I Suck at Girls [Unabridged] [Audible Audio Edition]

by Justin Halpern (Author), Sean Schemmel (Narrator)

Editorial Reviews

Audie Award Nominee, Humor, 2013

"Human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello. Then it ain't the unknown anymore and it ain't scary. Or I guess it could be a shitload scarier."

Fans of the number-one best seller Sh*t My Dad Says will recognize the always patient voice of Justin Halpern's dad as it crackles through this hysterical new audiobook. The story begins when Justin announces that he's decided to propose to his girlfriend. "You've been dating her for four years," his dad replies. "It ain't like you found a parallel f**king universe."

But eventually he gives Justin some advice: that he should think back over everything he's learned in life about women, relationships, and himself before making his decision. And that's just what Justin does—revisiting everything from his disastrous childhood crushes to the night he finally lost his virginity while working as a dishwasher at Hooters.

Full of his dad's patented brand of wisdom, it's also full of new characters just as funny—from his brother, who provides insights into wedding night rituals, to his first boss, who warns Justin to man up: "That's what a man does. He takes his shots and then he scrubs the shit out of some dishes." The result is a pilgrim's progress through the landscape of sex and love—by one of the funniest writers at work today.

Product Details

• Audible Audio Edition
• Listening Length: 4 hours and 10 minutes
• Program Type: Audiobook
• Version: Unabridged
• Publisher: Harper Audio
• Audible.com Release Date: May 15, 2012
• Whispersync for Voice: Ready
• Language: English
• ASIN: B0083EGAH2
• Average Customer Review: 4.3 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (501 customer reviews)

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

29 of 32 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Guaranteed Laughs May 17, 2012

By B. Huntington

Format:Hardcover

I've actually been reading Halpern's stuff from back in his web days. His gift for humor was pretty evident even if he wasn't stretching narratively. Between this book and ____ My Dad Says it's great to see him expand into more of a story-teller, as it's clear he excels at it.
In I Suck at Girls, Halpern moves the focus from his dad to himself (don't worry, you'll still get to hear his dad's opinions on girls and life in general) and discusses his hits and misses when it comes to women. Halpern has an easy, honest style that's pretty easy to tear through (in fact, if I had one complaint it's that book is a bit short).
Definitely check this one out if you liked ____ My Dad Says, or just find some excerpts online and you'll know pretty quickly whether or not it's for you (it probably will be).
Also be sure to check Halpern out on podcast or in person. He's hilarious off-the-cuff.

26 of 32 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Believe Jimmy Kimmel and Amazon reviews, not a jealous young hack from the AP!!! May 23, 2012

By Jeremy

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

I was leery about picking this book up after reading a bland review in the paper. After perusing the book at the mall I decided to take the plunge. Jimmy Kimmel is right! The book is hilarious. I've read most of it before bed and find that it's a perfect light read to end the day. If you read Matt Sedensky's article like I did, disregard it. A guy who's busy tweeting "Elephant at National Zoo in DC plays harmonica with its trunk" probably has an axe to grind.

9 of 10 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Justin's Dad: "Any idiot can get lucky once..." May 29, 2012

By John Williamson TOP 50 REVIEWERVINE™ VOICE

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

Warning: before you pick up Justin Halpern's I Suck at Girls to read for the first time, be sure to set your coffee down. Failure to do so may result in some spilled beverage all over the book pages or your Kindle.

You know, it really hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...

Without dropping any spoilers, the author dedicates his newest book to Amanda, and it quickly becomes clear in the first chapter that she was his focus. Early on we find that he has decided to propose to her, so he goes to that one particular person who he knows will tell him, direct and to the point, what he thinks: his dad, Sam. Amanda wants to talk to him, and Justin isn't sure what to do. He wants his dad to shoot straight with him, though his father has a frequent habit of going slightly off topic, as found in this sage advice:

"Human beings do dumb s__t. You do dumb s__t. She does dumb s__t. Everyone does dumb s__t. Then, every once in a while, we have a moment where we don't do dumb s__t, and then we throw a goddamned parade and we forget all the dumb s__t we did. So what I'm saying to you is, don't do something, or not do something, to punish someone because you think they did something dumb. Do what you want to do, because it's what you want to do. Also, bring me a grapefruit from the kitchen and some salt and pepper."

