Husbands Who Love Men [Paperback]

Dr. Aileen H. Atwood (Author)

Book Description

Publication Date: March 24, 1999

In "Husbands Who Love Men: Deceit, Disease and Despair," Aileen H. Atwood, RN, Ed.D., paints a chilling portrait of the ultimate male users -- gay men who marry straight women.

Their reasons are many. Some may be truly bisexual, deriving equal pleasure from sex with men and women, others seek to hide their homosexual orientation in order to advance in careers, and yet others may only come to the realization that they are gay after they have been married for many years.

But in every case, there's a woman being affected. Whatever it was that prompted a gay man's decision to marry, the revelation of his secret sex life is devastating to his wife. The man she trusted and loved failed to share one of the most important aspects of his life, one of the defining pieces of his identity. Not only that, because of his repeated sexual contacts with a high- risk population, he has exposed her -- without her knowledge -- to an extreme risk of contracting AIDS, the fatal disease that attacks the immune system. The woman, shaken by the lies and the callousness of his actions, questions her own femininity and often feels blind or stupid at not having figured out the truth by herself.

Atwood found little information on bisexuality when researching her book, and none of it focused on the profound effects gay husbands have on their wives and children. "Husbands Who Love Men" helps fill that void, taking the whole issue out of the closet.

In this emotional book, she examines why gay men marry women, why straight women would fall for gay men, why some men prefer sex with men, the impact of a gay husband's secret life on his wife and children, the danger of sexually transmitted diseases, and many other issues.

"This book was written primarily for women," Atwood says. "On one level, this is an emotional book , designed to offer aid, and perhaps even comfort, to wives who know that something is wrong in their marriages but are unable to understand what it is. ... Finally, this book is a summons to women who have already discovered that their lovers or husbands are homosexual and who need some help finding answers."

Finding out a husband is secretly gay can destroy a woman's marriage, dreams and self-image. It's a crushing psychological blow. Even worse, such men's deceit can put their wives unwittingly at risk of catching AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases. In "Husbands Who Love Men," Aileen Atwood, RN, Ed.D., pulls male bisexuality out of the closet. Through the case histories of women who survived, she looks at the motives of both parties in "heterogeneous" marriages and discusses this little-researched "taboo" with authority. "Husbands Who Love Men" is a wake-up call to every woman who thinks it can't happen to her.

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Aileen Atwood is candid, compelling, compassionate, credible and courageous as she addresses problems wives and children face when a husband and father is gay." -- Jan Mittleider, Professor, Physical Education, College of Southern Idaho

"Dr.Atwood's book should be read by any woman who has herself, or someone close to her, experienced the loss of a husband to another man. Family law attorneys and mediators will find the book helpful in understanding and resolving family conflict where a spouse's same sex lover is involved." -- Lorrie Wilkes, R.N., MS., JD., Family Law Attorney, Nurse Consultant for Dartmouth Hitchcock

About the Author

Aileen H. Atwood first heard of bisexuality in the 1950s, when she was studying for her nursing degree at the University of Utah. She came back to the subject in the early 1980s as AIDS began to become a scourge among gay men in San Francisco.

In the interim, she received her master's in nursing from the University of California, San Francisco Medical Campus in 1966, and her doctorate in education from the University of San Francisco in 1981. She has held executive positions at Magic Valley Memorial Hospital in Twin Falls, Idaho; Samuel Merritt Hospital in Oakland, California; Children's Hospital in San Francisco; and Peninsula Hospital in Burlingame, California. In addition, she has held adjunct professorships at the University of California School of Nursing in San Francisco and Idaho State University in Pocatello, where she taught nursing administration.

Her research for "Husbands Who Love Women" began when she encountered the tragic consequences of the problem: a close male colleague and an office staff member both died of AIDS; and an excellent secretary's life was shattered when she learned after many years of marriage that here husband was bisexual. Atwood has lectured widely and instituted the Bechtel Nurse Exchange Program between the American University Hospital in Beirut, Lebanon and Samuel Merritt Hospital in Oakland, California. She has consulted extensively on mentorship in nursing and is the author of "Mentoring: A Paradigm for Nursing" (1986).

She has retired to Idaho and Arizona, where she lives with her husband and continues to write.

Product Details

• Paperback: 219 pages
• Publisher: Atwood Management Inc (March 24, 1999)
• Language: English
• ISBN-10: 0966594207
• ISBN-13: 978-0966594201
• Product Dimensions: 9 x 6 x 0.6 inches
• Shipping Weight: 14.9 ounces
• Average Customer Review: 3.5 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (8 customer reviews)
• Amazon Best Sellers Rank: #1,741,544 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

95 of 105 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars should be called "husbands who have sex with lots of men", August 23, 2000

By A Customer

This review is from: Husbands Who Love Men (Paperback)

Dr Atwood tells some very sad and distressing stories of married men who destroyed their own and their families' happiness by leading promiscuous, deceitful double lives. From these admittedly horrible tales, she draws the conclusion that all bisexual married men are demons and that there is no hope for their marriages. The subtitle of her book makes her prejudice clear: "Deceit, Disease, Despair".

