Customer Reviews

How to Argue & Win Every Time: At Home, At Work, In Court, Everywhere, Everyday

5 star:		(59)
4 star:		(18)
3 star:		(12)
2 star:		(9)
1 star:		(9)

 

 

Wow! Alot of folks who have reviewed this book need a hug and a valium (a potent combination I might add).

Let me start by saying that the title of this book is a bit misleading, and intentionaly so. This book isn't about arguing as much as it's about communicating. Mr. Spence useds the word 'argument' in the context that everything we articulate- whether it's a desire to teach , punish, express wants or state an oppinion- is essentialy an argument.

The twist to this little tome is that effective arguing is not a act of selfishness but a labor of love. A good argument is one in which the greatest good is served.

I particularly found the chapter on arguing with kids quite useful. I tend to be quite authoritarian and rule oriented when it comes to child rearing and this little chapter taught me that kids will grow into responsible loving adults without being constantly hovered over and corraled into so called 'correct behavior'. This chapter is worth the price of the book alone.

I recommend this book to anyone who has ever asked for anything in his/her life. Well hell! I must be recommending this book to everyone.

I dont usually review books that have already been reviewed by more than 20 others, but I need to make an exception for 2 reasons. First, this book is MUST reading for anyone on my negotiating team. While I'm not a Gerry Spence fan, his negotiating style is simple, but very powerful. Second, for the benefit of all potential readers, I need to respond to the anonymous MBA from Austin Texas who reviewed this book and said "Bottom line is that I didnt feel any more prepared for negotiating after I read it". I guarantee that anyone with negotiating responsibilities who does not get something out of this book is not a very good negotiator. Even if you don't want to mimic Gerry's style, at some point in your business career, you're bound to run into someone who negotiates the way Gerry Spence does. If you don't at least understand what's going on, and how to respond in kind, you're doomed to lose that negotiation. If, after reading this book, you feel like you didn't get anything out of it, either reread it or choose another profession.

Books with grandiose titles like this usually keep me from reading them (Hello publisher's marketing department!). A friend of mine recommended that I read this book, and I was glad that I did.

yes, many of Spence's political views (along with my own) are left of center. But it's the PROCESS that this book is all about.

I re-read this book a number of time. This book has helped me to become a better therapist (in fact, this is a book that I recommend in my workshops on using metaphor in psychotherapy). If you are a Jungian or otherwise interested in stories and narratives, this book is a good read.

We are all, in Spence's words, people of the story. All humans love stories, so it only makes sense to incorporate stories into our arguments and discussions (and therapy sessions and legal debates and....)

As I've said, I have re-read this book many times. I particularly enjoy the section on "the power of story" (chp 8?), the section on intuitive speaking and the importance of preparation, and the section on speaking and using your voice.

From the title you might be expecting a book that would teach you how to argue. You won't find it here. You will find some sound advice on how to approach an argument, such as that you will have more success in your argument if you are respectful to the person you are arguing with, and if you try to make the argument from a position where you can find common ground. You will also find some wisdom on arguing in certain situations, for example arguing with at home or with children.

I think the most valuable part of the book is his emphasis of arguing from an emotional perspective. Many people, especially certain groups like men and conservatives, tend to be dismissive of emotional arguments in favor of logical ones. However, Spence shows that emotional arguments are more likely to win than logical ones. The skill of framing a logical argument in an emotional context could be a valuable one.
An important omission in the book is arguing in public. Spence tries to address that, but I have the feeling that Spence has lost the ability to identify with people who have trouble speaking in public and the scanty advice he gives seems ineffective - amounting to "just get over it and do it."

Another drawback of the book is that it contains a fair amount of polemic. So if you're going to find it annoying that Gerry Spence likes to go on tirades about environmentalism and his dislike of bankers you might want to find a different book. I found it distracting from the real purpose of the book.

This is the first "how to" book that I've read that leaves the "how to" to the reader. The book gives a very insightful account of a man who has come very far through the journey of life by basically doing one thing- listening to himself and his feelings and caring enough about others to understand and work with them.

Spence explains his concept of what an argument actually is and gives a truly creative and exciting way to view the whole conflict process. His entire theory of winning an argument is more practical and real than anything I have ever read. This man is among the truly, truly gifted.

The book was well-written, included some good insight into how Mr. Spence wins cases and persuades people to give him a chance. It really is a study in human psychology, both by the one making the argument, and of the one receiving it.

What frustrated me was Mr. Spence downplays logic, when an emotional argument works better. Basically, use logic if it applies, but don't overdo logic, and avoid it if it destroys your argument. I'm sure he's right, but it saddens me that people are swayed when logic isn't a part of the argument.

