Customer Reviews

I Am Not a Cop!: A Novel

5 star:		(4)
4 star:		(7)
3 star:		(3)
2 star:		(2)
1 star:		(1)

 

 

Richard Belzer's first foray into fiction, "I Am Not a Cop," is a fine blend of Belz as a self-insert, a character in his own tale of his missing friend, Russian thugs, the rock trade, a Ukrainian boxer, martial arts, a very mysterious redhead and a personal assistant named Kalisha ("Kali") Carter - in addition to various other characters, all of whom are memorable and well-developed.

To put it bluntly, this book is one hell of a great ride and a terrific example of Belzer's adeptness with noir lit. After reading his most famous non-fiction work, "UFOs, JFK and Elvis: Conspiracies You Don't Have to be Crazy to Believe," as well as his ghost-writing of Ireland's previous Secretary of State Mo Mowlam's "Momentum"), it was always clear to me the guy knows how to spill his wit by way of the pen. I wondered what was in store for his fiction, especially since his co-author's (Michael Black's) style is very different from that of The Belz. Their styles meshed from the start, leaving me to wonder where one began and the other ended.

For those of you unfamiliar with the basic plot, it unfolds with Belz meeting a dear friend, Rudy Markovich, over dinner one night. Rudy's a troubled man, but he won't divulge to Richard exactly why. After a post-prandial brawl with some dangerous Ukrainians, Rudy bids Belz goodnight with the promise to meet him at Madison Square Garden for Alexi Zotkin's boxing match. He never shows, which starts Belz unraveling the mystery of his friend's disappearance.

Assigned a personal assistant, the intrepid Kali Carter, to `keep him out of trouble' after his street brawl made the local rag, he and Carter delve deep into a world of Russian diamond traders and political intrigue, all the while shadowed by sleaze-bag reporter Cyrus Gustafson. Balancing his acting responsibilities on "Law & Order: SVU" with his investigative skills, he's also under the near-constant scrutiny of Vernon Franker, "assistant to the assistant" on the show. The pressure continues to ratchet upward on Belz as he and Kali are drawn deeper and deeper into palpable danger. All the while, a beautiful Russian redhead interjects herself into the mix, purportedly because of her unique connection to the missing Markovich.

When it seems best for Belz to hire a private investigator to assist in the search for Rudy, things go from dangerous to deadly for both Richard and Kalisha, as Belz contemplates the last time he spoke to his wife and whether or not he'll ever hear her voice again. This noir thriller has a most satisfying - and completely credible - conclusion, which will leave you nodding sagely after the fact over the clue carefully planted along the way. As I said earlier, it is certainly one hell of a great ride. It's also a quick read at 257 fast-paced pages of prose.

Those of you looking for the `real' Belz between the pages won't be disappointed. While a reviewer at Publishers Weekly felt there wasn't enough of the acerbic actor on display, I can assure you that's untrue. While Michael Black imbued the slightly more fictional Belz with exceptional martial arts skills (Black is a member of Chicago's thin blue line and a black belt in tae kwon do), there are plenty of the comic's smart-ass remarks, asides and pop culture references to make his fans very happy. For those wanting more about the tall, fashionably thin actor, there are tidbits from Belz's life and lifestyle scattered throughout, like his near-constant jones for coffee in lieu of sleep.

While there have been rumblings about a feature film and other related projects, what I'd like to have first is an audiobook narrated by Belz. (Or perhaps a lengthy podcast, given our current technology.) I think he can do even more to bring his characters to life in such a medium. Word on the street is, he's already turned his second manuscript in to Simon & Schuster, with yet a third book in the planning phase. It would be wonderful to see this become a long series of books, in collaboration with Michael Black. (Both authors are pet lovers, too. What's not to love about a guy with two dogs and a writing partner with five cats?)

As an actor, comedian, producer and writer, Richard Belzer has this entertainment thing down pat - he always leaves his audience wanting more.

If you like Munch on Law and Order:SVU, you'll like this book because you can see him doing his thing here. The plot is very clever as Richard as himself is the main character but he is acting like Munch. I read a lot of mysteries and this one was good.

