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How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back [Paperback]

Henry Cloud
4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (57 customer reviews)

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Book Description

February 8, 2005
It stinks, doesn't it. But what can you do to fix it? More than you've ever imagined. You can put an end to the datelessness. Starting today---right now---you can begin a journey that will bring fun and interesting people into your life, broaden your experience of others and yourself, and lead you toward that date of all dates---a date worth keeping. This book is for YOU if - You want to get more dates or better dates. - You wonder where 'the good ones' are. - You keep repeating the same old cycle in your dating life and want to change it. - You wonder why people who aren't as nice as you get all the dates. - You're attracted to the wrong kind, while the right kind lack the 'chemistry.' - You're waiting for God to bring you the right person---and you've been waiting an awfully long time. - You wonder what it is about you that fails to attract dates. With over ten years of experience personally coaching singles on dating, Dr. Henry Cloud shares his proven, very doable, step-by-step approach to overcoming your sticking points and getting all the dates you could want. The results speak for themselves. Filled with true-life examples you'll identify with instantly, How to Get a Date Worth Keeping will prove its worth to you many times over in the exciting months ahead.

Frequently Bought Together

How To Get A Date Worth Keeping: Be Dating In Six Months Or Your Money Back + Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships + Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't
Price for all three: $32.27

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Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Geared for the reported 3.5 million evangelical Christian singles in America, this guide by Cloud-author of the bestselling Boundaries series of relationship books-offers sound advice on the dating game. Some of his tenets may take Christian readers by surprise: he asserts, for example, that there's no one Mr. or Ms. Right for each person, and that people should stop waiting around for a dream individual to sweep them off their feet. ("God guides and provides," Cloud states, "but he also requires us to do our part.") He also asserts that dating is not just a precursor to marriage, disagreeing with those Christians who refuse to date unless they glimpse a tiered wedding cake at the end of the rainbow. Non-serious dating, Cloud writes, is an essential step in the process of eventually finding a mate, because it teaches people what they need and want through trial and error. Cloud unveils a whole program for "getting out there" in the dating world: singles should keep a log of all the eligible people they meet; go places where other singles go (Cloud calls this "changing your traffic pattern"); consider joining a dating service; and forget the "love at first sight" myth. He even suggests dating non-Christians-which will raise some evangelical eyebrows-while repeating his proviso that dating is not marriage. Most of the book's examples are of women seeking men, but all Christian singles can benefit from this practical, down-to-earth manual.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

Review

'...offers sound advice on the dating game....all Christian singles can benefit from this practical, down-to-earth manual.' -- PW Religion Bookline <br><br> (PW Religion Bookline )

Product Details

  • Paperback: 240 pages
  • Publisher: Zondervan (February 8, 2005)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0310262658
  • ISBN-13: 978-0310262657
  • Product Dimensions: 5.3 x 0.6 x 8 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (57 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #10,777 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Dr. Cloud is a leadership consultant, best-selling author, and speaker whose books have sold well over 5 million copies. He consults and speaks for companies and organizations in the area of leadership and performance, and is highly regarded for his ability to connect personal and interpersonal development with the needs of business.
He is a clinical psychologist and leadership consultant with a unique ability to connect with audiences. Drawing upon his broad range of experiences in private practice, leadership consulting, and media, he simplifies life's issues and gives easy to understand, practical advice. It's Dr. Cloud's humor, compassion and "in the moment" confrontation that make his approach to psychology, business and spirituality such a success.
Dr. Cloud has written, or co-written, more than twenty books, including the two-million-seller Boundaries and his most recent books, Necessary Endings, Integrity, The One Life Solution, The Law of Happiness and 9 Things You Simply Must Do. His books have sold over five million copies. His works have been reviewed and featured by such publications as The New York Times, The Wall St. Journal, The Boston Globe, The Los Angeles Times and many others. Dr. Cloud co-hosts the nationally syndicated radio program New Life Live, which is heard in over 180 markets.
As a speaker, he is a favorite at corporate events, conventions, and public arena events on a variety of topics, speaking regularly through the U.S. and internationally.
In his consulting practice, he works with leaders in a wide range of organizations and corporations, from family help firms to Fortune 25 and Fortune 500 companies. He has an extensive executive coaching background and experience as an organizational and leadership consultant, spending the majority of his hands-on time with CEOs and executive teams.
Dr. Cloud founded and built a health care company which operated treatment centers in forty markets in the Western U.S. for which he served as Clinical Director for ten years. In that context of hands-on clinical experience, he developed and researched many of the treatment principles and methods that he communicates to audiences now. After selling the company, he devoted his time to consulting and coaching, spreading principles of hope and life-change through speaking, writing and media.
He is a graduate of Southern Methodist University, earning a B.S. in psychology with honors. He completed his Ph.D. in clinical psychology at Biola University, and his clinical internship at Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health. His philanthropic interests lie in the area of homelessness and the inner city, as well as missions in the developing world. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters, Olivia and Lucy.

