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How to Get a Date Worth Keeping

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Perhaps one of the things in a church culture is that there isn't enough mentorship from parents or from the church on proper dating.

One of the biggest and most misleading ideas implied in church culture or propagated in books are:

a) Just wait, God will provide for you a mate.

b) If you are spiritual enough, and seek God earnestly, God will give you the best. Don't settle for second best.

With that two statements, it misleads people who are seriously looking for a mate.

First, because of that a lot of people just sit around waiting for a life-partner to drop out of mid-air into their lives.

God certainly does provide, he provides the birds of the air food, but still the bird must look for the worm. God gave the Israelites the land, but they still had to go in and fight for it. It was not passive inactivity that won the day. God does his part, we must do ours.

Next, what is this idea of "second best"? If A was meant for B but instead marries C this will cause a chain reaction where B marries D which leads to E who was supposed to marry D to marry F and so on... So with just one choice, we cause the whole universe held together by God to crash? Even Microsoft Windows performs better than that!

So we end up with a lot of singles in church, waiting and waiting... and waiting... and waiting... just waiting... perhaps one of them thinks that she must serve God more or perhaps she wasn't spiritual enough.

So she volunteers... for the children's ministry. Good luck in increasing her odds of finding someone there.

Which leads to another thought. Before the invention of the automobile, most people married within a radius of 2 miles from where they lived. But with the invention of the car, people married within 100 miles from where they lived. Did God's will suddenly change because of the car?

Another wrong idea is that we shouldn't date around too much. It's like playing around we don't want to be considered a 'loose' or flirtatious. Dr Cloud says that, if you're righteous enough, you're not going to have sex, it's just getting to know people!

Dr. Henry Cloud in his book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping"recommends that we change our view of dating:
1. See dating as a wonderful time to find out about other people and what they are like.
2. See dating as a wonderful time to find out about yourself and how you need to change.
3. See dating as an end in and of itself.
4. See dating in a way that takes the pressure off.
5. See dating as an opportunity to love and serve others.
6. See dating as an opportunity to grow in skills.
7.Perhaps promise youself that you will make no serious commitment for a certain length of time.

In comparison to "I gave dating a chance" and "I kissed dating goodbye" he gives really practical and workable advice instead of airy fairy principles that are impractical.

Dr. Cloud has counselled hundreds of people and is a qualified psychologist whilst the other two books are written by a youth worker and a young pastor mainly from their own experience at a young age and who have never had to endure many years of loneliness and self-defeating beliefs.

Let me explain the way I date according to the book How to Find a Date worth Keeping. I have relatively recently changed somewhat the style of dating because of reading this book as well as Boundaries and Boundaries in Dating. Also,a visit to a Christian counselor to some extent and the book Safe People had some influence too.
Because of what I've learned about human nature (as well as super nature), there is a need to establish that the one you are with is able to delay gratification long enough to separate lust from love so that both people can objectively learn about each other. This takes a time period much longer than the traditional length of time to accomplish. Cloud and Townsend (the authors) suggest that anything less than a year is probably too soon to be talking about a truly committed relationship. They go on to say that 2 to 3 years is not an unreasonable time. They also say that it depends a bit on individual pace.
I used to focus on one woman at a time in the traditional way of dating until she or I decided we were no longer compatible, then move on or decide on being "friends". Now I casually date for a much longer period, dating a few women concurrently, to see which of those can hang in there with me in order to really get to know me, among other reasons.
(I'll stop here to clarify a definition. I think our world has two meanings for "casual dating" One meaning is as I have used it above - dating to get to know someone keeping the boundaries of physical interaction at a bare minimum initially.
The second meaning is quite the opposite and that is >>go out/have sex/repeat with different partner with a cavalier attitude.
When I use this term "casual dating" I'm using the first definition always.)
This requires that, in order to be most efficient - especially at my age, I need to "casually date" as many women as I can at first, maintaining boundaries, keeping it light until a couple of the most compatible ones rise to the surface as prime choices. Then after about 6 months to a year (a somewhat arbitrary figure up to each individual), chose and then declare exclusivity. After exclusivity is when you dig the deepest before making the official move toward marriage.
There, now that I've outlined the basic premise behind the book, let me tell you both what I like about it and what I don't like.


What I don't like
1. This style, by design, automatically all but eliminates potential mates that do not adopt this style for themselves.
For instance, if I'm am bent on dating in the traditional manner, I will likely break anything off within the first, what?, month or two right? Because in our world that is the accepted norm - acquaintance to acceptance in a relatively short time. This limits the potential "pool" of candidates based merely on the style (pace) of dating.
2. There is an intrinsic time problem with moving slowly with many candidates. Even if you are on the same style page you still have to be hooked up on a more or less parallel time continuum in order to be at the same point relationally.
For instance, if I'm at a "near exclusive" stage with woman "A" but just starting out getting to know woman "B", then I either have to slow the one relationship way down or speed the other up or just write off one in favor of the other.
3. The author actually suggests going out with people that are not Christians because "the object of dating is not to get married" I disagree.
Technically, he's right, the object at first is not to get married. But I think when I pray to God the prayer "...and lead us not into temptation.." I have a moral obligation as a mortal creature not to lead myself into temptation either.
4.There needs to be an allowance for both relational maturity and age (not the same). People further along in life should, as a whole, have more experience and therefore require less time to winnow out a suitable mate. Also, someone middle aged is less inclined to chew up 18 months or more courting than a twenty year old, simply due to logistics (remaining years).