I just finished reading the book about 10 minutes ago, and I thought it was very good. I must admit that it was my first mystery novel since my Encyclopedia Brown days, nevertheless I thought Richard Belzer made a terrific entrance into the world of fiction. It is a compelling mystery laced with humorous thoughts, which had me laughing to myself on almost every page. I truly hope he decides to write another book in this genre, because this one was absolutely a great read.

I've been a fan of Richard Belzer's work - his stand-up comedy, conspiracy-theorizing, and his acting (especially the role of the durable Detective Munch) for a long time. So, I was pretty interested to see he'd written some detective novels. Even more interesting was that Belzer made himself the main character, rather than creating a whole new fictional persona or, perhaps, even translating Detective Munch into the literary domain.

This main conceit works surprisingly well. Belzer's persona comes across clearly in book form, and suits the genre really well. There isn't a lot of soul-baring, but it's interesting that Belzer didn't mind showing himself to be unlikable at times, irritating at others, and a bit more soft-hearted than one might expect at even other times. I also chuckled when Belzer had his fictional self getting the best of various thugs by way of kung fu. I get the feeling Belzer himself got a kick (pun intended) at writing himself as an action hero.

The plot touches upon Belzer's penchant for conspiracy theories. I don't want to talk about that too much in-depth, because I wouldn't want to spoil some of the methodical puzzle-piece gathering Belz and his trusty assistant engage in (and you can glean some of the plot elements from the Editorial Reviews above, anyway). What I will say is that element of the book was one of the things I liked about it the most - pieces of the puzzle were unearthed, examined, and slowly put together, often with Belzer's character bluffing or smooth-talking his way into and out of situations, and leaning on contacts among the police he has made from being on police-procedural shows.

I'm giving this book 5 stars not because it's great literature, or even because it's a great detective novel. I'm giving 5 stars because it was purely enjoyable, especially for someone who was already a Belzer fan. I enjoyed following his adventures and "listening" in on his running commentary on the world. If you're not a fan of the Belz, well...this may not be the book for you. If you're more a fan of detective fiction and like Belzer a little or are neutral concerning him, I'd say the book rates 2 1/2 or 3 stars. The plot isn't groundbreaking, and it's mostly interesting for how we see the fictional Belzer figure it all out and react to it.

The novel, I Am Not a Cop by Richard Belzer was a pleasure to read. In real life, Belzer plays Detective John Munch on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit. This story is unique because he also plays the lead as Richard Belzer in a storyline that finds him searching for his missing friend while dealing with criminals including the Russkies and their involvement in the blood diamond trade.

Belzer writes the book from his point of view as he deals with long hours on the set playing Munch, an assistant assigned to keep an eye on him, numerous friends and contacts, and the occasional bad guy who interrupts his day.

Belzer writes with great humor and his side comments and similes are often LOL funny. I found this book a surprisingly worthwhile read.

I Am Not a Cop!: A Novel

Richard Belzer portrays himself in his novel "I Am Not A Cop" which I thought was a fascinating device. He writes well (there was some witty parts) and it felt like I was there in between film shoots (he plays a cop on TV) watching him try to solve a case he shouldn't have been mingling in. Other than that, it was okay. No real mystery, just a fun read.

The author Richard "BELZ" Belzer portrays the infamous TV Detective John Munch on "LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT" and "HOMICIDE: LIFE ON THE STREET". In addition "Belz has made TV history by portraying Detective Munch in TEN DIFFERENT television series, including "LAW & ORDER", "THE WIRE", and "ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT". What makes this book such a unique read is the melding of reality and criminal fantasy. The story is told from the point of view of real-life star Belzer. He uses his real name... his real job... his real wife and home... but involves himself in a fictional crime mystery. "Belz", as he likes to be called, has dinner with his old friend, Russian immigrant, and soon-to-be former medical examiner, Rudy Markovich. Rudy just isn't his normal self at dinner, and leaves hints as to a problem he won't fully discuss, as they make plans to meet at Madison Square Garden the following night to see Alexi Zotkin a mutual friend, who happens to be defending his Heavyweight Boxing Championship. After dinner as Belz and Rudy leave the restaurant, Rudy is attacked by two Russian/Ukrainian types, and Belz comes to his rescue, dazzling the reader with his otherworldly martial arts skills. These skills become one of a number of ongoing themes in the story, as Belz spends a lot of time at his friendly "dojo", where the proprietor's are like family, and offer sage advice as well as martial art training.

