How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack: Defend Yourself When the Lawn Warriors Strike (And They Will) [Hardcover]

Chuck Sambuchino (Author)

Book Description

Release date: September 7, 2010

Move over zombies and adolescent vampires.
 
There’s a new threat in town—and it’s only twelve inches tall. How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack is the only comprehensive survival guide that will help you prevent, prepare for, and ward off an imminent home invasion by the common garden gnome. Once thought of as harmless yard decorations, evidence is mounting that these smiling lawn statues are poised and ready to wreck havoc. The danger is real. And it’s here.    
   Class 1 gnome-slayer and gnome defense expert Chuck Sambuchino has developed a proven system—Assess, Protect, Defend, Apply—for safeguarding property, possessions, and loved ones. Strategies include step-by-step instructions for gnome-proofing the average dwelling, recognizing and interpreting the signs of a gathering hoard, and—in the event that a secured perimeter is breached—confronting and combating the attackers at close range.

Editorial Reviews

Review

“Just AWESOME...filled with delightfully demonic photographs of rampaging, blissful garden gnomes. This is a classic ‘gift’ book (just in time for Christmas) with eye candy pictures galore.”
—This Garden Is Illegal blog, 9/29/10

“reminiscent of a ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’ sketch, which is the highest praise I can bestow on a humor book.”
—Carpe Geum blog, 9/26/10

“The book is written so straightforward that it seems believeable. And helpful. And—well, words fail me...the book is a hoot...[it] is perfect to display on a coffee table. Think of the fun you'll have when your guests notice it. Will they look around to see if diminutive creatures are sneaking up on them? Will they look at you as if you're totally nuts. At any rate, fun will ensue...The book would also make a great gift for a gardening enthusiast—especially if the gardener already has some garden gnomes. Or bundle the book with a garden gnome and let the recipient really wonder about you.”
—Peevish Pen blog, 9/23/10 

"Let’s say your smiling lawn gnomes are plotting a home invasion. Here’s the definitive guide to 'prevent, prepare for and ward off' that attack."
—Sacramento Bee
 
"This breezy read and its charming photos are ideal for anyone who melts whenever they find a new version of that classic ceramic yard ornament, the gnome."
—Denver Post
 
"Hooray to Chuck Sambuchino for not breaking character once during his entire book … including the Acknowledgements page. This book is for those special folks with quirky senses of humor."
—San Francisco Book Review
 
"Every gardener and most non-gardeners will love this stylish, hilarious book."
—Buffalo Spree Magazine

“You’ll laugh. You’ll question the sanity of the message. You will look with new eyes on that garden gnome you thought was a mere, sweet little elfin garden ornament. I found myself wondering as I finished this marvelous small book; when will How to Survive a Pink Flamingo Attack, be released? I highly recommend this book to gnome lovers/owners everywhere. Even if you are not a gnome owner, but a gardener or have a neighbor who gardens—you need to read this book for your own protection or for a laugh a minute if you prefer humor.”  
—Billie A Williams, award-winning mystery and suspense author

About the Author

Chuck Sambuchino is a produced playwright, and a magazine writer, freelance editor, husband, dog owner, and cover band guitarist. He is the author of Formatting & Submitting Your Manuscript, 3rd Edition, and editor of Guide to Literary Agents and the Screenwriter’s & Playwright’s Market. Sambuchino lives in a heavily fortified residence in a secret Midwest location.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Hardcover: 112 pages
• Publisher: Ten Speed Press; First Edition edition (September 7, 2010)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 158008463X
• ISBN-13: 978-1580084635
• Product Dimensions: 5.2 x 0.8 x 8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 9.6 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.1 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (107 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #28,087 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #5 in Books > Crafts, Hobbies & Home > Gardening & Landscape Design > Essays
  • #58 in Books > Humor & Entertainment > Humor > Parodies

More About the Author

Chuck Sambuchino (chucksambuchino.com) is an editor, bestselling humor book author, and authority on how to get published. He works for Writer's Digest Books and edits the GUIDE TO LITERARY AGENTS as well as the CHILDREN'S WRITER'S & ILLUSTRATOR'S MARKET. His Guide to Literary Agents Blog (guidetoliteraryagents.com/blog) -- all about agents, submissions and platform -- is one of the largest blogs in publishing. He was recently included in a FORBES Top 10 list of "Social Media Influencers in Book Publishing." He teaches at a dozen writers conferences each year.

Chuck's first humor book, HOW TO SURVIVE A GARDEN GNOME ATTACK (gnomeattack.com), was released in 2010 and has been featured by Reader's Digest, the New York Times and AOL News. The film rights were optioned by Sony and director Robert Zemeckis (Back to the Future). His second humor book, RED DOG / BLUE DOG: WHEN POOCHES GET POLITICAL (August 2012, reddog-bluedog.com), is a humorous photo collection of dogs doing stereotypical liberal and conservative things. It has been featured by Political Wire, USA Today, and the Huffington Post.

In addition, Chuck has also written two other writing-related titles: the third edition of FORMATTING & SUBMITTING YOUR MANUSCRIPT (2009), and CREATE YOUR WRITER PLATFORM (fall 2012).

Besides that, he is a freelance book/query editor, husband, cover band guitarist, piano lover, chocolate chip cookie fiend, and owner of a flabby-yet-lovable dog named Graham. Find him on Twitter (@chucksambuchino).

