How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too! [Paperback]

Sal Severe (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: July 29, 2003

In this eye-opening resource, Dr. Sal Severe taps his twenty-five years of experience as a school psychologist and parenting workshop leader to show that a child's behavior is often a reflection of the parent's behavior, and by making changes themselves, parents can achieve dramatic results in their children. Instead of focusing on what children do wrong, Dr. Severe teaches parents to emphasize the positive, to be consistent, and to be more patient. He shows parents how to teach their children to behave, listen, and be more cooperative, and how moms and dads can manage their own anger and prevent arguments and power struggles. Packed with concrete strategies for dealing with homework hassles, ending tantrums, and other common problems, Dr. Severe's empathetic, common-sense book will be welcome everywhere.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

Every parent has nightmares about that moment when their child is refused a request (I want a candy bar, Mommy! Not today, Johnny.) and in response, he falls to the ground, screams, and thrashes about--all in a very public place. Mortified by this tantrum, Mommy might be tempted to give in, buy the candy bar, end the embarrassing moment, and ultimately behave in a way that tells Johnny tantrums work. There's a better way, says Sal Severe, author of How to Behave So Your Children Will, Too!. His commonsense advice has been culled from his years as an educator working with children with behavior disorders. Many of the anecdotal stories that pepper How to Behave were gathered during parenting workshops that have reached more than 20,000 parents.

Solidly putting the responsibility for a child's behavior on the parents, How to Behave addresses a wide range of issues, such as how children learn to push their parents' buttons, why children misbehave, and how to motivate kids to behave using simple rules and consequences. Push aside all the nitty-gritty advice, however, and several themes emerge. Over and over, Severe emphasizes that raising a child requires total parental consistency, that it takes awhile to get results from new parenting techniques, and that overall, parenting is a very tough job.

While this book (honored and recommended by the Parent Council, Parents' Choice Foundation, and the National Parenting Center) doesn't break any new ground, it does reinforce many tried and true parenting techniques. As Severe says, "This book provides hundreds of ideas. Not all of them will work all the time. You need to select the ideas that make sense to you." While some veteran parents might find his advice too basic, this is an invaluable book for mothers and fathers beginning the parenting journey. And even long-time parents are sure to find some valuable gems that will be useful as their children grow, change, and offer new behavioral challenges. --Virginia Smyth --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

'...a riveting reference for all of us who are often put on the spot by our kids' - Family Circle --This text refers to an alternate Paperback edition.

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Product Details

• Paperback: 288 pages
• Publisher: Penguin (Non-Classics) (July 29, 2003)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0141001933
• ISBN-13: 978-0141001937
• Product Dimensions: 7.9 x 6.4 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 5.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (39 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #180,190 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

85 of 89 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Do As I Do, and As I Say -- An Improvement on B.F. Skinner!, July 18, 2000

By 

Donald Mitchell "Jesus Loves You!" (Thanks for Providing My Reviews over 109,000 Helpful Votes Globally) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: How to Behave So Your Children Will Too! (Hardcover)

The author points out that we mostly learn our parenting styles from our own parents. Since almost everyone is critical of some things that their own parents did, that can leave you without a lot of role models. Ah, but this book can more than fill the breach.

Basically, any relationship is improved by first improving yourself. As the author points out, if you provide a bad example to your child, you can expect your child to copy you. If you allow harmful influences into your child's life, those will be copied too in many cases.

The good news is that children will normally only misbehave about 5-10 percent of the time, unless we train them to do so more often as the primary way to get attention, rewards, and satisfaction. If you are having more trouble than that, this book will definitely help you.

There's a wonderful self-help quiz to assess whether or not you need this book. Here are my two favorite questions: "Does your baby sitter give you a discount for coming home early?" "Do your children spend hours in front of the TV and only minutes doing homework?"

