Customer Reviews

How to Be First in a Second Marriage: Forgiveness and Healing for All Concerned

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Oddly, upon my first reading of this book, I found myself disagreeing with the author in regards to much of the content.

Then I realized why I was disagreeing - there is so much truth in the examples set forth, that I was uncomfortable reading something that `hit' so close to home.

The truth is, rejection is difficult. And, a divorce is certainly rejection. When there are problems blending a family together, more rejection is involved. The idea that rejection continues to be present throughout the post-divorce environment was a new idea for me, and one that made me uncomfortable initially (especially the section that spoke about the rejection stepmothers experience). However, after much thought and two readings of this book, I must agree.

Our current legal system is designed to pit parents against each other - always declaring a `winner' and a `loser'. This continues to perpetuate rejection. When a child (or children) involved feel they must choose one parent over the other to ensure their emotional survival, more rejection is involved. When one parent launches a campaign to persuade the child (or children) that the other parent and the new same gender stepparent are `bad', there is still more rejection involved.

Another important concept of this book is that how we respond to that rejection is completely within our control. In other words, I do not have to feel jealous, hurt, or shut out if my stepchildren and their same gender parent treat me with hostility and suspicion. I can't prevent them from rejecting me, but I can control how I respond to that rejection.

I never thought about this until I read this book (re-read), but I now recognize that any interaction between divorced spouses that isn't of a business associate level is still an intimate exchange! All the fighting that goes on between former spouses is still a dance of intimacy.

The book also deals with the concepts of false guilt and genuine guilt. It's amazing, how much false guilt we are all capable of carrying around with us. The author provided good insight and strong suggestions for deflecting false guilt (which is often given to us by others).

And, there are lots of great examples/ideas for putting together a visitation schedule, and some very common sense (yet often overlooked) methods for dealing with an angry ex-wife/spouse who will NOT give up her hurt and anger.

Most importantly, this book addresses how important it is to build a strong relationship within a second marriage - how important it is that the needs of the current marriage are met first, followed by the needs of the children.

This book IS worth several reads - I know I find it more valuable every time I pick it up.

I am second wife and stepmom of two teens for more than three years; I have many problems as most women in similar relationships. I am Christian as well so I thought this book would be perfect for me!
I have just finished reading the book of Rose Sweet and I am really disappointed.
Why?
· This is a book for real novices; if you are a second wife or even fiancée for more than a year, either your marriage does not exist any more, or you have learned all Ms. Sweet's tips by yourself.
· If your husband has physical custody of his kids, ¾ of this book is not for you.
· If you are Christian but the sentence: "(name), God has shown me that I need to ask your forgiveness for something. Will you forgive me for my bitterness toward you? Will you also forgive me for having failed as your wife?" is not exactly in your style, this book probably is not in your style as well.
· If your husband is not in love with his previous wife any more you should probably look for another book.

Do you realize that 50% of women today are in 2nd marriages? How do we deal with his ex-wife when she is bound and determined to play on your hubbie's sense of guilt? How do you deal with your stepchildren when they absolutely REFUSE to accept the marriage to their father and therefore, take it out on you? How do you muster up the strength to stand together and overcome all of these outside influences without letting them destory your marriage? This book helps you look at things from a different perspective and empowers you to overcome them with love, understanding and compassion without giving up who you are in the process.

I am the author whose husband was still emtionally attached to his ex wife through guilt, fear and bitterness. When she said "Jump", he still did...even though he was married to me!

Through counseling and by the seat of our pants we learned exactly HOW to deal in a healthy way with all the problems of custody, violations of visitation agreements, nasty phone calls, no shows on weekends, clothes that don't come back with the kids, everything!

We learned specific ways of protecting our time, our legal rights, our serenity and our marriage from outside emotional pulls.

The book is written for SECOND WIVES, but the principles and practices I suggest can be used with anyone who meddles in your marriage!!!!

I hope you'll invest in your marriage with this book. I welcome all coments!

I highly recommend this book to everyone in a second marriage - husband's and wives alike. If you are thinking about marrying for the second time or going to marry someone who is divorced, this is the book to read before you do. Ms. Sweet has called upon her practical experience as a second wife and stepmother to open herself and her relationships for us to learn from. This book shows all of us that we are not alone. The challenges facing a second marriage are similar for everyone, especially when there are children of the first marriage. Ms. Sweet has provided us with a solid, practical guide to identify and correct the shortcomings of our current relationships. Ms. Sweet shows her readers how she has used her faith to support and guide her through the quicksands of a second marriage. However, this is not a book about faith -- this book is first and foremost about how to successfully deal with the challenges that face second and subsequent marriages.

This book cited many examples that really hit home. I highlighted pertinent sections and added comments particular to my situation, and am using the book as a guide for addressing my thoughts and feelings with my significant other. A very helpful tool in initiating discussions that can sometimes be difficult to begin.

This book should be subtitled "...: A Guide Exclusively for Christians Who Wish to Have a Completely Traditional Marriage." Sweet does not include even a nod to the possibility that some people in second marriages celebrate holidays other than Christmas and Easter. More disturbing is her assumption that a good marriage is based on the woman's subservience to the man. She suggests that the bride make this commitment in her marriage vows: "[F]rom this time on, I yeild all rights to leadership in our home to you. I will only assume those that God gives me through you, my husband" (180). This book is totally useless to me, and very disappointing.

I received this book at 9:30a and had it completely read within 2 hours while doing my job :-). I first wanted to get an impression so I started with the introduction and the first chapter. I was shaking as I read this book. I've never had one thing hit home so much as this book did. I couldn't put it down. My boyfriend and I (commom law married) have been together for 3.5 yrs. He moved his ex and 2 kids here a month ago and I have done nothing but struggle. I had been expected to just 'give him a break' and sit back while he deals with his past and I WAS NOT HAPPY PLAYING 4TH FIDDLE IN HIS LIFE! He hasn't been able to see how he's been treating me or the 'lack of' treating me. I am very committed to our relationship and will be approaching him with this book tonight! I hate to say it, but I've already gotten so much out of this book that if he does not open his eye's towards how he has been treating me, after hearing just parts of this book, then he's never going to and I'll have to accept that, finally. After reading it I realized that his ex IS NOT MY PROBLEM and he has no right making her my problem. And I can not think of a better way to get him to see that, than by asking that he read it too. I also realized I'm not the only one that's been treated this way and THERE IS HOPE! The first paragraph: "You might have a problem if...." I couldn't believe how many items I highlighted as being 'my case', for him, her, and myself. I recommend this book, highly, to anyone feeling left out in these 'mixed family' relationships. It WILL be my bible, and it WILL get read several times, I'm sure. Good reading and good luck with your situation!

I just finished reading it and have begun to use the suggestions in it already! The author hit some nerves at the beginning, because some of it hit way too close. The practical recommendations about child support and how to handle all people involved in a blended family were very helpful. I highly recommend this to all blended families.