Customer Reviews

How We Love: Discover Your Love Style, Enhance Your Marriage

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"Can you recall a time as a child when you were upset and someone comforted you?"

Milan and Kay believe that the answer to that simple question is the secret force that shapes the way we relate to others for the rest of our lives. It's a powerful, controversial question, but the answer is even more remarkable. Did your response to comfort (or a lack of it) create a pattern to play out in relationships?

In this book, the Yerkoviches have distilled all the marriage problems they encounter in their practice into this one root problem--a lack of comfort--and then shown how to solve them all with a simple, practical solution. Virtually any challenge you're facing--lack of communication, resentment, old arguments, in-laws, blaming, anger, emotional pain, expectations--can be overcome through this systematic reframing of the reason for decreased intimacy. If it sounds too good to be true, you need to get the book and prove yourself wrong.

In a world where bold claims by personalities and watered-down pablum steals the limelight, Milan and Kay have made a true contribution with this book. We may talk about rising divorce rates, scandalous affairs, and the irreconcilable division between male and female in every culture, but How We Love presents a true, undeniable solution. You may not agree that the comfort question is vital to your present relationships, but you will be challenged to improve your responses to those you love by the sincere and thorough work Milan and Kay have put into this book. The personal experiences, extensive testing, and years of study and research make this book one of the rare few that actually delivers what so many relationsip books claim to do. Among these, How We Love belongs in the class with Gottman, Chapman, Dr. Phil, & Dr. Laura, but even exceeds them in the real-world, down-to-earth honesty about the ways we all relate to each other. In the end, I was convinced this book will bring hope to anyone who picks it up. This is not a theoretical blueprint by some well-known clinicians; this is a couple who have lived this in their daily practice for over 30 years.

Why have so many people responded so positively to this message already? What is it that Steve Arterburn, Josh McDowell, and Harville Hendrix see in the Yerkoviches' idea? I think it's what I saw when I first came across it as a jaded marriage book acquisitions editor: the hope that we CAN have the relatinoships we all hope for. When I considered how I learned to love and how that contributed to my ideas about giving and receiving, I began to realize just how revolutionary the idea of learning from the past truly is. And once you understand the principles here, I think you'll agree.

Husband and wife Milan and Kay Yerkovich have compiled an intriguing body of counseling scenarios detailing their imprinted love styles. Thoughtfully presented, the text breeds understanding and compassion between spouses who are struggling to make their marriage work. The authors base much of their material on the premise that adults continue to live out in patterns of communication and intimacy largely based upon what they learned and experienced in their childhood home. Thus stated, the Yerkovichs offer lengthy case studies and examples of what each "love style" looks like and how it conflicts with others.

Between the two of them, this professional couple has over 25 years of pastoral counseling experience (Milan's) added to 13 years of marriage and family counseling (Kay's) --- not to mention the fact that they've learned a lot firsthand through the ups and downs of their own 33-year marriage. For openers, the Yerkovichs offer a single question upon which the foundational principle of the book is based: "Can you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress?" During the first 18 years of life, every person needs deep emotional comfort extended through meaningful touch, empathetic listening that validates feelings and some sort of soothing relief. If any of these elements are missing, then real comfort is lacking.

The authors write that roughly 75 percent of adults they surveyed did not have a single memory of receiving comfort from a primary caregiver as children. Thus, the answer to this key question will determine in large part how one responds in marriage when life gets tough. If a person was comforted early on, then they seek relationships as safe havens during times of trial. Conversely, if an individual lacked meaningful emotional comforting during childhood, reaching out for help from a mate will not come naturally. Hence, the birth of an impasse between the majority of married couples.

According to the Yerkovichs, there are five harmful love styles.

- The avoider doesn't place a lot of stock in feelings or in being comforted. He prefers space, autonomy and is highly task-oriented.
- The pleaser recoils from rejection and criticism. He moves quickly through any conflict and dreads emotional distance from his spouse.
- The vacillator is overly sensitive. Fluctuating between being angry or disappointed with others, he often feels conflicted.
- The controller responds to disorder by dominating people and situations through anger and intimidation.
- The victim takes a passive role to protect against pain yet is inwardly resentful and angry.

Following a thorough examination of each love style, the authors provide a section on the damage that results from these marriage "duets" when not properly recognized and addressed. Readers will find the various combinations both fascinating and grievous, as they observe the inner pain that both partners unwittingly unleash upon one another. In the final segment, solutions are presented through carefully constructed patterns for emotional growth and health. Individuals first must become aware of their own love styles and that of their mate's, learn to engage safely and lovingly, and then explore via active listening for eventual resolution to problems.

