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If only I'd read this book first ....
on December 30, 2015
About a month ago I found myself in a situation at work whereby I just didn’t know what to do. I desperately needed a dump. I could hold it, but not for long. You’ve been there, I’m sure.
The toilet’s situated in the corridor and I’d been watching the comings and goings closely. During the summer I was in there when about three or four blokes came in, all chatting to each other, and I could make out who they all were by their voices. But eventually one of them said, “Phwoarr, that’s a bit strong, who’s in there?”
I sat silent, of course.
“Hamlet is that you?” (Hamlet, that really is his name)
I sat silent.
Knock knock knock “Hamlet, is that you stinking out the place again?”
I sat silent
Eventually they left. I gave it five minutes and snuck out, made a detour into the kitchen and arrived back at my desk with a cup of tea so I wouldn’t get the blame.
Well, this situation a month ago was much worse. Like I say, I desperately needed a dump, and I’d been watching the door to the corridor closely. Eventually I figured no one was in the toilet, so now was my chance. I rocked on into the toilet, where there are two cubicles, only to find one of them locked.
Now obviously I’m not going to go into the other one because I’d be sitting about 15″ away from some other bloke with nothing but a thin partition between us. We’d be able to see each other’s boots and hear each other’s rectal turbulence. So I was out of there quick as ….. well, quick as soot through a goose (so to speak).
I gave it half an hour and tried again, but this time there was someone in there washing his hands. That bloke who always wears a white shirt and tie. I’ve never bothered to find out his name, but you know the type. He was in there washing his hands, and I wasn’t going to go in a cubicle with him standing there, so I moseyed on over to the urinals and had a wee, figuring that as soon as he shot off I’d be able to occupy one of the cubicles in peace.
But as he left another bloke came in – that bloke who always places toilet paper all over the seat before sitting down – so I had my wee and left. A complete failure.
Now I was getting quite desperate, and the only other option open to me was the upstairs loo. It’s generally cleaner than ours anyway and not so well used. So I thought I’d be safe.
Unfortunately as I walked in, someone else was already in there as well. He was at one of the urinals, having a wee himself. So once again I was flummoxed. I could hardly walk into a cubicle with him there, could I? So I went and stood beside him with the intention of having a wee.
And it was at this point that I desperately needed Mats & Enzo’s ‘How to Poo at Work’ guide for I’d neglected to consider a couple of things. One, I’d just already had a wee and two, I knew the bloke standing at the urinal really well. We both support the same football team and often stop to chat about the most recent triumphs and disasters.
So I stand beside him; “Alright?” “Yeah, alright.” I unzip my fly. “What did you make of the game on Saturday?” “Oh yeah, blah blah blah ….” I am now totally embarrassed so I go to zip up my fly again, but realising he’s going to find that a little weird, I decide to unzip it again and lob it out. But of course I can’t wee as I’ve already empties my bladder. “What did you make of that last minute goal?” “Oh, well, blah blah blah ….” But I’m getting all flustered because I’m well aware of the fact that even out of the corner of your eye you can tell if there’s no stream of wee coming out of …. Well, I’m sure you get the picture.
AND I’M STILL DESPERATE FOR A DUMP!
I was so embarrassed, and I know full well that this bloke’s thinking, “Well, that was a bit weird. Undoing his zip, doing it up again, undoing it again, lobbing it out and not even weeing!”
Eventually we both finished, washed our hands, and happily went on our separate ways. I shot downstairs and straight into the toilet, where to my delight I found no one! I quickly wiped the seat – you always do that, don’t you – and finally completed my business. Phew!
The only problem now was that the secretary’s desk was so situated that she had a perfect view of the toilet door, and had seen me enter & exit no fewer than three times in 30 minutes.
If only I’d read this book a few months ago I’d have never gotten into this whole situation in the first place. Recommended reading if you ever have to go at work. Every conceivable situation is covered.