Customer Reviews

How to Hug a Porcupine: Negotiating the Prickly Points of the Tween Years

5 star:		(8)
4 star:		(2)
3 star:		(0)
2 star:		(0)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

If you are a parent thinking ahead, or wondering how to handle issues (and when), this book is just what you need. It isn't a "how to" - it is a "here is the perspective you need to make your own decisions".

While every example obviously won't suit your family situation, you will be getting a real dose of reality about the issues your children and their friends (and their friends' families) will be dealing with.

Ms Ross approaches every issue with common sense and clear thinking. In several cases, I couldn't see myself handling the issues the way they were handled in the examples, but seeing how someone handled them is invaluable in thinking about what might be best in your family.

The sections on drugs and sex were especially valuable for two reasons: 1) the advice was clear and sensible, and 2) if you think you can skirt the issues, or avoid tackling them head-on, you won't after you read this book - as Ms Ross guides you through the issues and various ways to handle them, she also makes clear exactly what is at stake for your child and his or her personal safety and happiness.

If you are a concerned parent, you will find this highly intelligent book filled with thoughtful advice and interesting perspective on how other parents in this generation are dealing with this generation's issues.

I've read lots of advice books, and none of them are perfect. But this is the one that left me with the clearest plans for dealing with critical Tween issues. Parenting isn't about reading a book and doing what it tells you - it's about understanding issues, and figuring out how to deal with them in a way that best suits you and your children. Ms Ross' book is a wonderful resource for intelligent,thinking parents.

This is an extraordinary book which will change the way that I think about and relate to my child. The book's premises are that pre-adolescents and adolescents in the years of middle school are like the chrysalis of a butterfly, struggling to change but susceptible to damage if handled too much or in the wrong way, and that communication which creates a trusting relationship enables the teenager who eventually emerges to make healthy choices. The strengths of the book are the care with which it details specific forms of communication which will and will not create this relationship based on case histories of parents and adolescents. I found it compelling because it was able to take highly personal situations and put them in a perspective that persuaded me to see my own child's behavior in new ways. Ross presents a significant amount of research on such topics as substance abuse, sexual practice and internet use but weaves the research so gracefully through case history that the book is accessible, lively and clear to the general reader while still making a theoretical contribution to theories of personality.

I read lots of parenting books (I'm a librarian) and this was one of the best I could find on parenting tweens. I just finished reading the library's copy but now I'm going to buy my own. Highly recommended.

The impact of Julie Ross's book may not be felt for another 15 to 20 years, but the impact could be powerful. If you look at the financial crisis we're facing, it's obvious there's a significant portion of the current generation that believes that anything goes as long as you don't get caught, and if you do get caught, find someone other than yourself to blame. Children raised to "behave" or "obey" rarely develop an inner compass between right and wrong. They may have the appearance of propriety, but the when push comes to shove, they'll do what's in their best interest, and to hell with everybody else.

To counter this trend, Julie Ross's new book offers the radical proposition that instead of trying to get your child to "behave", we should teach our children how to "cooperate". Using dozens of real life examples culled from actual cases, she offers clear, practical techniques on how to raise children who are neither door mats or bullies but instead are courageous, cooperative and compassionate human beings.

This is not a "know it all" book. These are dispatches sent directly from the trenches of modern day parent / child conflict, and Julie doesn't steer away from difficult and touchy topics like sex, drugs, addiction and peer pressure. But as with her other books (Joint Custody with a Jerk and Practical Parenting for the 21st Century), she writes with insight and humor about the challenges of raising prickly 'tweens, always with an eye on the prize: raising children to become the kind of adults we can be proud of.

Ok, so the author does include a few useful tips, like strategies for projecting empathy, but nothing that was news if you have been reading any books on this subject. The things that drove me absolutely insane, however, were 1) the condescending tone used throughout (parents, you are idiots!); 2) the repeated assertion that growing up today is so different from when we grew up that we cannot possibly understand the stresses on our children (say what??!); and 3) imbecilic examples.

Let me elaborate on my third complaint using illustrations from the book regarding how a parent should handle a child's desire for ear-piercing. The parent who said no to piercing was rewarded with a child who got a full arm tattoo instead--message, saying no is a mistake. The parent who secretly wanted her daughter to wait until age 16 to pierce the ears did not tell the daughter this--instead, she said to the girl, "I am not ready yet, let's revisit this issue in six months." Somehow she was able to continue this strategy over a period of years!!! How did this child not catch on? And this kind of subterfuge was given as the example of how to handle a conflict!

The message of most of the examples in the book--either say yes to everything, because you can't possibly understand what your child is going through, or lie outright to avoid the conflict--does not provide an example of the kind of parenting strategies that I would like to pursue. And given the condescending tone, I'd only pick this one up if you want to give your blood-pressure a hefty surge. My copy went in the give-away box in case there are parents out there devoid of both common sense and self-esteem.

What a great tool to have when you have a child that is changing before your eyes. This book gives wonderful examples of real life situations with useful advice. Also a relief to see that my son's many moods are completely normal. A must have!

I bought this book on recommendation of a friend. When I first got the book in the mail, I was intrigued by the claims on the back cover:

* Find out how other parents survived nightmarish tween behavior -- and still raised great kids

* Break the "nagging cycle," give your kids the right balance of responsibilities, and get results

* Talk about sex, drugs, and alcohol so your kid will listen

* Discover the secret that will help your child disregard peer pressure and make smart choices -- for life

I found this book to be an excellent resource for parents to learn how to develop strong, lasting relationships with their tweens and teens. The middle school years are full of internal and external changes for a child. Julie Ross explains these changes, and focuses on how parents can effectively communicate with their tweens, using a "relationship approach", rather than an "authority approach". She discusses and gives examples of special communication techniques for parents to use, such as listening with heart, "tell me more", "the sandwich," and trust contracts, to name a few. Ross goes over her basic techniques in the first few chapters, then explains how to use them in different situations.

My favorite parts of the book were the real-life illustrations of parents who had attended parenting workshops with Ross, then went home and put their new skills to the test. She also gives a few examples of parents who did NOT use the skills, and how differently the situations turned out. Not every child is the same, and Ross gives lots of insight on how to reach your tween on all different levels. I highly recommend this book for all parents who currently or will some day have a tween.

Exactly at the right time, this book found me.

From the first chapter, I was exhaling sighs of relief, thinking to myself, 'OhthankGod, I'm going to get this right now.' And it's working. No self help, no threats, just good old fashioned perspective on parenting a "tween" (not my favorite term).

But I'm sure these words of wisdom and smart guidance don't end at 'tween'; they carry over into young adulthood and beyond.

It's good advice, good guidance that makes a lot of sense! Wish my folks' had this when I was 13!

Book recommended by my daughter's classmate's mother. Insightful and easy read. I've passed it onto another mother.

Kiss the summer blahs goodbye! Let preteen & teen expert, Julie Ross turn your kids' so-so summer into a summer of GOOD DEEDS, GOOD FUN and GREAT PRIZES! [...]