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60 of 61 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars State of the art Spirituality
When my relationship soured, I was very frustrated trying to get help from counselors (influenced by 12 step programs) who only talked to me about my co-dependency, and "What was wrong with me that I wanted my partner back?" When I was really in a lot of pain, I could hear them thinking "Oh no!, Not another couple who got together without realizing how screwed up they...
Published on January 1, 2002 by David M

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141 of 150 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Good for some, not for most
This book would be very helpful if YOU were the one who left your mate, or possibly if your mate left because he/she felt unappreciated.

For those of us who were dumped, (which is probably most people looking at the book) I would recommend searching for other books about moving on and getting on with your life, even though I'm sure that's not what you want to...
Published on May 20, 2005 by L. Hilton


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141 of 150 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Good for some, not for most, May 20, 2005
Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
This book would be very helpful if YOU were the one who left your mate, or possibly if your mate left because he/she felt unappreciated.

For those of us who were dumped, (which is probably most people looking at the book) I would recommend searching for other books about moving on and getting on with your life, even though I'm sure that's not what you want to hear. But often the best way to get someone back is to get over them.

Women should be especially careful with the ideas in the book, since men often feel smothered and trapped in relationships. (Sending him roses every day = bad idea!) Remember, you don't want him to be glad you're gone, you want him to be surprised at how well you're doing without him! This will make him wonder if he made a mistake, versus confirming in his mind that you are needy/clingy, etc.

The book also lacks specifics. It appears to be written for married couples or people living together, since it seems to suggest that you will be seeing your ex daily, which isn't true in my case. There is really no advice on how to contact your ex if you didn't live together, and therefore have no reason to talk to him/her anymore.

It does have some good relationship advice in general, but overall it left me still wondering what to do. Instead of obsessing over it, I bought "How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days," which is more helpful.