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

35 of 35 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars You never gnome. Do you? August 25, 2010

By wogan TOP 50 REVIEWER

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)

I first saw garden gnomes in the early 70's while stationed in Germany. Even the most staid and restrained German garden seemed to have at least one and usually scores of them. Personally I've never had any problems with gnomes. I was taught to deal with different cultures with kindness, curiosity and willingness to learn about and from them. So, it comes as a shock to know that someone - Chuck Sambuchino fears and says there will definitely be an attack.

My motto has always been better safe than sorry, always be prepared, never run out of toilet paper during a blizzard, etc. If you want to be ready then this would be a good book. There is some good advice anyway: secure your chimney caps, keep floors clear, do not set landmines on your lawn.

One word of advice that is not mentioned in this manual, my German landlady told me gnomes that carry red mushrooms with white spots were good luck. I do notice none of Sambuchino's gnomes have these good luck mushrooms, so maybe that is what the trouble is. Who knows, but this would make a nice giggle for anyone owning a garden gnome and you never know when survival manuals might come in handy??

19 of 19 people found the following review helpful

4.0 out of 5 stars funny and cute; pretty creative just don't expect too much September 14, 2010

By Karissa Eckert

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)

I got an advanced reading copy of this book through the Amazon Vine program. It was just too funny to pass up. I mean I have read Zombie survival guides, werewolf survival guides; but a guide to survive those vicious garden gnomes!? How cool is that.

This book goes through a step by step process on how to defend yourself from garden gnomes. It starts with how to assess if you are at risk and how to determine if garden gnomes have infested your property. Then it goes on to inform the reader on how to protect their house against garden gnome invasion and how to defend yourself should those little ceramic bundles of terror breech your house. There are even a couple short "real-life" stories of gnome attack survivors.

This book was amusing. I laughed a couple times out-loud and snorted a few more times. This would be a good joke gift or something to buy just for the plain strangeness of having it. It is not much more than a joke book though. Luckily it is short and doesn't take itself too seriously, so it has that going for it.

Some parts of the book are truly funny; especially when the book goes through weapon recommendations (flame thrower - not recommended). There are wonderful pictures of gnomes wielding dangerous objects or gnomes sneaking into houses that are cute and humorous...and just a tad creepy. Other parts of the book are kind of repetitive and made my eyes roll.

To be honest I was expecting a bit more from this book. A bit more creativity and a bit more humor. Don't get me wrong there are some funny parts in here, but most of the recommendations are pretty simple and common sense type things. The funniest part was really the concept of this book and some of the pictures in it....

Overall it's pretty funny and might make a good coffee table book. It is incredibly short, but that works in this book's favor...I think any more would have been too much. If you are expecting a light and slightly amusing read you won't be disappointed, just don't expect anything too crazily clever or in depth. Read more ›

15 of 17 people found the following review helpful

2.0 out of 5 stars Sort of... eh October 17, 2010

By Ravenskya VINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)

Unless you are buying this for a garden gnome enthusiast, I would have to say that this is a leave it sort of book. I had hoped for something funny, or some dry wit... but when reading this cover to cover - it comes across very bland, like a college creative writing assignment that was churned out over too much coffee and just enough bong hits that the author thought it was funny. In the end the funniest part was the pictures. I didn't laugh at all, though I could see where it was Supposed to be funny... it just wasn't. Perhaps it's part of the "You can't spoof a spoof" problem that happens. It just comes out not funny. I'm sorry, I wanted to like this, but I can't think of anyone that I would honestly recommend this to.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail because I don't want to come across as author bashing, but let me simply say, the idea was good, the pictures were good, but the execution of the idea falls flat.

10 of 13 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars More fun than the pending zombie apocalypse August 23, 2010

By William D. Colburn VINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Vine™ Review (What's this?)

I like this book because it isn't nearly as boring as the zombie survival guides I've seen. The zombie books try to look like survivalist manuals and they end up looking too serious and being too long to read. This is a short quick book, and it doesn't try for seriousness at all which makes it a lot more fun to read.

Plus, the gnome jokes are a welcome change from the zombie jokes.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful

2.0 out of 5 stars Be careful what you wish for! April 25, 2011

By Lagtobreak

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

Gotta be honest - I grabbed this to be a gag gift for someone, but thought I would read it before "gifting it" and was shockingly disappointed. I expected a more clever book than this one. The author seems to have run across an idea and had a budget to make it a book and maybe he needed some help with making it more funny rather than appearing like his original material wasn't going to make a large enough book, so just keep adding to it until he gets the page count up. I would recommend maybe for a gag gift, but not much else. At least the price is relatively low when buying from Amazon!

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Hilarious! December 28, 2010

By proshoperz

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

I purchased this book as an accompanyment to a gnome as Christmas gift. A truly funny book if you have an offbeat sense of humor. The author does an amazing job of creating this.

3 of 3 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Amusing Survival Guide November 13, 2010

By Dr. Bojan Tunguz HALL OF FAMETOP 50 REVIEWERVINE™ VOICE

Format:Hardcover

This is a very light-hearted and amusing tongue-in-cheek take on the "survival scenario" genre. It is self-effacing and it takes itself even less seriously than many other similar books. The humor in it is quirky, yet all the putative examples of garden gnome attack and your strategy of defending yourself seem plausible in a twisted, zany kind of way. The book is very nicely illustrated with large-size pictures of actual garden gnomes. It is a bit too large to be a pocket book, but not as large as most hardcover books. It makes a cute coffee-table book, waiting area book, or an amusing and inexpensive gift.