The Yerkovichs supply thought-provoking, if sometimes painful, exercises for couples to engage in, yet their overall message is resoundingly hopeful and their belief that people can change through this methodical system is convincing.

--- Reviewed by Michele Howe

I was on the bike this morning in the gym reading How We Love. I typically go for 25 minutes, but I couldn't put the book down. I kept hitting "5 more minutes....5 more minutes..." Just like working out, if you want to see results in your marriage, you need to not only go to the gym, but you need to watch what you eat. Gym + eating right = a slimmer, toner body.

Understanding how you love + how your spouse loves = a loving relationship based on sharing mutual needs & comfort. When couples work through this book and the workbook together, the results are better marriages and more loving families.

Milan & Kay have written a wonderful, insightful book that will change you, your marriage and every willing couple who reads it. I know dozens of couples who have benefitted from their counseling, insights, and authentic marriage that models a Christ-centered love.

Walking out of the gym, I tripped on the stairs leading out of the gym. Fortunately, I was holding Milan & Kay's book in my right hand and as the spine of the book firmly landed on the next stair, it saved me from a serious faceplant on the steps.

I know there's a lesson there for me and everyone who reads this wonderful book.

Here's to understanding how we love and how to become better lovers in our marriage!

This book offers simple yet profound insights for improving the way you relate, and thus the way you and your spouse relate. The principles will help transform suffering relationships, and they will offer icing on the cake for thriving relationships. Milan and Kay offer you ways to change that are completely doable, and bring great results. The principles also apply to your other relationships. I love this book!

After reading just a few chapters of How We Love, I got the distinct impression that someone had been following me around, reading my mail, and using me as subject material for a book. Milan and Kay show great insight into the intricate "dance" of our relationship with our spouse. Although much of the information in their book is gleened from other sources, they have woven that information, their personal experiences, and examples from therapy sessions into a wonderful tool to improve the relationship between a husband and wife. Reading this book has prompted new conversations relating to our past, and our family relationships.

I purchased this book set for my husband (&I) for Christmas. I also bought a large blank journal book. We have been working through each chapter of the book/workbook while answering in the journal (me on the right and my hubby on the left). It has been PIVITOL in our relationship and has really helped us change the way we not only relate to each other, but has helped reframe our total thinking & forgiving process. If you are going to start somewhere - this is the place to do it. Milan is also featured on "New Life Live" radio - and he is the 'real deal.' It will be the best money you have ever spent!

I don't often post reviews online, but "How We Love" is more than worth my time. The Yerkovichs have helped me to understand more about myself, my spouse and our relationship than I had ever put thought to. I had always considered my marriage (now in its 10th year) to be good, though I knew my husband wanted more from me. There was an obvious disconnect, but as long as there was no conflict I could be perfectly content. Why couldn't he? A-ha! Read on! In How We Love, the Yerkovichs gave me the reason and more. They say that expectations in relationships can differ between spouses because our first lessons about love (in our childhood) are often very different and often not the healthiest. They helped me to clearly and easily identify my own damaged love style, and that of my spouse, and then they walked us through ways to adopt new, healthier love styles. We are still and always a work in progress, but I am amazed at the new ways I know my husband and I am encouraged by how he is getting to know me better too. The Yerkovichs book is fostering in my marriage more intimate conversation, compassion for each other, understanding of our differences and positive change than I even knew I needed or wanted.
I highly recommend this book if you would like a deeper connection in your marriage or relationship too.

Growing up with Milan and Kay as my parents, I have received the benefit of their healthy marriage. The principles in this book not only create intimacy in marriage, but also help parents connect with their children.
I have confidence this interactive book will be a catalyst for healthier marriages and families across the world.

Kay and Milan Yerovich have written a book that makes so much sense. They give a road map for deeper intimacy, and emotional health and healing that is available to anyone who is brave enough to inquire. By stepping out in a true leap of faith and trust, spouses and PARENTS are able to grow their relationships with those they most treasure and cherish, to a deeper level of love, caring, comfort and contentment that goes "beyond our wildest dreams". An inspirational, practical, one of a kind book that documents the Yerovichs' journey into a deep, rich, soulful love relationship. Their reasonable, sensible guidelines help to refresh your love connections in ALL new ways, and maybe for the first time, gets you ready to be the spouse or parent you have always wanted to be. Prepare for a whole new abundant life!

How We Love is a refreshing and powerful look at relationships. It gave my wife and I tools to help us in those areas in marriage where we seem to get stuck. Its one of the most life-changing books we've ever read! The book and workbook have helped us achieve a new level of personal intimacy and understanding in our marriage. It was if the book was written directly to us.
There are a lot of relationship books out there, but this one really speaks to underlying issues and patterns, and gives great insights for change.