Customer Reviews

How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing With Toxic & Difficult to Love Personalities

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Dr. Lund's book is one of the most influential books I have read. The subtitle to the book is "Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities." His prior book "The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism," contained some of the information in this current book, but "How to Hug a Porcupine" is better organized and more concise.

The book spends a large amount of time in identifying the characteristics of "emotional porcupines." These emotional porcupines are usually people that seek to control their lives and the lives of others. They constantly throw emotional quills and consequently are difficult to hug without impaling one's self. The most intersting part of the book is on how to live with a "porcupine." The strength of this self-help book is that it gives you concrete ways to protect and arm yourself from the damaging quills of emotional porcupines.

Soon after reading this book, I changed my cell phone to read "No Critics", to remind me of the damage that any criticism (there is no such thing as constructive criticism according to Lund) can do to others and to remind me to not criticize.

Dr. Lund's book is full of insight and, most importantly, methods on how to improve yourself if you are a porcupine and also on how to deal with porcupines without damaging your own ego. Dr. Lund also has a tape out that covers similar material, but I believe was recorded well before he wrote this book. This is a book that can help anyone in their relationships with children, siblings, parents or spouses.

How To Hug a Porcupine should be read by every person who is in or has been in a toxic relationship. I found this book to be one of the most inspiring self-help books I have ever read. I found it difficult to read at times, because I felt I was reliving my past. Dr. Lund starts out with a very detailed Table of Contents, outlining every chapter. There are numberous case studies, I appreciated the fact that they didn't always work out like the textbook said they should. There are quizzes to take. Specific step-by-step directions on how to help you become a more healthy person despite the porcupines in your life. Dr. Lund helps you learn how to use "armored gloves and other tools" in dealing with any toxic person - young, old, spouse, child. Dr. Lund uses similies/medaphors in describing behaviors. I have found many useful ideas in helping me become a more healthy person. This book is awesome, I highly recommend it!

I read this book, thinking I had people in my life that would fit the description of porcupines, and that I could pick up a few pointers on how to handle them. Imagine my horror and dismay when I discovered that I'M a porcupine!!! That is, I have a goodly number of the characteristics that the author uses to define porcupine behavior. I was stunned to see that many qualities that I saw in myself as being "helpful" to people are in fact toxic and painful. When I looked at these traits from the point of view of "would I want someone to treat ME that way?" the answer was a definite "No." *sigh* Thus, reading the book became one of the most painful experiences of my life. Now I have to say that I think that I'm one of the nicest porcupines you'll ever meet. Nonetheless, I saw traits in myself that need to be changed. Mr. Lund gives you steps to take if you want to eliminate these behaviors, and it has been my daunting task to work on this ever since. It took me about three years (!!!!! NO, I'm not kidding) to complete the assignment of going through one twenty-four day without saying anything negative at all. Try it before you roll your eyeballs into next week. It's (MUCH) harder than you think. I'm not sure a truly toxic person could take this book. But it does give good strategy suggestions for protecting yourself from such people.

All I can say is good luck.

This book was like finding a miracle for me. I have dealt with several difficult people in my life. I didn't know that this was not normal behavior. One of them was my mother who is now 85 years old and getting a more difficult personality everyday. This book has helped my perspective in dealing with her immensely. The one sentence, "decide what a reasonable person would do" has been a sanity saver. I have taken my life back and am learning to deal with all the guilt she dishes out in a more positive manner.

I have already given this book to several others that I know are dealing with a toxic personality. Good luck to you, this book will help you deal with these people in a more healthy way.

I will not cover info already covered by the other reviewers. One noteworthy addition to what has been stated is the clear information on loving as compared to trusting a toxic person. Many who deal with toxic people feel guilt themselves, feeling that they must continue to lay themselves bare for the inevitable criticism bound to spew forth from their loved ones. The info on love vs. trust describes how to protect your emotions (to entrust them to those who are worthy) from toxic people - how to love them emotionally while not necessarily trusting them emotionally.

It's been four years since I read, studied and applied the concepts in this book. My 'porcupine' did not read the book and I didn't discuss anything I learned with him. I was amazed that the changes I made and the loving respectful actions I learned to take eventually virtually eliminated behaviors in him I was sure would never change. Our relationship changed from being frequently painful to being mostly congenial. I've never seen anything remotely similar to this described anywhere else. This goes beyond helping with dealing with criticism into a handbook for dealing with and eliminating verbally abusive behaviors, as well as defining when and how to leave if that is needed.

I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with those who are painful to interact with, as well as those who might suspect they are hard to deal with.

I read this book to help me deal with my very toxic MIL and it has helped me immensely! I highly recommend it for anyone seeking sanity from a highly critical or "toxic" person in your life. John's humor and down-to-earth approach makes this book very easy and enjoyable to read.

This book is great when dealing with all kinds of personalities. But what I liked most was being able to identify and cope with the different types. And yes even finding that there were tough to love spots in my reflection. Really a good book for relating to parents, children, spouses and self and anyone you have a close working relationship with.

This book is superb. I'ts chock full of practical things you can do to deal with those difficult people in your life (teenagers,parents or in-laws, bosses,spouses, scary neighbors to name a few). The writing style is very personal and captivating with real life examples taken from his years of being a professional counselor/therapist. I wish I could give this book to everyone I know. I especially like the tip of writing down when you receive criticism so you can honestly evaluate it and give it the attention it deserves.

This book has been, and will continue to be, a much needed education for me and my family. It is one that I will read over and over until I break my "porcupine" habits. In just the few weeks as I have read and applied the things I learned a huge difference has come in my relationships with my family members and the way I see others. So impressed I bought one for a friend and will probably buy 2 more to give away to people in need.