How Do We Tell the Children?: A Step-By-Step Guide for Helping Children Two to Teen Cope When Someone Dies [Paperback]

Dan Schaefer (Author), Christine Lyons (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: November 1993

This compassionate, step-by-step guide to talking about death with children is updated with new material on AIDS, the loss of a companion animal, and talking about the mentally handicapped.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Books tend to generate multiple editions when they have something truly valuable to say. This title is no exception. Schaeffer, a psychologist and former funeral home director, and New York City-based journalist Lyons lucidly and straightforwardly explain how to inform children about the realities of death. They explain what most children can easily understand, what they might need help understanding, and the importance of being up-front. This third edition includes new information on dealing with traumatic death, and while that would seem like a timely addition, the section doesn't fit in too well with the rest of the child-directed content; it includes subsections such as "The Impact of Grief on Business and Management," so the book seems to shift its focus to adults. Still, this is recommended for public libraries because of the valuable basic information it contains.
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc. --This text refers to the Hardcover edition.

Review

Highly recommended. -- Library Journal

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Product Details

• Paperback: 192 pages
• Publisher: Newmarket Pr; Updated edition (November 1993)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1557041814
• ISBN-13: 978-1557041814
• Product Dimensions: 8.1 x 5.5 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 6.4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,933,821 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

15 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

3.0 out of 5 stars good advice, narrow perspective, April 28, 2000

By 

Jamie Hill - See all my reviews

This review is from: How Do We Tell the Children?: A Step-By-Step Guide for Helping Children Two to Teen Cope When Someone Dies (Paperback)

This book has excellent information about what children at each stage of development are likely to think and feel about the death of someone close to them. However, the suggested ways of dealing with those feelings were somewhat limited, and allowed little flexibility for differing family circumstances. For example, the book is extremely critical of ways religious families may choose to explain death to children, claiming that many religiously based explanations may lead a child to believe the person may be coming back someday. The book also asserts that a closed casket is the ultimate form of denial of the death, and that even young children should attend funerals. Many recommendations, like the three mentioned above, might or might not be right for a family trying to cope with a death. Overall a good resource for understanding a child's possible perceptions, but not so good for determining how to address them.

8 of 8 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars How to Help Grieving Children, September 14, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: How Do We Tell the Children?: A Step-By Step Guide for Helping Children Two to Teen Cope When Someone Dies (Hardcover)

This is a clearly written book by a funeral director and psychologist. It provides helpful suggestions to parents and caregivers on how to inform children of death in many different situations. It respects the child's need to know what has happened in a way that is appropriate for his or her age. It discusses listening to children's thoughts and feelings and addressing common misperceptions. There is an excellent quick reference crisis section at the end of the book that clearly outlines various kinds of deaths, suggestions as to how to explain them to children in different age groups, and how to prepare them for what comes next. This is an excellent book to guide parents whose own grief may be interfering with their thinking about how to help their children. As a grief counselor at the Barr-Harris Children's Grief Center, I highly recommend it.

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Thorough, straight-forward, and very helpful, June 11, 2010

By 

M. Little (New York) - See all my reviews
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Amazon Verified Purchase

This review is from: How Do We Tell the Children?: A Step-by-Step Guide for Helping Children Cope When Someone Dies, Third Edition (Paperback)

With a terminally ill grandparent, we wanted to prepare our 6-year-old son for his first loss of a loved one. This book is very helpful. It includes anecdotes & conversations as experienced by a funeral director. You learn what can work & what doesn't work.

Another reviewer commented that it doesn't address religious aspect of death, and that is true. However, it emphasizes laying the groundwork on the physical & literal nature of death: a body that stops working. Since young children are so literal, they need to know what happens to the body when it dies. The book is very clear on explaining things that concern children, such as the body being in a box, where it won't get dirt on it when it's buried. Things that might seem obvious to an adult are not to a child. The author also stresses giving children choices on their involvement and preparing them very well if they choose to attend the funeral home, etc. A lot of what is covered is to ensure the respect and inclusion of children in the family support system and grieving process.

Now that I've read this book, I am much more comfortable having these conversations with my son. I don't want to lie to him. I want to continue with explanations that make sense to him, and that include him in our family's grief. Once he understands what death is, literally, I am comfortable explaining Heaven and the spiritual aspect that goes along with death, for our family. I don't want him to think that the funeral home is Heaven (as was the case with a family the author worked with).

I definitely recommend this book.