I figure if you move on and eventually start to date other people and then your ex comes back, it will be a nice surprise (or you will realize that the spell is broken and maybe you don't want them back anymore). Either way you win.
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60 of 61 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars State of the art Spirituality, January 1, 2002
By 
David M (Ocean City, Maryland (....)) - See all my reviews
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
When my relationship soured, I was very frustrated trying to get help from counselors (influenced by 12 step programs) who only talked to me about my co-dependency, and "What was wrong with me that I wanted my partner back?" When I was really in a lot of pain, I could hear them thinking "Oh no!, Not another couple who got together without realizing how screwed up they were! Got to get them apart!" Although it's true that both my lover and I had plenty of areas to where we need to grow, we had a lot of good things going for us too, and I was pleased to find an approach which allowed me to use my strengths to improve the areas where I was weak in the relationship. I've never been convinced that wanting to work on a relationship always co-dependency. Stephan Levine, John Welwood, Gail and Hugh Prather, Barry and Joyce Vissel and others all speak of a relationship can be a path of awakening, and all would agree, I think, that there are times when one person has to carry the relationship. This book shows how to do that.
What I liked best about this book is that the author's ideas allowed me to take an *active* approach to untangling the knots in my relationship. The approach gave me something to do -- internal work on myself which made a difference in my relationship. It was not about bugging my partner.
I bought the book when I read in chapter 1 where the author wrote "A lost relationship may be a lost opportunity for growth." You don't hear that much from anyone. (And that's the way I felt, not that I just wanted to cling to my lover.If I was clinging, I wanted to stop.) And in chapter 2, "Loving 100% to Get Your Lover Back," I really enjoyed reading the author's working definition of love: "the active care and concern for the life and growth of another human being." And yes, my favorite chapter was chapter 9, "Dealing with the Resistant Lover," where the author use of many real life examples seems to bring the writing alive. Yes, my lover was resistant, and yes, I do think this chapter would be good to expand.
I don't fully agree with the March 29, 1999 reader from Irving, Texas. He says the book advises practicing "positive visualization." No. It doesn't say visualization. It says practice creating positive moments. Visualization is only one technique which might help, and the book mentions that only briefly. It rather says work on creating loving moments with your beloved, even if your beloved hates you right now. It may be true that this book doesn't tell you specifically what to do when your partner gets involved in a long term relationship with someone else and they can't or won't tell you what's going on, but I felt that the books encouragement to create positive moments covered that scenario by extension. In other words, you could, if you really wanted to, try to get your lover back if they are in a long term relationship with someone else, it would just be a matter of being very careful to maximize your opportunities to create positive moments. (But if your partner was really happy in that relationship, does loving them 100% include trying to pry them out of a situation they are happy with? That's the question.)
The July 22, 2000 reader from USA might be right when she says that the book will attract love addicts, but one of the major points of the book is to show that "addiction" to love (is addiction to Love really possible? - Charlotte Kasl, a major figure in the co-dependency movement, refutes that idea in her book Woman, Sex, and Addiction) really doesn't work. Making a pest of your self doesn't work. Smothering doesn't work. Failing to love your own self and failing keeping your energy up doesn't work. Love is defined in this book as showing your partner "active care and concern" and keeping your neediness out of the way while you try to create positive, intimate moments. Only 100% pure love, including loving your self, allows you to create such moments.
I feel it is one of the few books which has some practical techniques about how to prevent your relationship from becoming another statistic in the 50%+ divorce rate. (I don't object to divorce necessarily, by why is it so many of us are getting up and saying "`til death do us part," when we can't seem to live up to it?) This book helped me understand what goes wrong when people get intimate and gave me ideas about what "one person can do to get the two of you back together." Maybe you can't change your partner, but you can keep an eye out for your own reactive patterns. (Watching out that you don't step into your partner's stuff doesn't hurt neither.)
Amazon has an interview with the author at .....
I've heard that this author is working on several other books, including one called Radical Intimacy: How to Dance in Tune with Your Own Life Force, and also that he has recently recorded a "book on tape" version of How to Get Your Lover Back.
I found a web site about this book, ...... Apparently the author also runs a retreat or something someplace in Hawaii where he helps people with their relationships.
- ....
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40 of 41 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Paying Attention is the key, May 30, 2006
By 
Douglas M. McKenzie (Salt Lake City, Utah USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)   
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
If you care less, you are never going to get the meaning of this book and will definitely give up on trying to get your lover back, and in effect, won't. I was recently engaged and my lover called it off and said I wasn't "the one" for her. Applying Dr. Harris' principles has helped turn things the other direction.

This book and his teachings emphasize on true love. No relationship will ever work if it is not based on true love. Since buying his book, I have had two phone consultations with Dr. Harris that have been tremendously insightful.

Before you read this book you have to ask yourself some questions such as: Am I willing to do whatever it takes? And: Am I willing to unlearn everything I've ever been taught about love and relationships that is disempowering me from being with the person I love and having a fulfilling relationship with that person? And: Am I willing to have the patience and make that effort to love that person back into my life? Do not think this book has anything to do with being dependent, the method a lot of us try to use to manipulate our ex into coming back to us; which is why most of us believe that it's impossible to get our ex back. If you believe or want to believe in true love, this book will open it up to you!!!