What I like
1. The main reason I like this method is that it takes the pressure off the first few dates and it gives you time to assess a person based on objective data without simply giving lip service to the expression, "No expectations". There is less room to slouch toward promiscuity.
2. It all but eliminates that obsessive and/or lonely feeling in between dates that is, in itself emotionally and mentally limiting, distracting, and potentially damaging. It more easily allows you to maintain your boundaries.
3. It's efficient. More potential candidates mean more people to choose from (in a shorter amount of time if you're assertive) and therefore it betters your chance at connecting with a truly compatible mate.
4. In the long run, after you and your mate have selected each other you can truly be assured that you were selected from a pool of many many potential suitors and therefore the love connection will be objectively more concrete - not just based on a feeling (not to minimize feelings either). Because you've done your homework the "in love" feeling reaches more of your senses - you become sensual to the nth degree.
5. The very nature of this method requires that both participants model brutal honesty with each other from the beginning - a characteristic that is an essential building block to the health of any committed relationship.

Over all I would recommend reading this book because it's basic message is so needed in our society. Just keep an open mind and customize it to your own age and lifestyle.

I first read this book almost two years and posted a glowing review for it. As time as passed, I met many women, lost one, and now got engaged, my view of this book has become more negative. My biggest issue of recent is that he tells people (mostly women) to play the field more. That's great. But he doesn't spend enough time talking about fear of commitment, which us men have issues with. I used his book to avoid commitment, and lost a lady I really liked. When I went back to this book two years later, I noticed I didn't even highlight or make any notes in that section. So I wish he had made a bigger deal of that issue, especially for men.

I also think he should say something about long distance relationships, and that the only way to make them work is by face to face contact. Avoiding face to face because you are dating around is a terrible mistake. One has to get IN or OUT, but not in the middle. I also wish he had spent more time talking about breaking up.

What follows is the rest of the review I wrote originally.

When I first read this book, I thought it was more for women than men. As I read more, I enjoyed how he dug deep into the root of our own dating issues. Within the Christian dating, I observe many bad habits that people think are rooted in the Bible. For example, waiting on God, to which Cloud says, he hopes you like the UPS man. Instead he takes the position that you need to meet 5 people a week and then lays out many of the excuses people make, excuses that cover up our own issues. He further shows the reader how to evaluate these people. His underlying thesis is that dating is not about marriage, but about learning what you like and don't like, and dealing with your own issues before you get married.

He has a chapter for males about reclaiming the testosterone. My only cristicism is that if you are a male, and you have those problems of being too passive and weak and "nice", you need more than this book. You need No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover and Way of the Superior Man by David Deida too. And, as Cloud points out, if are male of female and have these issues, you need to get the very well written book he co-wrote with Dr. Townsend, Safe People.

I recently read Jillian Straus's book, Unhooked Generation, where she inteviewed GenXers about their struggles with finding a mate, spent many chapters explaining why their strategies didn't work, and in the end, provided secrets of happy couples. She doesn't touch church or the Bible, yet she, through interviewing people, came to the same conclusions that Cloud did, meaning, don't judge to fast, talk to a lot of people, and just do it.

I also had an issue with his chapter on unleashing your libido. The focus on that was that women should dress sexy, but not have sex. He didn't say a word about men. The church has been always insisted on "no sex before marriage." But what about the guys, who are too bonded to their mother? They claim celibacy, but in reality, fear commitment, are emotionally unavailable, and raging with toxic shame. John Bradshaw writes about it in his books, and a lot of guys in the church are like that. As a guy, I was always respectful to women and never even touched them -- needless to say, I could dropped because I couldn't show affection. Cloud doesn't mention this at all. As I said earlier, I think men who read this book need to make sure they have read the No More Mr. Nice Guy too, and worked on their fear of commitment issues.

I must honestly say that this book revolutionized my outlook on dating. Unlike other books written about dating by Christian authors, Cloud acknowledges the workings of the human mind throughout the book, a true benefit of his psychological knowledge. He raises all completely valid points, the most eye-opening of which for me was, an analogy of Tiger Woods. It read something to the effect of, "Tiger Woods had the goal of winning more major tournaments than any golfer in history. What if he would have said, 'The only tournaments I will play in will be major tournaments'? That's absurd. So why do people insist on dating only people they see themselves marrying?" That really hit home for me, because for so long I fell into the trap of thinking that dating is about marriage, when Cloud points out that it is about meeting new and interesting people, having fun, and learning much more about yourself in the unique environment which dating alone can provide. I wholeheartedly recommend this book for any single person, Christian or not.

Unlike a lot of other dating books I've read, Cloud's philosophies actually make logical and practical sense versus those of other authors (ie: "I Kissed Dating Goodbye"). I really cannot say enough good about this book, nor adequately summarize the profound truths therein. It is an easy read, entertaining, and eye-opening. You will not regret taking the time to read this book.