It becomes clear early in the book that Mr. Spence dislikes conservatives and businesspeople. He lumps all businessmen as cold, unfeeling bastards who will try to fire anyone who affects their bottom line...usually at Christmastime. One sees clearly that Mr. Spence likes to use appeals to emotion (logical fallacy) and hasty generalizations (logical fallacy) abound. False dichotomies (logical fallacy) are presented time after time, like this famous quote:

"I don't know about you, but I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief." pg. 95.

Of course he implies that his (Gerry's) mind, while closed to religious belief, is as open as a cargo door. It also implies that those who acknowledge God's existence are then closed-minded. This presents only two options when there are many.

If you'd like to read a book on persuading people, using psychological tricks and you can determine the difference between opinion and fact, this is a good choice. Look out for logical fallacies and many pages of rants on child-rearing, religious belief, and the business world however.

After reading the book, I then read the negative responses from the reviews posted here - which were as the book predicted. Of 10 that I read, some had constructive ideas but it appeared to me that most negative readers skimmed the book, jumped to conclusions and put words in the author's mouth he didn't say (or took them completely out of context). You never heard anyone do that before, right? For example, one reader opinion of "bad" was:

1. Words are virtually irrelevant- the tone conveys your message.
2. The truth can be found in emotions, not logic.
3. You can win every time merely by denying your opponent your permission to beat you.

In regard to #1, Garry never said "words are virtually irrelevant". He point out that "besides the facts, listen for the tone and try to determine also what is NOT said". In regard to #2, Garry didn't say that either: he pointed out that logic + the human emotional side gives a better picture; sometimes in STORY form". In regard to #3, this is utter rubbish since Garry throughout his book talks about times when winning is sometimes losing (to a loved one) or in other places, winning can be a tactful withdraw and winning sometimes is simply listening. In another place, Garry points out that "unless the other is willing to dialogue, then the argument is pointless". The "permission" mentioned by the reader is taken totally out of context when Garry said "power, real or imagined is what we (mentally) give to the other".

This reader calls himself a "non-liberal". Well, I'm a conservative (for 56 years), still am, and have big ears for liberal spin and prejudice which Garry so well describes as "a room piled to the ceiling with junk...so when you open the door, all their junk comes crashing down on you", unquote. In reading some of these reviews, I got clobbered with junk. I guess that's why we have 12 jurors (hint).

I liked Garry's real-world examples through the book as opposed to the theoretical I leaned in academia. It made me think about the saying "walk a mile in another man's shoes". To see things beyond my assumptions and fact-less conclusions. A better title for the book would be "the art of persuasion" however, to a lawyer, the word "argument" has a different meaning. He also has a great sense of humor in the book, ie: "in regard to prejudice, I'm opposed to all racists and bigots --- except those who I agree with". I agree more with Garry than I disagree (and isn't that the point of a philosophical mindset?)

If you are a philosopher at heart and are beyond the zit-nose kid that's quick to trash someone over a single point, then I'd recommend an excellent book "The Great Thoughts" by George Seldes which is a scholarly compilation of quotes from all the famous and infamous who shaped the world from Aristotle to Zola. As I read Garry's book, many of these quotations came to mind.

This book changed my life. I had all these thoughts wondering in my head, and Mr. Spence displayed them out on paper in such a wonderful story manner. Anyone who knows anything about people skills, will know the importance of presenting thoughts in a story form. People love stories, they feel for stories, and most of all, they remember stories. This is an important point in Mr. Spence's book. His stories are sensational with compelling arguments. This is not a miracle book that can make an antisocial person into a great orator. You must have some ablity to convey your message. And if you do, this is the book for you. It can change your life. You will see others arguments in a different light. The best argument lets the winner win, without allowing the loser to truly lose. I love this book, just read it, you'll see.

Gerry Spence, the face you see on TV almost every time the initials "O.J." come up, has proven himself endearing to juries, and to television viewers, as the down-home country lawyer. Even among attorneys (I am one) he is something of a mythical figure. But this book shows him as something of a confused rambler. I DID get much valuable information about how to look for what other people want when negotiating, but I did NOT get "how to argue and win every time." I DID get the impression that Spence needs help, though.

I bought this book hoping to learn a tried and true method to win arguments. I found what I was looking for and so much more! This book helped me become a better person because it showed me how to be a good person. The whole world tries to tell you that "good people finish last". Mr. Spence, as a splendid foot soldier, tells us that he has found a fulfilling life in doing the right thing, in the face of oposition and in the full confidence that he would succeed. Lucky for us he did! Read this book and welcome yourself to your own future!