How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout [Paperback]

Anne Sheffield (Author), Mike Wallace (Author), Donald F. Klein (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: May 18, 1999

Each year more than 17 million Americans suffer from a depressive illness, yet few suffer in solitude. How You Can Survive When They're Depressed explores depression from the perspective of those who are closest to the sufferers of this prevalent disorder--spouses, parents, children, and lovers--and gives the successful coping strategies of many people who live with a clinical depressive or manic-depressive and often suffer in silence, believing their own problems have no claim to attention.

Depression fallout is the emotional toll on the depressive's family and close friends who are unaware of their own stressful reactions and needs. Sheffield outlines the five stages of depression fallout: confusion, self-doubt, demoralization, anger, and finally, the desire to escape. Many people will find relief in the knowledge that their self-blame, guilt, sadness, and resentment are a natural result of living with a depressed person.
        
Sheffield brings together many real-life examples from the pioneering support group she attends at Beth Israel Medical Center of how people with depression fallout have learned to cope. From setting boundaries to maintaining an outside social life, she gives practical tactics for handling the challenges and emotional stresses on a day-to-day basis.

Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

"Depression fallout" is the emotional upheaval suffered by the friends and family members of someone who's depressed. Because at any given time, 17 million Americans are suffering from depression, there's a huge number of people suffering from this, says author Anne Sheffield, the daughter of a depressive. She compassionately recalls situations discussed in her support group at New York City's esteemed Beth Israel Hospital to illustrate how "co-sufferers" can successfully cope with their grief, confusion, guilt, and reduced self-esteem.

One of the most overlooked yet thoroughly damaged lots of depression fallout victims, she says, are the toddlers and children of depressed mothers. Children with behavioral problems at home and in school may be struggling for attention they don't get from a depressed parent. She writes, "Although a depressed parent of either sex creates problems for a child, the bulk of the research on parental depression and its effects on young children has zeroed in on the mother, because she is the center of a young child's existence: the primary nurturer, teacher, and emotional and social contact. Ideally, a mother is a good listener, communicator, and problem solver; authoritative without being authoritarian; warm and consistent; and tolerant and patient. Mothers in the grip of depression are often just the opposite: harsh, critical, impatient, irritable, and unaffectionate. And because one in every four women will suffer serious depression at some time in her life--more often than not, right in the middle of her prime childbearing years of twenty-five to thirty-five--the research findings are applicable to a very substantial number of children."

Without being flippant, Sheffield inserts bits of humor into the book. She describes what she calls "sticky-flypaper depressives" as those who blame themselves for everything and anything that has ever gone wrong, whether it be a relationship, or, as one psychiatrist recalled from one patient's session, "the bad Broadway season of 1947." She also gives a thorough analysis of the many causes of depression, illustrates the five stages of depression fallout, and considers the benefits and downfalls of psychotherapy and how a fallout victim may be affected by it. Sheffield offers reassuring advice on how fallout victims can defuse stress and rebuild their self-esteem and social lives, abundant resources and references for support groups and informational organizations, and an extensive list of medications commonly used for the treatment of mental disorders. No matter what the age or relationship of the fallout victim, How You Can Survive When They're Depressed will prove to be a much-needed dose of sympathy. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.

Review

"Anne Sheffield has guided me to fresh recognitions of myself . . . I wish we'd had this book decades ago."        
--Rose Styron

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Product Details

• Paperback: 320 pages
• Publisher: Three Rivers Press; 1 edition (May 18, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0609804154
• ISBN-13: 978-0609804155
• Product Dimensions: 5.1 x 0.7 x 8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 8.5 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (40 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #27,182 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #46 in Books > Health, Fitness & Dieting > Aging > Depression
  • #100 in Books > Politics & Social Sciences > Current Events > Poverty > Social Services & Welfare

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Most Helpful Customer Reviews

164 of 165 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Invaluable Comfort, February 9, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout (Paperback)

There are a zillion books out there about depression, and I'd bet nearly all of them are being bought by people who are desperately trying to help someone they love. "Here Honey, it says if you eat right..." and "Sweetie, they say exercise can do a lot of good..." and "Mom, there are a lot of medicines now that could help you..."

People who love a depressed person spend an enormous amount of energy trying to bridge a chasm to bring help to their loved one. Meanwhile they suffer isolation, rejection, critisism, self-doubt, frustration, and terrible worry and stress. Worse, every book they read urges them to put all their needs aside, to lower their standards to rock bottom, to be continually more understanding of their loved-ones limitations. Often they're not even mentioned at all.

Anne Sheffield's book is a fantastic support and relief for these caregivers. She acknowleges the toll this illness takes on family members, and she offers them compassion and a sense of community. By respecting their frustration, she helps open the door to a more constructive sort of understanding of depressive illness and how it affects the family.

This book has helped me build a life with my depressed partner that is healthy for us both, a place where I can deal with this illness without giving up my happiness. It has helped me trust my instincts, set boundaries, campaign for change and keep my love alive even when I'm angry. Through me, it has helped my partner seek better medical help, treat the family better and feel more secure that we'll still be there tomorrow.

If your hunt for answers has left you feeling like you're out in the cold alone, this book is for you.

43 of 44 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Finally--Real Help for Folks Living with a Depressive, July 3, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout (Hardcover)

Run, don't walk, to get a copy of Anne Sheffield's book "How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout." Sheffield offers insights, suggestions, and information that will help you immediately -- from how to ensure that the person you love gets the best possible care to protecting yourself from the debilitating effects the illness has on you, the loved one or caregiver. I now keep this book at my bedside and read it again and again. It has become my "handbook" for coping, and I've sent it to a number of friends who can't thank me enough. Why? Because Sheffield addresses the profoundly disruptive nature of depression and manic-depression, both as they affect the sufferer and the sufferer's family, friends and loved ones. She covers virtually every aspect of the problems faced my loved ones of someone with a depressive illness.

Despite the fact that those of us dealing with this illness on a day-by-day basis are often exhausted, heartbroken, demoralized, resentful, and angry, Sheffield's book gives hope in the form of clear and incisive information, insight and advice. And all this she does with admirable and welcome good humor, compassion, intelligence and grace.

Sheffield knows whereof she speaks, having grown up with a depressive mother. She has done her research well, spending countless hours with other family and friends of people suffering from mood disorders. Their stories will sound familiar to you; their descriptions of solutions and coping skills will be invaluable.

Sheffield addresses the symptoms of depression and manic-depression and provides information on medications, side effects, and how to find the best possible medical help for a loved one. This alone is a real service to family members and loved ones, but Sheffield goes one giant step further by providing advice and techniques on taking care of yourself, something I have not yet encountered in any other book on this subject.

This book is an invaluab! le resource. Not only is it filled with important and useful information regarding diagnoses and treatments, it provides concrete steps for maximizing your own life in the face of your loved one's illness. Don't miss it!

42 of 43 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent advice and insight for those close to a depressive, June 21, 1998

By A Customer

This review is from: How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout (Hardcover)

An insightful and helpful book for those who have ever lived with a depressed person. Through case studies and research, Sheffield shares the pain of many who have suffered at the hands of depressed people. This book helps one to understand the guilt and horror one feels when living and coping with a depressed loved one. In addition to realizing that what I felt was not only acceptable, I realized that I was not alone in my feelings. Moreover, Sheffield gives real advice that leads to solutions. I learned to better understand my depressed partner, but also to recognize the effects that their depression was having on me. This book should be read by everyone, it has relevance far beyond the pair imprisoned by a depressive. It has helped identify and explain people's behavior outside the discussed relationships.