Customer Reviews

How to Say No to Your Toddler: Creating a Safe, Rational, and Effective Discipline Program for Your 9-Month to 3-Year Old

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The book outlines a program of setting limits, setting consequences, and following through with them in order to shape your toddler's behavior. The author says that safety is the main concern, and that parents should pick what behaviors they want to change instead of over-restricting their behavior. You can't make them perfectly behaved, they're toddlers! So he asks parents to make a top ten list of specific behaviors they want to change. Like, refuses to take a nap, always plays with the vcr, runs out in the street, etc. I liked this part because it helped me see that my 13 month old isn't badly behaved ALL the time, he just does some things that drive me nuts.

So far, so good. He says that when the toddler does the activity you want to change, redirection should always be the first thing you try. If redirection works, great. But on most toddlers, it doesn't work most of the time. He says you have to tell them "no, we don't play with cords" and the reason why, but not to try to over-reason with them. But the only consequence he really outlines in the book is time-out, preferably in the child's room with the door closed (and latched if necessary). He says 1 minute of time out for every year of age. And the time out doesn't start until the child is quiet (or not screaming at least). This is where I have a problem with the book--it says it is for 9 months-3 years but there is no way you can give a 9 month old a time out!! That is just cruel. I don't think they really work with kids under 2, maybe some 18-24 month olds, depending on the child. But under 18 months, forget it!

He spends a lot of time talking about why misbehavior occurs and says it is usually because kids are overtied. Duh!!! He offers a rather simplistic (and ferber-ized) solution to solving sleep problems, and doesn't really take into account nursing toddlers or co-sleeping and is pretty dismissive of attachment parenting.

The reasoning behind this book is sound I think, but it is too rigid for most people to use especially with younger toddlers. 2-3 year olds with verbal capacity, maybe.

I bought this book hoping it would offer a more structured approach to discipline than some of the gentle discipline techniques that aren't working, especially redirection. But I don't see how time outs would help with my "velcro toddler." He suggests "convenience" time outs for the velcro toddler--four minutes in the child's room while you make a phone call, but how would he understand why he is in his room? How would a time out help with his fighting diaper changes? I don't see how letting him sit in his room in a dirty diaper for a minute would solve anything. He doesn't advocate spanking or swatting, but I was really looking for something in between redirection and harsh time outs for younger toddlers.

Probably the best thing I got out of this book for use with my toddler was the assurance that time-outs in the bedroom wouldn't spoil that place as forever associated with punishment thereafter. With this to comfort me, I was able to consistently offer and enforce time-outs as a consequence for my toddler's discipline, and she now alters her behavior with the threat of a time-out, takes it plenty seriously, and still enjoys playing in and hanging out in her bedroom at other times. I've never spanked her yet in her life (she's 27 months, and I spanked her older brothers plenty, before I bought into the possibility that time-outs could be an effective alternative), and she's well-behaved and sweet.

I read this book because I am the director of a large childcare center and I am always looking for good books to recommend to parents. This book does not make the cut. The best messages in the book are- create consistency, follow through with consequences, and his tips on feeding your toddler (allow them to choose what and how much of a well balanced meal they eat.) If you want to raise a child who not only behaves but also thinks and reasons find a different book. Time outs _will_ correct the misbehavior but it will not teach your child anything. A much better book is "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." But, if you only want the immediate gratification of results this could be a good book for you.
Also, as a director of a early learning (childcare) center I must say something about the way he talks about "daycare attendants." I know some caregivers may not be very well educated but where I live the requirements to be "Early Childhood Teacher" qualified are quite high. I would certainly trust the expert advice (on toddler behavior) of these toddler teachers over a pediatrician unless the pediatrician also took a lot of early childhood development and behavior classes as part of their training. The National Association of Educators of Young Children, NAEYC, does not endorse time outs for toddlers under any circumstances. It is not considered "developmentally appropriate." The book says that many daycare centers will not do "time out" because it is too time consuming. The opposite is true. "Time outs" are the easy way out for parents and teachers. Teachers often will not do "time out" because it is against school policy. The alternative to sending your child away certainly takes more time and is harder to master but it is well worth the effort. The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year-Old: Revised EditionDear Parent: Caring for Infants With Respect (2nd Edition)

I couldn't finish reading this book fast enough. I read it in 2 days..I found this book to be very helpful for my situations with my 2 year old son.