How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage [Paperback]

Milan Yerkovich (Author), Kay Yerkovich (Author)

Book Description

Release date: January 15, 2008

Identify the source of missteps in your marriage–and learn
exactly what you can do about it!

Tired of arguing with your spouse over the same old issues?
Longing for a marriage with less conflict and more intimacy?
Struggling under a load of resentment?

In How We Love, relationship experts Milan and Kay Yerkovich draw on the powerful tool of attachment theory to show how your early life experiences created an “intimacy imprint”–an underlying blueprint that shapes your behavior, beliefs, and expectations of all relationships, especially your marriage. They identify four types of injured imprints that combine in marriage to trap couples in a repetitive dance of pain.

The groundbreaking principles and practical, solution-focused tools in this book will equip you to…
·identify the imprints disrupting your marriage,
·understand how your love style impacts your mate,
·break free of negative patterns that hinder your relationship,
·enhance your sexual intimacy, and
·create the deeper, richer marriage of your dreams.

Discover the truths that have transformed countless relationships– including the authors’ marriage–so you can stop stepping on each other’s toes and instead be swept along by the music of a richer, more passionate relationship.

Includes a study guide for individual or group discussion.

Editorial Reviews

Review

Praise for How We Love

“How We Love has the capacity to change not only your marriage but every relationship that’s important in your life.”
–JOSH MCDOWELL, Christian apologist, evangelist, and author of more than seventy-five books including More Than a Carpenter and Evidence that Demands a Verdict

“The authors have translated the complexity of how we love into a highly readable and clearly written book. Couples will easily be able to identify their love styles and how to transform them into genuine love. I recommend it to all couples.”
–HARVILLE HENDRIX, PHD, therapist and educator with over twenty-five years of experience, cofounder and president of the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy, and author of Getting the Love You Want

“Milan and Kay bring us a fresh look at intimacy and how we learn to love. Their practical and personal approach will enrich anyone’s marriage.”
–DAVID STOOP, PHD, psychologist and author of When Couples Pray Together

“I found How We Love to be extremely enlightening: a discovery of how best to love my wife, how to nurture her through a better understanding of our love styles, and how to implement change.”
–PHILWAUGH, executive director of Covenant Marriage Movement

“I have had the joy and privilege of working with Milan and Kay on a professional level and have been amazed at the success of their therapeutic techniques. Understanding our love styles and taking down the walls created by our imprints are skills that can help every marriage. I am thrilled that more couples will learn how to strengthen their relationships through the tools described in this book.”
–DR. ELIZABETH JOHN, MD, psychiatrist

“Milan and Kay have taken their own life experience, their research over the years, and their experience in the counseling office, and distilled it into a work that is rigorous, original, and understandable. If you want to strengthen and enrich your marriage, as well as grow personally, I strongly encourage you to read and digest this material. The effect on all your relationships will be powerful.”
–DR. JIM MASTELLER, executive director of the Center for Individual and Family Therapy

“Through Milan and Kay’s candid stories you will learn your own love style, find how to connect more deeply with your spouse, and ultimately realize who you were meant to be at the core of your being.”
–GREG CAMPBELL, retired business executive

“Forget everything external you think defines you. The quality of your relationships and your contributions to them are what make life great or miserable. This book is a key to a world of insight into intimacy only you can bring to your relationships. With each page, I felt Milan and Kay had seen my movie! My marriage is different today because of the simple, profound help I discovered in these pages.”
–KENNY LUCK, author of Risk and Every Man, God’s Man, men’s pastor at Saddleback Church, and founder of Every Man Ministries

“The Yerkoviches have taken important developmental and psychological concepts and given them to us in a user-friendly fashion. They give us a peek into their personal journey and the countless people they have helped move from young hurts toward more meaningful intimate attachment. How We Love helps us see ourselves more clearly and understand our roles in the impasses of our relationships.…A practical and impactful read for all!”
–JILL HUBBARD, PHD, clinical psychologist, cohost of New Life Live! national radio program, speaker, and full-time mom

“I am excited that Milan and Kay have given us the guiding principles of a successful marriage. With candor and uncommon insight they have demystified the issues in relationships that cause so many couples to get stuck. This book will get the wheels rolling and provide a destination filled with hope, healing, and fulfillment.”
–DR. MICK UKLEJA, president of LeadershipTraq and chair of the Governing Council of the Ukleja Center for Ethical Leadership

About the Author

Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master’s degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofounder of Relationship 180°, a non-profit ministry for Christian leaders and laity.

Kay Yerkovich is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a master’s degree in counseling. She has been using attachment theory in her professional counseling of couples and families for more than thirteen years.

The Yerkoviches have been married thirty-three years and are the parents of four adult children. They make their home in Southern California.

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 416 pages
• Publisher: WaterBrook Press; Later Printing edition (January 15, 2008)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1400072999
• ISBN-13: 978-1400072996
• Product Dimensions: 6 x 1.1 x 9 inches
• Shipping Weight: 1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.9 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (113 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #2,657 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
  • #33 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Marriage
  • #60 in Books > Self-Help > Relationships > Love & Romance

More About the Author

Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master's degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofounder of Relationship 180°, a non-profit ministry for Christian leaders and laity.Kay Yerkovich is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a master's degree in counseling. She has been using attachment theory in her professional counseling of couples and families for more than thirteen years.The Yerkoviches have been married thirty-three years and are the parents of four adult children. They make their home in Southern California.

