Customer Reviews

How Could You Do This to Me?

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(5)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(2)

 

 

This is actually not a terrible book; it's just not a book for someone who has already been researching and reading up on how to heal a broken heart after a betrayal. I bought it expecting some new insight and/or advice, but mostly it's a "beginner's primer" that defines betrayal, looks at childhood and how this figures in, etc. Very elementary, very basic. If you're just starting down the road to recovery after betrayal, and have not spent years talking to a therapist and reading books about it, as I have, then this particular book is probably a good place to start. Just don't expect any concrete advice or specific direction. It just isn't here.

After three years of trying to move on after my (now ex-)husband's affair, this was the book that provided the motivation for me to DO IT! It is hard for most people to be able to accept the bad things that happen to them and move on without knowing "WHY" it happened. Although this book did not provide me with the reason "why", it helped me understand what type of individual I was dealing with and why someone would behave this way. It also helped me understand what my part was in it - my reaction to it. This book has not only has helped me in my personal life, but in my professional work as well. Thank you Jane and Margery!

A real eye opener! Want the truth? You deserve nothing less. This book will help you get the answers you are entitled to. Focusing on helping you to recongnize betrayers,Dr.Greer,gives you the tools to learn that you have the right to question situations that don't "add up". I have never realized that you can actually make it easier for someone to take advantage of, and continue to actually betray you over and over again. Dr.Greer spells this out with compasion while keeping you from beating yourself up. Is your relationship worth rebuilding? Only you can answer that. You will receive the tools to help you decide. Have trouble trusting yourself because of past failures? You will learn how to start trusting others and most importantly: YOURSELF. A true Godsend. Thank you Dr.Greer

How could you not read this book if you have lived through any phase of a betrayal? Greer's advice is solid, practical, and accessible. She breaks it down into manageable steps and works to re-build the esteem that gets devastated by betrayal. This is a "hands on" book, and much cheaper than a counseling session.

I found that I was a little overwhelmed with all the case histories that she used to illustrate her points. Maybe it is the nature of the beast, though. I don't know how she does it. But for me, and reading this book, I feel better and closer to moving on.

You, too?

Here's what made sense to me:

I agree a painful childhood can affect how you trust someone. Sometimes your past can harden your heart so you never trust anyone. Other times it can cause you to be too trusting. You end up trusting someone simply because they look trustworthy. Or because they say, "Trust me." You're trusting based on appearances and perceptions rather than reality, which is foolish.

The author says when you trust someone, you expect certain things:
-- they'll always be there for you
-- they'd never willingly cause you harm or allow others to harm you
-- if you're honest with them, they'll be just as forthcoming with you
And so on....
But without knowing someone well, your expectations could lead to blind trust...where you refuse to look carefully at the obvious signs of betrayal. Instead, warning signs get rationalized and minimized away. The reason for this, the author explains, is because "uncovering the truth is more traumatic than believing the lie."

But here's where it got weird for me:

The parts that bugged me had to do with the author's choice of words in some places. For example, when she talked of how you should handle the discovery of your friend's husband having an affair. The author says if you tell your friend, you should really question your motives...as if you're the guilty party here. She says, what if the affair is "merely" a one-time fling? She says your telling could ruin an otherwise great marriage.

First of all, what does she mean by "merely" a one-time fling? He's betraying his wife's trust in him...whether he does that "merely" one time or many times, it's still betrayal. Second, if he's cheating on her, then this "great marriage" is just a facade. So, you wouldn't be ruining their marriage; you'd be protecting your friend. So this guilt trip is unnecessary.

True friends look out for each other and are honest, even when it's painful. I know I'd want my friend to tell me. I'd be furious if my friends withheld the truth from me feeling like I'm too fragile to handle the truth.

Another example that bugged me was her discussion of the problems between married couple Jeff & Doreen and Jeff's brother, Howard. Jeff & Doreen were having marital problems, so Jeff thought being closer to his family might help things. His opportunistic brother, Howard, however, viewed it as an opportunity to steal Doreen away from Jeff...and it worked. Doreen divorced Jeff and married Howard.