Customer Reviews

This book positively changed my outlook on dating. Danami  |  20 reviewers made a similar statement
Great book full of useful, practical information! Jennifer J Myers  |  11 reviewers made a similar statement
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
168 of 194 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Breaks Down Myths and Self-Defeating Beliefs February 5, 2006
Format:Paperback
Perhaps one of the things in a church culture is that there isn't enough mentorship from parents or from the church on proper dating.

One of the biggest and most misleading ideas implied in church culture or propagated in books are:

a) Just wait, God will provide for you a mate.

b) If you are spiritual enough, and seek God earnestly, God will give you the best. Don't settle for second best.

With that two statements, it misleads people who are seriously looking for a mate.

First, because of that a lot of people just sit around waiting for a life-partner to drop out of mid-air into their lives.

God certainly does provide, he provides the birds of the air food, but still the bird must look for the worm. God gave the Israelites the land, but they still had to go in and fight for it. It was not passive inactivity that won the day. God does his part, we must do ours.

Next, what is this idea of "second best"? If A was meant for B but instead marries C this will cause a chain reaction where B marries D which leads to E who was supposed to marry D to marry F and so on... So with just one choice, we cause the whole universe held together by God to crash? Even Microsoft Windows performs better than that!

So we end up with a lot of singles in church, waiting and waiting... and waiting... and waiting... just waiting... perhaps one of them thinks that she must serve God more or perhaps she wasn't spiritual enough.

So she volunteers... for the children's ministry. Good luck in increasing her odds of finding someone there.

Which leads to another thought. Before the invention of the automobile, most people married within a radius of 2 miles from where they lived. But with the invention of the car, people married within 100 miles from where they lived. Did God's will suddenly change because of the car?

Another wrong idea is that we shouldn't date around too much. It's like playing around we don't want to be considered a 'loose' or flirtatious. Dr Cloud says that, if you're righteous enough, you're not going to have sex, it's just getting to know people!

Dr. Henry Cloud in his book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping"recommends that we change our view of dating:

1. See dating as a wonderful time to find out about other people and what they are like.

2. See dating as a wonderful time to find out about yourself and how you need to change.

3. See dating as an end in and of itself.

4. See dating in a way that takes the pressure off.

5. See dating as an opportunity to love and serve others.

6. See dating as an opportunity to grow in skills.

7.Perhaps promise youself that you will make no serious commitment for a certain length of time.

In comparison to "I gave dating a chance" and "I kissed dating goodbye" he gives really practical and workable advice instead of airy fairy principles that are impractical.

Dr. Cloud has counselled hundreds of people and is a qualified psychologist whilst the other two books are written by a youth worker and a young pastor mainly from their own experience at a young age and who have never had to endure many years of loneliness and self-defeating beliefs.
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104 of 119 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Let me explain the way I date according to the book How to Find a Date worth Keeping. I have relatively recently changed somewhat the style of dating because of reading this book as well as Boundaries and Boundaries in Dating. Also,a visit to a Christian counselor to some extent and the book Safe People had some influence too.

Because of what I've learned about human nature (as well as super nature), there is a need to establish that the one you are with is able to delay gratification long enough to separate lust from love so that both people can objectively learn about each other. This takes a time period much longer than the traditional length of time to accomplish. Cloud and Townsend (the authors) suggest that anything less than a year is probably too soon to be talking about a truly committed relationship. They go on to say that 2 to 3 years is not an unreasonable time. They also say that it depends a bit on individual pace.