First time readers may be jolted with the frequently profane dialogue issued forth by Justin's eloquent father, who has his own way of expressing himself. Readers of Halpern's earlier book, S__t My Dad Says, will not find this surprising in the least.... And fans of this earlier work will not be disappointed with Justin's odyssey.

Unsurprisingly, his father doesn't mince words in the least, and this book is a collection of some of those lessons learned in his quest to learn better in his dealings with the females of the species. And some of these are personal reflections, such as this:

"Eventually, though, I came to the conclusion that I was the male equivalent of a Toyota Camry. You know: No one ever says, `I have to have a Toyota Camry.' But most people who spend some time in a Camry start to like it. `It's pretty reliable,' they think. `It doesn't have a lot of problems, and it's not bad to look at. You know what? I'd probably prefer a nicer car. But I can live with a Camry.'"

Like many, this reader first became aware of the frequently expletive-laden comments issued by Justin's expressive father from his Twitter feed a few years ago. The author had been recording his father's voluble gems there, and in a little over a year he had over two million following those irreverent, other hilarious and sometimes thought-provoking words of his father. This of course resulted in his first book, published in 2010, which hit the New York Times Best Seller list for hardcover nonfiction, enduring at #1 for eleven weeks. It stayed on the bestseller list for almost a year.

This book is filled with similar moments to Halpern's first one, and the descriptions of some of his adventures left me laughing openly. Again no spoilers, but look for the chapter in which he describes in finding a stash of hidden adult magazines, grabbing them and being pursued by "two bearded homeless men, each of whom looked like Nick Nolte rendered in beef jerky." That description was enough to get me laughing, but the narrative of what follows with his father is even better, and it did provoke even more open laughter.

His encounter with Sarah, with the accompaniment of a rented copy of "A Few Good Men" is a classic. It's one that many males can reflectively empathize with, and that chapter alone is worth the price of this book.

The language found in both of Halpern's books might be distasteful to some readers, but in this one there's some real heart in the advice that Justin's father offers his son. It may not be the type of obscenities that many of us would interject our own advice to our kids, but this parent can say that upon occasion I thought of some of them.

As his dad says: "Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice."

There is wisdom in that parental admonition, and that's what makes this 5-star read so good. See for yourself - you won't be disappointed.

5/29/2012 Read more ›

8 of 9 people found the following review helpful

3.0 out of 5 stars Close, but no cigar. Good entertainment, though. June 11, 2012

By N. Warren

Format:Kindle Edition|Amazon Verified Purchase

I shot through this book in an evening. Despite, a lot of the hype and 5-star reviews, I can't saw I was as excited by this book.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad book at all. It's not an out-of-this-world-great book either. I found it a bit short and a bit so-so.

The situations Justin ends up with women is something that most of us (males) can relate to at some-or-other stage in our lives. Cringeworthy, at best. I think that the majority of the humour in the book comes from his Dad. It might make me purchase his first book.

But, if you want a bit of light-hearted and good entertainment for around the price of a movie ticket (I think the book is a bit pricey, though) and a few good giggles along the way, then give this a whirl. It's fun, it's light and it may even bring back a few memories.

14 of 18 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Justin Halpern does it again! May 23, 2012

By TexasEllie

Format:Hardcover

I Suck at Girls is the second book written by Halpern. I thoroughly enjoyed the first one and was excited to learn of this book. I read it in a day and a half and laughed out loud almost every page. Not just a chuckle, either. A real belly laugh. In fact, when I read parts of the book store, someone asked me what I was laughing at. I read aloud a few experts, and that guy picked up a book and bought it as well. Halpern has a unique voice and his writing is very relatable. It was a nice change reading about puberty through the eyes of a boy with a hilarious, call it like you see it, father. Up until this point, the only coming of age stories I have read have been about girls.

Looking forward to the next book!

4 of 4 people found the following review helpful

5.0 out of 5 stars Laugh out Loud and learn how to be kind May 31, 2012

By a Reader

Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase

Definitely recommend this book. The chapter on what a future wife will see had me laughing until I cried so hard couldn't read anymore. I think the reason I keep coming back to this author is that the humor is funny and crude, funny in its crudeness, but also kind. Every story has a moral about how to treat people better. If only we all had a Sam. We don't, but we do have this as a handy refererence. Sam's wisdom on porn: "Son, you're never going to sleep with a girl who looks like that." Words to live by.