My own opinion is that if you're willing to make these changes, you will be able to open your mind and "get" the principles Dr. Harris is teaching. The problem for most people when they hear these concepts, (my opinion based on observation) is that this approach and claim is entirely new because we live in a society that doesn't really personify this approach so these methods are rarely seen nor implemented. Most people have been dealing with a breakup with the person they love so ineffectively, they believe it's impossible. The purpose of this book is to manipulate your dependency and your inability to make a relationship continue (If that is what you desire) and empower you to love and if you truly love your ex, this book will show you what to do. If you are just a needy and dependent person, you will find out through this book. If you are just angry, because your ego is wounded that won't help you either. If you want to be with your ex because you love him or her, this book will enrich your thinking and empower you to succeed. But you have to manipulate your dependency first. True love isn't forceful or demanding, so you will know how not to behave in ways that are deterring your ex right now. If you still have doubts, I would encourage you to see Dr. Harris' online videos first before making the decision to order his book. Go to [...] to see him interviewed on television. I think you will find his insight fascinating and helpful. The power is in you and implementing these principles to make this work for you. Remember this saying, whether you think you can or you can't, you're right! Open your mind and buy this book if you really love your ex-lover. He or she is worth it!! So are you!!
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52 of 55 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars This Stuff Really Works!, July 5, 2005
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
The best thing about this book is that it helps you gain some control over what seems to be an experience much like driving a car over a cliff at 100 mph while wearing a blindfold.

I first read How to Get Your Lover Back at the on-set of a doomed relationship. It worked then, though I eventually realized that I didn't want the relationship. I read it again a few years later to save a relationship that very well feels like it will be a forever one. Both times, the guidance provided in this book prevailed.

Not only is it a book about how to regain your loved one's affection, but also provides guidance on how to truly develop as a person capable of a long-term relationship. It helped me understand how my behavior needed to change in order to gain what I wanted in myself and for my relationship.

Instead of begging and pleading, Harris coaches the reader to modify destructive behavior patterns, those typical "needy," co-dependent behaviors that only push your loved one further away--like competing with a new person in your intended's life, caving in to calling or contacting your loved one, and creating negative experiences when you do communicate, to name a few topics discussed.

Instead of making those common mistakes, you will evaluate the healthfulness of the relationship, grow to understand the concept of giving 100% love, and gain a perspective on how to modify your behavior so that you are a stable, secure person who is the picture of what your lover wants and needs.
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31 of 31 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Silly title but a wake up call to grow up, June 13, 2006
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
I just came across this on Amazon. I read it over 10 years ago after a break up when I knew I didn't want to do the same old "sour grapes, who needed him" bull. I remember loving the book and trying it all, taking the higher road, feeling the grief and really trying to be his friend and supportive. I really gave the book a shot and 10 years later I am still married to my best friend in the world, the guy I read the book regarding. I can't attribute it all to one book but this is a great start at getting clear, taking responsibility and growing up emotionally. I recommend it and therapy and know that the right relationship will reveal itself if you do the footwork. I did find this book at the exact right moment and if you can get past the title I think it has a lot to offer.
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43 of 46 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Very insightful to those fraught with painful emotions, January 20, 2000
By A Customer
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
I didn't really believe this book, as I am typically a cynic, but it wasn't expensive, and considering my typical overwhelming and incessant thoughts of my ex recently, reading in general proved to be immensely helpful, so I bought it. What it did was give me a peace of mind, because I thought it described so accurately my feelings in the wake of the dissolution of my relationship. In fact, it was so precise in describing my thoughts and actions during this aftermath, I was constantly laughing at my crazy acts as of late thinking "does this guy Harris know me?". Beyond that insight, which was great in itself, it shows you that the feelings you want to express to someone you have lost can rarely be expressed in the appropriate manner because you are constantly having emotional meltdowns over them. While my goal hasn't been attained (yet), it boosts your self-confidence enough to realize your feelings and understand that the situation usually becomes exacerbated due to solely to you (as the one rejected). It teaches you to be calm down, look at the goal as a priority and suppress the ugly, needy, and noxious emotions that won't get you anywhere. It even parallels the state one is in during a breakup to that of a substance/alcohol user. I.e., like AA teaches to users before having a drink, you need to think about the ramifications. In this scenario, you need to think your thoughts through before you act. It helps you, to say it colloquially, to "be cool", and to show your affection for another (your ex at the moment) through a self-assuredness that perhaps hadn't really existed in your recent attempts to fix the mess you are in. It effectively helps peel away the insecure and unattractive veneer you have inadvertantly masked yourself with. I didn't give it 5 stars, because I don't want to mislead anyone; it may not work. But it does show you what NOT to do if you are ever to get anywhere. Buy it, it feels good to read if you are (like I was) suffering from a "lack of control" in reaching the goal of showing someone you love that in fact you do really love them.
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38 of 41 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Insightful, even if it didn't quite work as I would have liked, December 4, 2005
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This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
Well, I will start out by saying that this book did not work for me when I was reading it. (I must say I am glad it didn't now, but all the same..) I think as many reviewers have noted, that this book would be great for people (especially men...sorry guys, but it is true) who actually have contact with their ex. But for those of us average folks who, when an adult relationship ends, don't see our ex any longer on a regular basis, the information is useless for the purpose described by the book's title. However, I feel that were I in a troubled relationship, this book would be great to read for advice to prevent it from ending. It was very insightful to read and learn after the fact, the things that I did which may have ultimately doomed the relationship.

