If It Hurts, It Isn't Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships [Paperback]

Chuck Spezzano Ph.D. (Author), Robert Holden (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 27, 2000

In If It Hurts, It Isn't Love, author Chuck Spezzano finds truth in simple insights: What I think I need is what I am called to give. Depression is the fear that something new will leave me. When someone gets angry at me, there is a lesson for me to learn. Jealousy is a birthing place. These principles show how to look afresh at one's most important relationships, in a way that heals pain and brings love and forgiveness. After each principle, the author gives brief exercises that nudge readers further, prompting them to absorb the insights even more deeply.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"... not only spiritual and inspirational, it's also immensely practical... full of wisdom and no one can fail to learn..." -- Virginia Ironside, Sunday Mirror

"... the Carl Jung of our time. His book is a masterpiece. It is a beautiful rendition of love." -- from the foreword by Robert Holden

From the Publisher

For everyone who has wondered, in the midst of a relationship, "Is this the way it was supposed to feel?"

See all Editorial Reviews

Product Details

• Paperback: 384 pages
• Publisher: Da Capo Press (March 27, 2000)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 1569246343
• ISBN-13: 978-1569246344
• Product Dimensions: 8.3 x 5.5 x 1.1 inches
• Shipping Weight: 12.8 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
• Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (14 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #476,622 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

20 of 20 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars This author is very insightful, January 4, 2006

By 

kterbo (Portland USA) - See all my reviews

This review is from: If It Hurts, It Isn't Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships (Paperback)

This book is well thought out and explained. There are 366 passages, with a title/lesson and a through explanation following to incorporate that lesson. Each is given one full page (an extra for the lucky leap year.) The author's writing is spiritual in nature and full of much wisdom. You do not have to read this book front to back but open it to anywhere, to read just one lesson for the day.

Obviously this book is way over the previous reviewers head. Heck this is a simple book with much wisdom but, you must be willing to do some self reflecting and have accountability for your actions, to make the magic of these words happen! If you do not have the patience to look within, then don't buy this book.

I'd like to address what the other reviewer ('bunnyrabbit4') found so ridicules and I find so wise. This is paraphrasing of the authors intent. Principle #168, "If I'm attracted to someone then I have a gift for them." This means when we feel a certain pull towards another we have something to offer them. There is a reason why we feel a pull towards some and not towards others. The author explains that we should not enter into a relationship with the attitude of what can I get out of it. This is not about constantly doing for another or to just keep on giving to try and win approval, God no... but being the gift without expectations attached. The gift comes from our soul. #169 "If I give up being right, I'll be happy" We are so caught up in being right that we close ourselves off and block all else out. Wanting to be right at any expense comes from an inflated ego. We would rather argue to be right, then to be happy and have love in our hearts. We don't have to win every disagreement; we need to pick our battles carefully. This is a powerful one for me and one that I hope to master some day.
The one most disliked by previous reviewer is principal #92 ..good ol' 92 about anger... We must be accountable for our own feelings. Our anger is an attempt to project on to another our own feelings, and pretend the very thing we are angry about has nothing to do with us. This is about being accountable. All anger is an imbalance in our own nature. We choose how we react to situations. A person can insult you and you can become enraged and blame your whole rotten day on them or, you can consider the source and even have pity on then. Why, because all anger is a reflection of how we treat ourselves. *Some of the titles of the lessons may not be so clear to some people but, the authors message is insightful and right on track.

Also this book is great for a single person contrasting what another reviewer said. Heal yourself before you enter your next relationship, to attract a more healthy future partnership. Restated do not buy this book if you are trying to change someone else; it is only for those that are willing to look within. Hope this helps.

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Deep wisdom and advice on relationships and life, July 17, 2002

By 

Tim Burness (Brighton, England) - See all my reviews

This review is from: If It Hurts, It Isn't Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships (Paperback)

Chuck Spezzano has packed a tremendous number of inspired and practical insights into this book. There are so many psychological perspectives on relationships and life in general that I suspect everyone can find something here to inspire them. The layout of 366 statements with corresponding explanations and exercises is accessible and easy to dip into for a spot of inspiration or guidance now and again.

"A Course In Miracles" is acknowledged as a major influence by the author and many of his ideas have that flavour about them. As someone who struggled with A.C.I.M. I am always grateful to come across similar profound wisdom in a more digestible form. Thank you Chuck!

Some examples... "Intimacy can heal anything", "Forgiveness changes perception", "Every fantasy is an expectation", "A bad feeling is released by true giving", "Everyone's actions reflect my choices", "The ultimate goal is total dependence on the universe", "I can be in heaven with every person I meet", "Commitment means being true to myself", "Every expectation is a fear of the future". Each idea is practically explained and developed with a corresponding exercise. Well worth the effort and self-reflection, even if you don't agree with all of it. Excellent.

11 of 12 people found the following review helpful:

5.0 out of 5 stars Great book, March 26, 2000

By 

nick williams (London) - See all my reviews

This review is from: If It Hurts, It Isn't Love: And 365 Other Principles to Heal and Transform Your Relationships (Paperback)

True wisdom to help us on our journeys home to our hearts. It helped me realise that much of what I thought was love was only actually neediness and dependence. It has helped me have a much better relationship than ever before