Jeff was furious with Howard and felt like he'd been robbed. I don't blame him...yet when the author described the scenario, she said that Howard "stole" Doreen (she put the word stole in quotation marks). Why, though, did she choose to use quotation marks? It's almost like she's rolling her eyes at the idea. Now, I understand Doreen went willingly, so it's not like she was kidnapped, but Howard got involved with her behind Jeff's back. That was a stealthy move on his part. Stealthy. Stealing. Stole. Where's the confusion here?

Howard had the same confusion. When asked to explain his actions, he shrugged his shoulders and said that you can't steal what wants to be stolen. He said it wasn't his fault the marriage was in trouble. How cold-blooded.

Jeff refused to reconcile with his brother despite pressure from his family to patch things up. I don't blame him since his brother showed no remorse. The author, though, calls this starting a "cold war". She says the loving thing to do is hear them out. Seems rational...if you're dealing with a rational person...but if dealing with a liar who's betrayed you, you can't trust a word that comes out of their mouth. I don't see how a discussion would add closure to your life. Most likely, you could get roped into forgiving them and making yourself vulnerable to their betrayal once more. Or worse, you could get blamed for the betrayal. The author gives assertive responses in case they do blame you, but why put yourself through that torment?

Maybe what Jeff did wasn't the assertive thing to do...but I still think it was a smart thing to do. Some things you just can't forgive and I think it's okay sometimes not to forgive. It depends on the situation. It bothers me when the betrayed party is pressured into forgiving.

I do agree with the author that you shouldn't be vindictive and seek revenge. That's unhealthy and only keep you attached to the betrayer. The best revenge is moving on to a better life with a better person...a person who takes the trust you give them and cherishes it.

So, while this book contained some great info, I was put off by some of the weird word choices in some places. These seemingly innocent words slipped in there conveyed mixed messages to me...leaving me questioning where the author really stands on the definition of betrayal.

I bought this book for myself and a loved one who had both been betrayed by someone we thought we could trust to the ends of the earth. It did not involve marital infidelity, but was equally crushing. One of the great problems in a situation like this is trying to find language to express the existential pain that one feels. The wrenching emotions are there, but in order to deal with them, they must first be identified, articulated and defined . This is much harder than it seems. I found the best part of this book to be the way it helped me to get my arms around the feelings, and thus help come to terms with it. The book helped clear a path to understanding, dispelling an undefinable pain, and resolving it into something rationally comprehensible.

Once trust is broken, it is much like a glass window; it cannot be fixed. It can be taped, glued, pieced together, etc. It can never be the intact and unbroken window it once was. Some things just cannot be fixed as if they never occurred. With that in mind, the emphasis is on whether or not one wishes to fix it and why, and the decision to return a trust that is broken, decisions that always determine the value of the relationship and how deeply woven and connected it is. Recovery from broken trust (not trusts) lies in gently picking up the broken pieces, putting them in some type of order, and attempting to keep them there, an almost impossible task, and one too often for objective professionals. Success is tenuous at best, and unsatisfying at worst because both generally mourn what might have been had the trust not been broken, and the relationship unimpaired by those lingering ghosts. Most do not trust once the trust has been broken, but simulate an appearance of trust that is usually a small fraction of that which was thrown away by the deceiver, and which was forced onto the victim, by the knowledge of the deceit.

"How could you do this to me?" helped me put my thoughts in order. I had pretty much figured out what had happened in my life - why the betrayal took place, why it happened to me and where I needed to go from there. The problem was that it was all so jumbled in my head and I was so emotionally charged that nothing seemed to make sense. I have been able to search my soul, am putting my thoughts together in an orderly fashion in order to move on with my life now.

Through the painful betrayal stories of others, Dr. Greer offers her solemn advice to confronting and overcoming betrayal ... step-by-step. Though you may not fully agree with how Dr. Greer characterizes betrayers, it's doubtful you could walk away from the book not learning anything about yourself and those around you. This book will help you communicate and give you much needed confidence when confronting your own betrayers. You'll also be encouraged to analyze your own behavior through aggressive introspection. You aren't merely learning to "battle" betrayers, you're learning about yourself. Finally, you'll be able to face your betrayers - and even your sometimes harmful self - and overcome the hurt.

Getting over the chessy title, this book has a lot to offer to anyone in any kind of relationship where they've been betrayed. And for those of us (like myself) who have experienced betrayal once too often, it is a great help in healing. I feel better armed to cope after reading this, and hopefully that means that in the future I won't be as quickly betrayed again.