When Belz gets to work the next day it turns out that the "New York Inquirer" a local gossip rag, has his picture in the paper from the little "dust-up" he had with the thugs that attacked Rudy. The reader is then introduced to one of Belzer's main foils in the story; assistant producer, Vernon Franker. The reader is led to believe that this is not the first time Belz has brought unwanted publicity to the TV show, so Franker assigns someone to shadow Belzer in an attempt to thwart negative publicity for the show. That someone is KALISHA "Kali" CARTER... "SHE'S BEEN WORKING IN PUBLICITY AND IS NOW YOUR OFFICIAL LIAISON TO THE PRESS." She went to City College and majored in journalism. At first Kali is out of her element as Belz is intent on finding out more about the thugs that attacked his friend... and when Rudy doesn't show up at the boxing match the next night... and is missing... and then linked to four murders... Belz, despite being warned by the police department to not get involved... because... HE IS NOT A COP... he relentlessly drags Kali deeper and deeper into an unlicensed detective investigation. Kali is shocked at first when Belz illegally "tins" himself in to investigation sites, but then she finds herself playing different roles and persona's to help solve the case... and she finds she really enjoys it. They could make quite a team in any subsequent sagas. An ongoing humorous "shtick" throughout the story is how so many people recognize Belz as being a famous personality... but never the right one. After the first fight... the cab driver thought he was Steven Seagal... later another driver thought he was James Woods... another character thought he was the guy on CSI... and throughout it all, Belz throws out classic one liners such as: "HER FULL LIPS COMPRESSED INWARD. IT LOOKED LIKE SHE MIGHT HAVE HAD THE SAME PLASTIC SURGEON AS SHARON STONE"... "WEARING A PHONY BADGE CAN OPEN A LOT OF DOORS. YOU JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE THE KIND THAT DON'T GET LOCKED BEHIND YOU"... "HIS CHEEKS ROSE UPWARD LIKE SOMEONE HAD PUPPET STRINGS ATTACHED TO THEM"... "STILL WEARING HIS ALTERNATE LOSER PLAID SPORTS COAT, THE LAPELS SO BIG A CESSNA COULD HAVE USED THEM FOR A LANDING STRIP"... "THAT GUY PUTIN, JUST IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD'VE BEEN LIKE IF INSTEAD OF GETTING SHIPPED OFF TO ALCATRAZ, AL CAPONE HAD BEEN ELECTED PRESIDENT."

This is a very imaginative scenario played out with enough humor and intrigue to keep you happily turning every page.

Law & Order: SVU's Richard Belzer tries his hand at fiction with a bit of noir lit that reminds me of Robert B. Parker without all of the psychobabble but with more conspiracy theories and lots more political commentary. Belzer inserts himself as the main character in this interesting but tedious work.

Belzer's acid wit comes to the fore throughout his personal investigation into the disappearance of a Ukranian-born friend. Belzer's multiple police contacts due to the TV show (ride-alongs, police advisors to make the language and procedures more realistic) and a simple assumption that he can figure out how to investigate crime in real life since he's done it so long on TV.

At times it's interesting, at times it gets repetitive, especially with multiple passages similar to this one: "...when I get determined, it takes an act of Congress to dissuade me. Well, those are usually pretty watered down by the time they get out of committee and have all the pork attached to them. Maybe I should change that to an executive order. Unless it came from someone with the last name Bush." (p. 198) Cute enough, but put one on every fifth page and you begin to wonder if the book was being padded for some reason.

Throw in some repetitive phrasings such as "It hit me like a punch in the liver" (p. 197) and "Buteyko's comment...came back to me like an elbow to the kidneys" (p. 211) and "I felt like I'd bumped up against a live outlet" (p. 178) and I began to tire of the whole thing.

