!" -- Lisa Rinna, acatress, and author of the novel Starlit



True Hollywood Lies

The tone is confessional, the writing laced with venomous humor..."
--Wall Street Journal

"Brown captures the humor of working for a megalomaniac...[A] well-paced, entertaining story..." --Publishers Weekly

"A fine piece of literary work." --New York Post


Impossibly Tongue-Tied

"Brad, Angelina, Britney and Kevin may want to check out Josie Brown's new novel, Impossibly Tongue-Tied, for its ripped-from-the-headlines plot that mixes their scandals together..." - PAGE SIX, New York Post

Josie lives in San Francisco, California, with Martin and our two children.

Martin, my husband: THE COMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO FINDING MR. RIGHT, and MARRIAGE CONFIDENTIAL: 102 HONEST Answers to the Questions Every Husband Wants to Ask, and Every Wife Needs to Know.



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Why, thank you, Cocoboo! Sorry I just saw your post now. I'm both honored and flattered at the comparison. And yes, the kids do add a whole different dimension to the series. I love the challenge of showing their emotional growth in each book. My warmest regards to you, and thanks for finding me... Read More
Jun 21, 2014 by Josie Brown, author, the HOUSEWIFE... |  See all 2 posts
Who's a better James Bond: Sean Connery, Pierce Brosnan, or Daniel Craig?
I'd have to say as much as I loved all of the men who played Bond, I could never really get into the whole idea of James Bond. That is until Mr. Craig. I think they did a better job with his movies, but I think that had a lot to do with the writing there as well. I think that the writing with the... Read More
Sep 3, 2013 by Amazon Customer |  See all 6 posts
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