I used to focus on one woman at a time in the traditional way of dating until she or I decided we were no longer compatible, then move on or decide on being "friends". Now I casually date for a much longer period, dating a few women concurrently, to see which of those can hang in there with me in order to really get to know me, among other reasons.

(I'll stop here to clarify a definition. I think our world has two meanings for "casual dating" One meaning is as I have used it above - dating to get to know someone keeping the boundaries of physical interaction at a bare minimum initially.

The second meaning is quite the opposite and that is >>go out/have sex/repeat with different partner with a cavalier attitude.

When I use this term "casual dating" I'm using the first definition always.)

This requires that, in order to be most efficient - especially at my age, I need to "casually date" as many women as I can at first, maintaining boundaries, keeping it light until a couple of the most compatible ones rise to the surface as prime choices. Then after about 6 months to a year (a somewhat arbitrary figure up to each individual), chose and then declare exclusivity. After exclusivity is when you dig the deepest before making the official move toward marriage.

There, now that I've outlined the basic premise behind the book, let me tell you both what I like about it and what I don't like.

What I don't like

1. This style, by design, automatically all but eliminates potential mates that do not adopt this style for themselves.

For instance, if I'm am bent on dating in the traditional manner, I will likely break anything off within the first, what?, month or two right? Because in our world that is the accepted norm - acquaintance to acceptance in a relatively short time. This limits the potential "pool" of candidates based merely on the style (pace) of dating.

2. There is an intrinsic time problem with moving slowly with many candidates. Even if you are on the same style page you still have to be hooked up on a more or less parallel time continuum in order to be at the same point relationally.

For instance, if I'm at a "near exclusive" stage with woman "A" but just starting out getting to know woman "B", then I either have to slow the one relationship way down or speed the other up or just write off one in favor of the other.

3. The author actually suggests going out with people that are not Christians because "the object of dating is not to get married" I disagree.

Technically, he's right, the object at first is not to get married. But I think when I pray to God the prayer "...and lead us not into temptation.." I have a moral obligation as a mortal creature not to lead myself into temptation either.

4.There needs to be an allowance for both relational maturity and age (not the same). People further along in life should, as a whole, have more experience and therefore require less time to winnow out a suitable mate. Also, someone middle aged is less inclined to chew up 18 months or more courting than a twenty year old, simply due to logistics (remaining years).

What I like

1. The main reason I like this method is that it takes the pressure off the first few dates and it gives you time to assess a person based on objective data without simply giving lip service to the expression, "No expectations". There is less room to slouch toward promiscuity.

2. It all but eliminates that obsessive and/or lonely feeling in between dates that is, in itself emotionally and mentally limiting, distracting, and potentially damaging. It more easily allows you to maintain your boundaries.

3. It's efficient. More potential candidates mean more people to choose from (in a shorter amount of time if you're assertive) and therefore it betters your chance at connecting with a truly compatible mate.

4. In the long run, after you and your mate have selected each other you can truly be assured that you were selected from a pool of many many potential suitors and therefore the love connection will be objectively more concrete - not just based on a feeling (not to minimize feelings either). Because you've done your homework the "in love" feeling reaches more of your senses - you become sensual to the nth degree.

5. The very nature of this method requires that both participants model brutal honesty with each other from the beginning - a characteristic that is an essential building block to the health of any committed relationship.

Over all I would recommend reading this book because it's basic message is so needed in our society. Just keep an open mind and customize it to your own age and lifestyle.
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28 of 33 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Great persepective, but could use a little more for males December 19, 2005
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
I first read this book almost two years and posted a glowing review for it. As time as passed, I met many women, lost one, and now got engaged, my view of this book has become more negative. My biggest issue of recent is that he tells people (mostly women) to play the field more. That's great. But he doesn't spend enough time talking about fear of commitment, which us men have issues with. I used his book to avoid commitment, and lost a lady I really liked. When I went back to this book two years later, I noticed I didn't even highlight or make any notes in that section. So I wish he had made a bigger deal of that issue, especially for men.

I also think he should say something about long distance relationships, and that the only way to make them work is by face to face contact. Avoiding face to face because you are dating around is a terrible mistake. One has to get IN or OUT, but not in the middle. I also wish he had spent more time talking about breaking up.

