Customer Reviews

Ice Queen

5 star:		(2)
4 star:		(1)
3 star:		(2)
2 star:		(1)
1 star:		(4)

 

 

WARNING: possible spoilers ahead.

So, the set up for this thing is that some scientist has found a cave woman from prehistoric times frozen in the ice. She's the Ice Queen of the title. While en route back to civilization, the Ice Queen comes to life and rips through the pilot's throat, causing the plane they were traveling in to crash into the side of a mountain. The crash causes an avalanche, which deposits the plane, along with several tons of snow, into the main lodge of a ski resort.

It's late in the season, so there aren't a lot of people in the ski resort, but the few people that there are get stuck in the main lodge with a newly revived blue monster lady. The Ice Queen gets free and starts prowling around, killing ski bums and bimbos until she comes across this one ski patrol guy that she thinks is cute or something. He does his best to stop her rampage until they can put her back into cold storage.

This is like a low budget version of THE THING made by people that have seen too many Godzilla movies and teen sex comedies. The worst scenes of the movie are when the granulated sugar avalanche consumes all these little train villages, and the wet t-shirt contest that takes up the first twenty minutes of the movie. If you're looking for a movie that combines gratuitous nudity with really cheap production values, look no further. Ice Queen is for you.

As much as it pains me to reveal the truth, I wrote the original script for Ice Queen. Not much remains. Actually, only the opening scene where the military convoy gets attacked and the concept of the airplane crashing into a mountain side and causing an avalanche to cover the ski resort are mine. The rest, blame the producer and director.

This film started life as "Avalanche Run" which was a sort of Romeo and Juliet on skis story. Two rival gangs, the poor but proud locals and the rich, snotty guests, face off over the love of a local girl who found fame in the big city. There were three (or was that four) production companies involved. Somewhere along the line one of the suits got the idea that the film needed a virus. So that's where the convoy and plane crash came in as a group of...I wasn't allowed to call them terrorists....steal an experimental virus, crash into the lodge, and so we get that as the ticking time bomb. The rival gangs must work together to escape before the crushing weight of the snow brings down the lodge on their heads and crushes the vials of virus, releasing it and wiping out every living thing for miles around. Then, apparently 2 weeks prior to production, another suit said that either the film got a monster or they were pulling out. Apparently the producer and director, rather than contacting me, put their own writing skills (sic) to use and rewrote 95% of my script. The result...well, read the reviews.

Oh, and for a look at what happens when a script of mine gets produced right - look for Prison of the Psychotic Damned, coming October 2006.

This movie was so horrible it was funny and entertaining!

This biohazard she-freak was stolen from the military to some psychotic scientist or whatever. Things went bad when she transformed to this gross thingy (or was on a menstrual with PMS. Of course all of that happened while they were in an airplane. The plane crashed.

I don't even want to explain this movie because it was stupid.
From the intro of the wet T-shirt competition to the cat fights.

This Ice queen whatever had no particular motive. Nor did this movie.

Ice Queen starts out about the "missing link" - a creature that thrives in the cold and is some kind of prevolutionary form of humanity. While she is en route to a military facility the plane transporting the ice queen is hijacked and crashes into a mountain ski resort. This triggers an avalanche. Despite the plane crash, two people survive - the titular ice queen (Ami Chorlton) and Dr. Goddard (Daniel Hall Kuhn) the scientist who is obsessed with her. Despite the avalanche, a whole host of idiots also manage to survive.

Somewhere along the way, Ice Queen turns into a romantic farce about Johnny (Harmon Walsh) who is in love with his girlfriend Tori (Noelle Reno) but has a drunken fling with Elaine (Jennifer Hill). Elaine, dressed in a tight-fitting shirt, mini skirt, and heels, shows up to a job interview working for -- you guessed it! - Tori. Hilarity ensues. Although Elaine spends the rest of the film insisting that Johnny did nothing but talk about how much he loves Tori, there's enough nude hot tub footage to cast serious doubts on her story.

Ice Queen loses all pretense of being a horror movie right about when the plane crashes. If Ice Queen does anything well, it's in featuring Hill's considerable assets without the assistance of a bra.

Stereotype after stereotype dies as the ice queen sucks the heat out of them. To demonstrate that the ice queen is vulnerable to heat, the writers have her fall unconscious beneath a hand dryer in a bathroom. It's that kind of film.

Ice Queen obviously doesn't take itself seriously, but it's not funny enough to be amusing. The special effects are terrible, the acting is atrocious, and the plot meanders between the dwindling victims beneath the snow (down to, of course, the members of the love triangle) and the overweight windbag talking to his dog above ground.

Without the "old guy battling alcoholism" plot, stock footage of an avalanche, and Hill's unique talents, Ice Queen is a hollowed out husk of a film. Pass on this one. It'll leave you cold.

This is a cheesy, schlocky, wonderfully campy bad horror flick. I was lucky enough to be in this classic (Uncle Ed). tHe Edgewood crew and Dave G and Neil were great. The rest of the cast were fun. Harmon is the Man. Let's do Ice Queen 2 The Bitch is Back.

Casablanca. Citizen Kane. The Godfather. Yes, we can all agree these are three of the great films of American cinema, but they all hold one glaring flaw in common. They are not Ice Queen.

