Customer Reviews

How To Want What You Have

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Tim Miller's book is the Real Thing: a synthesis of the best of a multitude of religious and philosophical traditions which is directly applicable to twenty-first century everyday life.

Its language is clear; its ideas are sound; and despite its initial burst of success, it has temporarily gone out of print. This is a catastrophic loss since Miller is so clear-eyed, pragmatic, objective, and honest. His directions for practicing a life of Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude are as profound as they are simple and understandable.

I reread a few pages of Miller each evening to keep me focused.

Miller is not into giving seminars or proselytizing. In a sense, this is unfortunate: his ideas could transform our modern moral landscape more powerfully than virtually any of the other "movements" of our era.

Walter Kaufmann is my hero for academic philosophizing; Tim Miller is my hero for bread-and-butter daily living.

Ye who have ears to hear and eyes to see: get with it, dude!

Another title for this book could be "How to be inhumanly good." Miller's main thesis is that it is human instinct to want more, no matter how much you have, how good your life is, etc. Because of this, he argues, it is impossible for us to get what we want, because we will always invent something that we don't have. So we should come to terms with this urge and get on with our lives. In addition to this, he proposes three major areas to concentrate whenever we get too bogged down in wanting more. These three areas are Compassion, Attention, and Gratitude. So, according to Miller, if we continually strive to be more compassionate, pay more attention to what is going on around us and to what others are saying, and be more thankful for what we have, the yearnings for more should eventually fade, though of course never disappear completely. It was certainly an interesting read, but I think it would be almost impossible to follow exactly Miller's suggestions, though of course helpful to strive towards his ideals. It would take extraordinary dedication to the ideas and practices layed out in this book. Miller introduces many interesting sociological, historical, and religious documents to support his thesis. And it is a thesis to some extent, being extremely well-referenced. Miller approaches his readers as rational, intelligent individuals, rather that the desperate masses seeking THE answer. He even lists his email address and a mailing list dedicated to discussing the theories in the book. I subscribed to the mailing list for a couple of weeks, but found it a bit too heavy in long depressing narratives or short messages from obviously depressed individuals.

I am a sufferer of depression. I've had three bouts with it, the last one landing me in a psych ward, a very good one I might add. The therapist I saw after that recommended I read this book and it is one of the most influential books I have read in my life. I highly recommend anyone who is prone to depression to read this stellar work. It gives a whole new perspective on how one should look at every aspect of everyday life, especially the mundane. It has impacted my life profoundly. If anyone suffers from depression, I know all too well what it's like. I can't stress strongly enough...GET THIS BOOK!

In this truly important book, deceptive in its amazing simplicity, Timothy Miller manages to link ancient wisdom and modern cognitive therapy to illuminate a way of living that can bring counsel and happiness to many ofus always striving for more. Cognitive therapy teachesthat we make ourselves unhappy because we cling to irrational ideas, and there are lists of the main irrational ideas people have. Miller argues that there is only a fundamental one: to want a little more, which wethink is opposed to wanting a lot more, but that is in fact opposed to wanting what we have. Perhaps you are notconvinced but would like to explore this proposition, perhaps you already agree but don't know how to live in accord with it, perhaps you already live in this way but want to hear it in other words, like listening to a knownmusic just for pleasure. In either case, this book is for you

This is a funny sort of book. It is an incredible masterpiece disguised as a gimmecky self-help book. The presentation is clear, and demonstrative, yet the effectiveness is so subtle that you might not notice at first that your outlook on the world is changing, and that you actually feel quite better.

Don't get me wrong. By no means is this a feel-good, spirit-lifting, rah-rah kind of book. The tone of the author is almost pessimistic, and yet (and perhaps as a result), the benefit is undeniably powerful.

Timothy Miller provides such a copious number of examples, that it almost seems a joke at first. In truth, the examples are each vivid in their own way, and the force of the combined examples shows why this book isn't on the best seller list: it will require constant effort on your part. But that effort isn't so challenging, it's just almost completely unnatural.

Our instincts make us unhappy, because they cause us to always want more than we have, and so we almost guaranteed to be unhappy with what we currently have, regardless of how much that is. A perfect example that Mr. Miller points out is when an acquaintance of his said she knew what he meant when he said that people don't usually show gratitude for what they have. "It's like how the rich are never happy with what they have because there is always someone richer," she said. The woman was surprised by his response. "It's exactly like that," he replied, "just as you are are not happy with what you have, even though by almost any standard around the world, you are fabulously wealthy, but there are still people with more money than you."

But the steps to achieving happiness with what we have are deceptively simple. They are basically, (1) notice that others want basically the same things you do for the same reasons, (2) be aware of what you are doing and feeling, and do it and feel it completely, and (3) practice being thankful for the incredible gifts you currently have. Again, Miller's perfect examples provide a good working basis to allow you to get started doing this yourself.

One final comment. At first I was quite annoyed by the tone of the book (I'm listening to an audio version). Dr. Miller appears to be almost depressingly pessimistic. At about a third of the way through the tape, I found it almost funny. Later, I thought the tone actually helped make the book very profound and accessible. If these practices can work for Dr. Miller, they can work for anyone.

If you're looking for a reason to keep going and a way to do it, buy this book, read every word, take the time to understand it, and put Miller's advice to work in your own life. This is a book I've returned to again and again--a permanent and treasured part of my library.