The reference to B.F. Skinner is an allusion to his behavioral modification theories, which he applied to one of his own children by keeping the child in a box, and using the kind of training that you use with pets. This book puts that inappropriate method out of the way by seeking thinking cooperation from, not control, of the child.

The author has 25 years of experience as a school psychiatrist dealing with "behavior-disabled children." He's seen it all. I liked his stories though about his own family best, starting with the one about his 3 year old relieving himself in the refrigerator after the new baby came home. Sibling rivalry strikes again!

The book has special chapters for dealing with all of the toughest problems: children who misbehave deliberately all the time; ADD; violent children; when and whether to spank; changing the rules that don't work; and overcoming your own bad habits of losing your temper.

To start the book, you are asked to be open to new ideas, to manage your own anger, to learn to prevent arguments and power struggles, to be patient, consistent, and positive. That's all good advice, but I think the patient is the best. Children don't usually move as quickly or as directly as parents like. With a little patience and encouragement, however, they will usually get where they need to go. Most parents take their children's behavior too personally, as though it is a physical demerit or punishment aimed at the parent. Lighten up!

The only area where I disagreed with the book's advice (after the experience of 4 children) is in turning everything possible into a potential reward or a punishment. I think you can get the results you want without going that far. That approach just encourages kids to be overly sensitive to looking for carrots and sticks in adult life. Life isn't that simple or fair.

I was especially impressed with the advice for how to help children develop the ability to make good decisions, and gradually increase the scope of their decisions as they become better at it. That's the way to help your children, while keeping some peace in the process.

If you think you are very good with your children and get the results you want, then you probably don't need this book. If you aren't happy with how things are going, this book can really help you. It's essentially Relationship Rescue for parents and children.

Overcome your misconceptions about how to be a good parent and live happily ever after!

Enjoy your children at the same time!... END

91 of 107 people found the following review helpful:

2.0 out of 5 stars Wretched - Just An Elaborate Bribery System, January 30, 2002

By 

Kelly "kelly" (United States) - See all my reviews
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This review is from: How to Behave So Your Children Will Too! (Hardcover)

I bought this book hoping for some insight on dealing with our three year old and her normal "three year old misbehavior".

I really enjoyed the first couple of chapters and I definitely support the idea that parents should "be" what they want their children to "become". I liked his admonition to focus on the positive behavior and not the negative. I also gleaned some other good advice here and there throughout the book.

However, once I got into the book, it became obvious that his "method" is based heavily on an elaborate bribery system [including numerous detailed tables of rewards for different age groups]. There is actually a chapter called "Never Give Away The Ice Cream" in which the author chastizes a family for taking their children out for ice cream. He says that *nothing* should ever be given to children unless it is tied to their behavior as an award. Forget unconditional love; quality family time for the sake of family time; or teaching children to do the right thing BECAUSE it is the right thing - this method is a sure fire way to teach your kids that nothing is worth doing unless they are being PAID to do it.

In my opinion, following the advice in this book is a great way to raise superficial, materialistic, self-serving brats who are guided not by their conscience, but by an external reward system.

69 of 81 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars I wouldn't want to be raised like this, October 20, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: How to Behave So Your Children Will Too! (Hardcover)

The thought that kept occurring to me as I read this book was "I'm glad I wasn't raised in that kind of bootcamp." Some of the advice is good -- focus on good behavior, provide guidelines, be consistent. But good behavior is the only focus, with no attention paid to understanding, communication, or improving relationships. The assumption is that children misbehave only because they lack motivation. (There are many other reasons.) He advises escalating punishment until the child cracks -- to the point of holding a door shut on a child in time-out while he screams. (I hope nobody takes that advice.) I also feel that the constant stickers and charts are demeaning and communicate a lack of confidence in the child. Dr. Severe even advocates withholding special treats and outings unless they're a reward for good behavior -- which I think may make a child feel that the parent loves the behavior, not the child. This advice may improve the child's behavior -- but at what cost? If you have a "difficult" child, try "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, for a more understanding approach.