So in summary, it is good to read if you A) See your ex-lover regularly, B) Are in a failing relationship you want to save, or C) Just need to reflect on your relationship habits to try and revise your behavior. But don't get it hoping that it will magically bring your ex-lover back to you otherwise!
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25 of 27 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars I was disappointed, February 23, 1999
By A Customer
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
I was disappointed in this book. Granted there was some solid useful advice: That you should show by word and deed how much you truly love your ex and put your own neediness on hold; use positive visualization; don't grovel or argue. My problem is that all such useful advice is presented in a general and abstract fashion, whereas the material that is concrete and specific is severely limited in application. For example, almost all of the couples in the case histories are already seeing one another regularly for dinner and a movie. But Dr. Harris offers no real advice on how to get to that point! What if you are not regularly seeing your ex at work or school or for "catch up dates?" There is an extremely limited chapter at the end, almost like an afterthought, on "Dealing With A Resistant Lover," that needs to be expanded! If your lover isn't "resistant," you don't need this book in the first place. A big chapter up front, on "Sex With Your Ex" seems largely gratuitous. If nothing else, the placement and weight given to these two subjects should be reversed. I'm anxious to try out the good stuff I learned from Dr. Harris. I just wish he had told me how to get close enough to my ex to do that. Sorry, but his advice to send cards and/or gifts at Christmas and birthdays doesn't quite cut it.
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20 of 21 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Life-changing new ideas, October 10, 1999
By A Customer
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
Don't be fooled by the cheesy title at all. I was, but luckily, instead of sneaky gimmicks, I found a book that taught one principal idea - if you can and do love your ex 100%, you will want to do what is best for him/her, which is ultimately to give them love, space, and time. This is an invaluable lesson in giving to others, not always putting yourself first. It's a lesson you can apply anywhere, and not only made me want to use it on my ex, but my friends and family as well. Of course, it doesn't work for everyone. What do you do when your ex truly tires of you, and falls out of love? But if in your relationship, there was love, Dr. Harris gives you hope that there IS something you can do - love your lover with all your heart, and things will work out for the best. The greatest thing about this book is that no one loses in the end. There could have been more specifics in the book, though. There was a lot of rambling and no defined clear-cut answers. In a time of despair like we are in, blunt solutions are all we want to hear!
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18 of 19 people found the following review helpful
4.0 out of 5 stars Some good ideas, May 30, 2003
By A Customer
This review is from: How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before) (Paperback)
Some of this book I disagreed with , for example "loving 100%" this is great for a man to get a woman back, but most men want space and are also naturally drawn back in if you show you are ok without them. I think it is dangerous to reassure them that any communication is fine (ex friends, etc.) LET THEM MISS YOU!! Do not call or talk to them and they will come around on their on time.
For men this is a womnderful book!!For women- get "Dont call that man"
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How to Get Your Lover Back: Successful Strategies for Starting Over (& Making It Better Than It Was Before)
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