Customer Reviews

How Alcoholics Anonymous Failed Me: My Personal Journey To Sobriety Through Self-Empowerment

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(10)

 

 

This book is not nearly as negative as its title suggests. AA is recieving much harsher criticism elsewhere for its coercive use by the courts and other institutions private and public and for its own cult-like stance as being the beyond criticism. You won't get mixed messages from Gilliam's book however. She is only mildly critical of AA and the 12-steps and suggests using bits and pieces of whatever works for YOU. From someone who has been to many AA/NA meetings, treatment programs and read dozens of self-help books, this is one of the few sources that really made me feel good about myself and offered some hope. If you feel that low self-esteem, guilt and shame may be a part of your addiction and that AA only seems to exacerbate it then this book may be for you too.

Despite the title, this is not one of your typical "AA-bashing" books. What we have instead, is one woman's personal story of multiple addictions - food (bulimia), cocaine, and alcohol - and recovery. When she encountered difficulties with the 12-step programs (AA, NA, OA) she struck out on her own path to sobriety.

Mrs. Gilliam does point out problems with 12-step programs and discusses them clearly and rationally. For her, the programs are fear-based (fear of drinking/using again, fear of this "cunning, baffling disease", fear of not working the steps properly) rather than love-based. Not surprisingly, she likens 12-step programs to Christianity and the parent-child relationship - looking for something (someone or some power) outside ourselves for help and guidance, rather than looking within. This is also evident in the sponsor-sponsoree relationship where the sponsoree is always in a subservient position, never reaching equality with one's sponsor. Instead of dealing with her emotions and cravings, her sponsor dealt her orders and slogans - go to more meetings, do a fourth step, "Let Go and Let God". She also realized that when taking a "moral inventory", the only items on that inventory had to be shortcomings, character flaws, and moral defects - no room for any positives. It all added up to a program that left her fearful, dominated by others, powerless, and seeking outside validation.

When 12-step meetings stopped working for her, Mrs. Gilliam embarked on her own program for self- empowerment through meditation, inner spirituality, responsibility for oneself, and love. It seems to have worked for her, and she is smart enough to point out this fact, not claiming it's the only way or that everyone should do exactly as she has.

Parts of this book are a bit too "new-Age-ish" for this 50+ male, with numerous quotes and references to Shakti Gawain and Deepak Chopra, but nicely balanced with others by Charlotte Kasl and Stanton Peele. I'm sure that women would get even more out of this book than I did.

One parting thought that has stuck with me - Mrs. Gilliam refers to herself now as "recovered", rather than "in recovery" (with its' implied lifelong meetings and steps). I like the term and may start considering myself recovered from now on.

It was such a relief to me to find out that there are a LOT of other people out there who don't feel comfortable within the limited confines of the herd mentality of AA and other 12-step programs. I agree that parts of it are sloppily written and indeed whole chapters could have been removed or condensed. Certain chapters were very repetitive (the simplistic message of love, not fear ad nauseam), but it was the book's central idea that spoke to me. Ms. Gilliam, if nothing else, encourages her readers to question and to begin to think for themselves and trust their intuitions and instincts, and by doing so offers them a message of freedom and choice compared to the staunch, unyielding "suggestions" of 12-step groups. I realize now that there are many other avenues I can pursue in my search for COMPLETE recovery, and I intend to follow through on them. But it all started with this book. I recommend it highly for anyone who is sober in a 12-step program and wondering why they're still miserable. They'll find out by the end of the book, and even if they don't, they will at least give themselves permission to begin questioning, which is the real key to knowledge and understanding.

I found this book untidy and sometimes frustrating to read, and felt (like other reviewers) that it could have benefited from the scalpel of a good editor. Also, her "all you need is love" philosophy is simplistic -- it works for her, but it's certainly not the solution for everyone. But I felt that she made an excellent case for the fact (and it is a FACT) that AA's one-size-fits-all approach isn't the only, or even the best, way to handle problem drinking. I don't mean to knock AA; I know several people who have found it literally a lifesaver. But I'm a case in point why AA's definition of alcoholism as a "disease" and the Twelve Steps as the only "cure" is nonsense. I had a drinking problem of long standing: although I was successful in a series of good jobs and had a busy social life, I spent most of my evenings drinking myself into oblivion. This is exactly the behavior pattern that drove some of my acquaintances into AA, but I resisted going because I didn't feel I was in the grip of a "disease." After 17 years of this, I moved to another state, out of reach of my dysfunctional family, and in a physical environment I found energizing rather than depressing. I abandoned a career I hated (and had gone into because of family expectations rather than my own preferences), took a less stressful job, made new friends, improved my exercise habits, and started listening to my own inner promptings rather than letting everyone around me tell me what I "should" be doing. Guess what: my drinking dwindled down to practically nothing (a glass of wine or beer with dinner a couple of times a month), and I haven't had a solitary-drinking binge in years. The "disease" paradigm of alcoholism may apply to some people, but for many of us drinking is a way of rendering an impossible set of circumstances tolerable -- and we'd do better putting our energies into changing those circumstances rather than frittering them away on AA.