What follows is the rest of the review I wrote originally.

When I first read this book, I thought it was more for women than men. As I read more, I enjoyed how he dug deep into the root of our own dating issues. Within the Christian dating, I observe many bad habits that people think are rooted in the Bible. For example, waiting on God, to which Cloud says, he hopes you like the UPS man. Instead he takes the position that you need to meet 5 people a week and then lays out many of the excuses people make, excuses that cover up our own issues. He further shows the reader how to evaluate these people. His underlying thesis is that dating is not about marriage, but about learning what you like and don't like, and dealing with your own issues before you get married.

He has a chapter for males about reclaiming the testosterone. My only cristicism is that if you are a male, and you have those problems of being too passive and weak and "nice", you need more than this book. You need No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover and Way of the Superior Man by David Deida too. And, as Cloud points out, if are male of female and have these issues, you need to get the very well written book he co-wrote with Dr. Townsend, Safe People.

I recently read Jillian Straus's book, Unhooked Generation, where she inteviewed GenXers about their struggles with finding a mate, spent many chapters explaining why their strategies didn't work, and in the end, provided secrets of happy couples. She doesn't touch church or the Bible, yet she, through interviewing people, came to the same conclusions that Cloud did, meaning, don't judge to fast, talk to a lot of people, and just do it.

I also had an issue with his chapter on unleashing your libido. The focus on that was that women should dress sexy, but not have sex. He didn't say a word about men. The church has been always insisted on "no sex before marriage." But what about the guys, who are too bonded to their mother? They claim celibacy, but in reality, fear commitment, are emotionally unavailable, and raging with toxic shame. John Bradshaw writes about it in his books, and a lot of guys in the church are like that. As a guy, I was always respectful to women and never even touched them -- needless to say, I could dropped because I couldn't show affection. Cloud doesn't mention this at all. As I said earlier, I think men who read this book need to make sure they have read the No More Mr. Nice Guy too, and worked on their fear of commitment issues.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Coaching on Dating
I really liked this book! It was personally challenging for me. Dr. Cloud shares a bunch a practical steps to take to get more, higher-quality dates, but the focus is ultimately on... Read more
Published 3 days ago by Aaron
4.0 out of 5 stars much read for all singles!
There are realistic things provided in here to make dating easier and prevent you from a lot of pitfalls that singles fall into. Read more
Published 20 days ago by T. Jones
5.0 out of 5 stars Great perspective on dating
Great information on why we do the things we do when we date. How to get unstuck from unhealthy relationship patterns and start choosing healthy partners.
Published 1 month ago by AN
5.0 out of 5 stars Full of great advice!
Great book full of useful, practical information! HUGE help to me and my new status of single. I now look at dating in a whole new way!
Published 1 month ago by Jennifer J Myers
4.0 out of 5 stars Useful tips for people who over-think the dating issue
This book is written as a response to Joshua Harris' books, I feel. Which is fine, we need balance on these topics. That said, the book is pretty useful, quite funny sometimes. Read more
Published 1 month ago by Addie R.
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book on Christian dating
This book is an outstanding read. It really puts things into perspective, and helps you evaluate yourself to see if you are even READY to date, and if so how to go about finding... Read more
Published 1 month ago by Martin D. Reiswig
5.0 out of 5 stars Great Read!!
An excellent book for all to better understand 'Dating'. Each chapter made the dating process more understandable. Read more
Published 2 months ago by Linda Frazer
5.0 out of 5 stars book work keeping!
For men and women, this is a book worth keeping! It really helped me turn my relationships quotient around with the "meet 5 a week" homework assignment. Have fun with it!
Published 2 months ago by Sally M
5.0 out of 5 stars Great
I thought the book was very good. A much needed perspective for the majority. It has only been a few weeks since I have read it but have already found it to be a direction setter. Read more
Published 2 months ago by andy
3.0 out of 5 stars SHORT, SWEET REVIEW
Wow, based on the many long winded reviews, Henry Cloud is not the only author or relationship expert! Here is the long and short my friends: Single and don't want to be? Read more
Published 3 months ago by LilRed
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