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

66 of 70 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Why Marriages Suffer October 10, 2006

By Michael K. Silva

Format:Hardcover

"Can you recall a time as a child when you were upset and someone comforted you?"

Milan and Kay believe that the answer to that simple question is the secret force that shapes the way we relate to others for the rest of our lives. It's a powerful, controversial question, but the answer is even more remarkable. Did your response to comfort (or a lack of it) create a pattern to play out in relationships?

In this book, the Yerkoviches have distilled all the marriage problems they encounter in their practice into this one root problem--a lack of comfort--and then shown how to solve them all with a simple, practical solution. Virtually any challenge you're facing--lack of communication, resentment, old arguments, in-laws, blaming, anger, emotional pain, expectations--can be overcome through this systematic reframing of the reason for decreased intimacy. If it sounds too good to be true, you need to get the book and prove yourself wrong.

In a world where bold claims by personalities and watered-down pablum steals the limelight, Milan and Kay have made a true contribution with this book. We may talk about rising divorce rates, scandalous affairs, and the irreconcilable division between male and female in every culture, but How We Love presents a true, undeniable solution. You may not agree that the comfort question is vital to your present relationships, but you will be challenged to improve your responses to those you love by the sincere and thorough work Milan and Kay have put into this book. The personal experiences, extensive testing, and years of study and research make this book one of the rare few that actually delivers what so many relationsip books claim to do. Among these, How We Love belongs in the class with Gottman, Chapman, Dr. Phil, & Dr. Laura, but even exceeds them in the real-world, down-to-earth honesty about the ways we all relate to each other. In the end, I was convinced this book will bring hope to anyone who picks it up. This is not a theoretical blueprint by some well-known clinicians; this is a couple who have lived this in their daily practice for over 30 years.

Why have so many people responded so positively to this message already? What is it that Steve Arterburn, Josh McDowell, and Harville Hendrix see in the Yerkoviches' idea? I think it's what I saw when I first came across it as a jaded marriage book acquisitions editor: the hope that we CAN have the relatinoships we all hope for. When I considered how I learned to love and how that contributed to my ideas about giving and receiving, I began to realize just how revolutionary the idea of learning from the past truly is. And once you understand the principles here, I think you'll agree.

40 of 41 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Their overall message is resoundingly hopeful and their belief that people can change June 5, 2007

By FaithfulReader.com

Format:Hardcover

Husband and wife Milan and Kay Yerkovich have compiled an intriguing body of counseling scenarios detailing their imprinted love styles. Thoughtfully presented, the text breeds understanding and compassion between spouses who are struggling to make their marriage work. The authors base much of their material on the premise that adults continue to live out in patterns of communication and intimacy largely based upon what they learned and experienced in their childhood home. Thus stated, the Yerkovichs offer lengthy case studies and examples of what each "love style" looks like and how it conflicts with others.

Between the two of them, this professional couple has over 25 years of pastoral counseling experience (Milan's) added to 13 years of marriage and family counseling (Kay's) --- not to mention the fact that they've learned a lot firsthand through the ups and downs of their own 33-year marriage. For openers, the Yerkovichs offer a single question upon which the foundational principle of the book is based: "Can you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress?" During the first 18 years of life, every person needs deep emotional comfort extended through meaningful touch, empathetic listening that validates feelings and some sort of soothing relief. If any of these elements are missing, then real comfort is lacking.

The authors write that roughly 75 percent of adults they surveyed did not have a single memory of receiving comfort from a primary caregiver as children. Thus, the answer to this key question will determine in large part how one responds in marriage when life gets tough. If a person was comforted early on, then they seek relationships as safe havens during times of trial. Conversely, if an individual lacked meaningful emotional comforting during childhood, reaching out for help from a mate will not come naturally. Hence, the birth of an impasse between the majority of married couples.

According to the Yerkovichs, there are five harmful love styles.

- The avoider doesn't place a lot of stock in feelings or in being comforted. He prefers space, autonomy and is highly task-oriented.

- The pleaser recoils from rejection and criticism. He moves quickly through any conflict and dreads emotional distance from his spouse.

- The vacillator is overly sensitive. Fluctuating between being angry or disappointed with others, he often feels conflicted.

- The controller responds to disorder by dominating people and situations through anger and intimidation.

- The victim takes a passive role to protect against pain yet is inwardly resentful and angry.

Following a thorough examination of each love style, the authors provide a section on the damage that results from these marriage "duets" when not properly recognized and addressed. Readers will find the various combinations both fascinating and grievous, as they observe the inner pain that both partners unwittingly unleash upon one another. In the final segment, solutions are presented through carefully constructed patterns for emotional growth and health. Individuals first must become aware of their own love styles and that of their mate's, learn to engage safely and lovingly, and then explore via active listening for eventual resolution to problems.

The Yerkovichs supply thought-provoking, if sometimes painful, exercises for couples to engage in, yet their overall message is resoundingly hopeful and their belief that people can change through this methodical system is convincing.

--- Reviewed by Michele Howe

16 of 16 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Where is the hidden camera? April 28, 2007

By Steve Gick

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

After reading just a few chapters of How We Love, I got the distinct impression that someone had been following me around, reading my mail, and using me as subject material for a book. Milan and Kay show great insight into the intricate "dance" of our relationship with our spouse. Although much of the information in their book is gleened from other sources, they have woven that information, their personal experiences, and examples from therapy sessions into a wonderful tool to improve the relationship between a husband and wife. Reading this book has prompted new conversations relating to our past, and our family relationships.