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How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage Paperback – January 15, 2008

4.8 out of 5 stars 289 customer reviews

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Editorial Reviews


Praise for How We Love

How We Love has the capacity to change not only your marriage but every relationship that’s important in your life.”
–JOSH MCDOWELL, Christian apologist, evangelist, and author of more than seventy-five books including More Than a Carpenter and Evidence that Demands a Verdict

“The authors have translated the complexity of how we love into a highly readable and clearly written book. Couples will easily be able to identify their love styles and how to transform them into genuine love. I recommend it to all couples.”
–HARVILLE HENDRIX, PHD, therapist and educator with over twenty-five years of experience, cofounder and president of the Institute for Imago Relationship Therapy, and author of Getting the Love You Want

“Milan and Kay bring us a fresh look at intimacy and how we learn to love. Their practical and personal approach will enrich anyone’s marriage.”
–DAVID STOOP, PHD, psychologist and author of When Couples Pray Together

“I found How We Love to be extremely enlightening: a discovery of how best to love my wife, how to nurture her through a better understanding of our love styles, and how to implement change.”
–PHILWAUGH, executive director of Covenant Marriage Movement

“I have had the joy and privilege of working with Milan and Kay on a professional level and have been amazed at the success of their therapeutic techniques. Understanding our love styles and taking down the walls created by our imprints are skills that can help every marriage. I am thrilled that more couples will learn how to strengthen their relationships through the tools described in this book.”
–DR. ELIZABETH JOHN, MD, psychiatrist

“Milan and Kay have taken their own life experience, their research over the years, and their experience in the counseling office, and distilled it into a work that is rigorous, original, and understandable. If you want to strengthen and enrich your marriage, as well as grow personally, I strongly encourage you to read and digest this material. The effect on all your relationships will be powerful.”
–DR. JIM MASTELLER, executive director of the Center for Individual and Family Therapy

“Through Milan and Kay’s candid stories you will learn your own love style, find how to connect more deeply with your spouse, and ultimately realize who you were meant to be at the core of your being.”
–GREG CAMPBELL, retired business executive

“Forget everything external you think defines you. The quality of your relationships and your contributions to them are what make life great or miserable. This book is a key to a world of insight into intimacy only you can bring to your relationships. With each page, I felt Milan and Kay had seen my movie! My marriage is different today because of the simple, profound help I discovered in these pages.”
–KENNY LUCK, author of Risk and Every Man, God’s Man, men’s pastor at Saddleback Church, and founder of Every Man Ministries

“The Yerkoviches have taken important developmental and psychological concepts and given them to us in a user-friendly fashion. They give us a peek into their personal journey and the countless people they have helped move from young hurts toward more meaningful intimate attachment. How We Love helps us see ourselves more clearly and understand our roles in the impasses of our relationships.…A practical and impactful read for all!”
–JILL HUBBARD, PHD, clinical psychologist, cohost of New Life Live! national radio program, speaker, and full-time mom

“I am excited that Milan and Kay have given us the guiding principles of a successful marriage. With candor and uncommon insight they have demystified the issues in relationships that cause so many couples to get stuck. This book will get the wheels rolling and provide a destination filled with hope, healing, and fulfillment.”
–DR. MICK UKLEJA, president of LeadershipTraq and chair of the Governing Council of the Ukleja Center for Ethical Leadership

About the Author

Milan Yerkovich is a weekly talk show host on the New Life Live! radio program. An ordained pastor with a master’s degree in biblical studies, he has been helping couples and families build healthier relationships for more than twenty-five years. Previously a pastoral counselor for The Center for Individual and Family Therapy, Milan now teaches seminars on relationships and intimacy and is cofounder of Relationship 180°, a non-profit ministry for Christian leaders and laity.

Kay Yerkovich is a licensed marriage and family therapist with a master’s degree in counseling. She has been using attachment theory in her professional counseling of couples and families for more than thirteen years.

The Yerkoviches have been married thirty-three years and are the parents of four adult children. They make their home in Southern California.

