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How Could You Do This to Me? Paperback – August 17, 1998


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How Could You Do This to Me? + When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal + I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship
Price for all three: $34.39

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 222 pages
  • Publisher: Main Street Books; Main Street Books ed edition (August 17, 1998)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0385490119
  • ISBN-13: 978-0385490115
  • Product Dimensions: 5.5 x 0.5 x 8.2 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 3.2 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (20 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #718,482 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

In a book directed at anyone who has ever felt betrayed, personally or professionally, New Jersey family therapist Greer and freelancer Rosen apply standard psychological theories to "the hundreds of trust decisions people make in their daily lives." Using vignettes from Greer's clinical practice and television shows, the authors cover many types of betrayal that extend beyond sexual infidelity. They cite trust as a value ranked high by most Americans; and, as this investigation demonstrates, there are ways to identify, prevent and recover from a breach of trust, as well as rebuild shattered self-confidence. Little here will be news to self-help devotees, but there are insightful passages on forgiveness-how to profess it and how to accept it-as well as a decalogue of positives for psychological health produced by men and women who have attended Greer's seminars.
Copyright 1996 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

From Library Journal

According to licensed marriage and family therapist Greer (Adult Sibling Rivalry, Fawcett, 1993), trust is a basic human need essential for our existence. When someone who is expected to be there for you lets you down, the sense of betrayal is profound and devastating. Given the centrality and power of this need, it is surprising that although some of the world's most renowned theoreticians have tried to examine the intriguing nature of trust, no one until now has applied the psychological theories meaningfully to the hundreds of trust decisions people make in their daily lives. In Part 1, Greer discusses the roots of trust, blind trust, and the reasons betrayers betray. In the second part, she reveals the many faces of betrayal, i.e., rivals, admirers, and users. Finally, she focuses on the fallout from betrayal?revenge, confrontation, apology, and how to trust ourselves again. Writing in a clear, compassionate style, Greer uses personal narratives to illustrate the different situations in which people are betrayed. The first of its kind, this work is highly recommended for all public libraries.?David R. Johnson, Fayetteville P.L., Ark.
Copyright 1997 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Customer Reviews

Greer's advice is solid, practical, and accessible.
Mark Valentine
It was a terrible learning experience, and this book helped me to work through my feelings and better understand the dynamic that caused this to happen.
Ms. R
Having the betrayed party identify and define what trust means to them was very helpful.
N. Shaffer

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

30 of 31 people found the following review helpful By dallas on July 5, 2005
Format: Paperback
This is actually not a terrible book; it's just not a book for someone who has already been researching and reading up on how to heal a broken heart after a betrayal. I bought it expecting some new insight and/or advice, but mostly it's a "beginner's primer" that defines betrayal, looks at childhood and how this figures in, etc. Very elementary, very basic. If you're just starting down the road to recovery after betrayal, and have not spent years talking to a therapist and reading books about it, as I have, then this particular book is probably a good place to start. Just don't expect any concrete advice or specific direction. It just isn't here.
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22 of 22 people found the following review helpful By Elisabeth on March 16, 2009
Format: Paperback Verified Purchase
Here's what made sense to me:

I agree a painful childhood can affect how you trust someone. Sometimes it hardens your heart so you never trust anyone. Other times it causes you to be too trusting, like believing if you're forthcoming with someone, they'll automatically be forthcoming with you. This blind trust can lead you to either ignore obvious signs of betrayal...or if spotted, to rationalize and minimize the truth.

But here's where it got weird:

In some parts, the author's wording minimizes lying, the very thing she argues against. For example, if you discover your friend's husband is cheating and you're thinking of telling her, the author wants you to question your motives...as if you're the guilty party here. She asks, what if the affair is "merely" a one-time fling? Your telling could ruin an otherwise great marriage.

First of all, why say "merely" a one-time fling? He's betraying his wife's trust...whether that's "merely" one time or many times, it's still betrayal. Second, if he's cheating on her, then this "great marriage" is just a façade. So it's the façade you'd be ruining, not a great marriage. You'd also be protecting a friend, which is what true friends do. I'd be furious if my friends denied me the truth, so this guilt trip is unnecessary.

Another example was how she worded the problems between married couple Jeff & Doreen and Jeff's brother, Howard. Jeff & Doreen were having marital problems, so Jeff thought being closer to his family might help matters. Howard, however, saw it as an opportunity to steal Doreen away from Jeff...and it worked. Doreen divorced Jeff and married Howard.