What Dr. Atwood (and, sadly, most of the other authors who treat this subject) fails to recognize is that real Husbands Who Love Men come in many different flavors. Some of them do, indeed, act on their sexual desires in ways that deceive their wives and damage their marriages. Some of them do conclude that they must have male sex partners or life partners in order to be fulfilled, deal with this discovery in a more-or-less considerate way, and leave their marriages to pursue a homosexual life. However, there are also men who seek to balance a genuine love and desire for their wives with a strong desire for men. These men may stay or leave, but they do not follow the sordid path of deceit, disease, and despair that Dr. Atwood describes. I am married to this sort of man. I am still looking for a book that describes the true spectrum of desire and behavior among men who struggle with issues of sexual identity and offers help for those of us who are trying to understand and live through a complex and difficult time in our lives.

Among those titles currently available, _Just Tell the Truth_ by Dr. Terry Norman asserts that all married men with same-sex desires MUST leave their wives and families and go through a prescribed series of steps (gay sexual exploration, intimate relationship with another man, affiliation with the gay community, and spiritual integration, in which they recognize their orientation as a gift from God) in order to achieve "orientational authenticity" and maturity. It is as absolute in its own way as Dr. Atwood's book. Then, there's _The Other Side of the Closet_ by Amity Pierce Buxton, which also dooms mixed-orientation marriages, insisting that "open marriage" or "triad marriage" arrangements are the only possibilities besides divorce. I could go on...

Folks, this is a complex issue. Not all men with same-sex urges are entirely homosexual! Bisexuality is a real thing, and it, too, encompasses a wide range of degrees of attraction to each sex! AND NOT ALL MEN, BISEXUAL OR HOMOSEXUAL, ARE EQUALLY MATURE, IMMATURE, DECEPTIVE, TRUTHFUL, LOVING, ABUSIVE, FAITHFUL, UNFAITHFUL, PROMISCUOUS, OR OTHERWISE. I just wish that there were a book available that treats this issue with the respect it deserves.

34 of 39 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars There are better books on this subject, April 30, 2002

By A Customer

This review is from: Husbands Who Love Men (Paperback)

There aren't a lot of books written on this subject, and fewer are worth reading. This book wouldn't be among them. My one sentence summary of this book would be -- Women are in danger of catching AIDS from gay or bisexual husbands/lovers (as opposed to the women that catch STDs (including HIV/AIDS) from their non-monogamous straight husbands/lovers.) As the sub-title suggests, the rest of the book is filled with stories of "deceit, disease, and despair", as well as the author's own biased attitude toward the subject.

Atwood "lifts" quotes out of context from Jean Schaar Gochros' book entitled "When Husbands come out of the Closet" and places them into her book. For example, Atwood attributes Gochros with the statement, "All the husbands were described as having always been or having become stereotypic male chauvinists...." The actual statement by Gochros was used to describe only men in the worst "horrendous" kind of six different categories of marriages. (Gochros 1989 p.39) Another example is that Atwood says that, "Gochros found that the women in her study seemed to lose their own personalities while trying to be good wives." While Gochros only uses this statement to describe a woman in one of her case studies and not all the women in her case studies as Atwood suggests. (Gochros 1989 p.11) Had I not read the Gochros book, I would have been none the wiser. The reader would be much better off reading the Gochros book. The one page condensed version by Atwood is out of context and offers a completely different conclusion than Gochros. Atwood's careless dealing with the Gochros material brings suspicion to her ability to assimilate the research material she used to support her beliefs.

In the one and only story that Atwood relates about women that "truly love their husbands", it ends in a "well planned and executed divorce." She writes off the husband and "HIS dilemma" and puts the entire "key" to the success of the divorce on the "strength of the wife."

I sensed an undercurrent of fear and dislike in this writing. There is the fear of the disease of AIDS and stories about the fear of sharing drinking glasses or living with people with AIDS. There are stories that show a fear that children will be turned into homosexuals because of their relationships with these men. The more I read the more I began to believe that Atwood has an intense dislike for men in general.

I couldn't recommend this book, as there are better books out there on this subject. One of the best books that I would highly recommend is the Gochros book "When Husbands Come Out of the Closet." Another popular book is "The Other Side of the Closet" by Buxton. Both books are worth reading.

Atwood's book truly offers no hope to women whose relationships are torn apart by the revelation that their spouses are gay or bisexual. It seems to promote the idea that all of these gay/bisexual men are lying, cheating, creeps. The book is not a scientific study, but a collection of stories detailing sad ordeals surrounding disclosures or discoveries. It is written with bias. Many women who find themselves in this situation end up bitter and angry and this book does nothing to help them through those emotions.

27 of 31 people found the following review helpful:

1.0 out of 5 stars This book in no way pulls Male Bisexuality out of the closet, April 28, 1999

By A Customer

This review is from: Husbands Who Love Men (Paperback)

If the author had wanted to truly understand male bisexuality and write a book about it's effects on Married Bisexual Men, there is plenty of resources out there. Atwood didn't do her homework on this one. She takes a stereotypical view of men who engage in homosexual activity and simply declares they are all gay. This makes no sense whatsoever.

While I won't deny that there are plenty of men who, for one reason or another, hide thier interest in male/male sex from either their wives or coworkers (or both) and are truly gay, the truth is somewhere in the middle. A truly gay man cannot hide his homosexuality for long from his wife. However a Bisexual one can because he is equally aroused by either sex. And not all bisexual men hide the fact from their spouses.

Ms. Atwood needs to go back to the drawing board on this subject. It is disappointing that someone with her degree of education would so blatantly bigoted. More effort in research on her part, and perhaps a good dose of medicine for her prejudices would have made a world of difference.