I've been studying, beginning to practice, and teaching about "Voluntary Simplicity." This is a tremendous book in coming to grips with the fundamental obstacle to this process. Mr Miller's studies ring true to me, his technique seems appropriate, and his recognition that this is a process, not a goal reminds us that we're always needful of more compassion, more attention and more gratitude, paradoxical though it may be!

I first read How to Want What You Have many years ago, and I remember being incredibly excited by it. Miller's advice for practicing compassion, attention, and gratitude has stuck with me since. Upon re-reading it, however, I noticed a subtle dogmatic preference for Cognitive Therapy that turned me off just a little. Don't get me wrong, I have loved and used Cognitive Therapy in my own life ever since I discovered it in David D. Burns' Feeling Good. But I've also found other methodologies like Neuro-Linguistic Programming, Behavior Therapy, and Positive Psychology to be scientifically rigorous and just as effective. Whether a function of bias or simply the fact that a lot of progress has been made in these other areas in the 10 years since its publication, Miller's book seems to rely too strongly on Cognitive Therapy-at the seeming exclusion of other strategies.

That said, How to Want What You Have is an excellent book, and very effective in helping this reader want what he has. The idea that the secret to happiness is to want what you have is not new and may seem a bit trite. Miller acknowledges right in the preface that "this idea, by itself, is useless." The book is his attempt to make this idea of wanting what we have livable in our modern society.

The book is broken into three parts. Part one is an explanation of Miller's basic premise: first, that it is our natural instinct to always want a little more wealth, status, and love; second, that this insatiable desire for more is "the fundamental cause of needless suffering"; and, third, that the continuous practice of compassion, attention, and gratitude is the antidote to wanting more, and the equivalent of wanting what you have. The second part of the book describes in detail exactly how use Cognitive Therapy to practice compassion, attention, and gratitude. This section requires desire and commitment from the reader. If you've never used Cognitive Therapy techniques before, you may be skeptical of their effectiveness given their apparent simplicity. Don't be fooled. Make a genuine effort and you will see positive results very quickly. The third part of the book ties everything together, illustrating how the three practices of compassion, attention, and gratitude feed each other, and offering real world examples of how to apply these principles in difficult situations. Included is a section on reconciling ambition with the practice of wanting what you have, and a section addressing modern moral dilemmas and guidelines consistent with the principles of compassion, attention, and gratitude.

Unfortunately, How to Want What You Have is no longer in print. What does that say about our consumer-driven society, I wonder. Fortunately, the internet makes it relatively easy to find used copies for sale. I urge anyone who wants a greater feeling of fulfillment to read this book and practice the techniques within every day.

©2005 Curtis G. Schmitt / TurnOnToLife.com

The idea that desire lies at the heart of all human suffering is certainly not a new concept, being one of the fundamental tenets of Buddhist teaching. So kudos for anyone in this day and age of SUVs and cosmetic surgery who would be a voice in the wilderness for such a wise old idea.

Supported by the three-legged stool of Compassion, Attention and Gratitude, we have hope of wiggling out from under our insatiable desires and for once being happy and at peace. It's a little difficult to get some of these concepts across on tape at any reasonable depth of understanding and I several times had the urge to grab pen and paper at the start of one of the various enumerations. This is one case where the audio medium may fall short of the written word, but I found listening to the tape a second time filled in the gaps pretty well. Besides, it's hard to drive and read.

I think someone interested in this subject will find several other works very worthwile reading. The first is "The Miracle Of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhat Hanh, which addresses "Attentiveness" as described on the tape - the art of living in the present moment. This concept is so important that "A Course In Miracles" devotes a great deal of attention to it, referred to as the "Holy Instant". It's hard to be unhappy when the regrets of the past and anxiety about the future are both "out of the picture"!

A second worthwhile investment might be "Lovingkindness - The Revolutionary Art Of Happiness" by Sharon Salzberg. The word "Lovingkindness" is perhaps more appropriate than "Unconditional Love" or "Charity" or "Compassion". In our society, we're not schooled in these concepts and our language reflects this. Lovingkindness can be a great source of happiness.

Gratitude is simply Thankfulness - something we frequently forget makes us happy as well!

Despite the rather amusing connotations that ancient spiritual concepts have been "verified" by the modern sciences, this is intrinsically powerful material.

It's sad to read reviews here that say this book is "Buddhism" or "great for depressives." This book does not fit into any category. I read it when it came out in the 1990s and have re-read it many times. I've highlighted favorite parts.

This book is such a turnabout from the way most Americans think that it will boggle your mind. Once you understand Desire and its impact on your life, you rapidly learn (and best of all, believe) that your desires are causing you more harm than good--putting you on a rat-race track that no one can win.

It's hard to "be satisfied with what you have" until you read this book. It's not just psychological and spiritual principles, either. Some of it is bald-faced fact. For instance, Americans and Western Europeans are some of the richest people who have ever lived. Mostly free of disease, the scramble to find food, with time for leisure and pleasure--these are gifts our forebears couldn't dream of, and many people in the world today can't even conceive of such a life.

I'd never thought of it that way. This book is revelation after revelation. Everyone I know who has read it has had their life turned around completely.