Customer Reviews

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

5 star:		(29)
4 star:		(10)
3 star:		(6)
2 star:		(5)
1 star:		(0)

 

 

In a flurry of humor, depression, and morbid curiosity, I actually went and bought this damn book. I haven't read it cover to cover, but I've digested a good chunk of it. A significant portion of it is dedicated to reprinting USENET posts, where Nishigaki posts his ideas to a depression newsgroup, and every other poster gets completely and utterly baffled. The first few chapters are just this sense of back and forth. Then it launches into heavy theory, written in that zesty sense of "Engrish" as seen in the description. Its method for combating depression is something that I have yet to even consider trying, but as a general humor book, this is probably one of the funniest and most bizarre reads you'll encounter. I still randomly open to a page, read it, and feel better about whatever the heck was bringing me down in the first place. Get this book for comedy, not for advice.

Okay, I bought this book because of the "Engrish" translation. It appears to have been laterally translated from Japanese to English (like the Japanese term for "Carousel" is literally "pony toy go round"). I read it, and I had quite a few laughs, mainly at the surrealism of the language.

But I decided to try the methods described in the book. Anal constrition and stomach compression, 100 times a day for several days.

At the risk of seeming disgusting, permit me to say that several days after I started this practice, I experienced what was probably the largest bowel movement in my life. I've also lost a few inches around the waistline and my energy level seems to be rising.

Perhaps there's some wisdom in this book after all!

I've only had this book for a day or so, and I haven't even thought about reading it from start to finish, but it is pretty gosh darn funny. At the end of the book, the author (Niroyuki Nishigaki) thanks everyone for "finishing reading what I have written in bad English." Bad English indeed! I'll share one of my favorite lines with you and if you think it's funny, I suggest you purchase this book.

"Besides shooting out a big blank from your buttock, you can feel as if your root chakra leaked sweet hot mucus."

That line doesn't make any sense, but it's pretty great. Sometimes I like to open the book up to random pages and read passages for a good laugh. Enjoy!

As I sit here typing this, while constricting my anus, I can't help but consider how thoughtful and timely this book was. I ALREADY am reaping the benefits of Mr. Nishigaki's "anal-fountain-of-youth", even though it has only been a short morning's-worth of anus constriction.

I have quickly begun to "erase my bad sticky feeling", and am feverishly working on the "secret of shooting out [my] immaterial fibers or third attention to [my] work from [my] body".

With focused effort, and continued application, I have no doubt that I'll soon be "making * * * three times in succession without drawing out."

A lovely treatise on the power of positive-sphincking.

PS Added bonus; if all goes well, I'll be able to use my anus as a pencil sharpener....

On a lark, I went and bought the book. It's certainly amusing, but most of the humor comes from the author's mangled "Engrish," which, I understand, is the result of a computer translation program.

The first two sections of the book are usenet posts, and the posts are absurdly repetitive, so much so that I began to feel ripped off. A funny group post begins to lose its appeal after you've read it (as well as the three replys that followed) three times. It became hard to get to the remainder of the book.

The remaining three sections are Nishigaki's writing, and are based on the teachings of Carlos Castaneda. While I'm inclined to believe that both Castaneda and Nishigaki are both lunatics who need to be institutionalized, I didn't buy the book to learn about the healing effects of anal-clenching; I got the book because it looked like a good laugh.

The content of the book doesn't really justify its price, but some of the mangled "Engrish" is REALLY funny, and I absolutely love the horrified looks on my roommates' faces when they bring guests over, only to discover this book lying on the coffee table. You probably have to be a little warped to buy this book, but if you're already looking at this page, methinks this is the book for you.

Recent world events, a crumbling stock market, uncertainty for the future. Depression? Worry? Yes and yes. The future looked very bleak indeed. Fortunately all that has changed thanks to Dr. Nishigaki.

I first learned of his constriction techniques while volunteering at a local home for the aged called, "Sunshine Acres." I thought that doing volunteer work for those in need would make me feel better about my own dire existence. What I found in the home both shocked and amazed me.

Instead of tired and cranky I found the people in the home full of life, dancing the days away in idle splender as they literally waltzed from bridge game to flower arranging to aqua-aerobics. They called themselves (laughing) the "Sunny Side-Ups." Meals were full of dancing and singing followed by a bawdy burlesque show performed by a half dozen octagenarians.

I sat speechless as an 86-year old calmly mounted a pommel horse for a few quick spins while two 90-year olds simulatenously demonstrated feats of strength with two steel rods and a bungee cord. Finally it all became too much and I asked their secret. The answer of course was "How to Goodbye Depression" and specifically, anus constriction.

After that amazing night I immediately bought the book and have been doing the exercises in ever increasing degree, culminating in a rapid fire pulse of 483 straight constrictions moments before I wrote this review. In fact I just did 10 during that last sentence.

My life is better, I am not depressed, nor do I feel the dread of waking up and facing a dead-end job, mounting bills, and the uncertainty of a wasted life. Instead I constrict, constrict and constrict my way to happiness.

Shoot out your super high speed third attention to a star, erase stickiness and other wonders are yours if you simply practice the tenants in this book by Hiroyuki Nishigaki, who also wrote the stirring sequel to this book, "Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix: Carlos Castaneda Shamanism Plus Alpha After His Death," which is even less coherent, if you can believe it.

Having been a student of bad grammar and compositional ineptitude since I first found the works of Pedro Carolino, I was compelled to read this book, and I was not disappointed. In this book you will find an appalling lack of respect for the English language, a zero coherence quotient and delicately turned phrases that would be impossible for a lesser astral being than Mr. Nishigaki. If you delight in all such inept manifestations you will love this book.

That isn't the only reason to be fond of the book, though. The entire premise of the book is absolutely ridiculous. Basically his premise boils down to this: the key to health, happiness, and a long life is to have six bowel movements a day, to dent your navel 100 times a day, and to constrict your anus 100 times a day, or in the words of Mr. Nishigaki: " Denting navel and constricting anus 100 times everyday is the most effective to make the fire burn from within." (It works for me!)

If you enjoy the truly outlandish, this is an excellent place to start.

since reading this book, I have attempted to put it into practice, but with only minor results. I am an elderly gentleman and generally quite fit, and I have found that yes, my buttocks are tauter and I no longer retain as much 'ballast' (cutting down on my prune bill) but it has done little to alleviate the crippling despair and blackness that threatens to crash down at any moment, like a heavy velvet curtain crushing my ribcage until I can't breathe.

This book is easily one of the top five publications available on the market today addressing anti-depressant anus constriction. The book also alludes to additional benefits, including reverse aging and sexual potency.

The book does an excellent job of covering the following topics:

* Anus constriction

I highly recommend this book.

This book is better than lithium. I was depressed for years until I came across Mr. Nishigaki and his incredible anus book. I was skeptical at first, but after only a week of the recommended anus exercises, I could feel my spirits lifting, my buns firming and my blank-shooting ability reaching new heights. It's now been three months since I began the program, and I feel as if I've finally mastered my emotions. Nope, no more crying jags at the liquor store...for me. Instead, whenever I get down or feel as though I might need to abuse myself, I simply stop, concentrate on crushing the imaginary walnut in my anus and-BLAMMO!-all depressing and/or criminal thoughts are gone in a single squeaky fart. Of course, the resultant hemorrhoidal burning and itching can suck a bit, but I just think of it as the price one has to pay for rectal sanity.