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Product Details

  • Paperback: 416 pages
  • Publisher: WaterBrook; Later Printing edition (January 15, 2008)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 1400072999
  • ISBN-13: 978-1400072996
  • Product Dimensions: 6 x 1.1 x 9 inches
  • Shipping Weight: 1.1 pounds (View shipping rates and policies)
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (289 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #4,887 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

Customer Reviews

Top Customer Reviews

Format: Hardcover
"Can you recall a time as a child when you were upset and someone comforted you?"

Milan and Kay believe that the answer to that simple question is the secret force that shapes the way we relate to others for the rest of our lives. It's a powerful, controversial question, but the answer is even more remarkable. Did your response to comfort (or a lack of it) create a pattern to play out in relationships?

In this book, the Yerkoviches have distilled all the marriage problems they encounter in their practice into this one root problem--a lack of comfort--and then shown how to solve them all with a simple, practical solution. Virtually any challenge you're facing--lack of communication, resentment, old arguments, in-laws, blaming, anger, emotional pain, expectations--can be overcome through this systematic reframing of the reason for decreased intimacy. If it sounds too good to be true, you need to get the book and prove yourself wrong.

In a world where bold claims by personalities and watered-down pablum steals the limelight, Milan and Kay have made a true contribution with this book. We may talk about rising divorce rates, scandalous affairs, and the irreconcilable division between male and female in every culture, but How We Love presents a true, undeniable solution. You may not agree that the comfort question is vital to your present relationships, but you will be challenged to improve your responses to those you love by the sincere and thorough work Milan and Kay have put into this book. The personal experiences, extensive testing, and years of study and research make this book one of the rare few that actually delivers what so many relationsip books claim to do. Among these, How We Love belongs in the class with Gottman, Chapman, Dr. Phil, & Dr.
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Format: Hardcover
Husband and wife Milan and Kay Yerkovich have compiled an intriguing body of counseling scenarios detailing their imprinted love styles. Thoughtfully presented, the text breeds understanding and compassion between spouses who are struggling to make their marriage work. The authors base much of their material on the premise that adults continue to live out in patterns of communication and intimacy largely based upon what they learned and experienced in their childhood home. Thus stated, the Yerkovichs offer lengthy case studies and examples of what each "love style" looks like and how it conflicts with others.

Between the two of them, this professional couple has over 25 years of pastoral counseling experience (Milan's) added to 13 years of marriage and family counseling (Kay's) --- not to mention the fact that they've learned a lot firsthand through the ups and downs of their own 33-year marriage. For openers, the Yerkovichs offer a single question upon which the foundational principle of the book is based: "Can you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress?" During the first 18 years of life, every person needs deep emotional comfort extended through meaningful touch, empathetic listening that validates feelings and some sort of soothing relief. If any of these elements are missing, then real comfort is lacking.

The authors write that roughly 75 percent of adults they surveyed did not have a single memory of receiving comfort from a primary caregiver as children. Thus, the answer to this key question will determine in large part how one responds in marriage when life gets tough. If a person was comforted early on, then they seek relationships as safe havens during times of trial.
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Format: Hardcover
I don't often post reviews online, but "How We Love" is more than worth my time. The Yerkovichs have helped me to understand more about myself, my spouse and our relationship than I had ever put thought to. I had always considered my marriage (now in its 10th year) to be good, though I knew my husband wanted more from me. There was an obvious disconnect, but as long as there was no conflict I could be perfectly content. Why couldn't he? A-ha! Read on! In How We Love, the Yerkovichs gave me the reason and more. They say that expectations in relationships can differ between spouses because our first lessons about love (in our childhood) are often very different and often not the healthiest. They helped me to clearly and easily identify my own damaged love style, and that of my spouse, and then they walked us through ways to adopt new, healthier love styles. We are still and always a work in progress, but I am amazed at the new ways I know my husband and I am encouraged by how he is getting to know me better too. The Yerkovichs book is fostering in my marriage more intimate conversation, compassion for each other, understanding of our differences and positive change than I even knew I needed or wanted.

I highly recommend this book if you would like a deeper connection in your marriage or relationship too.
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Format: Hardcover
This book offers simple yet profound insights for improving the way you relate, and thus the way you and your spouse relate. The principles will help transform suffering relationships, and they will offer icing on the cake for thriving relationships. Milan and Kay offer you ways to change that are completely doable, and bring great results. The principles also apply to your other relationships. I love this book!
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