Customer Reviews

How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

5 star:		(45)
4 star:		(4)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

I originally sought books to help me get over a man in my life that is still IN my life, but not committed to me. We are the classic "friends with benefits" only he's benefiting more than I am...much more. This book has reinforced in a HUGE way what I already knew but chose to ignore. It teaches us how change IS scary...even if it's healthy change. It's scary because it's what we become to know and feel comfortable with after awhile. It reaches deep into the psyche and shows why we stay in relationships that aren't so healthy. It connects us to our childhood, but not in a crutching sort of manner like some readings which "blame" our current choices all on childhood incidences, but rather shows us why we possibly make some of the decisions that we do.

You won't be disappointed in this book. I had to force myself to put it down and sleep. I read it in two days. I underlined SO many sections that applied to me. This book is a lifetime keeper!!! Get one for you or someone close to you if you feel they need to make some changes in the way they choose relationships in their lives. You (or them) will be happy you did!!!

One warning...It's very truthful. Sometimes when you hear something you dont like, it can have a profound effect. I cried reading this book several times because it talked about my life...my thought processes and my feelings when choosing and staying with a partner.

I bought two books by this author: How to be an adult, and How to be an adult in relationships. Both are excellent.
Even though their titles begin with How to... these are not self-help books.
In this book, the author discusses what love is: giving attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing - the five A's as he calls it. The language used is beautiful, the way the author thinks is inspiring, and you can just feel that he himself is a loving person. No ego-based, "let me tell you how amazing I am" paragraphs here.
The book is valuable as a piece of literature, as a philosophical and psychological work. I reread and contemplated many pages.
The bottom line is this: if you are looking for a quick-fix, feel good book - skip this one. If you are prepared to do the work, if you are not afraid of realization that learning how to love is a life-long process, and are not scared of (as another reviewer put it) big words, this is the book that is worth reading - again and again.

This book moved me enough to actually write this review, not something I would normally do.

I picked this book up in the middle of the night after waking from an anxiety attack about what was happening in my very new "relationship" with a woman whom I had fallen head over heals for, at age 59, and who had just told me she needed space and I needed to deal with some of my issues before we could continue. This book was sitting in her kitchen -- her therapist had recommended she read it -- and I started reading random chapters hoping it would put me back to sleep. Hours later, I realized I had to buy this book because it resonated so clearly and deeply with me.

I have read John Kabat-Zinn's books about mindfulness, and have made periodic, albeit less than whole-hearted attempts at meditating and other forms of mindfulness, but this book put it in a context which had immediacy and urgency to me. It literally helped snap me out of the "ether". Part of its appeal/resonance is its broad inclusions of different forms of pyschological practices mixed with spiritual insights and a lot of sound personal observation of us mortal human beings.

After numerous years of therapy and self-help/self-therapy, this book made me take ACTION to genuinely change, and it has helped me see how/where I need to change, and given me the assurance and comfort to believe that we can indeed change ourselves (though people under 30 might not be able to appreciate this as much until they've had more life experiences to be able to discern the patterns of their life). I have mentioned this book to everyone I know who might be interested, including a few former therapists/counselors. I'm sure I'll be keeping this book close by for a long time.

I bought this book in the midst of confusion as to wether I was going to get married or break off a relationship with a particular person. I am a psychologist and a lover, and an avid reader of self-help and vampire books

A long time ago a friend of mine said to me "BE TRUE TO YOURSELF". Mr. Richo does just that. Feelings of validity and recognition of personal pain flow from this book as you read it and it becomes part of you. This book helped me to make so many decisions and also helped me to gain a lot more self-esteem by making me realize what was happening right in front of my eyes.

I tabbed, underlined, highlighted and starred so many pages, I had friends read shapters to help them with their relationships, and it is amazing the kind of feedback this book gets. Do yourself a favor and check this one out. Pick the parts that you need to read first, and you will gain all that you know withought ever having to read through an introduction or a foward first. The table of contents is thorough and all of your issues are right in front of you. An amazing tool, a great gift, a life-long partner, a second bible.

...our individual lives, all relationships, and the world would be magnificent beyond anything we've so far imagined or believed could be possible. High and deserved praise for this book.

I read this book a few years ago and refer to it time and again to not only remind myself but also to share with friends regarding their relationships. This book is like having multiple books in one. I'd like to write some highlights for you, but the entire book is a highlight. Some samplings, however, of this great book...

"Here are the words of an adult: "Even though you please me sexually, even though we have been together so long, even though I don't know whether I will ever find somone else, I have to let you go because you do not meet me at my soul/adult level." "Here are the words of a codependent: "Because you please me sexually, because we have been together so long, because I don't know whether I will ever find someone else, I can't let you go-- even though you do not meet me at my soul/adult level."