I found this book to be very empowering. As the author points out, sobriety is not a "one size fits all" process. We need options and positive solutions, not continuous confirmation that we are defects full of character flaws. (We know that all to well). What if we all made a 'searching and fearless inventory of ourselves' and then wrote a list of our character ASSETS, and then read THAT aloud to another person? This book awakened me to the true power within. Each of us has it, and yet few of us know how to access it. The author has written a positive approach which began my journey to empowering myself, and put me on the path to real and lasting healing.

Marianne Gilliam is not a scientist or a traditional alcoholic. Yet she did nearly ruin her life through substance abuse. But when she was offered AA as the only way out, she floundered more. Somehow, the AA message of powerlessness and self-restriction only contributed to the malaise which got her into trouble in the first place.

Instead, this vibrant human being reconstituted herself according to principles she developed for herself. The insights into the process of self-initiated recovery and resulting self-discovery are passionate and inspiring for all people who may not find the current Rx's for alcoholism and drug addiction to their liking.

Not many authors would have the courage to write a book entitled "How Alcoholics Anonymous Failed Me." Marianne Gilliam has the nerve to attack one of the world's sacred cows and I applaud her for doing so. The fact that this book is incredibly hard to find shows just how intolerant the corporate world is towards 12 step alternatives. The author has given me hope and inspiration that I am not alone in my disillusionment with AA, Alanon and other spiritually based support groups. I particularly found the section on 'when your 12 step program stops working" very helpful. Especially her story about the backlash she recieved upon criticizing AA. I could relate 100% and its nice to see these thoughts in print. My only fault with the book is that it tends to wander a bit and is overly apologetic for its controversial views. Even still, I give it 4 stars simply for its original subject matter. Thanks you Mariann for writing the book I've always wanted to read.

The author may not be an expert in any field, however a look into the mechanism of Alcoholics Anonymous, the organization which is challenged will reveal that no one in the rooms is an expert either. The foundation of the program is one drunk helping another. At least the author is honest enough to tell the truth, unlike many folks in AA who only pretend they know what they're doing.

Ms. Gilliam's profound insight into the alcoholic problem should spell the end for AA!

From as early as I can remember, I was never comfortable in my own skin. I felt rejected by my mom, so at 15, I turned to alcohol. I drank until blackout virtually every time I picked up a drink, often wetting my pants. I wrecked two cars and have been thrown in jail.

The thought of living life without alcohol has been so terrifying that death seemed preferable to life without it. I, too, thought religious people were inherently weak-willed necessitating a belief in a Santa Clause-like God to deal with life's problems.

Gosh, I never realized that I had the choice in self-empowerment; by empowering myself with my mind, one that perceives that I fail miserably to live up to other people's expectations and I beat myself up as a result, I can just start telling myself that I'm worthy, and, in turn, I'll be able to drink successfully!!

I'm so excited at the prospect of self-help and of drinking again!

I never knew how to live life successfully until I went to AA, but now I can live it even more successfully, and drink, too!

Even though my sobriety in AA was free and her book costs money, I see where AA failed me. I'm assuming that your book comes with a guarantee and that if I'm miserable as a result of following your example of self-empowerment, you will refund my misery.

AA has not provided enough: it merely provided me the ability to be comfortable in my own skin and took away my obsession with alcohol. Since I changed into someone who no longer drinks as a result of believing in something other than me, I can rely on myself once and empower myself to drink safely! Yeah!!

The chapter titled "Healing My Pain" has been the strongest positive influence in my life. Like the author, I had grown up seeing others have what I wanted, what I couldn't get, and associating this with personal shame and unworthiness. The chapter helped me to finally understand that I could not prove my worth by doing things because others wanted me to do them. I could become special to myself, if nobody else. Page 203, "All my life I had wanted to feel worthy of love no matter what I said, did, looked like or felt like."

Throughout the book the author advises the reader to respond to intuition, to work with ideas that resonate with them. She allows the reader to disagree, which is helpful to increase understanding in the reader's own life.

The title shocked me initially, but I was attracted to the book because AA's program is so negative. I finally left AA after a meeting when an 18-year member admitted that he still didn't like himself. I knew then I wasn't in the right place. I had already quit drinking on my own (coincidentally on the day of my divorce - how about that??) and tried AA because of their promises of a new and better way of living. Too bad I didn't take the time to seek out more helpful options, too bad that they are not as publicized as AA.