When describing the scenario, however, the author said Howard "stole" Doreen (putting "stole" in quotation marks).
Read more ›
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34 of 37 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on October 3, 1998
Format: Paperback
A real eye opener! Want the truth? You deserve nothing less. This book will help you get the answers you are entitled to. Focusing on helping you to recongnize betrayers,Dr.Greer,gives you the tools to learn that you have the right to question situations that don't "add up". I have never realized that you can actually make it easier for someone to take advantage of, and continue to actually betray you over and over again. Dr.Greer spells this out with compasion while keeping you from beating yourself up. Is your relationship worth rebuilding? Only you can answer that. You will receive the tools to help you decide. Have trouble trusting yourself because of past failures? You will learn how to start trusting others and most importantly: YOURSELF. A true Godsend. Thank you Dr.Greer
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30 of 33 people found the following review helpful By A Customer on February 10, 2001
Format: Paperback
After three years of trying to move on after my (now ex-)husband's affair, this was the book that provided the motivation for me to DO IT! It is hard for most people to be able to accept the bad things that happen to them and move on without knowing "WHY" it happened. Although this book did not provide me with the reason "why", it helped me understand what type of individual I was dealing with and why someone would behave this way. It also helped me understand what my part was in it - my reaction to it. This book has not only has helped me in my personal life, but in my professional work as well. Thank you Jane and Margery!
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22 of 24 people found the following review helpful By Mark Valentine on October 3, 2000
Format: Paperback
How could you not read this book if you have lived through any phase of a betrayal? Greer's advice is solid, practical, and accessible. She breaks it down into manageable steps and works to re-build the esteem that gets devastated by betrayal. This is a "hands on" book, and much cheaper than a counseling session.
I found that I was a little overwhelmed with all the case histories that she used to illustrate her points. Maybe it is the nature of the beast, though. I don't know how she does it. But for me, and reading this book, I feel better and closer to moving on.
You, too?
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28 of 34 people found the following review helpful By Michael Strassberg on December 5, 2001
Format: Paperback
I bought this book for myself and a loved one who had both been betrayed by someone we thought we could trust to the ends of the earth. It did not involve marital infidelity, but was equally crushing. One of the great problems in a situation like this is trying to find language to express the existential pain that one feels. The wrenching emotions are there, but in order to deal with them, they must first be identified, articulated and defined . This is much harder than it seems. I found the best part of this book to be the way it helped me to get my arms around the feelings, and thus help come to terms with it. The book helped clear a path to understanding, dispelling an undefinable pain, and resolving it into something rationally comprehensible.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews


More About the Author

Dr. Jane Greer is a marriage and family therapist, sex expert, author, radio host, and creator of the popular celebrity sex & relationship commentary, "SHRINK WRAP with Dr. Jane Greer," on what we can learn from the trials and triumphs of celebrity relationships (seen in Huffington Post, Psychology Today, HowDoIDate.com, and on air at OK!TV). Through her media collaborations and expert insights, Dr. Greer has become recognized as a leading national expert in sex, love, and relationships.

Dr. Greer's Doctor On Call radio hour features conversations on life, love, and relationships with actors, authors, bloggers, journalists, comedians, directors, producers, relationship experts, and more. It airs every Tuesday from 2-3 p.m. ET (11 a.m.-12 p.m. PT) on HealthyLife.net. Every first and third Tuesday is Shrink Wrap on Call, featuring writers, producers, celebrities, and other experts in the world of entertainment discussing the hottest breaking-news relationship problems, and what those mean to us. Her popular show, Let's Talk Sex!, airs the last Tuesday of each month and features cutting-edge conversations on sex and intimacy. SHRINK WRAP webisodes, which air on the BYL Network, examine the trials and tribulations of celebrity relationships, and what we can learn from them and bring into our own lives - using insights only Dr. Greer can provide.

Dr. Greer's exclusive co-branded radio show HuffPost on Call with Dr. Jane Greer features bloggers and editors from HuffPost's 11 lifestyle sections (Women, Parents, Weddings, Divorce, Healthy Living, Becoming Fearless, Teen, Style, Taste, Home and more).

Dr. Greer has appeared on many popular television shows offering relationship advice, including Oprah, The Today Show, The Early Show, CBS News, CNN News, Anderson Cooper 360, Dateline NBC, 20/20, Good Day New York, and The View. In addition to contributing to Self and Cosmopolitan magazines, she has been interviewed for The New York Times, USA Today, The Chicago Tribune, US Weekly, In Touch, Closer, Life & Style, Brides.com, and People. Dr. Greer was a contributing editor for Redbook magazine, where she also wrote the "Let's Talk About Sex" column.

She is the author of five books about navigating relationships. Her latest book, What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship , is available nationwide.

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