"As adolescents, we were taught that the way to tell we are in love is by our loss of control, our loss of will, and a compelling sense that we could not have done otherwise. This falling in love contrasts with the reality of rising in love with conscious choice, sane fondness, intact boundaries, and ruthless clarity." Referring to the former, Richo adds, "...that kind of reaction is actually a signal from the needy child within, telling us what we need to work on, not directing us to our rescuer."

"Love can be confused with clinging that is welcomed by the other, sexual desire that is satisfied by the other, or neediness that is fulfilled by the other. Love can even be confused with dependence, surrender, conquest, submission, dominance, gratification, fascination, pain, or addiction. I may feel that I love you because you love me, or will not leave me, or will not let me feel lonely, or will not make me feel anything. I may feel I love you and say it with passion when I am mostly reacting to the way my own needs are being met through you. I may say "I love you" and simply mean, " I am attached to you and it feels good."

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It's brilliant and, if you allow, it can serve as a roadmap to loving authentically and being authentically loved beyond what most people know or have the awareness to imagine as being possible. Divorce rates being what they are and the desire, still, to spend our lives with one person who "sees" us, accepts us, and loves us, this book answers the call for how to get it right.

Richo's other books are also brilliant.

Peace.

I bought this book in the midst of a breakup I didn't understand, and which saddened me beyond belief. In fact I bought several "relationship" books trying to figure out what was happening; however, this one enriched me the most. My boyfriend ignored all of my requests for a "talk" about what was going on after he decided to end it, despite his claim that it was the best relationship he had. At first I blamed his fears about committment and unwillingness to work through conflict and build a life with a partner, something I thought we both wanted. Reading this book, I came to realize that his desire to end the relationship runs much deeper than "we have to break up because I'm moving," and that his actions are most likely rooted deep in his subconcious, which is telling him that he is unworthy of love. This book also helped me crystalize my own set of motives that I brought to the relationship and helped me see what I did and didn't do based on my own set of values and "issues." There are excercises to help you weed out your patterns in terms of relating to people.

It's written with an incredible amount of insight about the nature of relationships, the partners we pick, the psychological material we bring, and the inevitiable vagaries of what happens when two people are in love. I especially liked that the authors don't "dumb" down the discussion, like so many other books, which address you like you're an eight grader.

I've come to realize that the relationship that's currently dissovling is probably over, as I can't cajole or convince my partner of anything. This book helped me see that we're at two different places in our capacity to give and receive love--and it's FINE for it to be that way. In this way, I've found the peace in my heart to let him go with love, acceptance, and compassion so that he can continue on his own heroic journey that he's mapped out for himself--even if he's chosen to do it alone. In short, this book gave me some of the understanding and relief that I was seeking and helped me accept that the relationship will end without anything being resolved--hard to accept but necessary to move on. Highly recommended--for both gay and straghts--and I know my next relationship will be better because of my having read this book.

Despite the title of "How To...." this book is not a cheesy practice-this-and-the-world-will-be-ok book. It's entertaining, superbly written, and includes several words I didn't know. So in addition to helping me look in the mirror without judgment, it helped me expand my English vocabulary (yes!!!). If I ever wondered how I contributed to the derailment of my past relationships, all I had to do was turn to page xx or page yy and there it was.

Beware though, for the book calls for serious self-examination. Ask yourself this: "Is my ego too big/inflated/vain?" If the answer is yes, save a few bucks for you won't finish it. If the answer is no, then the return on your investment is priceless and rush it to your basket.

I was inspired to read this book by the other comments that I read here and I feel compelled to write my own also. This is one of the most beautifully written books about relationships that I have ever read. For me, at this time in my life (almost 50) it was very poignant and spoke to me at a very deep level. The author writes in such a gentle manner that you feel as though he takes you on a journey of spiritual self discovery. He made me aware of many aspects of my inner self that I was previously completely unaware. It is a very worthwhile and growth producing book for those who are ready to hear what he has to say.

I highly recommend this book. If you are fed up with the unenlightened drone of typical relationship books, then this is the book for you. Topics such as "How to keep your Man/Woman", "The Rules for Dating", "What women/men are really saying" etc will not be found among these easy to read pages. It does not boast a fool proof "12 step method" to becoming an adult in relationships but instead inspires one to take their own personalized steps. Wrapped in its inspiring words I have discovered what love and relationships truly mean for me, and it has become a great resource for becoming a better partner by becoming a more enlightened and peaceful person. Growth of the individual is at the core of this book and I have taken to heart what the author has made available through his well-articulated ideas. I will continue to try to make this mindful philosophy a practicing part of my life.

I am an avid reader and explorer of knowing myself better and growing into becoming a healthy adult. This is one of the best books about learning how to love others and yourself in a healthy way. It takes looking at yourself, your childhood and your needs as an adult. I highly recommend this to anyone in or out of relationship or looking for relationship. Richo is insightful and eloquent!