Interestingly, there are no reviews of the actual book on the book. Instead, on the back of the book there are reviews of Belzer's stand-up routine from Chris Rock, Robin Williams, Chevy Chase, Robert De Niro, Richard Pryor and John Belushi. In my mind, that says something about the quality of the book as a whole. The reviews play to Belzer's strength - his history as a comic but ignore the book completely. It may be harsh, but to be honest, the premise of the book (TV actor who plays a cop really investigates a crime) and the fact that it was written by a celebrity carried the book. If this were written by a no-name author about a fictional actor investigating crimes on his own time I don't know if I would have finished it.

From my blog review:[...]

Entertainment concepts seem to evolve over the course of a decade, and as the reality experiment has begun to yield the floor it appears that a hybrid sub-genre of "reality fiction" is emerging. In film, we've had My Name Is Bruce [Blu-ray] and in literature, "I Am Not a Cop!" Richard Belzer has crafted a fictitious tale in which he, as himself, is caught up in a mystery involving a missing medical examiner friend who happens to be Russian. (Or is he Ukrainian?)

Fans of The Belz know from his stand-up routine and previous work of non-fiction (UFOs, JFK, and Elvis: Conspiracies You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Believe) that this is a guy who does his homework when it comes to intricate plots, and he has spun a doozy here. Elements of the plot draw heavily from the history and politics of Russia and the former Soviet states; you don't need to do your own homework, though, because Belzer has made sure that all the information you need to know is presented in an accessible manner throughout this novel.

I have long been an avid, yet admittedly slow, reader and so it is rare that I read anything cover-to-cover in one setting; "I Am Not a Cop!" has earned a spot on that short list. Despite Belzer's years of portraying television's most ubiquitous character, Detective John Munch, "I Am Not a Cop!" is much more a literary descendant of crime noir novels. Not only does Belzer admit as much in his epilogue, but there are frequent references to (and quotes from) them sprinkled throughout the narrative. From start to finish, though, the sarcastic wit of Belzer permeates "I Am Not a Cop!" and I found myself easily envisioning him in character during many passages.

At 272 pages, this is a novel that harkens back to the days of page-turning paperback thrillers meant to be read during a train commute; the kind that Ian Fleming insisted his James Bond stories were. Despite--or perhaps, because of--this, there is one chief complaint I would register with the author. All too often, a turn of phrase is recycled to the point that it becomes distracting. The most glaring culprit is a variation of, "[famous person] would be proud." Saying that these moments took me "out of the book" would be taking it too far--especially given the nature of its premise. Still, they're the kind of thing that one expects an editor to catch and ask the author, "Can we phrase this differently? You used the same expression thirteen pages ago."

Fans of the series in which "Detective Munch" has appeared should not expect any name-dropping or behind-the-scenes glimpses into their production. Despite the fact that Belzer's investigation occurs during an eight day shoot, the actual series and its elements are ambiguous. The only direct allusions are to Mariska Hargitay, in both of which the promise of an autographed photo of her is bartered for cooperation.

While "I Am Not a Cop!" may not be the definitive mystery story of our times, it is fun throughout and sustained by its plot, steeped as it is in real life situations. I cannot guage how a reader unfamiliar with Belzer would enjoy this novel; many of his personality traits and views can be alienating at times (for instance, in 2008, was it really necessary to have five different lines to remind us that he dislikes George W. Bush?). An audiobook reading would be welcomed, though one has not been issued to date.

Because it was Belz, I bought the book and dove into it with enthusiasm and definite purpose of bringing the author to life. He's a very talented man and a good actor, but the mystery genre is not his gig. I enjoyed some of his witty remarks and his references to his movie and TV work. It's really difficult for me to picture him as a tough guy, or a martial arts expert that can take out villains. Words and intelligence are his forte but not being a hard-boiled, fearless dude of the streets, taking on criminals and protecting helpless females. Took me four starts and 4-5 wines before I was able to fInish it...but I did. Enough said.