I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, but this book really revolutionalized my thinknig about dating. I definitely recommend it; and so far it's been VERY successful.

This is one of my favorite paragraphs:
Are you content with your life? Are you seeking a relationship to cure loneliness? What are you expecting marriage to cure for you? Do you see marriage as a romantic fantasy or some kind of unending bliss? Do you want to get married to prove that you are ok? Bottom line: If you "have to get married" to feel good, have a full life, feel content, have a purpose, or fulfil any other reason, you better take a hard look at that. Get a full life first, Get healed first. Get your loneliness cured first. In short, learn how to have a full life as a single person.

I bought this book when it first came out and finding that out of all the books I've read with regard to this topic, Dr. Cloud's book has been the most helpful. He recommends having an accountability group and I actually started off thinking I didn't need one. But after a few months I realized I needed one and enlisted a married friend and a single friend who I trust for advice. I'm on the slower track, mostly because I'm discovering that I have a lot to work on in terms of overcoming my fears, shyness, etc. I also had some reservations about some of the chapters such as whether it's ok to date a Non-Christian. At first I was adamantly opposed to it, but somehow I decided to try it anyway. If anything it's been an opportunity to discover what I like/don't like in a relationship. I was afraid I might fall in love with a Non-Christian but that hasn't been the case. I think it's difficult to be attracted to a Non-Christian on a deep level if he doesn't share something that is central to your life. If anything this book helped me become a more open and approachable person, I started to notice that not only men but also women strike up conversations with me. For the women I'm not talking in a romantic sense but just casual conversation. So I think it not only helped me in my dating life but also as a witness in this world. I hate to sound like I'm spiritualizing this but it's so true, as Christ followers we need to be the kind of people others want to approach. Anyway, if you're stuck in singlehood and no dating prospects in sight I think this book would radically change your situation for the better.

Reading this book may save you from wrecking your dating life, loneliness, and lack of growth.

Henry Cloud approaches dating with sound, practical, Biblical wisdom:

(1.) Don't go it alone. (Instead, find a community of healthy Christians that can give you feedback, advice, encouragement, and provide some accountability in your dating life. The bottom line: We all have emotional, spiritual, psychological brokenness, and it frequently comes out in our relationships. Get some support!)

(2.) Revise your expectations. (Dating is not just about finding a mate. It's about growing in your understanding of your self, others, relationships, preferences, etc.)

(3.) Be systematic, but avoid artificial dating games. (Rather, be as healthy as you can be, and _be yourself_. Continue in the process of healing through dating by paying attention to your self (your feelings, your thoughts, your actions and reactions) and take back the results to your community.)

I can't recommend this book enough, especially for those who may have missed out on some of the growth-producing dating experiences people have in high school and college, or for anyone who's ready for a more practical approach to dating and spiritual growth.

this book kicks your butt. My young adult pastor bought it because several of us in the group were complaining about the lack good Christian guys out there, and he wanted to help. So, I read "the book" and I just had to stop complaining. I think it's been really easy to say we're "waiting for God to bring the right person" when really there are areas of fear in our hearts that are holding us back. It's hard to read, but it brings freedom!

When compared with other Christian dating books this author's perspective seems secular. He mentions the fundamental importance of a personal relationship with God, and then focuses on practical ways of learning healthy dating patterns. The book is not directed at teenagers but adults who are either not dating or in a dating rut. He is a professional councilor and this book systematically addresses common psychological pitfalls involved with dating.

While some Christians might be disturbed with the idea of dating around, he emphasizes the importance of actively pursuing members of the opposite sex. This is not worldly dating; in his words "Dating is an activity where you do fun, meaningful things with interesting people." I like the way he emphasize the importance of casual dating as a way to strengthen one's dating muscle. "Dating is not about marriage!" I often fall into the trap of requiring an interesting person to pass my large list of internal marriage requirements before I'll think of asking her out to do something. This would be fine if I had a strong dating muscle, but my weak dating muscle leaves me feeling over-anxious and under-prepaired in the rare event I find a "worthy" candidate.

Of the half dozen dating books I've read this one is the most useful. In fact--I'm rereading it.

I bought this book for my two single adult children, based on a friend's recommendation. This book is very much about helping single people think about their lives in a rational, human, holistic way. It pulls the focus off getting a mate, and puts it on being an involved, healthy person who has good, real relationships, which, yes, will lead to a mate. There is some specific Christian guidance in here, but it is embedded in the main topic, so this is not a biblical commentary on singleness. A strength of the book is that he gives some pages to addressing the issues that cause a person to pick the wrong companions over and over again, and perpetuates craziness and dysfunction from generation to generation. It is a valuable book for any single person, Christian or not, as it addresses head-on the messed up thinking they can get trapped in as part of the single life. The only thing that would make the book stronger is a section on some of the angst of what a Christian life is really supposed to look like, and maybe some discussion on singleness as a calling of God. The singles I know feel like the church treats them as 2nd class citizens, as in, "get married and then you can be part of the real church."