49 of 53 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Excellent for self analysis and relationship analysis, October 25, 2006
[Update: As another reviewer has noted, "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" and "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" are the same books with different titles.]
Given that a choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important influences on a person's quality of life, you would think that people would want to know all there is to know about making that choice. So, what's wrong with just falling in love and getting married?
According to Van Epp, people are at their best before they get married--and how happy you are when you are dating is the ceiling for how happy you can be in marriage. Don't expect it to get better.
The relationships between each individual and their parents strongly influence a couple's relationship after the wedding. This new way of relating within the relationship kicks in after the marriage begins--when the role is no longer lovers and best friends, but husband and wife. So, you are marrying the person who relates to their parents in a certain way, and that way strongly influences the way that person will relate to you. Van Epp shows how one can explore this before marriage and possibly change the dynamic.
Although the book is titled so that you would think that it is about not marrying a jerk, it is and it isn't. There is a part that says people have a code of what is right and wrong and an enforcer of that code within them. Some people may have an enforcer that is inactive or hardly involved. Some people may have a code that is unacceptable. Some people may have a great code of ethics and standard of behavior, but never make themselves follow it. I suspect that those who have a bad code of acceptable behavior or a bad enforcer of a good code would be considered jerks.
This book great for substantive analysis of yourself and your relationship and addressing important things before marriage and going into marriage with reasonable expectations. Being in love doesn't change the fact that the families you and your partner are different and have different world views. The family of origin strongly affects us and our partner, and the expression of that comes out more clearly after you say "I do". If you come from a family that is frugal and I come from a family that spends money freely, our coming together may give each of us a different view of the other; you may think I am wasteful and I think you are stingy. Add some more family attitude differences that each of us has absorbed, and in marriage what happens if it is not addressed satisfactorily? What if in my family we were open and affectionate and in my partner's family people were closed and withdrawing? During courtship we will naturally both behave as we think healthy people should behave to continue to attract each other. Van Epp wants us to explore our own and our partner's family history because, as Van Epp suggests, your partner is the second edition of their parents. So that would make us the second edition of our parents as well.
So this book is not just about "jerks"; it is also about issues that should be understood and addressed before contemplating marriage with someone.
Don't get engaged before three months because it takes three months for important patterns to emerge. Until you see patterns you are just guessing--and patterns take time.
Van Epp believes that we should do things in this order: Know Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. He wants us to never trust a person more than we know them, never rely on them more than we trust them, never be more committed to them than we are able to rely on them and never advance physical intimacy further than our level of commitment makes appropriate.
There is a lot of intelligence in this book and great conceptual tools for analyzing yourself and your relationship. I own scores of books on relationships and I think this is the best book of its type for both the depth and breadth it covers.
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36 of 42 people found the following review helpful:
3.0 out of 5 stars
Great advice for singles--and married people, too, December 10, 2006
This is one of those books people wish they would have read, but didn't. In my case, I probably could have saved my ex-wife a lot of grief if I'd had this book to give her so many years ago....
Many books provide a list of "10 foolproof steps" at the one extreme (simplistic) or an exhausting checklist at the other. Van Epp takes a different approach. He identifies six general techniques you can use to identify a jerk before you make the mistake of marrying this person. He also provides a tool, called the Relationship Attachment Model (RAM), which has proven itself over many years of application. In fact, the RAM forms the central concept behind applying the six techniques.
One of the problems with self-help books for singles seeking a mate is you have to remain objective to be able to apply the tools, tips, and techniques suggested in the book. Once a relationship is underway, doing that is difficult or impossible. We either filter out negative information and later think, "I shoulda seen that coming" or we ruin the relationship by constantly judging and appraising the other person.
Epps takes these issues head on. First, the RAM allows you to pace the progression of a relationship. Without going into much detail, I'll just say Epps makes a compelling case for the sequence of know, trust, rely, commit, touch that the RAM is based on. And rather than leave us with a simplistic model, he explores its application for all stages of a dating relationship.
Second, Epps provides several case histories on the rose-colored glasses problem that occurs when we proceed too rapidly with our feelings. He identifies why this happens, and provides specific guidelines on how to handle it. I like this much better than the standard approach, which assumes this won't happen if only you will keep your wits about you and stay objective. Most of the self-help dating books fall short of being useful, simply because they don't address reality--in particular, this problem.
Third, Epps addresses the other extreme. I've been a victim of negative assumption, myself. I've said something from which the woman has mistakenly assumed something negative that just isn't true. Epps gives a very good example in a case history that perfectly illustrates how this can happen and how off base the conclusions can be. Epps doesn't say whether men or women are more prone to this kind of assuming.
Will this book assure you of finding the perfect mate? No, and the author doesn't say it will. Will it help you avoid wasting time in a relationship you shouldn't be in? Yes. And it will also help you avoid carrying that relationship to a level it should not go to.
Here's another thought on this book. It isn't something the author decided to do on a whim, and then cranked out so he could sell books at his seminars. It took form over many years. In fact, if not for his wife's prodding (in a non-jerk manner, of course), he might still be working on it.
If you're single, this book can help you prevent grief and heartache. If you're married and having problems, it can help you get back on track.
A final note. Form is important, as it dictates readability. Unfortunately, this book has plenty of grammar gaffes, misused words, and composition errors. So sometimes, the reader has to work at understanding what the author means. In some cases, the author's actual words state something entirely different from what the context would indicate. Still, this book is worth the occasional struggle through such gaffes. I hope a properly edited future edition is in the works. The wisdom, insight, and practical advice in this book are too important to be lost due to these problems.
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22 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Take the risk out of your marital choice!, September 11, 2006
This is the first review I've ever written for a book even though I've been purchasing Amazon books for years.
I'm only half way through this book and I feel compelled to give a positive review for this book. Perhaps I will post another review upon completing it.
You can never be too careful in your premarital preprations. Van Epp gives you the roadmap of what you should look for and how you should proceed down that path.
I recommend this book to every single person who hopes to establish a life-long relationship. It will only serve to help you make a very wise choice.
I plan on recommending this book to all my single friends!
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