How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To [Paperback]

Janis A. Spring (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: February 1, 2005

Until now, we have been taught that forgiveness is good for us and that good people forgive. Dr. Spring, a gifted therapist and the award-winning author of After the Affair, proposes a radical, life-affirming alternative that lets us overcome the corrosive effects of hate and get on with our lives—without forgiving. She also offers a powerful and unconventional model for genuine forgiveness—one that asks as much of the offender as it does of us.

This bold and healing book offers step-by-step, concrete instructions that help us make peace with others and with ourselves, while answering such crucial questions as these:

• How do I forgive someone who is unremorseful or dead?
• When is forgiveness cheap?
• What is wrong with refusing to forgive?
• How can the offender earn forgiveness?
• How do we forgive ourselves for hurting another human being?

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Abrahms Spring, a clinical psychologist, follows up her bestselling After the Affair with this new self-help manual that aims to provide a better way to forgive or not forgive others. With the assistance of her husband, and in clear, insightful writing, Abrahms Spring draws on many case studies to fully analyze four categories of forgiveness: cheap forgiveness, refusing to forgive, acceptance and genuine forgiveness. The author is convinced that morally and spiritually a person is no more required to forgive an unrepentant offender than he or she is to love him. When someone who has been truly wronged and forgives too easily (cheap forgiveness), that person is not acting in their own best interest, but rather preserving a relationship at any cost. An absolute refusal to forgive Abrahms, Spring posits, is also harmful to the injured person. Although punishing the offender may provide a sense of power, it also fosters negativity and self-isolation. The author advises that when genuine forgiveness is impossible, because the injury is too great or the offender will not apologize, a better decision than holding onto anger is to work through the injury, or acceptance. This healing process will lead to emotional resolution and the ability to move on with one's life. Genuine forgiveness, Abrahms Spring maintains, occurs when both parties negotiate a process during which the hurt person expresses his or her pain, and the offender apologizes and takes responsibility for his or her poor behavior. In the end, this is a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book.
Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

“A truly stellar book putting forgiveness in a new, revealing light and provides clear steps to turn wounds into wisdom.” (Joan Borysenko, Ph.D., author of Minding the Body, Mending the Mind )

“This book is a treasure trove for anyone who has ever felt betrayed or hurt by a personal relationship.” (Peggy Papp, author of Couples on the Fault Line: New Directions for Therapists )

“Clear, insightful…a thoughtful exposition on the nuanced role of forgiveness in relationships that goes beyond the average self-help book.” (Publishers Weekly )

“Spring really shines.... Armed with her insights, offenders and those they’ve offended have hope of recovery.” (Bellingham Herald )

“A fresh and original approach to an ancient challenge.” (Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., author of Getting the Love You Want )

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 272 pages
• Publisher: William Morrow Paperbacks (February 1, 2005)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0060009314
• ISBN-13: 978-0060009311
• Product Dimensions: 8 x 5.4 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.9 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.7 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (29 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #9,379 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #82 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Mental Health > Happiness

More About the Author

JANIS ABRAHMS SPRING, Ph.D., is a nationally acclaimed expert on issues of trust, intimacy, and forgiveness. She is the bestselling author of After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You? After the Affair was published in thirteen countries around the world and both books were finalists for the Books for a Better Life Award. Dr. Spring is a diplomat in clinical psychology and has served as a clinical supervisor in the Department of Psychology at Yale University. In private practice for more than 3 decades, she lives with her husband in Westport, CT, and they have four sons.

Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

57 of 60 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Fresh, healthy way to look at forgiveness, April 8, 2004

By A Customer

This review is from: How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To (Hardcover)

This book is fantastic. Instead of the typical "forgive or don't forgive" as being your only two options, it gives you a way to deal with, get over, and release yourself from past hurts. It's not always possible to forgive someone who's hurt you if they haven't shown any effort to repair the damage, and choosing not to forgive them simply poisons your life. This book teaches another alternative, acceptance, and walks you through the exercises needed to "get over" past hurts. One thing I really like is that it also helps you re-examine the things that have happened to you and look at them in an honest, broader scope. Bottom line--I think it's going to dramatically help me heal the numerous past hurts I've been hanging onto once I go through each exercise, and I'd highly recommend it!

24 of 24 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A Continuation of "After the Affair", January 6, 2006

By 

Chicadita (California) - See all my reviews

This review is from: How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To (Hardcover)

I found this book to be very supportive of multiple situations that would require forgiveness, but it was primarily targeted at people dealing with post-affair syndrome. There were a lot of case examples to help you feel like you weren't alone, but it edged on being too many stories and not enough help. The help comes a little later in the book. The best part about this book was simply guiding you to identify what you need from the hurting party in order to grant forgiveness. There are a lot of tips for both parties in a situation, so this is a good choice for people on both ends of an affair, but I do suggest reading "After the Affair" first because the author makes a lot of references.

68 of 77 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars The Courage to Redefine Forgiveness, February 19, 2004

By 

E. Bernstein "True peace is not the absence o... (Bellingham, WA United States) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   

This review is from: How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To (Hardcover)

Having just emerged from a Kafkaesque nightmare where I was harassed, slandered and chased out of an intentional community by a sociopathic bully, Dr. Spring's insights are a balm to a tender soul.

Having been the target of overt campaign of "shaming, shunning and ostracization" I struggled with many conflicting feelings. The injustice fed into fury and I plummeted into a spiralling anger, resentfulness and obsessional thinking.

I resisted the facile advice of letting go or forgiving the offender. If only I could bring this man to justice, then I would feel better. When I heard Dr. Spring interviewed on NPR by Diane Rehm I recognized that my desire to "out" my offender would never lead to liberation and healing. I was entrapped in the quicksand of self-isolation and negativity.

After reading this book I was able to reconnect with my "inner goodness" and come to that place of "Radical Acceptance." I suspect that I will always feel some pain around this incident in my life, however, by embracing acceptance and the grief this process evokes, I am free to move on and persevere with the aspects of life that nourish me. I will never allow anyone intervene between my heart and my inner goodness.

For anyone who has been harmed intentionally or unconsciously by an abuser, bully or offender, this work is manna to the soul.