How Can You Tell If You're Really in Love [Paperback]

Sol Gordon (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: January 1997

For many individuals a striking gap exists between the public image of love and their personal history of it. Because film and TV images usually depict love as sensational and glamorous they do not even remotely resemble most people's private experience. Thus, feelings of inadequacy and internal conflicts can develop. There is a widespread failure to understand that individuals get hurt because they don't feel loved, not because they don't know how to make love. Dr Gordon's new book is packed with advice, including: * Ingredients for a successful relationship. * Tendencies that lead people to the wrong partner. * Patterns to avoid in relationships. * How to tell if you have met the right person.

Editorial Reviews

From Publishers Weekly

Psychologist, sex educator and former professor Sol Gordon (Why Love Is Not Enough; Raising a Child Responsibly in a Sexually Permissive World) promises to answer a question almost every man and woman wonders about: How Can You Tell if You're Really in Love? People can fall in and out of love easily, but lasting love requires a level of trust, respect and intimacy that develops over time, declares Gordon, who has appeared on Oprah and Today. Using sensitive yet straightforward advice illustrated by anecdotes, exercises and a terrific chapter on frequently asked questions, Gordon provides a little book with a lot of answers. 14-city author tour; 40-city radio and TV satellite tour.

Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information, Inc.

About the Author

Dr. Sol Gordon has appeared on numerous television shows, including The Oprah Winfrey Show, Sixty Minutes, and Today. He is Professor Emeritus of Child and Family Studies at Syracuse University as well as former director of the University's Institute for Family Research and Education. He is widely known for his work and lectures on sexuality, family studies, relationships, and suicide prevention. He lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

Product Details

• Paperback: 224 pages
• Publisher: Adams Media Corporation (January 1997)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1580624723
• ISBN-13: 978-1580624725
• Product Dimensions: 6.7 x 4 x 0.8 inches
• Shipping Weight: 4 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 4.4 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (10 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #850,154 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

27 of 27 people found the following review helpful:

4.0 out of 5 stars Love and Self Portraits, June 19, 2001

By 

CLG (Chapel Hill, NC) - See all my reviews

This review is from: How Can You Tell If You're Really in Love (Paperback)

I am usually not one for reading self-help books,but I was given this one by a good friend of mine and ordered to read it. So I did, and what I read was quite impressive. The title of the book is certainly what the book is about, but the book is also about gaining self-knowledge.

Gordon himself says at the end of the introduction, "This book is about encouraging you to go on a self-discovery - to find your own voice." The book not only helps you examine your relationships and determine what you need in them, but it also helps you examine yourself - especially learning about negative things that you may carry into a relationship. The downside to this is that once you see all the negative characteristics staring you in the face, you become depressed and feel that you are not ever meant to be a relationship, let alone a good one. The upside is that once you look past the negativity, your mind starts turning, and you begin to realize that you can change things about yourself, and possibly about your relationship, but only if you want to.

Let me give you a personal example. I have been dating the most wonderful man on and off for the past 4 years. For at least 3 of those years, I was pretty certain that we were not meant for each other, but I wanted to be with him and couldn't reconcile my feelings. He didn't do things the way I wanted him to, he didn't say things I wanted him to say, and so on. Yet he was the sweetest, handsomest, kindest man in the world, and he was and is still completely in love with me. So what happened to change my mind? What happened was that I was given this book to read, and after reading it, I took a good long look, not only at our relationship as a whole, but at myself, and what I found was appalling. I began to see all these negative interactions that I would create between us, just because I had always done so with other partners. I began to realize that part of the reason he wasn't getting through to me, was because I wasn't letting him - not because I didn't want him to, but because that was the way I had always been. I realized that something had to be done, because I wanted to be with him. So I began to change. I viewed every interaction or exchange with him as a new challenge to me to see if I could respond in positive ways. I cannot express in words how incredible it was to see the change. I became a totally different person around him. He picked up on the positive vibes and began to react to me positively and affectionately as well, just like I had always wanted him to. I actually LIKED myself, and I finally fell in love with him. All I can say is that our relationship has been truly wonderful ever since, and I'm grateful that he stayed with me.