From the beginning of auteur Neil Kinsella's 92-minute epic treatise on the place of frozen antiquities of the past in our present-day, fast-paced culture, we are thrown into one of the greatest action sequences ever printed onto celluloid. The sequence, of course, is a harrowing chase which results in the titular "queen", played with zeal by Ami Veevers, being stolen by rogue mercenaries. With a nod to Huston's timeless classic, Treasure of the Sierra Madre, the rogues turn on each other, with the Ice Queen being taken out of the control of all parties. Kinsella seems to be suggesting the material riches inherent in this valuable find are outweighed by the mental fatigue of having such a treasure in your possession.

From this, we are thrust into the world of Johnny, the film's protagonist, played with zeal by Harmon Walsh. We can relate to this "everyman" from the moment we meet him, where he shows up late to his typical dead-end job: setting off avalanches intentionally with a grenade launcher to prevent "real" avalanches from burying a nearby ski lodge. In a downright Bergmanesque move, Kinsella made the bold decision to make Johnny's love interests the mirror reflections of each other, suggesting that there is innate chaos in the world that only an Ice Queen's presence can correct.

To give away how these two incredibly different parties come into conflict would be artistic treason of the highest form, but needless to say, as in all the great stories of our time, the forces of good and evil clash in a breathless adventure right out of the bible. Kinsella even finds time to inject winning humor into his masterwork, with memorable plays on the word "snowflake" to suggest that Johnny is both a "flake" and launches granades at the "snow".

A great man once told me that when ending an essay on another's great work, it is best to pay homage to that work with a quote from the artist responsible. Baring that in mind, there is nothing I could expunge from the deepest depths of my beating heart, that could better sum up my appreciation for this masterstroke of contemporary cinema better than what has already been said in the film itself. I will leave you now, with a line from the moral center of the film, Dr. Goddard, played with zeal by Daniel Hall Kuhn.

Dr. Goddard: "Like cats in the woods, can so sound like human babies crying."

Yes, ICE QUEEN is a pretty bad movie...sooo bad it's hilarious, one of those rare movies that benefits from its cheesy special effects (this time it's more make up), bad acting, and an unintelligible script. The story (if that's what you call it) focuses on this ice queen who is unearthed somewhere, and this crazy doctor wants to take her up north (Vermont) so he can see what she does when she's really cold. Seems like she doesn't do much when she's in warm climate, but when she gets frigid, she comes to life, and sticks her claws into people and freezes them from the inside out!!!! Wow! BUT on the way to Vermont, the villainous pilot wants the ice queen for himself to sell her to the highest corporate bidder, so he tries to kill the doctor..but the ice queen's machine has malfunctioned and she's gotten cold enough to come to life, kill the pilot and cause the plane to crash land in Vermont, causing an avalanche on the Snowshed Lodge, where we have already met the studly hero, his girl friend, his one night stand, the girl friend's uncle Ed and dog Patch, and three other victims: two friends of studman and the butch boss lady. There are so many faux pas' that you have to wonder if the scriptwriter even noticed them (like when the butch boss first meets the doctor, she calls him Doc, even though she has no idea who he is?), and other hilarious moments. The ice queen is hilarious..she writhes around like she's Grace Jones and she even gets the hots for our studly hero who strips to his boxers and lures..oops, no spoiler here. But if you want a good laugh, ICE QUEEN is pretty funny.

Terrifying film that mixes the clostraphoic feel of THE DECENT with the fear factor of "Dawn of the Dead". You won't want to watch this one alone. Spent most of the night checking my windows and doors to ensure they were locked. Made my cats stay inside the rest of the night. I kept dreaming the Ice Queen was waiting for me in my driveway, next to a snow drift. The only other film that gave me nightmares after seeing it was "Jaws". This film does for snow boarding what "Jaws" did for swimming. Not for the faint of heart. The Ice Queen moves in such a terrifying way that "28 Days Later" looks like a high school production of "Pippin" next to this film.

The only redeeming value is the Pamela Anderson look alike. Her implants have to be the perkiest two things this side of the Swiss Alps.
A movie loaded with loop holes and bad acting, it is propelled by it's dull awfulness. Only the pamela type girl has any acting sense.

Ice Queen. We set out to find a laughably bad movie. Instead, we found a masterpiece of cinematography. Truly, this a gem. Ami Veevers-Chorlton (sometimes credited as Ami Veevers...but from here on out, affectionately referred to as Veevs) was strikingly marvelous in her reenactment and expansion of the role of "Common Ghoul" in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" short film. Veevs was also clearly influenced by Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy," as she strutted her catwalk prowess. Catwalk, ya, on the catwalk, ya. Far from frozen, the chemistry between Veevs and Harmon Walsh (who played the role of "Johnny") was white hot. However, Johnny seemed to connect with every character except for Patches the dog. We also commend to you the work of Fat Uncle Ed, portrayed ingeneously by John Romeo. He defeated alcoholism!

A surprising number of (surprise!) twists and turns arose in the plot, including, but not limited to: 1. Ice Queen being evil for no apparent reason. 2. Ice Queen breaking loose. 3. Ice Queen breaking loose again. 4. Ice Queen killing people. 5. A number of talented actors cut down in their prime, as they wandered alone in an avalanche laden ski lodge. 6. Bimbo who dies, token black guy who also dies. 7. Mad Scientist who falls in love with Ice Queen. 8. Ice Queen apparently killed at the end, but with wiggle room left for a thrilling sequel. 9. Catfights! Lots of catfights!! 10. Presence of Mad Bull Dyke.

If you are looking for a movie with nudity in the first ten minutes, a bounty of fake snow, and a villain who sachees around like Tyra Banks between freezing folks from the inside out, then this movie is for you.

The bright side: one glass of wine is all it takes to make this movie laughably entertaining. It's so bad, it's good.