So I just want to tell readers that while you may think the book seems to condemn your relationship to the never-meant-to-be pile, make sure you dive under the surface before you decide to walk away. Gordon says, "What does matter is the active pursuit of closeness with another person, and making the effort to enrich your life through self-development." In essence, Gordon has written the perfect book - one that opens readers' eyes to many love and relationship issues, and one that challenges readers to examine themselves, and their relationships, and to make changes where they need to be made. The trick is knowing the "where." But if you remain open-minded and you want to change, you'll figure it out.

17 of 17 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A great way to improve your relationship, December 7, 2001

By A Customer

This review is from: How Can You Tell If You're Really in Love (Paperback)

This book is really about finding your OWN center in life - knowing what you enjoy in life, what you want from a partner, and that you deserve to be happy and with someone that makes you happy. It then helps you look at the relationship you're in, and with open eyes determine if it's a healthy one for you.

The book isn't wishy-washy about this. He says quite openly, "By the way, about the dumbest thing anyone can do is to marry for sex. If sex is the only thing to look forward to in a marriage, don't marry at all. It's not worth it." That's the tone of a lot of the book - common sense. Don't put up with someone that enjoys insulting you. Don't confuse that rush of hormones in the first few weeks of dating as "true love which will last forever". With his years of experience, he helps you see common mistakes people make, and how to get through them.

He points out that too many of us are raised on quick-fixes these days. Magazines talk about the "27 signs you're in love" - featuring things like "you read his horoscope". People break off relationships as soon as they get the slightest bit difficult. He instead talks about the ways you really can know if the relationship is good for you, and that it's worth working on and getting to last.

Like all books, not every suggestion applies to every person, or to every situation. However, if you're able to read this with an open mind, and accept that your own perceptions might be causing some of the problems in your relationship, he'll help you find ways to change and grow into a more healthy situation.

10 of 10 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars A realistic approach to modern relationships, June 11, 2001

By 

Carol (New York USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: How Can You Tell If You're Really in Love (Paperback)

Sol Gordon's theories on contemporary relationships are right on target. This book is based in reality, and not mired down in unobtainable notions of romance. His language is to the point and easy to understand, he is not spouting psycho babble or New Age rhetoric. Gordon points to very specific behaviors, both negative and positive, that I was able to recognize in myself as well as my past partners. Behaviors that can be changed once we are aware of them, and to look out for in prospective partners. I now see how I sabatoged relationships, and I understand more of why I did it. In Chapter 6, Gordon writes of our increasingly disposable society. We live in a world where everything is disposable, including relationships. Many people will just dispose of a relationship rather then work to fix it. Here Gordon challenges us to face into the reality of the situation rather then walk away. He encourages us to look at the relationship, and each other. If there is a chance that you can both emerge stronger and closer isn't worth the time? Admittedly, perhaps not all relationships can, or even should be saved. But how many more would last if couples really took the time to try to solve the problems? Or at least to reach a comprimise? Throughout the book, Gordon challenges readers to look into themselves, to look at our own issues, behaviors and faults. We are challenged to look at our partners, past, present and future. What are we afraid of? Do we become involved with the wrong people? Do we lie? Do we need to have control and refuse to compromise? And why? Personally, I found these challenges to be insightful and inspiring. True, it also made me angry at times, who really wants to look at our negative traits and mistakes? While Gordon is realistic about the negative aspects of relationships, he is never defeatist. I finished the book feeling much better about myself then I had in years. I understand more clearly the mistakes I have made in the past, and I recognize the mistakes made by my past partners. I also feel that I will be able to avoid making the same mistakes, not only in romantic relationships, but in all relationships. Some readers may find the blunt reality of this book disturbing, but I found it encouraging. Love is not a Julia Roberts movie or an article in Cosmo. Love can be intoxicating, boring, amazing and messy, sometimes all at the same time. I would recomend this book to anyone who has hit a troubled spot in their relationship, and perhaps more so to someone who is not curently in a relationship.